I'm very tired this morning.
Sleep was a bit fleeting again. It has been most of this week.
And it's been a busy week, and it's going to be busier as I hit the weekend.
It's snowing again, but I drove to work anyway. I simply couldn't face the added coordination of myself that it would take to get myself and my roommate (with no warning) to the train. I'm hoping it sticks to the "light snow" that's forecasted, and that trying to get home tonight isn't a disaster. I need to get home for a while in between work and plans to spend the evening with family. If I don't make it home, I won't have bedding tonight, and I'll be moving four tires out of my trunk in the quest to find the sleeping bag that's buried somewhere in the back. I put all of my sheets in the washer this morning, and if I don't get home, they won't make it to the dryer. I'd definitely prefer to not have to go through the rummaging through my trunk to find a sleeping bag scenario.
I'm choosing thankfulness this morning.
I mentioned in last night's daily 5 post that driving home from house church after a long conversation with a new friend about the challenges I've dealt with for the last two years, that I was thinking about something she'd shared a few months back. She'd talked about the process of being refined, and it struck me deeply. Driving home last night it hit me in a fresh way that despite some of the rather hellish relational and health struggles that I've had for the last two years, I don't think I'd trade away those things if I also lost the changes within me. It has been a fight that at times I wasn't sure I'd survive. But I am surviving. And I realized in a fresh way last night that I am emerging from this into new places, and that I like the person that I've become and am becoming. I really like her. And for me, that's huge, and hope giving and life giving. To really like this person God is shaping me into.
So this morning, despite really cranky people in the office, and my own exhaustion, I'm choosing to be thankful Thankful for the friend who listened to my story. Thankful for her words a month or so back about being refined. Thankful for the changes I'm sensing in myself, and the hope that they're giving. And maybe even thankful for all of the really painful things (not quite sure I'm there yet), because they have been the things that have formed and birthed these changes within me.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 162
Today's Daily 5:
- Eating together as a house group - how fun to share a meal we'd all contributed to, and laugh and talk while enjoying it with some nice wine.
- A long conversation with S. a new friend. It was special for me to have the chance to share some of the story of the challenging last two years of my life to someone who chose to simply listen attentively. I was really grateful for that actually.
- now have replacement glass water bottles for the two original flawed ones.
- Thinking about a line from an audio book I've been listening to, a mother speaking to her daughter, "you deserve to love yourself." Thinking about the conversations similar to that where a dear friend has spoken those things to me. Realizing that I'm slowly falling in love with life again, and that I'm beginning to feel excited about the person that I've become and am becoming in the midst of these difficult years.
- Thankful that in a week that has presented a few health challenges, I've been able to manage a relatively busy schedule without the complete exhaustion and emotional collapse that has sometimes happened. Yes, I'm exhausted, but I'm hopeful and peaceful. That is progress. It's small, but for me, tonight, worth celebrating.
A few more links
Steve Bell wrote another very good post on Haiti, and included some simple, creative ways to help.
Anne Jackson (I know, I've been linking to her a lot lately, but I've been really appreciating her posts) wrote a post about forgiveness and reconciliation. Those are topics I've thought a lot about due to some pretty intense relational hurdles that have come up in a whole variety of areas of my life the last two years. They're issues that I've spent hours prayerfully considering, that I've shed tears over, that I've had a myriad of conversations about, and that I still often feel like I'll never have a handle on. I've learned a lot about forgiveness, and I appreciated Anne's comments about it being unilateral. I've also come to believe that even when it seems the most crazy thing imaginable, my heart still longs for reconciliation. I think it's a God-longing. Jesus prayed for unity in his body on earth just before going to the cross, and somehow, I feel like that longing is one that's been embedded in my heart as well. In the way that Ecclesiastes says that Eternity has been put in the hearts of men.
Anne Jackson (I know, I've been linking to her a lot lately, but I've been really appreciating her posts) wrote a post about forgiveness and reconciliation. Those are topics I've thought a lot about due to some pretty intense relational hurdles that have come up in a whole variety of areas of my life the last two years. They're issues that I've spent hours prayerfully considering, that I've shed tears over, that I've had a myriad of conversations about, and that I still often feel like I'll never have a handle on. I've learned a lot about forgiveness, and I appreciated Anne's comments about it being unilateral. I've also come to believe that even when it seems the most crazy thing imaginable, my heart still longs for reconciliation. I think it's a God-longing. Jesus prayed for unity in his body on earth just before going to the cross, and somehow, I feel like that longing is one that's been embedded in my heart as well. In the way that Ecclesiastes says that Eternity has been put in the hearts of men.
Kitchen Essentials
I've been doing a lot of dreaming lately.
One of the things I've been thinking about is what things I would like to eventually buy for my kitchen. Pots and pans, appliances, whatever.
I increasingly love to cook, and try new recipes, and I've been thinking about what high quality, one-time purchase type items I'd like to have someday.
It's mostly dreaming. I'm still very focused on paying down my debts, and managing to save some money for the future, but I'm thinking about what things I'd like to eventually make carefully planned (paid in full upfront) purchases of down the road.
And it's got me wondering - what do you have in your kitchen that you can't live without? What would be on your dream kitchen list? I'd love to hear!
One of the things I've been thinking about is what things I would like to eventually buy for my kitchen. Pots and pans, appliances, whatever.
I increasingly love to cook, and try new recipes, and I've been thinking about what high quality, one-time purchase type items I'd like to have someday.
It's mostly dreaming. I'm still very focused on paying down my debts, and managing to save some money for the future, but I'm thinking about what things I'd like to eventually make carefully planned (paid in full upfront) purchases of down the road.
And it's got me wondering - what do you have in your kitchen that you can't live without? What would be on your dream kitchen list? I'd love to hear!
Foggy, with signs of hope
Usually I can see downtown and the mountains from my office window. Today all I can see is thick white fog. It descended last night, and remains this morning.
I woke, though, oddly hopeful and prayerful this morning, perhaps a remnant from last night's benefit concert.
I was grateful, too, to realize that I'd mostly slept between somewhere a little after midnight when I fell into bed after arriving home later, and 6 or so this morning. Sleep has been an immense rarity this week, and it is nice to wake, even after a short night, somewhat rested.
And really, I was so encouraged to see the body of Christ in action last night. About 2000 people were in attendance at the benefit concert. Together, we donated $115,000. Which the government of Canada will match. How impressive is that? I was so incredibly moved to hear that number, not because of the money, but because of the hearts it represents. 2000 or so people who have chosen not to look away, who have chosen to give because they believe that Jesus loves Haiti, and that as his body, we need to love Haiti too. Wow. I've been encouraged all week as I've followed blogs and a few facebook groups, and have seen people step up, but for me, there was something special in seeing that united effort - people from across the city's churches coming together to bless the broken.
I'm storing that feeling within me - that incredible hope and unity. Unity has been something that has been central to much brokenness that I've experienced, and for me it was incredibly restorative to see it exist, instead of being shredded, so I'm choosing to hold that within me.
It may still be a foggy journey, but there are signs of hope.
I woke, though, oddly hopeful and prayerful this morning, perhaps a remnant from last night's benefit concert.
I was grateful, too, to realize that I'd mostly slept between somewhere a little after midnight when I fell into bed after arriving home later, and 6 or so this morning. Sleep has been an immense rarity this week, and it is nice to wake, even after a short night, somewhat rested.
And really, I was so encouraged to see the body of Christ in action last night. About 2000 people were in attendance at the benefit concert. Together, we donated $115,000. Which the government of Canada will match. How impressive is that? I was so incredibly moved to hear that number, not because of the money, but because of the hearts it represents. 2000 or so people who have chosen not to look away, who have chosen to give because they believe that Jesus loves Haiti, and that as his body, we need to love Haiti too. Wow. I've been encouraged all week as I've followed blogs and a few facebook groups, and have seen people step up, but for me, there was something special in seeing that united effort - people from across the city's churches coming together to bless the broken.
I'm storing that feeling within me - that incredible hope and unity. Unity has been something that has been central to much brokenness that I've experienced, and for me it was incredibly restorative to see it exist, instead of being shredded, so I'm choosing to hold that within me.
It may still be a foggy journey, but there are signs of hope.
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