I came away smiling

No really. I came away smiling and at peace. That's how I felt. It's not what I expected to feel given the location, the circumstances. But it's what I felt. I had spoken my heart, and I don't really know too much how it was received, but I had the peace of having spoken the things that God had placed there.

For probably an hour and a bit last night I walked back through my life story. I talked about being a pastor's kid and my love/hate relationship with that. I talked about the church split and the impact that had on me - how it made me cynical and distrustful of Christians and sometimes Christ. I talked about Young Life, and how it came along at just the right time - how it kept me in the church, kept me believing in Christ, believing that good people followed Christ too, and not just hypocrites. I talked a little about Dana, my YL leader, and the encouragement and mentor she's been over the years. I talked about the fact that after I graduated from high school and chose not to be a YL leader I floundered quite a bit. I wasn't really part of the YL community any more, I didn't have any friends at church (the nature of a tiny church), and I was in university, away from most of my friends who had spread across the country to go to school.

I talked about how it was this first year of university when depression really heavily settled into my life, although it would be several years before I would acknowledge its presence openly. And then I described the reality of depression - one guy commented when I was done that what I had shared was very "real". It was a bit weird to say these things in this setting. Most of these people had known me for two or three years - the worst years of the depression - and never would have known that I was asking God to let me die in my sleep for most of those years, to please take me home because there was nothing left here to live for, and the pain was so overwhelming.

And then I talked about that night in November - November 1, 2005 - where I sat in a friend's car and let him lead me before God in a way that I hadn't come in a very long time. I let him lead me to a place of honesty before God that was so very healing and peaceful. I told the "feet" story because it explained more than anything how my life shifted on that day. How in my own moment of healing God was tying my life and my story to the story of a friend, and asking me to walk into crazy places.

And then I described a bit of the ups and downs of the last months. I talked about walking into crazy situations with friends, about doing life with really messy people. I talked about the fact that God has challenged me to find him in the places of darkness. I read them the piece I posted here a while ago titled "The Kingdom isn't Breaking Through." I spoke about the fact that the church tends to seek to conceal the messiness, and that I am in a place where I can no longer do that - to conceal and hide the things in my life would be dishonest. I challenged the idea of looking for God only in the big moments, or the "breakthrough"moments.

I talked about praying "Hallelujah" and "Immanuel". I finished with that. I told them that my heart as I was thinking and praying about what to share with them was really that God would be glorified - that they would see as clearly as I do His hands guiding and shaping my life. I talked about the moments when God asked me to pray hallelujah or immanuel when it seemed least appropriate - as someone was dying, as another friend was in pain. But God keeps asking me, reminding me of these two words - Hallelujah - glory to God, and Immanuel - God with us. Glory to God. God with us. Glory to God in the midst of the messy places He has asked me to inhabit, because it is there that God is with us.

My heart is for the glory of God. I have fallen in love with Him and I'm never going back. I want to close this post with a portion of scripture I read as I finished last night. I started memorizing this Psalm as a desperate plea for God to hear sometime last spring. And now, a year later, I have come back to it, because God heard.

Psalm 116
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."
How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.
O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.