I'm trying to decide if I'm going to attend a seminar of sorts tomorrow morning. It runs from 10-2, and the topic is journalling and creative writing. I attended a similar seminar by the woman instructing a number of years ago, and quite throughly enjoyed it. None of this is part of the dilemma.
The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.
This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.
I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?
Friday, March 23, 2007
Joy, work, and girly stuff
I was thinking (and writing) some more on the train on the way home from work yesterday about how beautiful it is to experience emotions.
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.
Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.
And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancé is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.
I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!
And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Feeling Anew
I’ve been thinking this week about one of the most beautiful things about the experience of living a life that is depression free after so many years of depression. It’s this – I can feel again.
For all those years of depression, I lived in a constant state of pain that eventually numbed my ability to feel anything but the pain. I lived in a state of numbness, unable to truly enter into any emotion fully. I knew I was miserable, but that was it. That was the normal reality of life.
I reconnected with an old friend for coffee earlier this week, and was sharing the story of God’s healing in my life, and it hit me again how beautiful it is to be able to feel things.
I suppose it seems ridiculous to someone who has never experienced a lengthy loss of the ability to experience a breadth of emotion, but these days, I celebrate every tear, every moment where I am overcome with laughter, every momentary sensation of awe. At times, the wide breadth of emotion leaves me feeling like I have entirely lost any sense of equilibrium. I cry at EVERYTHING these days, but I laugh at everything too. It seems weird to me, even a year and half later, that I can again feel things. In fact, I was so numbed, that it took probably the first year for me to truly understand what I’d been missing, and why I was suddenly so “emotional” about everything.
And so, this morning I sat on the c-train on my way to work, and marveled at the beauty of the mountains in the early morning sun. I smiled as I felt the sun work to warm my face. A few months ago, I celebrated the ability to grieve.
I love that I feel things deeply. Emotions are such a blessing of God, such a beautiful act of healing in my life!
For all those years of depression, I lived in a constant state of pain that eventually numbed my ability to feel anything but the pain. I lived in a state of numbness, unable to truly enter into any emotion fully. I knew I was miserable, but that was it. That was the normal reality of life.
I reconnected with an old friend for coffee earlier this week, and was sharing the story of God’s healing in my life, and it hit me again how beautiful it is to be able to feel things.
I suppose it seems ridiculous to someone who has never experienced a lengthy loss of the ability to experience a breadth of emotion, but these days, I celebrate every tear, every moment where I am overcome with laughter, every momentary sensation of awe. At times, the wide breadth of emotion leaves me feeling like I have entirely lost any sense of equilibrium. I cry at EVERYTHING these days, but I laugh at everything too. It seems weird to me, even a year and half later, that I can again feel things. In fact, I was so numbed, that it took probably the first year for me to truly understand what I’d been missing, and why I was suddenly so “emotional” about everything.
And so, this morning I sat on the c-train on my way to work, and marveled at the beauty of the mountains in the early morning sun. I smiled as I felt the sun work to warm my face. A few months ago, I celebrated the ability to grieve.
I love that I feel things deeply. Emotions are such a blessing of God, such a beautiful act of healing in my life!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Bono and Bill Hybels
I had a chance tonight to watch an interview that Bono did last summer with Bill Hybels for the Leadership Summit 2006. It was being shown at a local church, and my best friend was going, so I tagged along with her.
It was fantastic. If you get the chance to see it, you should. And if you know me, and would like to see it, let me know. My dad has a copy, and I'm thinking of setting up a viewing for a bunch of friends.
It was funny, profound, and even musical - basically all the things that are best about that famed Irish rock star named Bono. And it raises some beautiful questions.
My favorite line (loosely paraphrased)? "We need to stop asking God to bless what we're doing, and start looking for where he's already working and go there, because He is blessing that."
It was fantastic. If you get the chance to see it, you should. And if you know me, and would like to see it, let me know. My dad has a copy, and I'm thinking of setting up a viewing for a bunch of friends.
It was funny, profound, and even musical - basically all the things that are best about that famed Irish rock star named Bono. And it raises some beautiful questions.
My favorite line (loosely paraphrased)? "We need to stop asking God to bless what we're doing, and start looking for where he's already working and go there, because He is blessing that."
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
More on T's Wrist
Hi all... To go with what I posted yesterday, requesting prayer for my brother, here is an emailed prayer request/update that he sent out to our church family today. It made me cry, because I know the depth of emotion attached to this for him, and because we are very close as siblings. It hurts me that my baby brother is suffering in this way, and I really would appreciate your prayers for his healing. (Also, he has had to give up not only guitar, but volleyball, basketball, and several other sports activities that he has always enjoyed.)
Hello church family, its been a few months since I last updated you on my wrist, so here we go again. In the past few months i've had physio therapy, x-ray, bonescan, MRI, and chiropractic treatment, and unfortunutely nothing has helped me. The specialist is still unable to diagnose my problem, thus treatment is nearly impossible. I talked to one of the heads of the Music Department at Rocky (my college) today, and she told me (understandably) that I can't stay in the music program if my wrist doesn't heal. I would ask you to pray for healing, but also for me to accept this situation with Joy. I am praying for God to transform my attitude so that I can honestly be joyful and say I am blessed despite my circumstances. However, I am finding this to be a difficult goal. My inability to play both guitar and the sports I love is causing me a great deal of pain and struggle. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my healing and growth through this time.
Your brother in Christ
T.
Hello church family, its been a few months since I last updated you on my wrist, so here we go again. In the past few months i've had physio therapy, x-ray, bonescan, MRI, and chiropractic treatment, and unfortunutely nothing has helped me. The specialist is still unable to diagnose my problem, thus treatment is nearly impossible. I talked to one of the heads of the Music Department at Rocky (my college) today, and she told me (understandably) that I can't stay in the music program if my wrist doesn't heal. I would ask you to pray for healing, but also for me to accept this situation with Joy. I am praying for God to transform my attitude so that I can honestly be joyful and say I am blessed despite my circumstances. However, I am finding this to be a difficult goal. My inability to play both guitar and the sports I love is causing me a great deal of pain and struggle. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my healing and growth through this time.
Your brother in Christ
T.
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