- a long shower
- talking nursing with my soon to be sister-in-law
- getting a magazine in the mail
- finding reasons to laugh
- a ride home from dad (with the willingness to stop at the grocery store for me to pick up a few necessities)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 106
Today's Daily 5:
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 105
Today's Daily 5:
- iphone Bible
- banana muffins
- Christmas oranges
- a soft bed
- the Mitford novels
You Ask, I Answer, Take 23
Today's You Ask, I Answer question comes from Johanna, who asked,
Is it "ok" for you being single right now? Isn't it sometimes difficult to see friends who are your age getting married, having children and having a totally different life? How are you dealing with things/thoughts like that?
Ooo... Good question!
The answer is yes to all of the above.
Yes, I am okay being single most of the time. I have a good assortment of married and single friends, and I really enjoy the independence and fun that can come with being single. I like the ability to pick up on short notice and travel, see a movie, shop, go for dinner or so on. I think part of the contentment that I have with being single comes from the fact that as an introvert, I really do love time spent alone, and even require it to recharge and be fully engaged when I'm spending time with my friends. That said, there is definitely a part of me that is looking for a man to share the day in and day out parts of my life with. (I actually think often about a line from one of Donald Miller's books where he talks about wanting a girl who, when he's with her, makes him feel like he's alone. He's referencing the comfort and freedom that comes with that sort of relationship - that he feels just as at rest with her, as he does when he's alone. That's kind of what I'd love to find eventually in a husband.)
That said, there are times (actually, especially when I'm with my family), where I feel very lonely, and almost invisible because of being single. It's quite painful, and I wrestle at those moments, and try to remind myself to be continually seeking my contentment in the Lord, and asking him in those times to guide my steps towards a partner if he has that for me, or to continually give me peace and restore my contentment if a partner isn't what Jesus has for me.
As for being with my friends, it's been an incredible privilege to watch them be married and have babies. With some of my married girlfriends, the only thing that has really changed since they've gotten married is a few topics of conversation. I'm not now and never have been particularly close friends with their husbands, and so when I hang out with those friends, we still usually hang out as just us girls. With one friend in particular, though, when we spend time together, though it is often just us, it doesn't make a difference in our conversation if her husband is there. He's always made me feel incredibly welcome, that's he's grateful for my friendship with his wife, and that he's interested in my story, and who I am. (Can I just suggest that if you're married, this is one of the most precious gifts you and your spouse can offer to single friends?) When the three of us are together, the conversation is the same as it would be if he wasn't there, but with another voice, and an even fuller perspective, and I LOVE that.
I've also been really blessed and challenged by the process of watching a lot of my friends become parents in the past number of years. There has been something incredibly holy for me in watching this transition take-place - watching women I've known for a very long time become mothers. It has blessed me deeply to see the new sides of their character and personality emerge as they carry, birth and begin to raise their children. It's been great fun to watch as their children begin to grow and interact with their parents, to see the different ways my friends are blessing the babies that Jesus has entrusted to them. It's made for fascinating conversations - to talk about the challenges they're facing in parenting and marriage and life. To talk about the struggles and questions that come with those stages in life. I've found that though the context is different, their is still so much that I can relate to, be challenged by, and encouraged to grow in in the midst of these new aspects of my friendships. And, there is nothing quite like the way a little boy or girl's face lights up when you walk into the room and they recognize and love you. Nothing quite like cuddling a baby, or playing peek-a-boo. There are things about my friends having children, and me getting to relate to those children that have brought great healing and joy to my soul.
So... I guess you could say that yes, I do struggle at times with being single as I watch a great number of friends marry and start families, but that I have also found incredible blessing and joy in these new stages of life for my friends - that Jesus has worked in them to show me new things about himself, and about myself, and that He has challenged me to pray in new ways for my friends as they transition through these various stages of life.
Is it "ok" for you being single right now? Isn't it sometimes difficult to see friends who are your age getting married, having children and having a totally different life? How are you dealing with things/thoughts like that?
Ooo... Good question!
The answer is yes to all of the above.
Yes, I am okay being single most of the time. I have a good assortment of married and single friends, and I really enjoy the independence and fun that can come with being single. I like the ability to pick up on short notice and travel, see a movie, shop, go for dinner or so on. I think part of the contentment that I have with being single comes from the fact that as an introvert, I really do love time spent alone, and even require it to recharge and be fully engaged when I'm spending time with my friends. That said, there is definitely a part of me that is looking for a man to share the day in and day out parts of my life with. (I actually think often about a line from one of Donald Miller's books where he talks about wanting a girl who, when he's with her, makes him feel like he's alone. He's referencing the comfort and freedom that comes with that sort of relationship - that he feels just as at rest with her, as he does when he's alone. That's kind of what I'd love to find eventually in a husband.)
That said, there are times (actually, especially when I'm with my family), where I feel very lonely, and almost invisible because of being single. It's quite painful, and I wrestle at those moments, and try to remind myself to be continually seeking my contentment in the Lord, and asking him in those times to guide my steps towards a partner if he has that for me, or to continually give me peace and restore my contentment if a partner isn't what Jesus has for me.
As for being with my friends, it's been an incredible privilege to watch them be married and have babies. With some of my married girlfriends, the only thing that has really changed since they've gotten married is a few topics of conversation. I'm not now and never have been particularly close friends with their husbands, and so when I hang out with those friends, we still usually hang out as just us girls. With one friend in particular, though, when we spend time together, though it is often just us, it doesn't make a difference in our conversation if her husband is there. He's always made me feel incredibly welcome, that's he's grateful for my friendship with his wife, and that he's interested in my story, and who I am. (Can I just suggest that if you're married, this is one of the most precious gifts you and your spouse can offer to single friends?) When the three of us are together, the conversation is the same as it would be if he wasn't there, but with another voice, and an even fuller perspective, and I LOVE that.
I've also been really blessed and challenged by the process of watching a lot of my friends become parents in the past number of years. There has been something incredibly holy for me in watching this transition take-place - watching women I've known for a very long time become mothers. It has blessed me deeply to see the new sides of their character and personality emerge as they carry, birth and begin to raise their children. It's been great fun to watch as their children begin to grow and interact with their parents, to see the different ways my friends are blessing the babies that Jesus has entrusted to them. It's made for fascinating conversations - to talk about the challenges they're facing in parenting and marriage and life. To talk about the struggles and questions that come with those stages in life. I've found that though the context is different, their is still so much that I can relate to, be challenged by, and encouraged to grow in in the midst of these new aspects of my friendships. And, there is nothing quite like the way a little boy or girl's face lights up when you walk into the room and they recognize and love you. Nothing quite like cuddling a baby, or playing peek-a-boo. There are things about my friends having children, and me getting to relate to those children that have brought great healing and joy to my soul.
So... I guess you could say that yes, I do struggle at times with being single as I watch a great number of friends marry and start families, but that I have also found incredible blessing and joy in these new stages of life for my friends - that Jesus has worked in them to show me new things about himself, and about myself, and that He has challenged me to pray in new ways for my friends as they transition through these various stages of life.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 104
Today's Daily 5:
- That despite the crazy windstorm that did a lot of damage downtown yesterday, shut down roads, and all the trains in the core, my bus wasn't re-routed either coming or going to work. Yes, it was slow, and packed full, but it wasn't re-routed and it was approximately on time.
- arranging flowers at the office
- getting outside to run a couple errands for work
- the reminder of The Elf's Lament
- accomplishing some much procrastinated phone calls over my lunch hour
Catching Up
Are you ready for a hodge-podge of random bits and pieces? Because that's what I have for you on this Monday morning!
Last week was entirely helter-skelter, thanks to all the appointments to get things ready for nursing school in January. I think there is only one more appointment on the list... I sure hope so. It's not easy to get permission to leave work early that many times in a week.
I'm happy to report that last week's streak of odd encounters continued through the weekend with a random encounter with a woman who wanted change for a bus ticket (when I told her I wasn't carrying cash, she walked off muttering loudly about how everyone carries cash, except of course, liars!) I visited with a phlebotomy tech who had a great number of things in common with the vampires that seem to be the current stuff of teenage fiction.
That said, I also hung out at the zoo for a while with my favorite little guy and his mom (a good friend from house church). I did some shopping with my mom and sister-in-law.
Oh, and speaking of sister's-in-law, in all the excitement of finally being accepted into nursing school, I do believe I forgot to mention that in June of next year, I'll be adding another sister-in-law! Last month, while his girlfriend was on vacation with a mutual friend in New York, my brother (with the help of the friend) flew to New York, waited in Central Park on a rainy day, got down on his knee, and popped the question! J and R have been together for probably four years now, and it will be fun to have her become "officially" part of the family! Wedding plans are well under way, with venues booked, and dress shopping being accomplished, and it will be fun to see the ways our families celebrate the two of them.
I'm hard at work on some Christmas treats that will appear under the tree for the people I love. It's fun to create and shop. I'm not the biggest fan of family focused holidays (I find them just a bit painful, if I'm honest), but I do love to give to others. Pinterest has provided some inspiration this year, too.
Last week was entirely helter-skelter, thanks to all the appointments to get things ready for nursing school in January. I think there is only one more appointment on the list... I sure hope so. It's not easy to get permission to leave work early that many times in a week.
I'm happy to report that last week's streak of odd encounters continued through the weekend with a random encounter with a woman who wanted change for a bus ticket (when I told her I wasn't carrying cash, she walked off muttering loudly about how everyone carries cash, except of course, liars!) I visited with a phlebotomy tech who had a great number of things in common with the vampires that seem to be the current stuff of teenage fiction.
That said, I also hung out at the zoo for a while with my favorite little guy and his mom (a good friend from house church). I did some shopping with my mom and sister-in-law.
Oh, and speaking of sister's-in-law, in all the excitement of finally being accepted into nursing school, I do believe I forgot to mention that in June of next year, I'll be adding another sister-in-law! Last month, while his girlfriend was on vacation with a mutual friend in New York, my brother (with the help of the friend) flew to New York, waited in Central Park on a rainy day, got down on his knee, and popped the question! J and R have been together for probably four years now, and it will be fun to have her become "officially" part of the family! Wedding plans are well under way, with venues booked, and dress shopping being accomplished, and it will be fun to see the ways our families celebrate the two of them.
I'm hard at work on some Christmas treats that will appear under the tree for the people I love. It's fun to create and shop. I'm not the biggest fan of family focused holidays (I find them just a bit painful, if I'm honest), but I do love to give to others. Pinterest has provided some inspiration this year, too.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 103
Today's Daily 5:
- Sunday morning quiet
- knitting
- Macdonalds take-out
- a late-afternoon nap
- lit candles
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 102
Yesterday's Daily 5:
- The zoo with my favorite "date" and his mom
- pita bread from the Greek takeout place
- another crazy people encounter to laugh at
- shopping with mom and L
- mandarin oranges
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 101
Yesterday's Daily 5:
- Skinny jeans and the boots I bought in Malta
- Being reminded how thankful I can really be for good health and clean results from tests
- Work ending early
- Vietnamese food
- a pineapple sundae and a good book
Friday, November 25, 2011
Random and Crazy
It's been the kind of week full of random and crazy things.
Things like getting vaccine injections in both arms (plus a TB test in one arm).
Things like getting vaccine injections in both arms (plus a TB test in one arm).
(When was the last time you stood in line at a pharmacy on a university campus to buy a vial of vaccine?)
There was the mask fitting. I have to get a mask fitted to wear in case of certain sorts of outbreaks. The office seemed a little odd, an impression that was cemented when the young man, about my age who had watched me come in from where he was sitting in the waiting area and was trying to catch my attention opened the conversation with "So you have to get drug tested too?"
I so wanted to burst out laughing at this poor guy's attempt at attention getting flirtation.
I wanted to laugh equally hard when, a few minutes later, I found myself sitting in an odd room, with a mask over the lower half of my face, while a woman pumped smoke out of a little vial, waved it at my face and instructed me to turn my head all around, and inhale and exhale.
There was the challenge of wearing new jeans to work. New jeans on a day when I shouldn't have had to do anything but sit. New jeans that I thought would stretch out just a bit faster, in that way that all jeans eventually stretch out. Nope. And of course, I spent the day bending, lifting boxes, and continually adjusting the slightly uncomfortable fit of the jeans that will be perfect when they just stretch out a bit more.
That was the same day that I packed a pair of ballet flats to wear around the office, allowing me to shed the warm and cozy boots I wear for my commute by transit and on foot, through the snowy city. Oh, did I say I packed a "pair" of ballet flats? Well, if pair only indicates two, then I suppose I did. Two different left shoes!
And did I mention that through all of this I've had a voice that croaks and squeaks? The remnants of the cold that had me flat in bed last weekend.
It's been that kind of week, and honestly, I just have to laugh. It's good to know that I'm still collecting random and crazy stories! (I mean really, I've read some bad opening lines, but, "So you're here to be drug tested too"????!!!)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 100
Today's Daily 5:
- Subway for lunch
- getting off work early
- cookies
- curling up with a book
- watching Frasier on DVD
Our True Home
Another prayer from Walter Bruggemann:
Our True Home
God before and God behind,
God for us and God for your own self,
Maker of heaven and earth,
creator of sea and sky,
governor of day and night.
We give thanks for your ordered gift of life to us,
for the rhythms that reassure,
for the equilibriums that sustain,
for the reliabilities that curb our anxieties.
We treasure from you,
days to work and nights to rest.
We cherish from you,
days to control and nights to dream.
We savor from you,
days to plan and nights to dream.
Be our day and our night,
our heaven and our earth,
our sea and our sky,
and in the end our true home. Amen.
(Old Testament theology class /November 12, 1998)
Our True Home
God before and God behind,
God for us and God for your own self,
Maker of heaven and earth,
creator of sea and sky,
governor of day and night.
We give thanks for your ordered gift of life to us,
for the rhythms that reassure,
for the equilibriums that sustain,
for the reliabilities that curb our anxieties.
We treasure from you,
days to work and nights to rest.
We cherish from you,
days to control and nights to dream.
We savor from you,
days to plan and nights to dream.
Be our day and our night,
our heaven and our earth,
our sea and our sky,
and in the end our true home. Amen.
(Old Testament theology class /November 12, 1998)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 99
Today's Daily 5:
- banana muffins for breakfast
- a quick and easy accomplishment of another item on my list of things to accomplish for school
- an awesome deal on some new jeans
- Greek take-out for supper
- catching up on the phone with a good friend
Whimsical Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Today's edition of Whimsical Wednesday is particularly bookish. I had to laugh at the "Nerd Quirks" especially. I think all of them are true of me! As always, leave me a comment if one of these particularly caught your attention. Or, if you're bookish, tell me that I'm not the only one!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 98
Today's Daily 5:
- That my temp job is being flexible in allowing me to leave work early several days this week to take care of immunizations and other appointments required for entry into nursing
- A nurse with an accent that gave her away as being from Newfoundland (totally made me smile - plus you gotta love a nurse who looks at you after realizing she's going to have to use a minorly unsafe procedure for handling a needle and tells you that when you're a nurse you shouldn't ever do what she's about to do, or you'll get your butt fired!)
- thankful for drug insurance that covered most of the cost of one of the vaccinations I had to get today
- thankful for online booking available for blood tests (since it took 4 tries to get through and 20 minutes on hold the last time I booked an appointment)
- chocolate with hazelnuts. so good.
You Ask, I Answer Take 22
I'm bring back You Ask, I Answer once a week for a little while. Check this space on Tuesdays!
Today's question comes from Tea, who asked:
Where/what would be your dream vacation?
Oh dear. That's a terribly hard question to answer!
There are so many places I'd love visit.
I think, just at the moment, I could narrow it down to two places.
The first would be to visit Machu Picchu in Peru. I've dreamt of going there for ages, and can't wait for the day when I will finally visit. I actually spent my first birthday in Peru while my parents were leading a short term mission team, and it's a country that has somehow burrowed in my heart. I love the Spanish language, and I dream of going to Peru to visit someday, and spending some time in the ruins at Machu Picchu.
The second, at the moment would be to spend a month or so in New Zealand. One of my closest friends is from there, and will be returning shortly after quite some time abroad. New Zealand is a country I've heard so much about, and L. has promised to tour me all over the islands when I finally manage to visit her. I'm looking forward to beautiful vistas, great food, fun accents and conversations, time with a fabulously dear friend, and wine tours among other things.
Thanks for the question, Tea.
And now, let me throw it back out to all of you. Do you have a dream vacation? Tell me in the comments.
Today's question comes from Tea, who asked:
Where/what would be your dream vacation?
Oh dear. That's a terribly hard question to answer!
There are so many places I'd love visit.
I think, just at the moment, I could narrow it down to two places.
The first would be to visit Machu Picchu in Peru. I've dreamt of going there for ages, and can't wait for the day when I will finally visit. I actually spent my first birthday in Peru while my parents were leading a short term mission team, and it's a country that has somehow burrowed in my heart. I love the Spanish language, and I dream of going to Peru to visit someday, and spending some time in the ruins at Machu Picchu.
The second, at the moment would be to spend a month or so in New Zealand. One of my closest friends is from there, and will be returning shortly after quite some time abroad. New Zealand is a country I've heard so much about, and L. has promised to tour me all over the islands when I finally manage to visit her. I'm looking forward to beautiful vistas, great food, fun accents and conversations, time with a fabulously dear friend, and wine tours among other things.
Thanks for the question, Tea.
And now, let me throw it back out to all of you. Do you have a dream vacation? Tell me in the comments.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 97
Today's Daily 5:
- Lots of encouragement and love on my blog and facebook as I shared my big news publicly
- Reading over my lunch hour
- a day at the office that, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't too bad
- Subway for dinner
- a restful evening at home
Big News
I sent out this update email yesterday to some dear friends who have been praying for me over the last couple years, and I wanted to share this exciting news here as well!
Hi All!
Hi All!
I thought I would send out an overdue update.
Let me start with some fabulous news! I was accepted into the nursing program at the University of Calgary, with the program beginning this coming January! That's right - after a year and a half of waiting and praying, and three application attempts, this dream is happening for me, and I'm thrilled. Honestly, though the waiting has been terrifically hard, I feel like I am a stronger and more whole person because of the way that Jesus has worked in my life in the intervening time of waiting, and I can't wait to see where things go with this program. I was accepted into the 28 month program, so, for the next 28 months, studying will be commanding the majority of my time. I'm looking forward to the challenge.
I wanted to thank all of you for praying for me as I've waited and wondered what would come next, and ask you to pray about a few specific things for the coming year.
First, would you pray for my housing situation? As most of you know, I've been living in my grandma's basement for almost two years now, and it is not an ideal situation. Now that I know what my plans will be for the next couple years, I'm going to actively pursue the process of finding an alternate living arrangement. This will likely look either like having roommates, or finding something that I will be able to afford on my own while in school. If I'm honest, I'm really dreaming about having a little space that is all my own - after the challenges life has thrown my way in the last couple years, a little retreat all my own would be fabulous. That said, I'm open to whatever Jesus drops in my lap (and if any of you know of possibilities, definitely let me know!)
Second, would you pray for employment? I'm employed on a temp contract through December (exact end date is still uncertain). After that, I will need to find some part time employment to supplement my income while I am a student. I'm hoping to find something that will pay well, and be flexible around what I know is a fairly intense school schedule. Please pray that I would find just the right thing to help cover my costs for this next season.
And finally, would you pray for me as I dive into studying again? Pray that I will be diligent, that my mind will be clear, that I will absorb and understand the material quickly and easily.
I'd love to hear from all of you and get an update on your lives as well! Let me know how I can be praying for each of you as well!
Much love and hugs to all of you!
Lisa
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 96
Today's Daily 5:
- Sleeping in this morning
- Baking banana muffins
- feeling a bit better
- pausing to reflect through a couple of lectio divinas
- resting at home
A Few Worth Reading
I spent the entirety of yesterday in bed. Seems I managed to catch a bad cold that wiped out all semblance of energy, and left me with a sore throat. Blah. So, I drifted in and out of sleep, caught up on a few emails from a prone position, chatted with an overseas friend on skype, and ate applesauce and pancakes (not together).
In any case, I have very few original thoughts at this moment, but wanted to send you to a couple of blog posts I read and appreciated this week. Both explore the challenges of other cultures. One made me laugh, and one left me very reflective. Both are worth reading. Check them out!
Tug of War Over My Underwear
Hold Me God
I should note that I consistently appreciate the content on both of these blogs - they're some of the ones I most look forward to seeing pop up with new posts in google reader. If you're interested at all in cross-cultural challenges, if you love to laugh, or if you just care about the world, these are both blogs that are worth checking out on a regular basis.
In any case, I have very few original thoughts at this moment, but wanted to send you to a couple of blog posts I read and appreciated this week. Both explore the challenges of other cultures. One made me laugh, and one left me very reflective. Both are worth reading. Check them out!
Tug of War Over My Underwear
Hold Me God
I should note that I consistently appreciate the content on both of these blogs - they're some of the ones I most look forward to seeing pop up with new posts in google reader. If you're interested at all in cross-cultural challenges, if you love to laugh, or if you just care about the world, these are both blogs that are worth checking out on a regular basis.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 95
Today's Daily 5:
- Thankful that I didn't have any plans today, and could simply rest in bed when illness settled in overnight
- Naps. I think I took at least three today, and all were lovely.
- Skyping with L. So much fun, always, to connect with one of my favorite people, even with some technical glitches today.
- The refreshment of a shower.
- foods that taste good when you're sick - applesauce, pancakes made from scratch. Soft, gentle stuff for my aching throat and tired body.
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 94
Today's (well yesterday's really) Daily 5:
- Friday
- finishing work early
- managing to accomplish an errand
- Korean BBQ with a good friend
- the laughter and conversation that comes while sharing a meal with a long time friend
Friday, November 18, 2011
Friday!
Y'all, I'm so glad it's Friday.
This week has been full of lots of good things, but it's been busy, and I haven't had much quiet, or much rest.
That whole routine I had going of having time to wind-down at night, away from my computer? Out the window this week. And inspite of giving up that extra hour or more each night, my email inbox still looks somewhat overwhelming to me.
I have almost no formal plans this weekend, and I can't wait.
I'm going out for Korean food with one of my oldest friends tonight (she spent some time teaching in Korea and knows just what to order). I'm skyping tomorrow with a very dear friend living on another continent - one of my favorite people. But other than that, nothing set in stone. I have a (growing) list of tasks and reading and writing to accomplish, but they're all things that can be done at a gentle pace, and from the comfort of a couch, with my laptop. A couple of key things are already off that list, as I made some phone calls this morning that were actually productive.
So, a weekend enjoying just a bit of time with friends, and lots of time to rest and/or accomplish.
Can't wait!
This week has been full of lots of good things, but it's been busy, and I haven't had much quiet, or much rest.
That whole routine I had going of having time to wind-down at night, away from my computer? Out the window this week. And inspite of giving up that extra hour or more each night, my email inbox still looks somewhat overwhelming to me.
I have almost no formal plans this weekend, and I can't wait.
I'm going out for Korean food with one of my oldest friends tonight (she spent some time teaching in Korea and knows just what to order). I'm skyping tomorrow with a very dear friend living on another continent - one of my favorite people. But other than that, nothing set in stone. I have a (growing) list of tasks and reading and writing to accomplish, but they're all things that can be done at a gentle pace, and from the comfort of a couch, with my laptop. A couple of key things are already off that list, as I made some phone calls this morning that were actually productive.
So, a weekend enjoying just a bit of time with friends, and lots of time to rest and/or accomplish.
Can't wait!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 93
Today's Daily 5:
- a long sweater
- wearing my favorite colorful scarf
- string cheese
- a good appointment
- an encouraging discussion at house church
Ask Me Anything
I'd love to have some more questions for another set of You Ask, I Answer posts.
So, ask me anything! It can be totally random. It can be political or spiritual or intellectual.
Today is your day - ask anything, and if you leave questions, I'll make a list and answer them in their own set of posts!
So, ask me anything! It can be totally random. It can be political or spiritual or intellectual.
Today is your day - ask anything, and if you leave questions, I'll make a list and answer them in their own set of posts!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 92
Today's Daily 5:
- Cozy boots
- a helpful and accomodating clerk at the police station where I was applying for a criminal record check necessary for an upcoming commitment
- leftover Vietnamese food
- House church leader's meeting
- conversations while driving with friends
Whimsical Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I had a flash of odd humor as I picked the images for this week's edition of Whimsical Wednesday. I'd love to hear which image caught your attention this week.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 91
Today's Daily 5:
- sharing some happy news with a dear friend via email
- a productive lunch hour
- calls that were actually returned
- a cozy, flowy scarf
- Vietnamese take-out
Stunned by the Morning
I have another prayer of Walter Bruggemann to share with you today.
Stunned by the Morning
The night of defeat is long and still and unbearable.
We know the nights.
And our sisters and brothers
who are cold,
and hungry,
and brutalized know them better than do we.
And you also know the night in Ashdod and in a trillion other times.
How it is with you in the night we do not know.
Perhaps it is like it is with us.
We, with the Philistines, are stunned by the morning.
stunned to find our pet projects toppled.
stunned to find our favorite gods failed.
stunned to find our managed hopes defeated.
Then you in the morning.
You only.
You in splendor.
You in glory.
You in power.
This day we dazzle at your glory in the midst of our long night.
Move in your glory this day in the midst of our many nights.
Bring us to your day.
To your new day.
Your third day. Amen.
(written on Reading 1 Samuel 5 /March 2, 2000)
Stunned by the Morning
The night of defeat is long and still and unbearable.
We know the nights.
And our sisters and brothers
who are cold,
and hungry,
and brutalized know them better than do we.
And you also know the night in Ashdod and in a trillion other times.
How it is with you in the night we do not know.
Perhaps it is like it is with us.
We, with the Philistines, are stunned by the morning.
stunned to find our pet projects toppled.
stunned to find our favorite gods failed.
stunned to find our managed hopes defeated.
Then you in the morning.
You only.
You in splendor.
You in glory.
You in power.
This day we dazzle at your glory in the midst of our long night.
Move in your glory this day in the midst of our many nights.
Bring us to your day.
To your new day.
Your third day. Amen.
(written on Reading 1 Samuel 5 /March 2, 2000)
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 90
I got home late last night and didn't get a chance to write a list for the day. So, here's Yesterday's Daily 5:
- Plus 15's - these fabulous elevated tunnels that link buildings and let you walk all over downtown without going into the snow
- baby N's hilarious method of scooting across the floor
- laughter with a friend
- time to catch up and pray together with my friend A.
- 2 years and 90 days of making these lists.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Bread
Lately in the Look at Jesus course that Christianne has been teaching, we've been talking about the metaphors that Jesus used to describe himself in the book of John. As I pondered some of them the other night, the one that particularly caught me was his description of himself as the "Bread of Life."
Bread is an image that immediately evoked a sensory response. Smells and tastes and memories sprang to mind.
I thought of standing in the basement of the student centre at the university and smelling the aroma of baking bread emerging from one of the sandwich shops and wafting to fill the corridors.
I thought about the experiences I've had this last year as I've worked with yeast doughs for the first time - not making bread yet, but learning what it is to work with yeast, and to knead and work dough.
And I thought about all the different breads I've eaten. The various loaves available here in Canada - loaves with seeds and grains. Crispy french bread spread with a layer of butter. All sorts, really.
And I thought about the bread I ate in Malta. Maltese bread is something pretty special. It comes in round loaves, and is dense, with a hard, crispy crust. It was a staple of nearly every meal I ate during my time there, and I think my particular favorite way to eat it was spread with butter and jam. So good. I've never found anything quite like it here in Canada.
So Jesus reminds me that he is bread, and I think about the different kinds of bread - the ones that melt in my mouth, and the ones like Maltese bread that require a bit more chewing, a bit more work. He reminds me that He is bread, and I think of what I know of history - how bread has always been a staple of survival, how it is central to so many middle-eastern, european and western cuisines, how it was bread that the devil suggested Jesus form from stones during the temptation in the wilderness. I think about yeast and how carefully it must be handled to ensure it multiplies, and about kneading dough, repetitive, hard work if ever there was such a thing.
I think about these things and ponder how they are true of my relationship with Jesus - how there are things about him that are easy to swallow and absorb, and things that require much mulling, chewing, wrestling to absorb. I think about times I have fasted, and how the one thing I wanted more than anything was bread, spread with butter, how it was an immense temptation to smell those things. I'm pondering the realities of yeast - how it must be carefully cultivated for it to multiply and grow, and then how it must be kneaded into dough, mixed and turned until it is spread and absorbed. How true is it that I must carefully cultivate Christ in my life, and turn and mix His words until they are absorbed within me and grow new sprouts of life and healing.
It's quite some time since I've been so struck by an image of Christ, but this one, this one of Him as bread - as sustenance, basic sustenance, though not always the easiest form of sustenance to absorb - this is an image that has captured my heart the last few days, and one that I am meditating on as I look at the days ahead.
And you - is there something that the image of Jesus as the Bread of Life evokes for you? Or is there perhaps another image of Christ that is standing out for you at the moment? I'd love to hear!
Bread is an image that immediately evoked a sensory response. Smells and tastes and memories sprang to mind.
I thought of standing in the basement of the student centre at the university and smelling the aroma of baking bread emerging from one of the sandwich shops and wafting to fill the corridors.
I thought about the experiences I've had this last year as I've worked with yeast doughs for the first time - not making bread yet, but learning what it is to work with yeast, and to knead and work dough.
And I thought about all the different breads I've eaten. The various loaves available here in Canada - loaves with seeds and grains. Crispy french bread spread with a layer of butter. All sorts, really.
And I thought about the bread I ate in Malta. Maltese bread is something pretty special. It comes in round loaves, and is dense, with a hard, crispy crust. It was a staple of nearly every meal I ate during my time there, and I think my particular favorite way to eat it was spread with butter and jam. So good. I've never found anything quite like it here in Canada.
So Jesus reminds me that he is bread, and I think about the different kinds of bread - the ones that melt in my mouth, and the ones like Maltese bread that require a bit more chewing, a bit more work. He reminds me that He is bread, and I think of what I know of history - how bread has always been a staple of survival, how it is central to so many middle-eastern, european and western cuisines, how it was bread that the devil suggested Jesus form from stones during the temptation in the wilderness. I think about yeast and how carefully it must be handled to ensure it multiplies, and about kneading dough, repetitive, hard work if ever there was such a thing.
I think about these things and ponder how they are true of my relationship with Jesus - how there are things about him that are easy to swallow and absorb, and things that require much mulling, chewing, wrestling to absorb. I think about times I have fasted, and how the one thing I wanted more than anything was bread, spread with butter, how it was an immense temptation to smell those things. I'm pondering the realities of yeast - how it must be carefully cultivated for it to multiply and grow, and then how it must be kneaded into dough, mixed and turned until it is spread and absorbed. How true is it that I must carefully cultivate Christ in my life, and turn and mix His words until they are absorbed within me and grow new sprouts of life and healing.
It's quite some time since I've been so struck by an image of Christ, but this one, this one of Him as bread - as sustenance, basic sustenance, though not always the easiest form of sustenance to absorb - this is an image that has captured my heart the last few days, and one that I am meditating on as I look at the days ahead.
And you - is there something that the image of Jesus as the Bread of Life evokes for you? Or is there perhaps another image of Christ that is standing out for you at the moment? I'd love to hear!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 89
Today's Daily 5:
- sleeping in late
- a long hot shower
- an afternoon of errand running on my own
- figuring out the beginnings of a new knitting pattern on my own
- watching Frasier on DVD
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 88
Today's Daily 5:
- A day spent in the mountains
- chatting and laughing with T & L
- visiting a few favorite spots
- hot springs - love the hot springs
- knitting in the car as we talked and listened to some teaching audio on the way home
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 87
For the second time recently, I realized just now that I forgot to post a daily 5 for yesterday before heading to bed, so, here it is!
Today's Daily 5:
Today's Daily 5:
- A day off from work
- A long hot bath
- Watching a couple of favorite shows on television
- A super long, and much needed nap
- an evening that I'd expected to be awkward that was actually pretty great
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 86
Today's Daily 5:
- a full moon peeking through clouds this morning
- skinny jeans with new boots
- a slightly warmer outside climate
- downtown trees strung with twinkle lights
- a day where I felt good in my own skin
- laughing with friends
- smiling at a child's antics
- reading and discussing scripture at house church
- sharing a meal with friends
- collecting a hug or two
Daylight Savings?
I'm sure there is a perfectly logical explanation for daylight savings, but I'm not really interested in hearing it at this moment.
I'd rather rant.
Rant about things like the fact that the onset of daylight savings, in combination with living in the northern hemisphere means that I don't actually see daylight on week days.
I arrive in my windowless office a full hour or so before sunrise, and by the time I arrive home at night, it's once again dark. I see maybe 20 minutes of dusky daylight at the end of the day as I sit on the bus to commute home.
This is not a good idea.
Of course, that's only my opinion :)
(Your thoughts welcome in the comments!)
I'd rather rant.
Rant about things like the fact that the onset of daylight savings, in combination with living in the northern hemisphere means that I don't actually see daylight on week days.
I arrive in my windowless office a full hour or so before sunrise, and by the time I arrive home at night, it's once again dark. I see maybe 20 minutes of dusky daylight at the end of the day as I sit on the bus to commute home.
This is not a good idea.
Of course, that's only my opinion :)
(Your thoughts welcome in the comments!)
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 85
Today's Daily 5:
- Wearing jeans at work
- the disappearance of a fever I had last night
- wearing a cozy scarf from far away
- knock-off Ugg Boots
- Receiving some promising news
Whimsical Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I was quite sick last night, so today's Whimsical Wednesday is quite short. Just one image that I loved. So, it's your turn - leave me a link in the comments to something that inspired you this week.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 84
Today's Daily 5:
- a quiet evening with no plans on a night where I'm not feeling well
- a day at work that went smoothly
- listening to some teaching on Listening Prayer
- a tall glass of water
- curling up under a heavy pile of blankets
Loud Insides, Quiet Outside
I don't quite know what to write in this space some days.
This week feels like one of those weeks. I've been running on full tilt, and haven't had the quiet time needed to process and dream a little.
I found out yesterday that my company does indeed take Remembrance Day off. That is such good news. It means that on Friday morning I can sleep in a bit. It gives me a day with some breathing room. I can't tell you how relieved that I am about that.
So, there is a lot swirling around inside me, but on days when I barely have time to read and respond to emails, I definitely haven't had time to wade through those swirls and sort them into things that can be externalized.
And that might just be the way life looks for a little while - shorter blog posts, quieter outsides. But rarely in my life do quieter outsides mean quiet insides!
This week feels like one of those weeks. I've been running on full tilt, and haven't had the quiet time needed to process and dream a little.
I found out yesterday that my company does indeed take Remembrance Day off. That is such good news. It means that on Friday morning I can sleep in a bit. It gives me a day with some breathing room. I can't tell you how relieved that I am about that.
So, there is a lot swirling around inside me, but on days when I barely have time to read and respond to emails, I definitely haven't had time to wade through those swirls and sort them into things that can be externalized.
And that might just be the way life looks for a little while - shorter blog posts, quieter outsides. But rarely in my life do quieter outsides mean quiet insides!
Monday, November 07, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 83
Today's Daily 5:
- spotting Orion's belt and the big dipper this morning as I waited for the bus
- a bus that came on time
- the first time wearing a sweater I picked up on sale on the weekend
- finding out that it's a short work week
- bubble gum
- chinese food
- a helpful employee at the mall
- finding a pair of black boots that will work for winter, but also other seasons
- a warm bed
- good bus connections getting home
Aflight
Ian over at Shallowfrozenwater posted this video last week, and I had to share it with all of you, since I found it truly lovely, and reminiscent of the way creation so often cries out of God in my heart. I watch something like this and find myself in awe, and wanting to worship.
Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.
Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 82
Today's Daily 5:
- Sleeping in
- attending the afternoon session of a conference alone, and feeling free to worship
- catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in a while
- worship led by Jason Upton - so different from anything else out there - contemplative, prophetic, so powerful and refreshing
- a hug from a friend I hadn't seen in years, and the knowledge that I'll get to catch up with her a bit tomorrow
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 81
Today's Daily 5:
- sleeping in
- baking banana muffins with chocolate and peanut butter chips
- doing errands on my own
- pea and bacon pasta
- a great teaching from Brad Jersak at the conference I attended
- one of the most honest and great conversations with friends in a long time afterwards, even though it left me reeling a bit
Friday, November 04, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 80
Today's Daily 5:
- blueberry muffins
- cradling a hot mug of tea in cold hands
- safe commutes on the first snowfall of the season
- friday night rest and relaxation
- work ending early on a day when I definitely was having a harder time than usual coping with the challenges of this particular job situation
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 79
I just realized that I forgot to post yesterday's Daily 5, so, here's Yesterday's Daily 5:
- Wearing a pair of boots that I love, purchased while I was in Malta
- picking up breakfast on my way to work
- Quarter and Nickel candy from a convenience store
- tears that were mostly cathartic
- a knitting lesson, and the encouragement of friends
Quiet
I'm declaring a quiet weekend in this space, starting now. I'll be around for the Daily 5 posts this weekend, but that's probably it.
This has been a wearing sort of week, and sleep last night was fleeting. I had odd dreams of leeches and dogs and all sorts of other things. A weird conglomeration, really, and morning came far too soon for comfort and rest.
Plus, it's finally snowing here. Those of you who know me well know that I am NOT a fan of either winter or the white stuff that comes with it.
So, I'm going to take a weekend to rest. I'm attending a conference this weekend, and recovering from a tiring couple weeks as I gear up for a very busy November.
See you Monday!
This has been a wearing sort of week, and sleep last night was fleeting. I had odd dreams of leeches and dogs and all sorts of other things. A weird conglomeration, really, and morning came far too soon for comfort and rest.
Plus, it's finally snowing here. Those of you who know me well know that I am NOT a fan of either winter or the white stuff that comes with it.
So, I'm going to take a weekend to rest. I'm attending a conference this weekend, and recovering from a tiring couple weeks as I gear up for a very busy November.
See you Monday!
Thursday, November 03, 2011
No Newness Yet
I've been revisiting an absolutely beautiful book of prayers written by Walter Bruggemann lately, and have found myself moved again by his words and driven to share some of these prayers with you. Each prayer in the book was written for an occasion (such as a class lecture - he opened classes with these beautifully written prayers). This particular prayer caught my attention in a week where I'm celebrating an anniversary of healing, but also conscious of all the places in my own life, and in the world that still cry out for healing. Bruggemann wrote this prayer for a class on the Psalms that he taught, and the prayer is dated January 21, 1999.
No Newness Yet
You are the God who makes all things new.
We gladly raise our voices and move our lips
to acknowledge, celebrate, and proclaim
your staggering newness.
As we do so, we hold in our hearts
deep awareness of all the places where your newness
is not visible, and
has not come.
Our hearts link to many places of wretchedness
short of your newness.
We picture our folks at home,
sick, in pain, disabled, paralyzed
(we name Frank).
and no newness yet.
We know up close the deep wretchedness
of poverty, of homelessness, of hunger
and no newness yet.
Move our hearts closer to the passion of our lips.
Move our lips closer to your own newness.
Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us.
Move us closer to your bodied newness in Jesus,
newness of strength come in weakness,
newness of wisdom come in foolishness.
Draw us from the wretchedness we know
to his scarred, bloody wretchedness
that is your odd entry into our life.
We pray in the sane of his suffering newness. Amen.
No Newness Yet
You are the God who makes all things new.
We gladly raise our voices and move our lips
to acknowledge, celebrate, and proclaim
your staggering newness.
As we do so, we hold in our hearts
deep awareness of all the places where your newness
is not visible, and
has not come.
Our hearts link to many places of wretchedness
short of your newness.
We picture our folks at home,
sick, in pain, disabled, paralyzed
(we name Frank).
and no newness yet.
We know up close the deep wretchedness
of poverty, of homelessness, of hunger
and no newness yet.
Move our hearts closer to the passion of our lips.
Move our lips closer to your own newness.
Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us.
Move us closer to your bodied newness in Jesus,
newness of strength come in weakness,
newness of wisdom come in foolishness.
Draw us from the wretchedness we know
to his scarred, bloody wretchedness
that is your odd entry into our life.
We pray in the sane of his suffering newness. Amen.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 78
Today's Daily 5:
- Twinkle lights on the trees downtown
- quiet time alone at lunch
- finishing up an audiobook I was listening to
- steak dinner with the family
- soft bed to sink into at the end of the night
Whimsical Wednesday, November 2, 2011
As always on this week's Whimsical Wednesday, I'm curious to know which image you are most drawn to, and why?
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 77
Today's Daily 5:
- Celebrating six years of healing
- Lots of blog comment dialog over the last couple days
- wearing my new coat
- a bus driver who keeps the heat running
- emails and congratulatory texts from friends joining in my celebration from afar
- a big mug of tea
- a cozy scarf
- being alone in the office for nearly half of the day at work
- reading over lunch
- encouraging friends
- a bowl of my favorite soup at supper
- a quiet evening alone, thinking, resting and reflecting
- laughter
- A glass of ice wine
- chocolate
An Ending and a Beginning (6 Years of Healing)
I've spent the last month thinking about what I would write in this space today.
Today I'm celebrating six years of healing.
Six years ago today, November 1st was also a Tuesday, and I had one of the most unusual, and ultimately powerful experiences of my life. It was a day that changed my faith and in many ways the course of my journey with Jesus.
I've written about it in past years, so I'll just briefly tell the story before moving on to the things my heart has been reflecting on in the months leading up to this anniversary.
For between seven and ten years I had been suffering from severe depression that had slowly and persistently encompassed everything in my life. My childhood faith was in tatters - the first time I'd talked to God in months had been the previous night, when something broke inside me after a challenging evening with friends, and I'd driven home alone in the dark car and yelled at God, pouring out anger and pain. I was suffering from severe and intense nightmares, and terrible insomnia. I was 22 years old, and it had been at least five years since I'd last slept through a night without my rest being interrupted by either wakefulness or many nightmares. Good Christian and pastor's kid guilt along with a healthy dose of fear kept me alive in those days - too afraid to take my own life, and too aware of what my release from pain would cost those around me. I went to bed each night begging God to simply let me die in my sleep. There simply wasn't a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
It was in that space that I crawled out of bed and went to university on November 1, 2005. I began seeing and hearing unusual images in my head, and was left unsettled. Since I'd become involved in a church that believed in the active presence of the Holy Spirit, I was aware that these seemed to be spiritual experiences, but they fell firmly in my category of "weird." I went to the house group I attended that night, and let the friend who was my resource for all things spiritually "weird" know that I'd had an odd day, and needed to talk. We had our meeting and went upstairs to drink iced tea and eat cookies. It was part of the routine. My friend was on his way out the door, standing at the bottom of landing, when he remembered I wanted to talk. I put him off, telling him it could wait, that he should "call me tomorrow." He insisted.
I sat on the stairs and he stood on the landing and I began to fill him in. His reaction was strong, and he asked me to take a walk with him so we could keep talk. I protested. It was blizzarding outside, had snowed several inches since we'd arrived earlier in the evening. He insisted again. We walked for a long time, talking and praying, and then, when we were too cold and wet to keep walking, sat in his car and kept talking and praying. I think we ended up talking for close to three hours, late into the night.
He had been patiently waiting and watching for a couple years. I can't count the number of times he had invited me to come before Jesus with this immense thing that was plaguing me, and I had shut him down. For whatever reason, that night, after my odd day, I was able to let down my guard, and He led me into the presence of Jesus in new and deep ways. We never prayed for healing or deliverance that night, at least not in those words, but I walked away healed and set free. That all encompassing hopelessness and despair has never returned. That night I slept for six straight hours without waking or having a nightmare.
I think about that day often, and more so this year, when my One Little Word has been "heal". Jesus met me that night, and healed some broken pieces of my heart. Some things haven't changed - I still struggle with my mood at times (in fact, this year I've begun taking medication to help with that which has made a significant difference, and I've been seeing a therapist to continue to further that process of healing). Sleep still isn't my special gift in life, though the overwhelming nightmares remain thankfully rare. (God, with his crazy sense of humor has replaced the nightmares with sometimes equally vivid, though thankfully far less terrifying, spiritual dreams.)
I guess what my heart reflects on this year is that that moment six years ago was an ending, but it was also a beginning.
It was the ending of an all encompassing darkness that was tangible, spiritual, and had held me, hopeless, in its clutches since I was an early teen. I believe with all my heart that I will never again face that (though, as more and more time passes, I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the midst of it.) That ending is a precious gift, and is one that I celebrate each year on this day, and that I will continue to celebrate.
But it was also the beginning. It was the beginning of a crazy roller coaster journey of knowing God's Spirit alive and working in me. It was the beginning of a journey that took me overseas, and brought me home again. Of a journey marked by both gains and painful losses. It was the beginning of an incredible process of healing and being made whole - a process that someone recently reminded me is rather like an onion, with layers. (How did we ever explained layered things before Shrek made that analogy so common?) This year, in my year of heal, that process has been exaggerated, unexpected, and still beautiful.
I'm here to say simply that I'm thankful - that I'm thankful for the friend who invited me to come before Jesus and be freed by His presence. And I'm so thankful for the ongoing journey with the Jesus whom I met in new ways that night - for the ongoing work of his redemption and resurrection in my life - that He is making me new.
(I want to invite you to ask questions - this post is long and if I said everything that I would have loved to have shared about that night, or these last six years, I'd never stop writing. So, email me at the address in my profile, or leave a comment and I'd love to dialogue either privately or in these posts about whatever you're wondering about.)
I want to close with what is probably the passage of Scripture most precious to my heart, because it cries out what I have experienced - a Lord who hears and heals and rescues and sets free. My Bible sits on a table in my bedroom, available for easy access, and is nearly always open to this passage.
Psalm 116
I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
Today I'm celebrating six years of healing.
Six years ago today, November 1st was also a Tuesday, and I had one of the most unusual, and ultimately powerful experiences of my life. It was a day that changed my faith and in many ways the course of my journey with Jesus.
I've written about it in past years, so I'll just briefly tell the story before moving on to the things my heart has been reflecting on in the months leading up to this anniversary.
For between seven and ten years I had been suffering from severe depression that had slowly and persistently encompassed everything in my life. My childhood faith was in tatters - the first time I'd talked to God in months had been the previous night, when something broke inside me after a challenging evening with friends, and I'd driven home alone in the dark car and yelled at God, pouring out anger and pain. I was suffering from severe and intense nightmares, and terrible insomnia. I was 22 years old, and it had been at least five years since I'd last slept through a night without my rest being interrupted by either wakefulness or many nightmares. Good Christian and pastor's kid guilt along with a healthy dose of fear kept me alive in those days - too afraid to take my own life, and too aware of what my release from pain would cost those around me. I went to bed each night begging God to simply let me die in my sleep. There simply wasn't a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
It was in that space that I crawled out of bed and went to university on November 1, 2005. I began seeing and hearing unusual images in my head, and was left unsettled. Since I'd become involved in a church that believed in the active presence of the Holy Spirit, I was aware that these seemed to be spiritual experiences, but they fell firmly in my category of "weird." I went to the house group I attended that night, and let the friend who was my resource for all things spiritually "weird" know that I'd had an odd day, and needed to talk. We had our meeting and went upstairs to drink iced tea and eat cookies. It was part of the routine. My friend was on his way out the door, standing at the bottom of landing, when he remembered I wanted to talk. I put him off, telling him it could wait, that he should "call me tomorrow." He insisted.
I sat on the stairs and he stood on the landing and I began to fill him in. His reaction was strong, and he asked me to take a walk with him so we could keep talk. I protested. It was blizzarding outside, had snowed several inches since we'd arrived earlier in the evening. He insisted again. We walked for a long time, talking and praying, and then, when we were too cold and wet to keep walking, sat in his car and kept talking and praying. I think we ended up talking for close to three hours, late into the night.
He had been patiently waiting and watching for a couple years. I can't count the number of times he had invited me to come before Jesus with this immense thing that was plaguing me, and I had shut him down. For whatever reason, that night, after my odd day, I was able to let down my guard, and He led me into the presence of Jesus in new and deep ways. We never prayed for healing or deliverance that night, at least not in those words, but I walked away healed and set free. That all encompassing hopelessness and despair has never returned. That night I slept for six straight hours without waking or having a nightmare.
I think about that day often, and more so this year, when my One Little Word has been "heal". Jesus met me that night, and healed some broken pieces of my heart. Some things haven't changed - I still struggle with my mood at times (in fact, this year I've begun taking medication to help with that which has made a significant difference, and I've been seeing a therapist to continue to further that process of healing). Sleep still isn't my special gift in life, though the overwhelming nightmares remain thankfully rare. (God, with his crazy sense of humor has replaced the nightmares with sometimes equally vivid, though thankfully far less terrifying, spiritual dreams.)
I guess what my heart reflects on this year is that that moment six years ago was an ending, but it was also a beginning.
It was the ending of an all encompassing darkness that was tangible, spiritual, and had held me, hopeless, in its clutches since I was an early teen. I believe with all my heart that I will never again face that (though, as more and more time passes, I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the midst of it.) That ending is a precious gift, and is one that I celebrate each year on this day, and that I will continue to celebrate.
But it was also the beginning. It was the beginning of a crazy roller coaster journey of knowing God's Spirit alive and working in me. It was the beginning of a journey that took me overseas, and brought me home again. Of a journey marked by both gains and painful losses. It was the beginning of an incredible process of healing and being made whole - a process that someone recently reminded me is rather like an onion, with layers. (How did we ever explained layered things before Shrek made that analogy so common?) This year, in my year of heal, that process has been exaggerated, unexpected, and still beautiful.
I'm here to say simply that I'm thankful - that I'm thankful for the friend who invited me to come before Jesus and be freed by His presence. And I'm so thankful for the ongoing journey with the Jesus whom I met in new ways that night - for the ongoing work of his redemption and resurrection in my life - that He is making me new.
(I want to invite you to ask questions - this post is long and if I said everything that I would have loved to have shared about that night, or these last six years, I'd never stop writing. So, email me at the address in my profile, or leave a comment and I'd love to dialogue either privately or in these posts about whatever you're wondering about.)
I want to close with what is probably the passage of Scripture most precious to my heart, because it cries out what I have experienced - a Lord who hears and heals and rescues and sets free. My Bible sits on a table in my bedroom, available for easy access, and is nearly always open to this passage.
Psalm 116
I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
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