Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 107

Today's Daily 5:

1. A bus driver who actually had the heat on
2. wearing a favorite wool toque with pom poms on it
3. "toys for Jesus"
4. taking an actual lunch break
5. a treatment tonight that actually managed to relieve my headache and relax my neck just a little

I Speak English

My major job at work right now is phoning families that have been referred to us by other agencies to set up appointments for them to come in and "shop" for toys for their children for Christmas.  It's fabulous, as it basically means that all day every day I'm making people happy. 

However, making these phone calls all day has made me incredibly aware of how much of a blessing it is to be living in a place where I speak the dominant language fluently.  Most of the people I phone are immigrants with varying degrees of ability to speak English.  I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to navigate a new culture on a daily basis, knowing people are trying to communicate important information to you about appointments, about your immigration status, about your health and children, and have to struggle to understand.

That said, there have been some moments of general hilarity, or deep poignancy.  The woman who was so relieved when I called, and admitted she was having a hard day.  She'd lost a baby recently, and was grieving.  She told me that she was so happy I called because she was doing enough grieving, and she didn't want her living child to also grieve.  Being able to provide Christmas for her child was a miracle in her day, and I got to be a part of it.  There was one woman who turned down my offer of an appointment, telling me that while her income was still low, she could provide for her children, and she'd rather the gifts go to a family who was in the place hers had been a few years ago.  And then there was the woman who, when I asked her to spell her last name, did so emphatically, in her thickly accented English, and had me working hard not to burst into laughter.  Her response?  "It's Fu.  Eff.  You!"  I cracked up as soon as I hung up the phone.  The whole thing was made far funnier by her complete lack of awareness as she proudly spelled her name for me, ensuring we were communicating smoothly!

These are my days, and I'm glad I speak English.  It's something I took for granted, and patiently calling these people day after day is making me re-think that.  It's a blessing to speak the dominant language of the country in which you live.  And it's one I'll remember, if, as I dream of, I one day find myself transplanted to some place where I am no longer fluent in the dominant language.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 106

Today's Daily 5:

1. A productive morning
2. eating yummy leftovers for lunch
3. our boss stopping by with a dessert treat for us
4. starting work early means finishing work early
5. a leisurely hot shower
6. quiet evening
7. finishing up the Jesse Tree ornaments and hanging the first one
8. watching the latest episode of The Amazing Race

Monday

My body has still not adjusted sleep schedules to be working.  I'm still up too late every night, and mornings come sort of painfully early.

But, it's something of a consolation to know that when I get to work, it's an office without the painful and constant tensions and frustrations of the job that ended in the spring.  That when I get here, the phone calls I make won't be from people with grievances, but from people who are delighted to hear from me, because I'm the person calling to tell them that they're going to be able to provide gifts for their kids this Christmas.

This morning I have an aching neck, and a scraped up forearm.  Last night I was hanging a string from my ceiling, while standing on a chair.  A string on which to hang the Jesse Tree Advent ornaments I spent last night (and most likely tonight) creating.  Unfortunately, with my usual athletic grace (have I mentioned that I tend to be sarcastic?) I managed to overbalance myself, and nearly fall off the chair.  I jerked my neck (again, no surprise there, either.  I have unique neck injuring skills.) and scraped a bunch of skin off of my right forearm as I careened downward while attempting to at least land on my feet.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here for a few moments in my office, before the usual maelstorm of crazy begins.  Christmas, it seems, is a little bit crazy around here.  I have a mug of pomegranate green tea.  I've managed to eat a little bit of breakfast, and I'm getting ready to wince as I hear just how many voicemails came in over the weekend, waiting for call-backs from me. 

But it's quiet, and I'm feeling peaceful.  And that's worth being thankful for.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 105

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 105 days of making these lists
2. sleeping late
3. Starbucks from a friend
4. Painting pottery at a local shop with a friend and talking as we painted
5. recognizing growth
6. visiting a dollar store with mom and finding the items I was hunting for
7. laughing over the fact that the first advent candle that I was so dreading signifies hope
8. sparkly tissue paper for wrapping a gift
9. getting a ride home
10. spending the evening being creative, and assembling the first half of the Jesse tree ornaments from this blog, for the way I've chosen to uniquely recognize Advent this year.  I printed the ornaments and sat on the floor of my bedroom for a couple hours with various scrapbook supplies scattered around me, making the ornaments unique and personal and pretty.
11. a surprise few minutes of skype with a dear friend who is currently traveling
12. recognizing growth and being surprised and blessed to discover it
13. sitting here, propped in bed, and staring at the map of the world and "wall of happy" across from me
14. taking time to paint my fingernails
15. a weekend that was primarily quiet and full of restful things
16. escapist television on dvd
17. a mug of tea
18. sweet smelling oil in my oil burner
19. making choices out of care and restraint
20. finding reasons to laugh, and feel joy

First Advent

It's Sunday morning again, and I'm again laying in a darkened room, pondering.

It's the beginning of Advent today.  A new church year.  Just another season of waiting and longing.

And honestly, as I was laying here, I was pondering if I would even choose to acknowledge that this year.

This whole year has been full of drama, of feeling ripped apart, of waiting and longing.

I'm pretty tired of the longing.

Ironic for me to say that, given that just recently I wrote here about the fact that I feel like God has been challenging me to really long for things, to really dream and long for those dreams to be fulfilled.

And so I was laying here, pondering if this year I would "celebrate" (what a ridiculous word for recognizing this season) Advent.  I feel guilty for wanting to ignore it, for ignoring that part of my heart that just naturally tunes itself to the church year.  But honestly, I don't know that I'm up for that this year - for the aching that comes in these four weeks, waiting again for the coming of a Savior.

So I thought about how I could do it differently.  Could I skip the candles?  Is there a way to make this less of an achingly painful journey of waiting and more of a joyful expectation?  Could I just ignore it all together and show up on Christmas Day, and welcome a Savior?

Out of curiosity I clicked through here, to a site I bookmarked in one of the last several years, to see what candle is the first for Advent.

And the part of me that has fallen in love with a God who has a very ironic sense of humor in our conversations started laughing.

Hope.

The candle for today is Hope.

Hope followed by love, joy and peace.

Those don't so much sound like achingly painful concepts.  Maybe the opposite, actually.

And here's the thing - I'm on this journey of recognizing some twisted concepts in how I relate to God.  Like, for example, the idea that the only true moments of encounter with God are intense, scary, and painful.  The Advent season, for example, perhaps doesn't have to be marked solely by pain.

And that, that is a thought I needed to have whispered to me this year.

I don't know yet how I'll mark this Advent season.  For the last year, the Christ candle from my previous wreath has sat on my dresser, waiting, only being lit occasionally through the months. 

Tonight, though, if only for one week, I'll probably light a candle.  The space I live in could use the light of hope today.

And I'm pondering this.  Having a "Jesse Tree" this year.  (Though in my odd living reality, it will probably be not so much a tree as a string, hung across my map of the world and wall of happy memories.)

And who knows?  Maybe an Advent wreath will make an appearance.  Because hope, love, joy and peace are concepts I'm wanting a little more of in my life these days.  Because God is a God of those things, and meeting Him can be filled with those, instead of with fear, intensity, and pained exhaustion.

So, Come Lord Jesus.  Come and bring hope this day.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 104

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in
2. waking without the terror and weight that some mornings bring
3. having one of dad's favorite apple streudels for breakfast this morning
4. a winter day sunny enough to require sunglasses
5. reading on the bus (I read another fabulous book about autism - Dancing With Max - more thoughts to come)
6. a Kit Kat bar
7. cute kids on the bus
8. being referred to last night by a long time friend addressing her daughter as "Auntie Lisa" - I love that I get to be Auntie Lisa
9. a stop at the farmer's market
10. the little sausage shop having my favorite sausage in stock for the first time in weeks (I don't actually like much sausage, but this little shop at the farmers market sells a turkey mango sausage that is so good when it's grilled with potatoes)
11. Google maps on my iphone and the transit directions it provides, making my ability to get to various places around the city so much easier
12. laughter
13. making friends through blogging - how fun is that?  that I'm "meeting" people all over the world because five years ago I started writing in this place
14. green beans (steamed, with butter and sweet chili sauce)
15. coconut scented bubble bath from The Body Shop
16. actually feeling relaxed and trouble free for a few hours instead of tense, scared, exhausted
17. green grapes
18. dad treating me to an old fashioned plain donut
19. magic bags
20. escapist television

Unlocked

A couple of weeks ago, on one of my last daily bus loops to read and pray before starting my job, I went with a book that was supposed to be "lighter fare" than what I'd been reading for the previous couple of weeks.  A novel.  I read fiction rarely, for a whole variety of reasons best not discussed in this post, but that day I had one that I figured would be a fit for my whole list of qualifications and I set off to read it.

The book was "Unlocked" by Karen Kingsbury.  It was an "easy read" that took me a little less that the three hour bus loop to finish it, but I definitely fought tears at several points throughout the story.  I'd picked it up because it was a story about an autistic boy, and the way music reached him, and that fascinated me.  I'm always fascinated by the way the mind works, and issues of mental health, but I had ulterior motives too.  A friend of a friend that I pray for has a child that's severely autistic and I was curious to understand more fully what that might look like.  And, someone challenging that I deal with on a regular basis is at the mild end of the autistic spectrum, and I was hoping to gain insight that would make interaction with that person a bit easier.

What I wasn't expecting was that God would speak to my heart deeply and move me to pray for both of those situations, and for others as I read.  It was that, that moving of my heart in an unexpected place as I rode the bus that day that drew tears as much as the moving story itself. Looking back, I'm so grateful I read this book.  I'm grateful for the insight into the challenges of parenting an autistic child that it gave to me.  I'm thankful for the conversation it opened with another friend, that led to another book suggestion on autism (one I plan to start reading on a bus loop journey today, actually).  But mostly I'm so thankful for the reminder that God will meet my heart in the most unexpected of places and use the most unexpected of tools.  That a deep drawing of my heart to prayer doesn't have to carry the intensity and pain and fear that I had been deceived into believing it must for the last several years.  But that instead, in the most ordinary of places, on a city bus, my heart can be overwhelmed with peace, with expectation, with love that carries a crying out to God for the things he is placing in my heart.  That it can be the most natural and simple of things.  And that because it is natural, it will stay with me.  I've paused over and over again  in the following weeks to pray for those people and situations, simply because a story engraved them on my heart in the language that God uses to speak to me, in the voice I recognize as the one he uses for me.  And that, my friends is a gift.  To have a request be a passion, spoken from love, and not a burden that weighs down and exhausts.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 103

Today's Daily 5:
(an introduction to the Daily 5 can be found here)

1. Waking to email from friends
2. blog comments
3. catching the bus I wanted this morning, making the commute smoother
4. waking and realizing that the promise of a weekend is only hours away
5. dinner with a friend, even though it was unexpectedly cut short
6. popcorn
7. a new water bottle
8. watching a movie with family
9. neck pillow
10. sort of escaping my crazy living arrangements for the weekend.

Friday!

Since I was out of work for quite a while, it's been a long time since Fridays brought welcome relief.

But, this week, after putting in a very full and crazy week, and dealing with the continuing aftermath of all kinds of crazy family and personal stuff, I'm SO ready for a weekend.

Especially since this weekend is a rare one that is incredibly low key, with very few appointments or formal plans.

My one big goal for Saturday is to hop on the bus and take the three hour loop I was taking almost daily before starting work, and have some quiet down time to read and think and pray.  (What does it say about my living situation that riding the bus for three hours is the safest and most peaceful place to get in some downtime for quiet and reading?)

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend and her daughter, but low key, order in pizza sort of dinner at her house.  Tomorrow I might be seeing a movie with my mom and aunt.  Sunday afternoon I'm spending a couple hours at a paint your own pottery place with a friend.  The only other thing on the schedule is to hopefully make a trip to my favorite farmer's market (indoors of course!) to pick up some fruit and things to keep me fed for breakfasts and lunches through next week.

And that's all folks!  Quiet is the name of the game.  Low key.  Resting and praying and recuperating.  (At least that's the plan... )

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 102

Today's Daily 5 (the American Thanksgiving Edition!):

1. Having a Chinook (terrible for headaches, but great for weather in the winter.  35 C change in temperature overnight)
2. Not having to wear multiple layers of clothing over my entire body to be outside
3. Having the strength to get out of bed on the hard mornings
4. my iphone
5. Cute and cozy boots
6. wearing jeans at work
7. an encouraging conversation with sympathetic friends yesterday
8. "First, he loves me, second, he loves me, third, he loves me..."
9. A job I'm really enjoying, that, to top it off, is indoors (can't imagine having outdoor work in the winter here)
10. A roof over my head at night, however dubious my ridiculous living situation
11. sweet friends who offer love and care and prayers
12. coworkers I enjoy
13. email - what a blessing to be able to instantly keep in touch with friends so very far away
14. Skype - ditto to email, but with voices and sometimes even video!
15. a smooth move of offices to the building across the street today
16. having lunch provided today
17. chocolate
18. wise counsel from trusted friends and family
19. an inspiring conversation this afternoon about living out God's calling on our lives with one of the volunteers who works with the agency I'm working for this month
20. ease of access to necessary services like banking and medical care
21. speaking the dominant language of the society in which I live fluently.  I spend all day right now talking on the phone with immigrants who are struggling with English, and I think it's such a blessing to be able to freely communicate
22. being in full possession of my mental faculties (again, some of the people I encounter at work these days, not so much, and I feel for them)
23. starbucks caramel apple spice and cranberry bliss bar (those bars are TASTY)
24. Subway for supper
25. a smaller group at house church that made for really good, honest discussion,
26. shifting dynamics at house church that remind me that God is moving amongst us
27. closing the evening by simply sharing honestly and praying a bit for each other
28. the promise of a weekend retreating a bit, staying at mom and dad's for a break
29. a new glass water bottle, with a silicone sleeve, to help prevent breakage
30. finishing up an audio book (Kabul Beauty School) that was a fascinating "read" (gotta love unabridged, well read audio books)

Thanksgiving

When I woke this morning, I was feeling pretty dejected.  It wasn't the greatest night for restful sleep (though I did sleep, so hard that I forgot to take my glasses off, and woke with them still on this morning.)  And some of the more challenging realities of life right now remain most present in the late night and early morning hours when I am laying, alone, in the dark and quiet, and not filling time and space with distractions.

And then I remembered that today is Thanksgiving in the United States.

One of the bonuses of having dual citizenship is that I get my pick of holidays from two different countries (not as formal days off, but as things to celebrate and acknowledge), and it's rather nice to celebrate Thanksgiving not once, but twice.  And, the best part is, I don't even care about the meal.  Turkey and pumpkin pie don't do a lot for me, so I just get to celebrate the happy internal part, without the feast that leaves you feeling overfull and sick for the next two days!

And that's what I'm doing today.  Pausing to give thanks.  To think, as I move through my day, about the things I'm grateful for, and focus on those instead of on all the challenges of life right now.  My goal is to have a nice long daily 5 list at the end of the night tonight of all the things that come to mind today for which to give thanks.

So, today I'm virtually waving "hello" to my American friends and family, and wishing you a very Happy Thanksgiving.  I'd give each of you a hug if I was nearby.  May you know rich blessings of joy and peace and grace today, and have many, many things for which to give thanks.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 101

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finishing work early, even if it was only because I arrived two hours earlier than usual
2. organic fruit
3. as a team, pulling off a very important meeting successfully
4. solving scheduling woes
5. having a place at mom and dad's to escape to, even temporarily
6. the generosity of friends and family offering rides to make errands and getting to and from appointments easier in the midst of this crazy deep freeze.
7. chatting on skype with a dear friend currently located on the other side of the world in a climate I'm totally jealous of (one where palm trees grow outdoors)
8. tea and candles
9. finishing a nagging little repair job task on a pillow that I use all the time
10. spending the evening playing a game on my laptop, and listening to a fascinating audio book

No More Tolerance

When I started using the reading plans on my Iphone's Bible app, it was because I was trying to re-introduce some sort of regularity and discipline to my time in scripture.  I wanted to be able to say at the end of the day that I was regularly reading scripture, because that's what "good christians" do.


I didn't expect those couple of chapters a day to become a fixture of the way I start my morning, usually on public transit, and honestly, though I know it's God's word, I really wasn't expecting God to speak.  But He does.  Almost every morning, if I'm willing to listen.


Yesterday I read this:


2 Corinthians 11:20 (The Message)

"You have such admirable tolerance for impostors who rob your freedom, rip you off, steal you blind, put you down—even slap your face!"

And I'm thinking about how this year of deconstruction has been teaching me about impostors.  About the people and things, (spiritual or physical) that rob my freedom, my peace and my joy.


I think I'm learning that I have a say in this whole process.  That, as Paul was reminding the Corinthians, sometimes I tolerate those impostors - the lies that come to steal, kill and destroy.  I give them free reign to hurt me, to slap my face.

I've spent a lot of time this year working at recovering.  It's seemed that every time I've begun to pick up the pieces, another part of my life has shattered.  The deconstruction has continued and continues.  Two more blows have come this last week.  And there are more pieces to sort out, and either discard or piece together again.  And the pieces that have shattered carry with them the certainty of more shattering to come.  Not possibility, but certainty.

But, I do get to choose whether or not I'm going to tolerate the impostors.  The lies that come in force with each moment of shattering.  I'm learning that I've tolerated far too much.  Sometimes, now, the recovery comes more quickly.  I'm thankful to have found myself amidst a group of friends who I can count on to speak truth, and point out the impostors when I can't see them.  Friends who speak directly, and with much love, telling me which things are lies.

So, going forward, the goal is no more tolerance.  No more letting the impostors hang out and steal my freedom.  That's the goal anyway.  And I pray in the midst of less tolerance, I will slowly collect the old pieces and find new ones.  That healing and life and wholeness will come in ways I can only long for and imagine.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 100

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 100 days of writing these lists
2. Surviving a day in the place that was the coldest in North America today, and allegedly the second coldest in world
3. The moments that aren't marked by numbness or avoidance, but simply the acknowledgment that reality is ever-shifting, and even in the midst of the insanity, there can be peace
4. continuing to receive daily prayer emails for countries around the world
5. lighting candles around my bedroom

Cold

Winter has arrived in force, regardless of those who like to remind me that its official start date is still a month away.

It is -30 C this morning. Not even the blue sidewalk deicing salt that normally turns snow and ice to mush was doing its job this morning. Heaters on the bus are trying valiantly and failing to sufficiently warm the "inside" air.

I was not made for this climate. For wearing dozens of layers of clothing, and having to walk semi blind since one can't cover sensitive facial skin and still wear glasses, as one's own breath will fog them into blindness.

I miss the palm trees today!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 99

Today's Daily 5:

1. Having a job to distract me from some of the challenging things in my life right now
2. little text messages and emails through the day from a traveling friend
3. the reminders of Sidney and Norman. "first, he loves me.  second, he loves me.  third, he loves me."
4. unexpectedly making plans to have dinner with a very good friend
5. laughter over dinner with a friend.  particularly enjoying the sort of sick and twisted humor over the darker moments that can't be shared with anyone.  it's good to have a friend to share that with.
6. "F*** You isn't exactly a prayer that is sanctioned anywhere in the Bible."  You kind of had to be there to appreciate the laughter over that particular statement, but oh, I laughed as my friend shared honestly with me.
7. Reading a blog post and smiling at this quote from Sleepless in Seattle that it contained.  It seemed appropriate today: "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out..." 
8. choosing again and again to trust
9. green grapes
10. a ride home, and sleeping in my own bed

Blow after Blow

This last week has held another couple major blows in life.

I'm feeling pretty beat up as I lay here, getting ready to get out of bed.

I'm confused and hurting and oh so tired from nights in a row of restless rest.

So, this morning as I work to get myself up, I'm thinking about the kids book I wrote about here.

About this line from near the beginning, "Sidney felt broken.  And some days that made it hard to get up in the morning.  Some days, in fact, Sidney couldn't get up at all."

And these lines from near the end: 

As for Sidney, he still had his share of messes, though not as many as before.  And there were still a few days when he wasn't quite sure he could get up in the morning.  But if you stood outside his window on one of those days, this is what you'd hear:

"First of all, he loves me.  Secondly, he loves me.  And thirdly - He loves me."  

And that was all it took.

 
And as I lay here, feeling physically ill from the emotions and exhaustion exacerbated by the latest blow, I'm talking to myself, repeating as a mantra, "first, he loves me.  secondly, he loves me.  thirdly, he loves me."  Over and over again until my heart can again absorb the truth my head is trying to communicate to it.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 98

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping late
2. Lazy morning
3. coffee this afternoon with a friend
4. shoveling snow - not an all time favorite activity, but one that helped today
5. letting tears fall
6. mugs of tea
7. mini almond joy bars
8. praying friends

Live/Write

I came across this blog post by Rachel Held Evans late last night.

Quite the title - striving to live the way we strive to write.

These are the lines that struck me:

forgiving myself for crappy first drafts,
allowing trusted experts to make edits,
running into my fears rather than running away from them,
counting goof-ups as  “material,”
making art out of imperfection

All points that I'll need to spend some time considering.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 97

I had planned to write a post of one sort or another today, but between an appointment, exhaustion, the weather, and doing errands, it didn't happen.  So.  A daily 5 is all it will be today.

Today's Daily 5:

1.  Starting the day with a long shower
2. sleeping late
3. watching some of my favorite television shows online
4. smiling when I spotted "leftover" snow angels on someone's lawn
5. the sun finally peeking out (even if sunny days at this time of year actually tend to be colder!)
6. a good appointment
7. brownies
8. a plum
9. the smell of clean laundry
10. buying boots that should work for winter footwear
11. the smell of all-protector spray on new shoes
12. comfort food for supper
13. mindless television
14. being wrapped up in a thick blanket
15. a big glass of water

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 96

Today's Daily 5:

1. looking at photos from the travels of friends
2. waking to find an email from L. in the UK waiting for me
3. people who actually take the time to shovel their sidewalks
4. a bus driver who actually cranked the heat
5. laughter with coworkers
6. Korean BBQ for dinner with my friend J
7. peanut M & M's
8. watching the movie "Morning Glory" and laughing hard throughout.

Let it Drive You to God

2 Corinthians 7:9-11 (The Message)

"Now I’m glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart."

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 95

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 95 days of making these lists
2. A mug of tea
3. Making fun plans with friends for the weekend
4. surviving another snowy commute (this one more complicated and slower)
5. requesting a new book to review from booksneeze
6. pausing for a few minutes to eat lunch and just breathe a little
7. Spending my day making phone calls for work that made people incredibly happy.  I get paid to be the person who tells people that they are going to have gifts to give their children for Christmas this year.  It's maybe the best job ever, because everyone I speak with is incredibly thankful, and today I got to hear some incredible stories, too, about how we're meeting a neeed.
8. Subway for supper
9. a day where painkillers actually worked, and I was much more functional than I thought I'd be
10. wearing a scarf (today's was from Nepal)
11. good discussions at house church tonight
12. praying together with friends.

Tired and Achy

Yesterday was a challenging day.

And last night was pretty rough.

I pretty much feel like crying.

The injuries from my car accidents that get exacerbated when I'm exhausted and emotionally drained are all sore.

And there is snow.  Everywhere.  In quantities that just won't stop.

So, I'm just going to do my best to put one foot in front of the other today.  Paste on a smile and fake it til I make it real, I think.

I can do this.  Once minute, one breath at a time.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 94

Today's Daily 5:

1. Having keys to the building at work, and being able to let myself in, instead of having to beg someone to let me in the way I did the first two days.
2. settling in at my desk for the month, and sipping a mug of pomegranate green tea
3. A smooth bus commute - the bus was sliding all over the icy roads this morning, so it was relieving to get there safely.
4. Blogging/writing via my iphone while on the bus
5. Wearing jeans at work
6. Scarf season - today's was from Kenya (Monday was Morocco, Tuesday was California, tomorrow will be Nepal)
7. wearing a bracelet I like, but rarely wear
8. hemp lip balm from the body shop
9. yoga, and the irony, after some challenging moments today, of listening to the video teacher talk about letting all the problems of the day drain away
10. feeling like my job is something that has a purpose, and isn't self-serving
11. playing games online
12. listening to a large chunk of a fascinating audio book while playing a game online
13. sipping a couple mugs of tea while I puttered
14. a hug from mom
15. a phone call from a dear friend, reminding me that I am loved
16. digging into some of the few remaining Almond Joy bars in the stash I brought home from California
17. chocolate in general was a blessing tonight
18. finding reasons to laugh
19. 2 Corinthians 5, in The Message
20. re-reading "Sidney and Norman: A Tale of Two Pigs"  "First, I love you.  Second, I love you.  Third, I love you."

Maybe it's Just a Season

I feel like I've been writing boring things here.

Quizzes, links, that sort of thing.

Very little personal narrative.

It's because I'm feeling a bit wordless these days.

I write in a number of forums, both public and private, and I just kind of feel wordless.

Not exactly numb, but lacking words that fit around the spaces my body and soul are occupying.

And so I'm posting "boring" things.

I'm thinking a lot about Anne Jackson's book and website "Permission to Speak Freely" these days.  About how that question, "What's one thing you can't say in church?" and Anne's story impacted me when I read it in early September.  Partly because I've walked some of her story.  The addiction pieces, the mental health pieces, the pastor's kid pieces - all of these are things I'm rather intimately familiar with.

Last night I jotted my own answer to that question on a slip of paper.  I may even drop it in the mail.

But in the meantime, the process of journeying through that is leaving me feeling at a loss for words.

So I write "fluffy" posts with quizzes and links.  Nothing I think might stir controversy, because I don't have the mental energy to separate criticism of my position from criticism of me right now.  I started writing a post in my head that I thought might generate discussion, and stopped, because I wondered if it would stir controversy I'd rather not wade through right now.  Fluffy posts, and daily 5 lists.  Lists that are sometimes a desperate grab for sanity, and sometimes just a genuine reflection of things in my day that brightened it, brought smiles and laughter, and gratefulness.

I think it's probably just a season, this wordlessness.  I pray so at least.  I'll be back.  And in the meantime, pardon the fluffy.  It's all I have energy for most days.

Go pick up Anne Jackson's book in the meantime.  You won't regret the read.

Praying through nations

On the weekend I wrote this post.

Three days in, I'm appreciating the exercise in pausing for a few minutes a day to read about a nation and watch the prayer video that's provided.

So far I've prayed for Afghanistan, Austria, and Bosnia.  And I've learned a little something about each.

It's helpful to me, right now, when I'm dreaming of traveling to the nations, to feed that hunger a little by stopping for five minutes or so a day to pray.  It encourages the dreaming, and makes me pause to stop and think about those places, to take notice of them in the news.  To think about people I know with connections there.  (For example, I'm listening to a fascinating audiobook right now about Afghanistan, and a long time friend did mission work many years ago in both Austria and Bosnia.)

And so, I pause, and pray.  Especially when I can attach a face and a ministry.  I pray for those connections, that they will grow.  And I dream of perhaps walking in those places one day.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 93

Today's Daily 5:

1. A long hot shower
2. a treatment appointment tonight that helped with my sore neck
3. a good 2nd day of work
4. good news on facebook - things like the fact that a relative who is quitting smoking has made it a full year without a cigarette
5. sipping a big mug of passion tea (the old version, not the new one that starbucks sells, that doesn't taste at all good anymore.  I still buy the old version at a local grocery store.)
6. having an iphone
7. my US social security card arrived today.  good timing, hope for some future plans came in the mail with that card.
8. being able to wear jeans to my new job, on a day that isn't a Friday.
9. laughing over funny moments that remind me that God has a sense of humor.  Things like waking to a terrible snow storm this morning, and thinking longingly of palm trees that grow outside, and then looking up from the blog post I was writing (via my iphone) on the bus, and seeing a life-size papier mache palm tree, and a smaller one besides, sitting in full glory in the back of a pickup truck bed!
10. escapist television while catching up on some online work

Snow

This was the view from my front door this morning.

Snow.

I'm sitting on the bus and watching as it slides sideways every time it brakes.

And I'm realizing that my first order of business in the next couple of days will need to be the purchase of a pair of winter boots. Last year's pair finally gave up, with holes in both soles that made for cold wet feet. And facing a winter of commuting on foot and by bus without boots doesn't seem plausible. So, boot shopping it will be.

At least it's a genuine excuse to buy shoes!

My Strength: Letting Hope Exist

I read this post the other day, on a blog I regularly read, and the last little bit struck me:

I think depriving myself of hope was the wrong idea too. I was trying to protect myself. Trying to save myself the hurt of another failed cycle.

But it’s not me.

And so, I am going to let myself hope. I am going to let myself believe in that pinch I felt today. Starting tomorrow, I am going to have faith when I pee on those sticks. I am going to lay my hands on my stomach and speak to those ice babies of mine. I am going to open my heart up to them, and let myself love them. Even before I know if they are real or not.

Knowing that the more I let myself hope, the more I could be setting myself up for hurt.

But that God will be my strength.

I am going to trust in God to be my strength, because clearly I don’t have it in me to do alone.

Clearly I’m not strong enough on my own.

God is my strength.

And we've got this. 

It was challenging to read this.  I've been realizing that there have been things where I haven't wanted to hope.  That I haven't wanted to admit that I long for.  Where I haven't wanted to trust that if they didn't go the way I long for deep within me, that I would still be okay.

God's been reminding me to long for things again.  To trust him even with the things I want so badly, I'd rather admit I don't want them, for fear of the pain if they don't happen. 

I  started to realize that I needed to be willing to trust, even with this, the last few weeks as I rode the bus every day, reading, thinking and praying.  That funny little routine began to dawn on me about a week in as I slowly noticed just which route I'd chosen.  The places the route circles through include at least four connected to things I'm dreaming about.  And I sat and prayed and began to allow myself to really long for those dreams.  To not downplay them the way I'd been doing.

And so, I'm letting hope exist.  And reminding myself again that God is my strength.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 92

Today's Daily 5:

1. A good first day
2. knowing a supernatural peace
3. leftover pizza
4. a big mug of tea
5. getting some writing done

Working Again

I started a new job today.

It's a temporary gig, working full time for the next month, coordinating a Christmas project at a local organization that works with Calgary's homeless population.

I think it'll be a crazy month, but I'm looking forward to it!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 91

Today's Daily 5:

1. Waking to discover that a friend had returned from holidays and tagged me in one of her facebook photos.  The photo?  A palm tree, growing outside.  It's fun to have friends that know the quirky little stuff and think of you!
2. Waking and realizing it was one of the rare nights that held several straight hours of sleep without any dreams
3. Enjoying my last morning of lazing in bed for a while
4. accomplishing some necessary errands
5. Cinnamon chocolate mousse from the farmer's market
6. a long hot shower
7. a treatment from mom
8. skype with a dear friend
9. taking an unplanned long walk to get some exercise (and pick up some dinner, and make my way home)
10. green grapes
11. Hawaiian pizza
12. a big mug of Tazo Passion Tea (the old version, not the new whole leaf version)
13. catching up on blog reading and feeling inspired.
14. yoga
15. realizing I'm surrounded by people who love me - both near and far away.

Musical meme

Renee tagged me on facebook for the 15 songs musical meme.

Truth is, I always feel funny doing these.  I pick music based on lyrics.  I'm slightly tone deaf.  I love music, but mostly I listen to worship stuff when I actually turn music on.  I have a tendency to listen to speeches, sermons and audiobooks when I turn on something in itunes or on the bus on my ipod.  But here's my list anyway.

Rules are as follows:
you know the drill - music on shuffle, list the first 15 songs that show up, no cheating (please).

(Okay, so I skipped adding a couple of sermon/speech/audio book tracks that popped up, because, like I said, I have a large collection of that kind of stuff in my itunes library.)

1. Your Presence (Bethel Live: Here is Love)
2. Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley: Grace)
3. Soon I Will Be Done With the Troubles of the World (David Crowder Band: A Collision)
4. Shaken Up (Delirious: Cutting Edge)
5. Let me Love you More (Misty Edwards: Unplugged)
6. If I Could (Jack Johnson: In Between Dreams)
7. Welcome to our World (Chris Rice: Deep Enough to Dream)
8. Sleeping In (The Postal Service: from a mix CD my brother made for me)
9. White Horse (Taylor Swift: Fearless)
10. Gone (U2: The Best of 1990-2000)
11. Wanted (Andrew Osenga: Letters to the Editor, Vol. 1)
12. Great is Thy Faithfulness (Buller, Balzer & Aichele: The Hymn Project)
13. Out of Reach (Matthew Perryman Jones: Noisemakers Sampler)
14. Awesome God (Rich Mullins: Songs)
15. Run to Me (Paul Brandt: This Time Around)

Tag, you're it!  Leave your list in the comments, or a link to the list you post on your own blog.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 90

Today's Daily 5:

1. One year, 90 days of making these lists
2. trying a new bus route to make it to an appointment this morning - it's a little act of bravery, but one that I'm proud of.  new things that can't be predicted precisely tend to intimidate me.  this experiment in that worked out well
3. sunshine
4. a massage
5. sipping a glass of water after the massage
6. cake and icing
7. marking things off of a to do list (including a few nagging items)
8. yoga
9. sipping passion tea in my pajamas
10. chatting briefly with a friend

Join the Movement

I was just at the Operation World website, because I'd heard that they'd released an updated version of the book full of information on praying for the nations.  I was busy looking at information on a particular country, when I noticed a link that said "Join the Prayer Movement".

I clicked.

I'm totally excited about this concept.  For the next sixty days, starting tomorrow, I'll get an email each day about a country in the world, and some information on how to pray for it.  I get excited about anything that helps me to pause and pray specifically for a place, or a person.  I'm one of those people who definitely likes to have details as they pray, and this seems like a great way to pray for the nations - something I'm always passionate about.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 89

Today's Daily 5:

1. A toasted bagel with butter
2. sipping a big mug of tea
3. magic bags
4. an unexpected phone call from a friend, reminding me I am loved
5. hearing a friend's voice
6. spending the morning watching two of my favorite television shows online
7. eating leftover Chinese food for lunch
8. resting quietly
9. getting a much needed haircut
10. eating cake and icing
11. emails that inspired much snarky laughter
12. red licorice
13. attending a classical piano concert with my brother T.

The House Oracle

It's been a while since I posted any quiz results, and these made me smile, even if they really weren't all that accurate.  I'm definitely primarily an introvert, but some of the other things are very true of me.

You Are Both an Introvert and an Extrovert

You are a mysterious person. Even your closest friends may feel like they don't know you very well. You like to weigh all of your options before making a decision. You are apt to look for a compromise. You are responsible and determined to do the right thing. There is often a lot on your plate, but you handle it all well. You rely on yourself first and foremost. You know that you won't ever let yourself down.

The House Oracle

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Remember

I got a rather nasty anonymous comment tonight on the Remembrance Day post I wrote this morning.

But, there was some truth in the words of the comment that caused me to re-think, and pull the post.

Mostly because I think the things I initially talked about take away from the sentiment that I really wanted to express.

That sentiment is this:

I'm definitely a person with pacifist leanings, but I'm so incredibly grateful for those who serve in the armed forces of both of the countries in which I hold citizenship.  I'm thankful for all of those who gave their lives and served (and serve!) their countries, in order that I can have the freedom to live out a lifestyle that prefers a pacifist approach.

I'm proud to be both Canadian and American on days like today.  Proud to be from two countries that both exemplify freedom of religion and expression.

And it's important to me to stop and remember the fallen and carry the torch of freedom.

Thank you - to those in my family who have served in the armed forces, and to all of those who are members of someone else's family.

Thank you for sacrificing yourselves for my freedom.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 88

Today's Daily 5:

1. Waking slowly
2. laughing and rolling my eyes at some online antics I've been following
3. making a list for the day
4. a long shower
5. coupons
6. placing a Curly Girl Designs order
7. pomegranate green tea
8. the anticipation of knowing that tomorrow I will watch the latest episodes Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice online
9. hemp lip balm and aloe protective serum from The Body Shop
10. wearing a cozy hoody
11. "Christians can be sarcastic"
12. driving to an errand (getting behind the wheel of a car without freaking out is still a huge victory, every time)
13. a sale at Ikea on the tea lights I use by the basketful
14. Action songs at house church 
15. being with friends at house church

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 87

Today's Daily 5:

1. ducking into a downtown coffee shop to escape the cold and for green tea and a scone when I was early for an appointment and had a few minutes to kill
2. a cozy scarf on a cold morning
3. laughing with a fellow passenger on the bus
4. getting a manicure and pedicure, and not having to pay thanks to a groupon purchase earlier in the year
5. getting a call about a cancellation, allowing me to schedule a badly needed massage two weeks earlier than planned
6. sitting in the massage chair at the nail salon, while my fingernails and toenails dried and getting some relief for some badly tightened and aching muscles
7. passion tea lemonade
8. Chinese take-out for supper - I love me some Chinese pork dumplings.
9. reading a whole book on the bus this afternoon
10. taking a bubble bath and treating myself to a novel
11. working a bit on a hobby of sorts
12. watching food network
13. fortune cookies - dang those things are good.  I need to see if I can buy a box of them at the grocery store

31

My parents are celebrating their 31st anniversary today.

31 years ago today there was apparently a bit of a blizzard, and they got married in a church in Oshkosh. For many of my mom's family, including my grandma, it was the first time they ever set foot in a non-catholic church. In fact, my grandma was so distressed by the fact that the church wasn't Catholic, that she refused to have her photo taken in the church.

There have been some rough years in my relationship with my parents, but today I want to stop and say how grateful I am for what I recognize as an increasingly endangered species - parents that are still married to each other and still in love after 31 years. I have no idea if I'll ever marry, but I'm grateful for the legacy of love and commitment through good and bad times that my parents have modeled.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Why I Like November

To be honest, I'm not actually sure that I can say I like the month of November.

But there are some things about it that are very, very likeable.

Things like the fact that someone, somewhere declared it some sort of blogging month, and a number of blogs that I greatly enjoy suddenly come alive with daily posts.  Insights into the lives of friends and strangers abound, and I enjoy the influx of thoughts and words.

Things like starting it off with an anniversary of healing.  An anniversary that almost always carries relief, since the weeks leading up to it seem to be brutally hard and dark and miserable every single year.

In a good November, there is still some warm weather.  I contemplated wearing flip-flops the other day.

This November has little things like manicure/pedicure and haircut appointments.  (And being thankful for a groupon purchased early in the summer for the mani/pedi, making it a scheduled treat I don't have to worry about paying for.)

It's had productive days.

And days for lazily sitting on the couch with hours and hours of escapist television.

Moments of laughter and tears.

Yes, it's a month that generally brings the onslaught of the much dreaded winter, but November has lovely things, too.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 86

Today's Daily 5:

1. freshly washed sheets on my bed
2. using my iPhone
3. google reader that makes blog reading so much easier to keep up with
4. books and people that open my eyes so much more broadly to the world
5. blue skies even when it's cold out
6. toast with jam
7. blog comments
8. roasted potatoes
9. trying a new cookie recipe
10. feeding my creative side a bit

The Happiness Project

Last week one of the books I finished reading on my multiple bus trips was Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun."  With a title and subtitle like that, how could I not love it?

Actually, I really did enjoy Rubin's book.

I liked the ideas it gave me about being happier.

But mostly, I liked these two things:  the first of her "twelve commandments" - "Be Gretchen."

And this, one of Rubin's "Secrets of Adulthood" - "What's fun for other people may not be fun for you - and vice versa."

I need those reminders to be myself.

And particularly I needed to hear that it's okay to be me, even when me doesn't seem to be in sync with the rest of the world around me.

I needed that reminder that it's okay that I really don't like some of the things it seems like everyone around me loves.

After finishing the book, I'm reminded to keep making choices that inspire happiness.  To keep making daily 5 lists.  To try new things.  To do the things I really love.  To notice all the little things that bring a smile or laughter to my day.

And sometimes, even when I don't love things, to do them because people around me do love them, and their happiness helps make me happy too.

Tomorrow Thoughts

I'm sitting here, staring at the remnants of today's "to do" list and pondering what I would like tomorrow to hold.

Tomorrow will hopefully hold these things:

• another loop on the bus, riding, reading, thinking, praying
• baking cookies.  I have a recipe for cookies with banana and pecans and chocolate chunks that I've been waiting to try
• if it's chilly and cold again, it might hold a bubble bath - soaking and warming up while reading
• writing a birthday card for a friend, and popping it in the mail so that it hopefully arrives overseas on time
• catching up on some blog posting and scheduling I've been planning.
• making some notes on one of the books I read last week
• cooking dinner - at least that's the currently scheduled plan.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 85

Today's Daily 5:

1. A very productive morning
2. getting a few good deals on snacks and treats at the grocery store
3. trading snarky comments and laughing with a friend
4. mugs of rooibos tea (two different mugs of it today)
5. a quiet evening, mostly resting

Authentic Not Just in the Past Tense

I started reading Alece's blog sometime early in the year.  I can't remember how I found her, but I can tell you why I kept going back.  She writes with a great honesty about being broken.  A deep honesty and questioning that still reflects a trust in God, even when He can't seem to be found.  There have been days where simply reading Alece's words have encouraged me to keep walking out my own crazy, messy journey.

Last week, another blogger hosted "Ladies Week" and shared videos of a number of female bloggers sharing their stories of brokenness and meeting God somewhere in the midst of that.  I found "Ladies Week" because Alece wrote a post that linked to it, and to a video of herself sharing her story.

This video, actually:



I cannot begin to explain how deeply this encouraged me when I saw it first, and how I've watched it several times since and been encouraged each time. 

Sometimes as I share what's gone on and is going on in my life with people around me, I struggle.  It's pretty messy, this year of deconstruction and working again towards healing.  It's not even a new journey.  I've done this whole "need to piece large chunks of my life back together" journey before, and I haven't been all that impressed to be walking it out again.

But the reminder that sometimes we need to be authentic in the midst of the crap, not just afterwards, was one I needed to hear again.  To be authentic in more than just the "past tense."  I needed to hear someone else who understands what it is to walk out brokenness (though our stories are so different) share how sometimes the "grit" of life is the thing God uses most powerfully to minister to someone else.  I needed the reminder to find people with whom I can be really and truly authentic - who I can trust with what's going on in me, and trust to pray and walk with me in the hard stuff and not just the stuff that looks pretty.

I needed the encouragement of Alece's story, and I hope it encourages each of you as well.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 84

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sunday morning reading and praying on the bus
2. stopping at the farmer's market for mini ham and cheese croissants
3. encountering Jesus deeply in an unexpected place/moment
4. laughter
5. watching escapist television
6. sipping tea and lighting candles in my own living space

A Review of The Least Among You

The Least Among You tells the story of Richard Kelly, a young black man arrested during the 1965 Watts riots, who is serving probation by attending an all white seminary.  The story chronicles his journey of adapting to life in the seminary.  Kelly never wanted to attend seminary, and didn’t know what he believed about God.  He certainly hadn’t bargained for an all white seminary that was opposed to the idea of integration.  The plot ultimately centers around his need to decide whether violence or peace, truth or lies are the best answer to the challenges he faces.

To be honest, I didn’t like the movie.  It was dark – not just in theme, but in the way it was shot.  Every scene was dim and grey.  The story was not the most compelling of racial integration stories, and moved almost painfully slowly.  But most confusingly, it suffered from loose ends and unexplained details.  A topic was introduced, and then not followed through.  I was left with questions – what happened to Richard’s mother?  What about the drug money?  Why was it important to know that the president of the seminary had lost a son and had a wife who was severely depressed.  The filmmakers of The Least Among You had the chance to tell a compelling story that all those who have experienced that moment of questioning God’s calling and action could relate to.  Unfortunately, their story was lost in a myriad of rabbit trails and suffered from mediocre execution of the storytelling.

note: The Least Among You was provided to me as a free review copy from booksneeze.com.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 83

Today's Daily 5:

1. Managing to eat breakfast (and mostly enjoying it, even if it was small!) before an appointment this morning
2. Listening to Brian & Jenn Johnson and Jesus Culture while I was taking the bus to a few different appointments and errands today
3. Sunshine
4. A cozy toque
5. The anticipation of treating myself
6. An appointment that went well
7. Fall colors remaining in the flowerbeds
8. Hearing the marching band at the school across the street practice (the drums were kind of fun to hear)
9. Subway for lunch and satisfying a craving
10. Being surprised with Chinese take-out for supper
11. fortune cookies - I love those things!

He Loves Me

Yesterday, this book arrived in the mail:

A dear friend had highly recommended it, and I was delighted when it arrived and immediately sat down to read it.

I didn't expect how deeply it would impact me.

I might need to read this one nightly for a while.

The story is about two pigs who get an invitation from God.

Norman was the sort of pig who had it all together.  He was on time for everything, did well in school, excelled at work, and generally looked good.  And Norman knew it.  He was pretty confident that God, like everyone else, was very pleased with him.

Sidney was not so together.  He had trouble with deadlines, didn't succeed all that often, was rumpled, out of place, and perpetually running late.  And he knew it too.  Sidney was frustrated with himself, and was pretty sure God was frustrated with him too.

I'm a little bit like Norman, and a whole lot like Sidney.  I put up a good front, and, to be honest, have often times sailed through life with success.  I work hard to make it appear that I have it together.  In fact, I recently shared a post I'd written about my healing anniversary on facebook, and the comment that stayed with me most was one from a friend from university - someone I knew during some of the worst years of my depression.  Her comment was that she would have never known that I was so depressed that I was going to bed most nights praying to die.  That she had no idea any of that was going on while we were in school together.

Inside, though, I'm not all that together.  I've struggled for every one of those successes and can list far more things, carefully concealed, that were failures.  I've been pretty sure that I was unloved, and unlovable.

Phil Vischer, the author of the tale of Sidney and Norman describes Sidney with the following words, "Sidney felt broken.  And some days that made it hard to get up in the morning.  Some days, in fact, Sidney couldn't get up at all."

It was at this line that I fully engaged with this story.  Because I know those days.  I knew them intimately in the depression years.  And I still know them some days, as I walk through the challenges life has thrown my way these last several years.  I know them some days as I continue to journey through some big challenges, and as I continue to offer my life to God for healing.

And so, these two very different pigs are summoned to meet with God.  Norman is confident and Sidney terrified.

And I heard Jesus speaking to me, in God's conversations with both Norman and Sidney.

God told Norman that he loved him, but also told Norman that he was prideful, and it was wrong.  That he shouldn't look down on others and judge them.

Ouch.  Definitely guilty of that.  And God has been working on that in my heart, too.  That tendency to decide I know it all, and to judge the hearts and actions of others from a place of cynicism, sarcasm and cruelty.

And then, poor terrified Sidney, who can barely utter a word in his fear, appears before God.

"First of all," God began, "I love you."

Sidney startled - surprised.

"Secondly," God continued in a quieter voice, "I love you."

Sidney was gripping his hat a little less tightly now.

"And thirdly..." God paused, very close to Sidney.  "I love you."

The look in God's eyes warmed Sidney right down to his toes.  "That is what I wanted to tell you."

Sidney's response is lovely, and you must buy the book, to get the full story, and not just the little bits I'm sharing with you here, but what really struck me deeply was this closing paragraph:

As for Sidney, he still had his share of messes, though not as many as before.  And there were still a few days when he wasn't quite sure he could get up in the morning.  But if you stood outside his window on one of those days, this is what you'd hear:

"First of all, he loves me.  Secondly, he loves me.  And thirdly - He loves me."  

And that was all it took.

I vividly remember sending an email to a friend while I was in my first year of university.  I asked her - a friend who'd known Jesus only a few years, in comparison to what was already a lifetime for me - if she really felt loved by God.  Not if she knew in an intellectual "the Bible tells me so" sort of way, but if she really, really knew, deep inside her.  She said she did, and there was a part of me that was deeply jealous.

It was three or four years later that I encountered God's love powerfully in a car one night and walked away healed.  That was the start of a journey, but after that night I could say that most days, anyway, I really did believe in an experiential way that God loved me.

But a lot of the time I was pretty sure that he only loved me because He was God, and, well, God is love, after all.

And, I was pretty sure that if anyone else saw the broken me, the one hiding inside, they wouldn't love me either. 

The last few months have been a journey of hearing God speak over and over again about his love for me.  And of having that reinforced by a select group of people who have come around me.

This week, as I've celebrated the fifth anniversary of my healing, I keep hearing God say, "First, I love you.  Secondly, I love you.  and thirdly, I love you.  That's what I want to tell you."

And my heart is learning to hear and believe that in a whole new way.

And that, my friends, is a whole new beautiful journey of healing to be walking.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 82

Today's Daily 5:

1. A grinning baby on the bus first thing this morning, smiling at his mommy
2. eating a banana for breakfast
3. reading that raises questions
4. A bus route that inspires prayer
5. apples
6. listening to quality teaching on the bus
7. magic bags draped across cold feet

Out

An update on some of the things going on in my life is long overdue.

But that will have to wait for later.

I'm off to engage again in the habit I picked up last weekend.  Riding the bus, reading and praying.  It's absolutely something that cannot be permanently added to my day, especially once I'm back at work (starting November 15th!).  But for now, for this week, and maybe next, those three hours have become precious time to pause.

When I get back, the plan is to sit at my computer and catch up on all sorts of items - everything from emails to blog posts.  I have a number of posts for here brewing in my head.  Things I'd like to get written today and ready for days when I need something to post and just can't quite come up with anything on the spot.

The sunshine we've had all week seems to be fading, and I'm recognizing again today that winter is on it's way, and soon.

And so, I'm off to take advantage of that little bit of sun, and sit and read and pray, touring the city.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 81

Today's Daily 5:

1. Waking up in time to catch the necessary bus, but not having to rush to do it
2. Skype with L in the UK
3. Apples and string cheese
4. a text message regarding chocolate that totally made me grin
5. another sunny day - not something to take for granted in Canada in November
6. finishing two different books today while reading on the bus
7. The perfect timing of the arrival of a kid's book (to be blogged about soon!) that a friend had insisted that I not only needed to read, I needed to own.  When it came today, it turned out to be perfect for the lesson I was in charge of leading at house church tonight!
8. Iced Passion Tea Lemonade from Starbucks
9. Having an option other than tuna casserole (which is what mom made) for dinner
10. gathering with loving friends at house church tonight

A Growing Confidence

I'm sitting on the bus writing this. For the fifth time in six days I hopped on a bus that takes about three hours to make a complete circuit, and spend time reading, thinking and praying. I'm grateful that I have the time and space in my life to do that right now.

My thoughts are quieter right now, and mostly not for public consumption. All the reading has been helpful.

I'm still living in limbo on so many fronts, but this week I am somehow managing to be more at peace with that. To live in that place and do more than simply exist.

I'm dreaming again - looking forward. Knowing in a way that somehow defies words that even if things don't work out as I hope and long and pray for them to, I'll be okay. More than okay, actually.

I'm being made new. Made whole. I'm walking out the journey of healing that I celebrated earlier this week, the journey that has spanned the last five years, in new ways. In ways that are deep and defy public explanation.

There is a deep and growing confidence within me that I am worthy, and that I am loved.

And that, I think, is a pretty special place to be living.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 80

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 80 days of making these lists
2. a long, hot shower
3. late night smiles
4. productivity
5. sunshine
6. green grapes
7. wearing a remembrance day poppy
8. eavesdropping on nursing students on the bus
9. taking time to read things I really enjoy
10. daydreaming about reading projects to come
11. feeling like there are things in life to enjoy and anticipate - that life is more than just something that beats me up day after day
12. needing sunglasses in November (even if I also needed to be wearing a jacket and down vest)
13. mini Kit Kat bar
14. catching sight of the mountains in the distance
15. "If you think about it, we'd all be millionaires if we, like, didn't have to pay any bills."
16. wearing a favorite colorful scarf
17. recognizing ways God was working when I least expected it
18. 10 minute yoga
19. perogies and farmer's sausage
20. encouraging emails at just the right moment
21. getting a ride home
22. sipping tea
23. sorting and planning
24. escapist television
25. melatonin that buys me some sleep most nights

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 79

Today's Daily 5:

1. really cute twin girls on the bus this morning, chorusing, "thank you bus driver" as they disembarked with their nanny
2. a relatively good sleep last night for the first time in a while
3. starting the morning slowly
4. toast with butter and jam
5. sunshine
6. getting a few quick errands done
7. reading on the bus again
8. finishing a book
9. my neck pillow
10. a mug of rooibos tea in my own room, in a new mug I bought specifically for that purpose
11. This quote from an old episode of Grey's Anatomy: "At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
12. getting a bit of cleaning done
13. watching escapist television and laughing as I realized that the book I'd just finished reading was causing me to talk back to the television in a very snarky tone
14. candles lit around the room
15. making a plan for the day, and actually accomplishing the tasks I set for myself
16. talking politics as supper with mom and dad

Not About Me

A while ago a dear friend of me sent me a link to a post that Sarah Markley had written.  I loved the post, and immediately subscribed to Sarah's blog, and have been loving it ever since.

Late last week Sarah posted this post "It's SO not About Me".

And oh, boy, do I identify.

I work to hide it, and I rarely vocalize it, but I'm totally insecure.

If I haven't heard back from a friend about something, I do not immediately assume that they're busy or out of town.  My thoughts immediately go to, "I must have done something," or "they're avoiding me" or "I'm an obligation and they don't really want to spend time with me."

And then I talk myself down to "oh, they're really busy, or out of town or whatever."  Sort of successfully.

It's almost never totally successful until I actually hear from that person that they've been busy or away or whatever.

I liked Sarah's solution of offering grace.

Lately, the big lesson has been learning to offer that to myself. 

To have the security to believe that I am loved.  That my friends aren't friends with me because it's an obligation.  That I am surrounded by people who are loving on me, caring for me, and supporting me.

It's a lesson in grace - and a reminder "It's not about me."

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 78

Today's Daily 5:

1. Watching the clock flip from 11:59 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. and welcoming November 1st
2. Starting this 5th anniversary with a text message from a dear friend
3. knowing deep joy and peace
4. A beautiful book sent from a friend, inscribed to me by the artist, so specially appropriate for today
5. having flexible plans
6. "If the impact doesn't kill you, the sharks will"
7. tea this afternoon with a long-time friend
8. a lovely handmade collage/card from that friend (one of the few who was at the big party I threw to celebrate the first anniversary of healing all those years ago!)
9. getting the news that I had been hired for a job I'm quite excited to do
10. receiving an anniversary text from my dear friend and former roommate L, currently living in the UK
11. Feeling well enough tonight to go out for the evening (not bad since earlier in the day I'd been feeling very unwell from some food I ate yesterday)
12. the twinkling lights downtown
13. eating Subway for dinner - I haven't had it in ages... so good
14. a brief text message exchange with my friend J. - the friend who was with me in the car 5 years ago tonight, who let Jesus use him in my life so powerfully that night
15. attending a "Concert of Hope" - seemed an appropriate way to end the evening - hearing about ministry themed around hope, and worshiping
16. kazoos - nothing quite so funny as a great song with a kazoo solo!
17. time to simply sit and pray for friends today
18. comfy clothes
19. a hug from a friend
20. one last night's break from Grandma's house

I Know Hope

I greeted the arrival of November 1st late last night, laying in bed and watching the clock flip slowly from 11:59 to 12:00.  I watched one of my least favorite days of the year end, and one of the the most special days in my year begin.  And there was deep peace and joy in acknowledging that the threshold had been crossed - that I'd reached that five year mark of healing that seemed so elusive at times.

A few minutes past midnight and my phone buzzed with a text message - a dear friend in a different country and time zone had been quietly keeping vigil too, and had waited up to send me a message celebrating 5 years of healing.

I've told the story before - of that night when I sat in a dark car with a good friend, and encountered God in a profoundly new way.

It's part of the dialogue of my life, this day.  November 1st. 

And it's been 5 years since that night in the car with my friend.  5 years since God intervened.

I'd lived with depression for 7 or so years.  Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, that my existence couldn't become darker, it did.  There had been a few brief reprieves, but nothing lasting.  Despair and hopelessness were the emotions of the moment.  The few prayers I still prayed were either colored with anger at God, or exhausted begging.  I had good Christian guilt and would never have taken my own life, but I spent many a night trying desperately to sleep and begging God that this would be the night where any waking I did would be in Heaven.

Five years ago today my life changed.

It took me several months to understand the scope of that.  To really be able to trust that it was true when I voiced the words, "I've been healed."

They have actually been five of the hardest years of my life.  Many of them marked with days and weeks where I wondered if I would actually reach another anniversary of healing and still be able to say, "By God's grace I'm depression free."

This year has had many of those days and moments too.

But the overwhelming hopelessness that marked the days of depression has never returned.

And as I pause to mark this day, that is perhaps the greatest gift.

To know hope, even in the darkest places that I've walked and walk.

Today, I'm pausing to celebrate hope.  Hope and healing, and a God who carries both and offers them as irrevocable gifts.  A God who has offered those to me, and continues to teach me to stand in them, to delight in them.

It's been 5 years.

The cast of characters in my life has changed time and time again.  Those who celebrated with me at year 1 are scattered.  The friend who was with me that night is one I rarely see or hear from these days.  Life today looks nothing like what I'd envisioned five years ago, or even one year ago.

But God has been faithful as I journey.

And I know hope.