Neither invasive or evasive

I'm thinking a lot about depression again lately. About the seven years of my life that I struggled so desperately with it. About all those times when I'd lost hope completely, and simply begged God to let me die, because I knew I could never quite manage to take my own life. About the times when someone would pray for me, and I would have a week or two of reprieve. And about the way it felt when that reprieve began to slip - the watching as my fingers slid off that cliff edge that they'd been clinging to. About how, after a while, I simply stopped telling people what was going on with me - because it was tiring to always be the one who was broken, the one for whom the prayers never worked.

I'm thinking about healing too. About how, nearly three years ago now, in a moment that was gentle and unexpected, the depression was simply gone. About how it took me three months to understand that this was not just another reprieve, that something truly miraculous had occurred in my life. Lately I've been wondering if that healing is a permanent thing? I don't think I'm depressed just currently, but I am amply aware that I am skirting the edges of that chasm, and that it would be easy to fall into that space.

I was listening again to a radio documentary on depression and spirituality that I downloaded a couple of months ago. I keep coming back to this program, for the unique insights it offers.

This morning, I am caught by the words of one of the interview subjects, Parker Palmer. He is speaking of the sort of community necessary, or at least desirable, to help one who struggles with depression or mental illness heal. He says, "...A community that is neither invasive of the mystery nor evasive of the suffering, but is willing to hold people in a sacred space of relationship where somehow this person who is on the dark side of the moon can get a little confidence that they can come 'round to the other side."

"Neither invasive of the mystery nor evasive of the suffering."

Not the easiest of goals, but so necessary.

There have been a few people in my life who have modeled this. Friends along the way who let me be who I was - for I encountered the mysteries of God in the depression, but also suffered deeply.

There are friends who are doing this for me now, though depression is not precisely the word I would use to describe these last several months of wrestling. Friends who are encouraging the mystery, not explaining it away. But friends who are also willing to listen, and to enter my suffering. I know, more clearly now, in the midst of one of the darkest spaces of my life, that I am deeply loved. My friends have shown me love, and, because of that, have helped me to understand in new ways that I am loved by God as well.

On Tears...

I really liked this article about tears.

Getting Away

I'm teaching Sunday school this morning.

Then, once church is over, my roommate, our future roommate, and I are coming home to pick up some stuff, and we're heading out of town.

We've booked a hotel room in Southern Alberta for the night, and we're planning to sit in that room, watch a "light and fluffy" movie, paint our toenails, sip wine, and eat a number of rather delectable purchases from the farmer's market and a local European deli.

We'll spend half of tomorrow touring a beautiful national park, right on the American border, and then we'll drive home, to back at work on Tuesday when the long weekend is over.

I really need to get away and just be girly and laugh for a day or so. This last week was brutal in a whole variety of ways, and I'm tired. My whole body aches, and I need a day where I'm not doing anything connected to all of the stressors in my life right now.

I'll see you tomorrow or Tuesday!

Don't Change the Book - Prince Caspian

I saw the new "Chronicles of Narnia" movie "Prince Caspian" last night with my brother and a bunch of his friends. I thought it would be the highlight of our evening. Instead, the highlight was sitting in a car, in front of my parent's house, beginning to catch up with each other since he'd been away for two and a half weeks, sharing hearts.

Neither of us liked the movie. In fact, we liked it so little that we're not sure we'd go see another new Narnia movie.

Why do movie creators feel a need to change the perfectly good stories in a book? The magic was gone. None of the playfulness, the nods to mythology with Bacchus and waking the trees. By our estimation, about 2/3 of the movie was not from the book. Much was added, and it did little for me in terms of enjoying the story. It didn't pull me in. It was essentially, as my brother put it, "like any other Hollywood action movie". Epic battle scenes. The triumph of good. Blah. Blah. Blah. No magic.

My favorite scene (admittedly a minor one in the book) was also missing.

There is a scene in the book that has spoken deeply to my heart this last year, where Susan (the oldest girl) re-encounters Aslan after avoiding and denying him...

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. "You have listened to fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

"A little, Aslan," said Susan.

(Prince Caspian, pg. 386)

Before 8 am and Into the Day

These are the things I accomplished prior to 8:00 this morning (apparently you can be productive if you get up when you can no longer sleep):

• shower
• shave my legs
• read 20 pages or so of a novel
• french braid my hair into two braids
• moisturize

These are some of the things I'm going (or hoping) to do the rest of today:

• clean off my desk
• fold clean laundry from a week ago and put it away
• prepare a Sunday school lesson for tomorrow
• pack for an overnight trip I'm taking with my roommate and a friend tomorrow night
• cook something (anything really!)
  
• hang with some friends
• go with my roommate to get her nose pierced
• clean our laundry room
• sweep the hallway/bathroom/kitchen/my bedroom
• chat on the phone with a couple friends
• buy a new shower curtain liner and hang it
• read
• do something creative
• go to the farmer's market
• buy wine for a couple of upcoming trips
• rehang our coat hooks by the front door
• go to the park