Not Alone

I've sat down to write this post several times in the last couple of weeks, and the timing has never seemed quite right. But, as I've been reflecting on the events of the last week, it seems like the timing to write out these thoughts might be now.

I woke up this morning and the first thought that crossed my brain (after the "I can't believe I slept that rough again!" thought) was, "Wow. A lot has happened in the last week."

And it's true. Last Tuesday I spoke for an hour and a bit, telling a chunk of my life story, sharing how God has been working and how I've fallen in love with Him again. And that night was also a breakthrough of sorts, a taking back of ground moment, because the place in which I was asked to speak these things is not a place that has traditionally been at all safe for that kind of expression. In fact, it has been a place where I have felt incredibly silenced, hidden and inadequate. But God was so faithful, and I came away from it with such peace and joy.

I moved on through the week, working some shifts at the Bay, going for a few more job interviews, and attending the conference.

Ah, yes, the conference. It was a good experience - something powerful but also quite fuzzy in my mind. But God was there, powerfully at times. Saturday in particular. I admit to finding it almost scary how powerfully He was there. I remember at one point Saturday night, as I was laying on my face, crying, my whole left side shaking and trembling, with a good friend holding me and praying over me, thinking, "God, I want more, but I'm also afraid. Take that fear..."

But perhaps, the biggest thing that was played out in tangible ways in my life over the course of the last week was a message that God has been speaking for the past several weeks, that I have struggled, and still struggle at times to absorb. "You are not alone."

Because I have felt very alone in a number of arenas of my life. I have felt terribly alone as I have journeyed with a couple of really broken friends, praying, supporting, caring for them. I have felt terribly alone in facing some of my own wounds. I have felt terribly alone as I have sought deeper understanding of these new and seemingly weird things God has been doing in my life over the course of the last six months.

Probably two or three weeks ago now, my friend Kari sent me an email. She said that she had been sitting at her piano, playing and praying, and God brought me to her mind. She said she had prayed a Jason Upton song for me, gave me a couple of the lyrics, and the name of the CD it was found on. I looked up the rest of the lyrics, and went out and bought the CD. I've been listening to it nearly every day since.

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lays down
The live together in a whole new town
They're calling me and they're calling you
From the cold hard facts that we're on our own
To the age old truth that we're not alone

Don't be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory's on the other side
You're not alone you're not alone

I have laid in bed nearly every night for the last couple weeks and listened to Jason Upton sing the words God was trying so hard to get me to hear. But there was an event over the course of the weekend that God used to tangibly demonstrate this message.

I attended the conference with a good friend from a very conservative background. She was somewhat concerned about attending this particular conference, and made that quite clear to me. On the Friday night, she left the conference spitting mad. She was so angry it was hilarious, and we talked for quite some time in her car about the events of the evening. On Saturday, I knew once again that she was struggling. She shared a little bit of the struggles with some others over the lunch break, and in the afternoon two women from our community came to her and asked to pray for her. But it was the evening session where things finally got a bit crazy. I knew that I needed to sit with one particular friend for the session. I didn't know why, just that I needed to be there. That means that I left my "angry" friend on her own. And then stuff started happening, and I was worried about my friend and what she was thinking, but couldn't go to her because I was focusing my attention on the friend I was sitting with. And then, suddenly I was on my face, and I definitely couldn't go to my friend. But here's the thing - someone else from our community could and did. One of the women who had prayed for her in the afternoon saw what was going on, and immediately went to her.

And afterwards, God just spoke to me again about how I didn't have to carry the burdens of all of my friends alone. I honored where He was asking me to be, and He provided for the situation where I could not be. He used this woman from our community to minister to my friend in a way I couldn't have. And because of it, He worked in both my life, and the life of the friend who I couldn't be with. Driving home with her was such a totally opposite experience that night. She was bubbling joy - overflowing with an experience of freedom.

They're calling me and they're calling you
From the cold hard facts that we're on our own
To the age old truth that we're not alone.

Don't be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory's on the other side
You're not alone you're not alone.