For Today

I just got home from work. I always finish at either 3 or 4 on Tuesdays because I have house church on Tuesday nights.

For whatever reason, I'm still feeling pretty tired and drained. My day off yesterday was good, but I'm really excited for Friday, because I booked five days in a row off work. I may try and make a mini retreat somewhere - any ideas for somewhere in the city that's free? Maybe the weather will be good and I can take myself to fish creek park for a while or something. I'd love to go to the mountains, but that's not looking particularly feasible - no vehicle to get there. Although, I am toying with the idea of renting a car for a few days - anyone interested in spending some time in the mountains with me on Friday, Saturday or Sunday? And in sharing the cost of the car rental and gas to get there?

I'm going to crawl into my bed sometime in the next couple minutes with a couple of books. The first is a novel titled "Savannah from Savannah" which seems thus far (I've only just begun this afternoon) to be quite fun and witty in style. The second is a compilation of writings by a rather obscure twelfth century German nun and mystic named Hildegard of Bingen. I studied her a little bit in one of my (many) church history classes, and found her rather fascinating. I spotted an edition of some of her writings at Chapters the other day, and went back to pick it up - the whole female/mystic thing intrigues me - particularly one from a century where it would have been even more unusual than it sounds today.

And after that, house church. Except we're cleaning and doing repairs in the building our church uses tonight. I'm still working on my attitude for that. I'm not such a fan of being semi-volunteered for service projects. Particularly when we're cancelling a normal Bible study in favor of working. I'd be willing to show up on a different night to work, but I hate that we cancel house church to clean. But hey, I'll go, because we might be going out for "beer and wings" afterwards - neither of which appeals, but I'm sure anyplace that serves beer and wings will also serve real food.

And with that I'm off to read. And possibly return a couple of emails.

Just for Fun

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Thirsty

At work on Sunday, as I once again sought to remember worship songs to hum along to while I worked away on brainless and mundane tasks on my own, God brought to mind a song that had a great deal of significance in my life a couple of years ago.

Looking back, it is a song that very closely and carefully describes a whole variety of times in my faith journey. Initially, it was significant because it spoke of my longings for God, the struggle I had in deciding if I would accept and make my own the God of my parents, and eventually, as the song ends, reached the point of deciding to pursue God and faith. That was about six years ago, near the beginning of my last year of high school.

As I came back to the song again on Sunday morning, I was surprised by how closely the same lyrics apply to the journey of the last two or three years, and even of the last six months. As I've struggled to understand and accept the role of the Holy Spirit I've wrestled, felt so very alone, and finally plunged in with abandon to the life God is leading me towards.

The song, you ask? It's titled simply "Thirsty" and is written by Chris Rice.

I'm so thirsty, I can feel it

Burnin' through the furthest corners of my soul. Deep desire, can describe this

nameless urge that drives me somewhere

though I don't know where to go

Seems I've heard about a river from someone who's been

And they tell me once you reach it, oh you'll never thirst again

So I have to find the river, somehow my life depends on the river

Holy River, I'm so thirsty.

Other waters I've been drinkin'

But they always leave me empty like before

Satisfaction - all I'm askin'

Could I really be this thirsty if there weren't something more?

I'm so thirsty, I can feel it

Burnin' through the furthest corners of my soul. Deep desire, can't describe this

nameless urge that drives me somewhere

though I don't know where to go

I'm on the shore now of the wildest river

And I kneel and beg for mercy from the skies

But no one answers - gotta take my chances

'Cause somethin' deep inside me's cryin'

"This is why you are alive."

So I plunge into the river with all that I am

Prayin' this will be the river where I'll never thirst again

I'm abandoned to the river and now my life depends on the river

Holy River.

I'm so thirsty.

Dangerous Da Vinci?

The whole world seems to be talking about the Da Vinci Code at the moment. I don't know if this is a particularly good or bad thing. It frustrates me that Christians get so up in arms about something that is really rather harmless - a fictional tale - and the key word is fictional. And honestly, I'm going to keep this short, because I don't care all that much, and I don't particularly want to add to the mess of stuff already out there about this topic.

I actually didn't have any idea what the book was about, so I borrowed the copy my brother bought to read on the planes on his recent trip to Ukraine, and I read it over the last couple of days. I'd heard it was an amusing read in a "you have to check your brain out" kind of way. I enjoyed the read. Brown is a good writer. He crafts supsense well, if somewhat predictably at times.

But here's what got me. His writing seems so true - all the legends and mythology surrounding the Christian faith - with just enough truth thrown in for it to be confusing. I have a four year degree in church history. I've never heard any of the stuff Brown writes about the grail before. And I assure you that I had professors who love controversy - if the kind of thing Brown was writing about was recognized by anything more than fringe scholars, I'd have heard about it.

As to the whole bit about reclaiming the sacred feminine, I honestly thought that Brown made some good points. He took it to a bit of an extreme that was perhaps unneccesary, but extreme seems to be stock in trade these days. As to the whole sacred feminine thing, I refer you to past posts I've written about feminist theology for some of my thoughts on the matter. I also recommend that you truly study Moravian theology during what is occasionally referred to as their "radical" period - Zinzendorf and his followers had a strong understanding of the sacred feminine that earned them much criticism, but seems to be a somewhat scriptural and inspired thought, if again a bit extreme at times.

All in all, I think the Da Vinci Code is far less of a big deal than we are making it out to be. I don't think it is particularly dangerous - yes, it goes too far, and yes, Brown's claims of historical accuracy are ridiculous, but dangerous? I don't think so...

A Father's Heart

So, I struggle with the concept of God as Father. You see, the word, Father, or Daddy, or Dad, is so tied up in my relationship with my earthly father. And my relationship with my earthly father is surface level at best, and tense at worst.

There are rather deep wounds, and the distance between us seems to have grown over the last years as I've moved away from the church he pastors, the church I grew up in, and settled into the church I presently attend.

When I think of a Father I don't think of a person I come running to with every wound. I think of a person that I need to be kind of together to come in front of. I don't think of a person who wants to know the intimate details of my life. I think about a person who wants to know the surface level stuff - the intellectual stuff. I don't think about someone who celebrates with me when I'm excited about something new that I've learned. I think about someone who plays devil's advocate even when he agrees with me, someone who will challenge every statement that comes out of my mouth, someone who is always pushing me to think harder, more deeply.

(just reading that last sentence makes me laugh. no wonder I've had trouble with the experiential aspects of faith!)

But, over the last while God has been subtly beginning to reveal His Father's heart to me. Never directly - I don't know that I've been ready to receive it, but always in ways that show me what His love is like.

There was the time I had my arm around a hurting friend, praying for her, and I was suddenly completely overwhelmed with a sense of God's love for her. The depth and intensity of it astonished me as I realized that this was his fathering heart for this hurting woman.

And then there was an experience this week. A group of us were praying together, ranging over a variety of issues, when another young woman began to share. The wounds in her life from her father are deep, and my own heart resonated and understood many parts of what she shared. As we began to pray over her and minister to her, I kept asking God what He would say to her. I paced a bit around the room, needing to move, wrestling to determine if what I was hearing was really the voice of God. And finally, I began to speak. God was telling her that He was not like her earthly father. That He wanted her to run to Him, to be held by Him. That He didn't want to create a spirit that says I must be independent, but rather a spirit that fosters this woman running into His arms with each and every need, each and every moment of joy, with every breath turning to Him. That He wanted to celebrate her because she was His beloved child.

Those words have stuck with me this week. I don't know if they resonated deeply with her or not, but they've bounced around my heart. Slowly, and ever so gently, through the words He's asked me to speak to others, God is revealing His heart for me.

A few weeks ago, as I was laying on the floor at the conference I attended, sobbing, and being prayed for, one of the things I remember Kari saying was that she felt like God was going to heal some more of my Father wounds. A few weeks prior to that, she sent me a note telling me that she was praying a Jason Upton song over me that day. I've written about that song, about the ongoing theme of our interconnectedness in Christ over the last while. I've listened to the song over and over, and every time it impacts me with the truth that I am not alone. What never caught me until tonight, as I began to write this post, is that the song is actually a lullaby that Upton wrote for his daughter, that developed into a love song from God to his children. Part of my father wound seems to have been a driving independence. But that independence was lonely. God is speaking to me through Upton's words... look at the first couple lines of the song:

Don't be afraid baby, don't you cry
Daddy's here it will be all right
You're not alone, you're not alone....

I love the subtle ways that God is working! Thank you, Abba, for continuing to reveal your heart for me.

To Do List

I have often admitted here that I am one of those people who really likes lists. I am not particularly driven by them. In fact, if something spontaneous comes up, I happily chuck the list in favor of the more interesting spontaneity. But lists are helpful in organizing my thoughts, and today, on my day off, I need to make a list of the things I'm hoping to accomplish today and tomorrow. I derive an odd sense of satisfaction from checking things off a list, therefore, I list everything, no matter how mundane, that must be accomplished in a particular day.

• Write a blog or journal entry that does not entail discussing how busy I am, or what I have planned for the next few days - preferably one that talks about some of the spiritual stuff I've been thinking about this week.
• Job interview - 1pm. Make sure I've read the website for the office I'm interviewing at.
• Shower.
• Laundry.
• Change the sheets on my bed.
• Wash the dirty sheets.
• Spend at least thirty minutes outside in the sun. Remember to wear sunscreen this time in order to avoid the thirty minute burn that has made it difficult to sleep on my shoulders all week.
• Clean my desk so there is room for scrapbooking or cardmaking projects.
• Do something creative.
• Watch a movie or read a novel - something that is not work related and will let me escape my brain and simply relax for a while.
• Read some more of the Mike Pilavachi book that I'm enjoying so much.
• Do some writing on some of the scriptural insights I've been discovering lately.
• Email some more resumes out.

Full Day

I'm up earlier than I'd like. You see, I have to leave for work in less than half an hour. I have to make myself look far more professional for work than normal today, because I am leaving directly from work for a job interview at the regional office of a bank - an administrative assistant position.

Then, transit home from the job interview, eat quickly and head out to house church.

Work tomorrow - 11-7. So I'll either be back to "real" blogging (and I have some good stuff to say about church Sunday night) tomorrow night or Thursday (which is my only day off this week.)

Joining Lives

I am thinking this morning about the joining of lives. About how true the statement made by sixteenth century poet and minister John Donne is. Donne wrote while struggling to recover from a long and debilitating illness which he had originally thought was the Black Plague. Each day he would lie in his bed and listen to the tolling of the church bells nearby, signaling the death of yet another person from plague. His words are potent, the entire Meditation XVII worth reading for it's power and strength (you can find the whole thing here), but I will quote for you just a tiny portion, the most famous portion:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

My life is inherently tied to the lives of those around me. I am only beginning to realize the depth of what this means. I am only beginning to understand how to walk out life as an individual, but as an individual who is tied to others with varying degrees of closeness and strength. On November 1st, 2005, God healed me from depression that had plagued me for over five years. On that same day, as one of the things that led up to the prayer time where I later realized I was healed, I began to have flashes of a vision. The same thing over and over again. Two small feet, looking like they had been slashed with a razor blade. (the word razor was very strongly associated in my head with what I was seeing.) The wounds weren't bleeding, they were more like scratches, or healing wounds, but they were fairly fresh and raw. Later, I discovered that God was using that moment of healing to tie my life to another person. The feet were those of a friend who struggles with self-mutilation, and on the day that I was so oddly "seeing" feet all day, she was using a razor blade on her own feet and ankles, expressing the pain in her life in the manor that I had been viewing all day long.

I am only now, six months later, beginning to fully understand that moment. God asked me to serve a couple of very broken women within days of healing part of my own brokenness. And I poured myself into that service with abandon. I had little wisdom to offer, little experience of deeper spiritual things, but I understood what it was to be broken and to desire wholeness. Fast forward six months. There have been ups and downs. This week was particularly down. I had seen little progress in the lives of one of the women in particular. In fact, it seemed she was further away from emotional and spiritual health rather than closer to it. I am involved in another situation that has also drained a great deal of my emotional and spiritual energy. This week I screamed at God because I know deep within me that He has not released me from the ties that bind me to these situations. That He is still calling me to be present in these situations, to continue to offer myself. I had lost all perspective. I was carrying to some extent the burden on my own, rather than allowing Christ to carry it, and simply being obedient to His calling.

I am regaining perspective today. I woke and read this post at Kirk's blog. He describes a vision of a wounded Jesus. The way He describes the wounds of Christ was an accurate description of the wounds I saw on those feet all those months ago. Not just the feet of my friend, but the wounded feet of a Savior who bears all of our wounds...

I was already thinking about the joining of lives because I am going to a wedding this afternoon to watch two very dear friends make the deepest joining of their lives possible. I am so excited for these people that God has already brought together, to watch them stand before their family and friends and God and commit themselves to each other for the rest of their breathing moments.

I am thinking about a situation I heard about this week where it was discovered that a little girl was being sexually abused. I am thinking about how, when the situation was shared with a group of us, our cries to Jesus on behalf of this child and her family were passionate - we knew inherently the evil, that it diminished us, though we would have never known to use those words, and we fought against it on behalf of this child and her family.

I come back, as I draw this post to a close to another portion of Donne's meditation. He is again talking about death, but I find his thoughts so applicable to a life of faith...

...all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another...

May all the situations of our lives, the wounds and brokenness, the joyous moments such as weddings, and the realization of our ties to those around us serve to begin the translation process. May we be translated in small portions each day into a "better language". May the events of our lives be translators employed by the hands of God, and in that moment of final translation may His hand truly bind up all our scattered pages.

You HAVE to see this!

No, really. You have to go to this site. I mean, it's the Bible, only in Lego. Slightly wild and crazy at times, and you have to wonder who has this kind of time on their hands, but so funny!

God at Work?

It's funny how we can talk about not confining where God will work, but we don't really ever expect Him to show up in certain arenas of our lives. My work place is like that. While I have enjoyed being a "gift registry consultant" for the last year, I'm tired of the job, and ready to move into something full time that won't require me to work evenings and weekends all the time anymore. My coworkers are a big part of the reason I'm ready to move on - and one in particular. I had a nasty (on her part not mine - I think I managed to hold my tongue quite admirably since I was ready to quit on the spot!) encounter with her on Wednesday evening during my shift, and wasn't looking forward at all to going into work yesterday because I knew I would be with her for six of the eight hours I was working.

In fact, as I headed into work, I was angry, I was dreading being there, I was tempted to be sick and stay home - anything to avoid having to spend time with this one woman. But I'm kind of responsible that way, so sick was out.

I arrived at work and immediately began working on a task that I complete on my own. While I was working I decided to work on my attitude, and began humming or whistling some worship songs. I really wasn't looking for any kind of God encounter, I mostly wanted to focus on the lyrics playing through my head, and was hoping that thinking about something "happy" or "good" like God would improve my mood.

So I'm humming away, stuffing packages for brides, and answering the occasional question from my coworkers or from clients, and suddenly God starts talking. Nothing super profound. The coworker I was struggling with came into the room I was working in to make a phone call and God tells me to pray. Nothing specific, just pray, so I pray a few sentences and go back to the song. This happened a couple different times - God directing me to pray, or pointing out certain lyrics in the songs I was humming.

What caught me as I thought about it after I got home last night was that God honored my desire for a changed attitude, and showed up. It's hard to pray, even a few sentences for someone in your head, when you're totally angry at them. I'm not saying I've fallen in love with this woman - in fact, I'm glad that today at work will be relatively stress free because she has the day off, but my attitude changed and the shift went smoothly. I focused on God, and He showed up, and that surprised me more than anything.

And, as I think about it, my job does provide an awful lot of opportunities to pray. Because every couple we meet with is about to embark on marriage in a society that tells them that it's an outdated institution, or one that is not necessarily permanent. Or there's the lesbian couple we got the email from yesterday who were upset because the cards in which we write messages from the wedding guests to the couple have a man and a woman on the front, and they'd like them to be gender neutral. There's the single mom (about my age) with a five year old son who's a coworker. There's the coworker who lives with her long-time, expects to marry him someday, boyfriend, who's been having problems and fighting with him lately. And so many more. Maybe if I approach my workplace as a place that God might actually want to hang out at it'll make the time I have left until I find a new position more bearable?

Receiving and Giving

I wrote this last night, during house church.

Luke 6:38 (NLT) - Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and pouring into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.

There has been a shift in my life in the last month or so. Not necessarily a good shift. I have begun to resent God's call on my life to give - especially to such broken people. He has given me such a heart for the broken, but in the last while I have lost a bit of that. The heart is there, but I have begun to resent what it represents, what it calls me to. I have begun to ask God why I'm not receiving in return - when I will get my payback for what I have poured out, rather than simply being willing to obey and give. "Why aren't you seeing MY brokenness God? How come you're sending me to pour out my life for others and you're not sending someone to pour out their life for me?"

It's a very selfish sort of obedience. A grumpy following rather than a following with joy. A sense of "when am I going to get my just rewards?"

Father, I confess my selfish heart. I just want You. Soften my heart again. Restore within me Your heart. Let me see those to whom You ask me to give with Your eyes and not my own. Give me Your heart for the brokenness in their lives, Your desire for their healing. Forgive my selfish desires. Abba, I belong to You. I'm Yours. Wherever you want, wherever you say, that's where I want to be. I love You.

Day Off

Today was my day off. I worked the last six straight days, and today was my one day off. I'm off again on Saturday, because I took the day off to attend a good friend's wedding.

I love lazy days off with no particular agenda. I did a couple errands by myself this morning, and a couple more with my mom. I spent a half hour or so reading in my back yard, soaking up the sun. I would have spent longer, but I have this ridiculously pale skin that is slightly pink after only thirty minutes and would be painfully red after any greater length of time. I did some reading in the bathtub, and some cleaning in my bedroom. I helped chop vegetables to be grilled with our supper. This is the best kind of day in my opinion.

Lots of time to just be, and lots of time to simply think.

Here's what I've been thinking about today. It seems that the new things God is doing in my life would require a completely different personality than my own. I keep asking Him if He meant to pick someone different for the things He's asking of me.

I got an email today that challenged me. A new friend was responding to some questions and concerns I'd sent to him last week. He suggested once again that I speak of my concerns in a corporate setting, that I speak clearly about the things on my heart and see what God does. I really think that God meant for someone else to do this. Yes, I've been stepping out in a lot of new ways this last while. But I've got to be honest - I don't like tension or confrontation all that much. In fact, I'd much rather avoid them completely. And I definitely don't like anything that draws attention to myself. I feel inadequate - uncertain that the things that I am experiencing as concerns, the things I feel that God has revealed to me are things that I am qualified to speak to. Or even things that are acceptable to be feeling. Maybe they aren't God?

The Holy Spirit confuses me. I don't understand at all the things He seems to be doing in my life. I don't understand this place I find myself in. I'm not necessarily all that upset about a lack of understanding - more that there seems to be so little clarity - so many shades of gray. I find myself begging for Him to release me from certain situations - to give me the freedom to move on to new things alongside some friends, and yet, He hasn't released me. And so I continue to live in this place of tension. I'm not so good at discerning His voice. It confuses me that my dream life is open to both the Spirit of God, and to attack from the enemy. It confuses me that this following God thing seems so easy for some, and so conflict ridden for me. I wonder how to scripturally defend the new things I have experienced with God over the last months. More importantly, I'm wondering how or if I even should explain them to my parents and brothers. I feel at times very alone. I don't know who to ask these questions about the Spirit of God, who to wrestle through my struggles with my church with. I need to process verbally - I am very auditory, and yet I don't know who would be safe to sit and have these sorts of conversations with.

But, despite what would seem to be very angst ridden thoughts, this has been a relaxing day off. Tonight is house church, and that always increases the angst for a while, but I fully intend to go, to look to receive from Christ, and then to come home, to sleep, and to start the rest of my week off tomorrow.

A Strong Heritage

It hasn't been the most brilliant day. A situation has come up with a close friend that I will probably have to deal with tomorrow. At the very least I need to say some things to her that she may not want to hear, and ask her to stop leaving drunken voicemails on my cell phone in the middle of the night. It's time to figure out how to stop enabling self-destructive behavior.

But that's not what I've been thinking about for the last hour. Some of you know that one of my aunts is a Roman Catholic nun. I was browsing through her community's website for the last half hour and came upon something that made me grateful once again for at least a semi-godly heritage. Yes, there are a great number of failings in both sides of my extended family, but I have been blessed with parents who genuinely seek the heart of God, as well as a scattered few aunts and uncles who do the same. I was reading the statement of mission for my aunt's community, and loved it and thought I'd share it here.

We, the Sisters of St. Agnes, participate in the mission of Christ by joyful service in the Church, always aware that we, too, are among the needy and are enriched by those we serve.
Inspired by our founders--by the missionary zeal of Father Caspar Rehrl, the courageous initiatives of Mother Agnes Hazotte and the spiritual influence of Father Francis Haas--we continue to respond in our own times to those whose faith life or human dignity is threatened.
Rooted in Christ through prayer and worship we serve in both rural and urban settings throughout the United States and in Latin America.
We strive to minister with simplicity and hospitality in the fields of education, health care, pastoral ministry and social service.
We are committed to transformation of the world, the Church and ourselves through promoting
- systemic change for the quality of life
- justice for the economically poor
- furtherance of the role of women in church and society
- mutuality, inclusivity and collaboration.
Love binds us together, and by sharing our lives and our faith in community, we support one another to live with singleness of purpose: that among us and in our world the Risen Christ be discovered and revealed.

I'm so grateful for a heritage that pushes me to seek more of God, even if the method in which I'm choosing to seek Him is not always the method that my family members would have chosen. (You can find out more about my aunt's community here.)

A Sticky Situation

I continue to find myself involved in a rather tense situation, involving a great number of close friends, and our church. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to write a pages long rant, detailing the situation and naming names, it would be both unfair to the people involved, and less than fruitful at this moment.

Every time I think the situation is beginning to smooth or resolve, it gets stirred yet again.

This afternoon I sat with a very close friend, someone who I would have never expected to say the things she did about this situation. In fact, a couple of months ago when I said similar things to her, she to some extent dismissed my concerns. But, they've come home and begun to affect her personally, and she has made a very difficult decision. After more than three years, she's moving on - not completely out of our church, but out of a community within the church that we've both been part of for those three years. If this shift doesn't go well for her, if it turns out that what she's been experiencing is endemic to the whole church and not just one community, then she will leave entirely.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've expressed my concerns to someone in leadership, only to have them glossed over, assumed that they were someone else's concerns, or not responded to at all. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I've told myself to be patient, that change doesn't happen immediately. I've even taken what feels like some big risks in sharing very personal parts of my journey. I still don't feel completely released to follow my friend and switch communities. And yet, I feel at times that I am slowly strangling in the place where I am at present. I'm watching close friends - heart friends - get hurt, or make painful decisions, or simply walk away from a church community that has in the past brought great healing to all of us.

How do you make a decision about this kind of thing? I don't even know anymore how to pray... God, help.

Inadvertent Offense

I was thinking this morning about the fact that I've removed a lot of the filters between my brain and my mouth over the last while. And that I think this gets me in trouble at times. I manage to inadvertently offend people because I am blunt.

I was talking with a friend last night about a mutual friend who I'm having a very hard time relating to at the moment. I think it's because this mutual friend is very "boxy" - things in her world are very well contained.

I don't do contained all that well - I've spent too long waiting for the kind of freedom I'm experiencing right now.

And I'll say things that other people might be thinking, but that I've never heard anyone admit to out loud. Things like (this is what I said last night), "I don't really care all that much about Islam." Now here's the thing. This is a loaded statement. I'm not saying I don't care about Muslims, or that I don't believe that people should be researching ways to reach Muslims with Christ, or anything along those lines. I'm simply saying that topics like "Islam and Terrorism" or "Radical Islam" aren't all that interesting to me. I'd rather focus on the many things we have in common with an Islamic believer. I'd rather hang out with someone who is a Muslim, and find out what they believe and why. I'd rather cultivate friendship than focus on how Islam is threatening Christianity, or how Muslims are persecuting Christians. Yes, these things are happening, and they are important, but they are not particularly where my passion lies.

See, it works like this for me. I'm very relational. My heart, the mission God has called me to is in North America, and specifically to the broken within the church corporate. So, I don't really care about the nation of Liberia, but I really do care about my friend who leaves next week to work for Samaritan's Purse doing relief work in Liberia and East Africa. Because I care about her, I care about Liberia. I don't really care about the nation of Ghana, but I care about the many friends and ministry partners of my family in that nation, and because I care about them, I care about Ghana. The same is true for any number of other locations around the world.

My next major overseas trip may be a mission trip, but at this point it seems far more likely that it will be a pilgrimage. There are places that have unique spiritual significance to me in Europe in particular -places that I have studied, where the things I learned spoke into deep places in my soul, marked stages in my journey, and I simply want to see and hang out in those places. A friend invited me on the weekend to come visit her in India. I'd love to see India - I've been warned to not make that my "first" mission trip - too overwhelming, too much heat, too many smells, too much poverty. But I've been fascinated by India ever since taking a class in Indian history. But again, I don't really want to go as a "missionary." I just want to go and hang out with some people I know, see some of the things I've studied, experience the culture a bit, pray and meet God. I think I could travel for the rest of my life (with long stops at home in between) as a pilgrim... simply wandering to places and meeting God there - with no particular agenda but His.

Whew...

I think I'm still catching my breath. Waiting for my brain to catch up with my body. Waiting for my soul to settle.

It was just that kind of weekend, and it seems to be spreading into my week. I've had crazy dreams - ones that leave strong impressions of their significance every night since the weekend. I don't know what to do about dreams. In fact, I sent someone an email this morning with the (slightly) tongue in cheek comment that after years of nightmares and insomnia during the time I was depressed, I was hoping that God would confine His comments to me to my waking hours!

I was thinking too, about how important it is at times to hear something. My housechurch has been working our way through a book titled "Naturally Supernatural" by a guy named Gary Best, and I was having a very difficult time reading the book. Gary writes like a speaker, and I just couldn't get into his writing style at all. I'd spent at least a month trying to read the 30 pages of the first chapter, and I couldn't do it. But then, I heard Gary teach the material from the book all weekend. He's a dynamic communicator in person. So I tried reading his book again today, and it's going somewhat more smoothly. Reminds me of my experience with Tony Campolo - a great speaker, who writes as if he was speaking. This makes it hard to read. But, once you've heard Tony speak a few times, you can read Him more easily, because you can tell when He's joking or exaggerating. You can "hear" him telling the story. That's what happened with Gary's book for me. I've heard him teach the material, so it plays in my head as I read it, and makes it flow much more smoothly.

It's a busy week, and I must be off. I need to email off some more resumes today...

Not Alone

I've sat down to write this post several times in the last couple of weeks, and the timing has never seemed quite right. But, as I've been reflecting on the events of the last week, it seems like the timing to write out these thoughts might be now.

I woke up this morning and the first thought that crossed my brain (after the "I can't believe I slept that rough again!" thought) was, "Wow. A lot has happened in the last week."

And it's true. Last Tuesday I spoke for an hour and a bit, telling a chunk of my life story, sharing how God has been working and how I've fallen in love with Him again. And that night was also a breakthrough of sorts, a taking back of ground moment, because the place in which I was asked to speak these things is not a place that has traditionally been at all safe for that kind of expression. In fact, it has been a place where I have felt incredibly silenced, hidden and inadequate. But God was so faithful, and I came away from it with such peace and joy.

I moved on through the week, working some shifts at the Bay, going for a few more job interviews, and attending the conference.

Ah, yes, the conference. It was a good experience - something powerful but also quite fuzzy in my mind. But God was there, powerfully at times. Saturday in particular. I admit to finding it almost scary how powerfully He was there. I remember at one point Saturday night, as I was laying on my face, crying, my whole left side shaking and trembling, with a good friend holding me and praying over me, thinking, "God, I want more, but I'm also afraid. Take that fear..."

But perhaps, the biggest thing that was played out in tangible ways in my life over the course of the last week was a message that God has been speaking for the past several weeks, that I have struggled, and still struggle at times to absorb. "You are not alone."

Because I have felt very alone in a number of arenas of my life. I have felt terribly alone as I have journeyed with a couple of really broken friends, praying, supporting, caring for them. I have felt terribly alone in facing some of my own wounds. I have felt terribly alone as I have sought deeper understanding of these new and seemingly weird things God has been doing in my life over the course of the last six months.

Probably two or three weeks ago now, my friend Kari sent me an email. She said that she had been sitting at her piano, playing and praying, and God brought me to her mind. She said she had prayed a Jason Upton song for me, gave me a couple of the lyrics, and the name of the CD it was found on. I looked up the rest of the lyrics, and went out and bought the CD. I've been listening to it nearly every day since.

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lays down
The live together in a whole new town
They're calling me and they're calling you
From the cold hard facts that we're on our own
To the age old truth that we're not alone

Don't be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory's on the other side
You're not alone you're not alone

I have laid in bed nearly every night for the last couple weeks and listened to Jason Upton sing the words God was trying so hard to get me to hear. But there was an event over the course of the weekend that God used to tangibly demonstrate this message.

I attended the conference with a good friend from a very conservative background. She was somewhat concerned about attending this particular conference, and made that quite clear to me. On the Friday night, she left the conference spitting mad. She was so angry it was hilarious, and we talked for quite some time in her car about the events of the evening. On Saturday, I knew once again that she was struggling. She shared a little bit of the struggles with some others over the lunch break, and in the afternoon two women from our community came to her and asked to pray for her. But it was the evening session where things finally got a bit crazy. I knew that I needed to sit with one particular friend for the session. I didn't know why, just that I needed to be there. That means that I left my "angry" friend on her own. And then stuff started happening, and I was worried about my friend and what she was thinking, but couldn't go to her because I was focusing my attention on the friend I was sitting with. And then, suddenly I was on my face, and I definitely couldn't go to my friend. But here's the thing - someone else from our community could and did. One of the women who had prayed for her in the afternoon saw what was going on, and immediately went to her.

And afterwards, God just spoke to me again about how I didn't have to carry the burdens of all of my friends alone. I honored where He was asking me to be, and He provided for the situation where I could not be. He used this woman from our community to minister to my friend in a way I couldn't have. And because of it, He worked in both my life, and the life of the friend who I couldn't be with. Driving home with her was such a totally opposite experience that night. She was bubbling joy - overflowing with an experience of freedom.

They're calling me and they're calling you
From the cold hard facts that we're on our own
To the age old truth that we're not alone.

Don't be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory's on the other side
You're not alone you're not alone.

Conference and other thoughts

Another bullet point type update for you all.

These (in no particular order) are the things I'm thinking about at the moment:

• I love my hairdresser. I had my hair cut today, and my hairdresser straightened it for me. I won't have to do anything with it for the next couple days, and it'll look really good to boot.
• I'm at a conference most of this weekend. It's a vineyard conference - seems that there's going to be a lot of praying over people, trying to listen for God, that kind of thing.
• This is probably good, but also a bit odd at times.
• I enjoyed the speaker last night, but wasn't sure what to make of the practical application time.
• I have the best person in the world to debrief after sessions like that, and she's the one giving me rides. I love that she is struggling hugely with charismatic "stuff" even hates it at times, but keeps coming back, keeps pursuing God, keeps wanting more, keeps being willing to learn, keeps trying to be open to new things. I love her honesty the second we get in her car after a session.
• Because of the conference I'm going to be away from my computer and not really blogging this weekend.
• I turned down both job offers. Neither one was quite was I was looking for, and I didn't have any peace about accepting either offer. So, I'm still at the Bay (which is not that good a piece of news) but I interviewed at a temp/placement agency yesterday, and they think that they can find me work starting around $13 an hour, which is more than either of the offers I turned down.
• I bought a couple new tops today, and I'm excited to wear them out and around.
• I applied for several more jobs this morning, and am hoping some of them call me for interviews.
• I'm making dinner tonight for my mom and one of my friends, and I don't know what I'm cooking yet, so I should probably go make that decision now!

And with that, I'm off.

I came away smiling

No really. I came away smiling and at peace. That's how I felt. It's not what I expected to feel given the location, the circumstances. But it's what I felt. I had spoken my heart, and I don't really know too much how it was received, but I had the peace of having spoken the things that God had placed there.

For probably an hour and a bit last night I walked back through my life story. I talked about being a pastor's kid and my love/hate relationship with that. I talked about the church split and the impact that had on me - how it made me cynical and distrustful of Christians and sometimes Christ. I talked about Young Life, and how it came along at just the right time - how it kept me in the church, kept me believing in Christ, believing that good people followed Christ too, and not just hypocrites. I talked a little about Dana, my YL leader, and the encouragement and mentor she's been over the years. I talked about the fact that after I graduated from high school and chose not to be a YL leader I floundered quite a bit. I wasn't really part of the YL community any more, I didn't have any friends at church (the nature of a tiny church), and I was in university, away from most of my friends who had spread across the country to go to school.

I talked about how it was this first year of university when depression really heavily settled into my life, although it would be several years before I would acknowledge its presence openly. And then I described the reality of depression - one guy commented when I was done that what I had shared was very "real". It was a bit weird to say these things in this setting. Most of these people had known me for two or three years - the worst years of the depression - and never would have known that I was asking God to let me die in my sleep for most of those years, to please take me home because there was nothing left here to live for, and the pain was so overwhelming.

And then I talked about that night in November - November 1, 2005 - where I sat in a friend's car and let him lead me before God in a way that I hadn't come in a very long time. I let him lead me to a place of honesty before God that was so very healing and peaceful. I told the "feet" story because it explained more than anything how my life shifted on that day. How in my own moment of healing God was tying my life and my story to the story of a friend, and asking me to walk into crazy places.

And then I described a bit of the ups and downs of the last months. I talked about walking into crazy situations with friends, about doing life with really messy people. I talked about the fact that God has challenged me to find him in the places of darkness. I read them the piece I posted here a while ago titled "The Kingdom isn't Breaking Through." I spoke about the fact that the church tends to seek to conceal the messiness, and that I am in a place where I can no longer do that - to conceal and hide the things in my life would be dishonest. I challenged the idea of looking for God only in the big moments, or the "breakthrough"moments.

I talked about praying "Hallelujah" and "Immanuel". I finished with that. I told them that my heart as I was thinking and praying about what to share with them was really that God would be glorified - that they would see as clearly as I do His hands guiding and shaping my life. I talked about the moments when God asked me to pray hallelujah or immanuel when it seemed least appropriate - as someone was dying, as another friend was in pain. But God keeps asking me, reminding me of these two words - Hallelujah - glory to God, and Immanuel - God with us. Glory to God. God with us. Glory to God in the midst of the messy places He has asked me to inhabit, because it is there that God is with us.

My heart is for the glory of God. I have fallen in love with Him and I'm never going back. I want to close this post with a portion of scripture I read as I finished last night. I started memorizing this Psalm as a desperate plea for God to hear sometime last spring. And now, a year later, I have come back to it, because God heard.

Psalm 116
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."
How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.
O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.

Sharing Tonight

I'm telling my story to a group of people for the first time tonight (at least as far as I know - sometimes the schedule of this thing changes and you don't find out until the last minute). I've told it to tons of individuals over the last 6 months, but not ever to a group.

I'm excited, but nervous. This has not always been the safest or most welcoming environment in which to speak of brokenness, but it's one in which I was asked to speak. It's a community I've been a part of for the last three years, and I'm honored to be able to tell them a bit about what God is doing.

If you think of it, pray for me - my most honest desire is to give God glory in this - because it is Him that has changed me so deeply over the last while.

Quick Once Again

I'm part-way through getting ready for a job interview this morning. When you haven't done hardly anything for a month, it's a lot of work to make yourself look presentable - attractive, pleasant, properly attired, make-up understated, hair done neatly. Not that I mind.

Which leads me to my second observation - high heels add confidence. Now, I've had tendonitis in both of my feet since sometime in 12th grade, so I can't wear heels on a regular basis, but I do love to wear them. There's something about that added two inches of height, combined with a cute skirt that really makes me believe that I am desirable, that I am professional, that I am the image that I am working to project. High heels are a good cure for insecurity!

One more interview this morning. Then, the waiting game to see who calls, who would like me to come in and work for them. And, hopefully, a decision game - which job will pay the best, offer the best benefits and hours, that kind of thing.

After the interview I'm going to Costco with my mom. I love that place. And, since my tax return came last week, and I actually have a little bit of money at the moment, I'm going to buy another pair of these really great yoga capri's they're selling there.

Then, hanging out with a friend for a while, and I have to pull together the things I'm going to share tomorrow night. I've been praying about that over the weekend, and have a pretty good idea of the direction I'm going, but am hoping to pull it together, to actually sit down and organize my thoughts, make some notes, that kind of thing today or tonight sometime.

And with that, I'm off! Another quick update! I swear, Wednesday or Thursday latest I'll put something of substance here!