I'm nervous about some upcoming stuff...
Looking forward to it, but nervous.
I hate that feeling.
I'm tired. Recovering from some sort of stomach bug that's been draining my energy for the last couple of days.
I'm feeling lonely. Missing some favorite people. Missing living at home and having random conversations with my family.
I'm avoiding delving into some stuff from my past that has come up in the last while. I'm scared to go there. I know Jesus is there. I know He's asking me to go there. I'm scared. Working up to it, I hope.
And with that, a little more West Wing before a slightly earlier bedtime.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Telling my story - again
I was re-reading this post that I wrote earlier this spring. In it I talked about how I continue to discover that one of the most powerful things God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing.
What I hadn't realized as fully then, is how telling the story impacts me. Each time I speak honestly, and break the silence that had for so long surrounded that part of my life, I experience a growing sense of freedom.
I was with someone I've known my entire life last night. We met for coffee to talk about some upcoming church commitments I've made. And somehow, as we talked about those things, about the things I'm beginning to dream and plan for this year with the teenagers and young adults I'll be working with, we began to talk about my past. And the depression came up. So I very honestly mentioned that from about the age of 16 until about the age of 22, I was severely depressed, at times suicidal. The conversation went on from there, it wasn't something we dwelt on, but it stuck out for me.
There is a growing sense of freedom as I speak those words and tell that story.
I was thinking this morning as I walked from the train to my office about how very often I still wake up in the morning stunned at the miracle of healing that Jesus has worked and continues to work in my life. How over the top ecstatic I am to find myself in this place - to feel, to be alive, to know that freedom is an ever-increasing thing in my life.
What I hadn't realized as fully then, is how telling the story impacts me. Each time I speak honestly, and break the silence that had for so long surrounded that part of my life, I experience a growing sense of freedom.
I was with someone I've known my entire life last night. We met for coffee to talk about some upcoming church commitments I've made. And somehow, as we talked about those things, about the things I'm beginning to dream and plan for this year with the teenagers and young adults I'll be working with, we began to talk about my past. And the depression came up. So I very honestly mentioned that from about the age of 16 until about the age of 22, I was severely depressed, at times suicidal. The conversation went on from there, it wasn't something we dwelt on, but it stuck out for me.
There is a growing sense of freedom as I speak those words and tell that story.
I was thinking this morning as I walked from the train to my office about how very often I still wake up in the morning stunned at the miracle of healing that Jesus has worked and continues to work in my life. How over the top ecstatic I am to find myself in this place - to feel, to be alive, to know that freedom is an ever-increasing thing in my life.
The bad guys...
I was witness to a conversation on the train this morning that made me very sad.
Sitting in the seat behind me was a little boy and his uncle - a young man about my age or a bit older. As we rounded the corner to come out of downtown, we had a clear view of the drop-in center, a major homeless shelter in downtown Calgary. There was the usual crowd of people, milling around, sleeping along the fence. And this morning there was a larger than usual police presence.
As we rounded the corner and the little boy noticed the police cars, his uncle took it as a teaching moment. "Look at all the police cars. There's a lot of them. They have to get rid of all those bad guys."
The words didn't hit home until a few minutes later. The bad guys - these people who, for whatever reason, don't have a proper place to sleep at night, or a place to spend their days. And I was sad that we are teaching children from such an early age that these people are inherently bad because of their life circumstances.
I felt guilt, too. Because, to be honest, I wouldn't want to walk by myself in that neighborhood. It has a reputation for being very unsafe. I've wondered at times why the police don't clean the area up. Why these people can't just go get jobs in Calgary's booming job market.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. Both a calling to love those in the gutters, and a fear of that same thing.
And so, this morning, I'm a little sad, and a little convicted both.
Sitting in the seat behind me was a little boy and his uncle - a young man about my age or a bit older. As we rounded the corner to come out of downtown, we had a clear view of the drop-in center, a major homeless shelter in downtown Calgary. There was the usual crowd of people, milling around, sleeping along the fence. And this morning there was a larger than usual police presence.
As we rounded the corner and the little boy noticed the police cars, his uncle took it as a teaching moment. "Look at all the police cars. There's a lot of them. They have to get rid of all those bad guys."
The words didn't hit home until a few minutes later. The bad guys - these people who, for whatever reason, don't have a proper place to sleep at night, or a place to spend their days. And I was sad that we are teaching children from such an early age that these people are inherently bad because of their life circumstances.
I felt guilt, too. Because, to be honest, I wouldn't want to walk by myself in that neighborhood. It has a reputation for being very unsafe. I've wondered at times why the police don't clean the area up. Why these people can't just go get jobs in Calgary's booming job market.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. Both a calling to love those in the gutters, and a fear of that same thing.
And so, this morning, I'm a little sad, and a little convicted both.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Re-reading
I've been reading through some of my blog archives this morning. I'm putting links in this post to some of my favorites - things that are still so close to my heart, and things that seem to express the things I was thinking and praying about with poignancy and clarity that grabs at me all over again when I re-read them.
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
Monday Morning thoughts
I've had a cup of tea, and half a litre of water this morning. A cookie (of the pre-packaged variety) and a muffin that my grandma baked for me.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
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