Slightly smooth...

I'm feeling likes things are a bit smoother right now.

After the latest trip to the new place, I'm feeling much calmer about the move - like it's far more in hand than I thought.

A shower helped, and plugging in my noise cancellation headphones and curling up on the couch with my laptop, some emails, a game, and a few episodes of M*A*S*H*.

And, I did decide to go with my dad to the airport a bit later tonight to pick up my brother. I'm needing that normalcy still.

Then, hopefully, a restful night of sleep for a change, and on into the rest of the days in my crazy schedule to come.

Whirlwind

I feel like I'm living a bit in the midst of a whirlwind of change, and movement and transition just at the moment, and that's not something I'm coping with well. This is the ugly side of me. I'm working on it, and I'm better than I used to be (those of you who've seen or talked with me this week are wondering now how bad it used to be!). I know in my head that all of these things are well in hand. That we're organized, and that the move will likely go smoothly. My head is having a great deal of trouble convincing the rest of me, and I'm living in a massively speeded up world because of it.

But, just to give you a glimpse, here's some of what I've got going on for the next week and a bit:

First, because we have an out of province person in to do some work with our accounting department at work this week, I've been mostly covering my own lunch hours. Which means I'm not really getting a break in the middle of the day. No chat with a good friend who usually shares the lunch coverage of the phones with me. No relocating to her office for half of the lunch hour. And just a few frantic trips out to pick up something to eat, in 15 minutes or less so that I can get back to covering the phones.

Tonight my mom is coming over and we're taking another load (two vehicles full this time) of belongings to our new apartment. Then I'll likely come home and do a bit more packing, and carrying things that will need to be moved up from the basement.

Quite late tonight my brother and his girlfriend arrive home from a trip to visit her family. I don't have to go to the airport, but I think I may join my dad to pick them up, as I could desperately use a bit of a normalcy break. I'd like to do something, even just for a little bit, that doesn't revolve around packing and moving and transitioning.

Tomorow night is my dad's birthday dinner. So I'll be there, and then I'll be back at my current house, boxing the things in our kitchen so that we're ready for the major move on Saturday.

Saturday is the big move. If it's done in time, I'm desperately hoping to go to church. I'm longing to be around other believers.

Sunday I'm going someplace, at least for a few hours, by myself, to have a conversation with God, and get the divorce that I mentioned earlier this week. I'm actually hoping that the move will have gone very smoothly, and I'll be able to take most of the day for this. I'm not sure right now, given how the last few days have gone, how my panic levels and energy levels have been, that I'll be up to going to the spot I'd really like to, but I'm hoping for that.

Monday will bring the return of work, and in the evening settling in to our new house.

Tuesday will look pretty much like Monday.

Wednesday I'm off work for Canada Day. I have an installer coming sometime between 8 and 10 in the morning (who I have to refuse at the door - LONG STORY) to solve our internet and telephone and television issues. That day will also likely see the bulk of the unpacking work around the house.

Thursday and Friday will be much like Monday and Tuesday - work, and unpacking and cleaning.

Somewhere in there I also need to get out and accomplish some errands: groceries, a wedding gift, the bank, insoles for a couple of pairs of shoes, basic toiletry needs.

Saturday morning I'm driving to a city three hours north with my brother, to take in my roommate J's wedding. T and Dad are driving back Saturday night, while mom and I will be staying in the city for the wedding reception.

Sunday brings the three hour drive home, and then, quite likely, collapse.

I think the evenings and weekend that will follow all of that will finally bring the desperately needed down-time.

So, I'm living in the midst of the whirlwind, and doing my level best to stay upright. As opposed to previous times, I have in fact managed to eat something three times a day each day. This means that I have slightly more energy to offer than previous years. I did get a few hours of sleep last night before the tormenting started. That helps too. I wasn't too proud to admit that I need help and phone mom to ask her to pray. That's kind of a big step. My head knows, even if the rest of me doesn't, that I'm going to survive all of this, and be just fine, and that the move is well in hand. Usually I can't even convince my head of that. AND, I'm trying to find ways to inject just the tiniest bit of normalcy (like going to the airport tonight to greet my brother). That will hopefully help too.

Untitled

My thoughts are all over the place still.

Fairly late last night I realized that I wasn't having any success slowing my racing mind and spirit, calming them, in the hope that I could sleep. I phoned my mom, and broke down again. I phoned her and asked her to pray for me. I needed to hear someone's voice, talking to Jesus on my behalf. Mom wouldn't always be my first choice for that, but the pickings around me are slim these days, and she is reliable in her willingness to care for me in that way.

It helped a little. For the first four or five hours of the night I mostly slept. The time after that was a bit more challenging. I spent a lot of time tossing and turning, quoting scripture or old hymns as the panic, fear and voices encroached.

The last time I woke, I was choking and dry heaving. Some combination of the encroachment of the fear and the fact that I'm still struggling with this cold and my throat had completely dried out overnight, plus my sinuses had begun to drain. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat leaning against the bathtub, waiting to be able to breathe again, for the moment to pass, before returning to bed to await the beginning of the day.

I suspect that I was thrashing in my sleep again, too. Upon waking I discovered a deep purple bruise, about the size of a nickel, on my left knee. It wasn't there when I went to bed last night. I often wake with bruises that can't be explained, particularly along the left side of my body, but they're usually the shallow, yellowy-green sort that fade after a few days. This new one is quite and purplely-blue, and seems to still be coming to it's full color.

I'm listening to a recording of a long list of classic hymns. I was raised on these, and my affinity for the deep beauty of their lyrics and melodies has never faded. I'm particularly enjoying this particular recording by Jon Buller and friends.

I also watched this again this morning. A dear friend sent it to me the other night, chuckling at the timing given the rather challenging conversation we were having that day. I needed to hear it again this morning, and suspect I'll play it once or twice more before the day is out.

The fluctuations of my body temperature tell me that I'm likely still running a fever. I'm watching my newest piercing closely, as it's showing signs of trying to develop an infection in the midst of this week where my immune system seems to be refusing to function.

And with that, I must re-direct my attention to other matters! Until later...

Exhausted and Wound Up.

I'm completely exhausted. My body is shouting at me to stop moving.

My brain isn't having anything to do with that idea.

There are a thousand things running through my head, packing that has to be done, the thousand and one errands that must be accomplished. The process of settling into the new place. The slight shortage of able bodies to carry furniture on the weekend.

I'm making myself stop for a few minutes. Just sit, check emails, watch a bit of M*A*S*H*, play a game on my laptop for a minute.

Then I'll head back to bedroom, pack a bit more and eventually go to bed.

I'm praying for a quiet mind and heart as I fall asleep tonight... and for the ability to sleep in the midst of everything going on.

On My Mind...

It is my prayer that as I continue to journey through life, my body will learn that it doesn't need to freak out every time we come up against a week or two that are more stressful than normal. Because my body freaking out doesn't exactly reduce the stress level if you know what I mean.

I'm thankful these days that I can recognize many of the symptoms as stress reactions, and ignore them as much as possible. That I can remind myself that this is how my body tends to respond to stress. (These days that is meaning that I'm forcing myself to eat inspite of a dramatically decreased appetite, and a certain degree of nausea.)

I'm still fighting off the terrible cold that kept me home in bed for most of the day on Monday. The sore throat lingers, and the sneezing and constant nose blowing are enough to drive a person batty.

I'm not sleeping properly again (so what else is new when I'm stressed), and the neck and shoulder problems I aggravated about three weeks back are still causing daily headaches.

And yet, somehow, today, I'm coping.

We take possession of our new apartment tonight, and will take the first load of boxes over. We'll also likely take a load or two of boxes tomorrow night, doing everything we can to minimize the amount of loads and moving required for the major move on Saturday, when all of our furniture will move to the new house, and we'll officially be living there.

Unfortunately, because of the debacle with my internet/telephone/television provider that I mentioned on Monday (and let me just say it again, in case you missed it - DON'T EVER get Telus TV), we won't have telephone or internet access in our new home until Wednesday, July 1st. A fact I find incredibly frustrating due to the nature of my conversation with Telus on Monday, but hey... It's only four or five days, right? (Is it terrible that I'm hoping I can pick up an open wireless signal somewhere in our building? If not, I'll likely be making the occasional evening trip to Starbucks to keep up on my emails.)

Tonight I'll also be making a trip to the library (my roommate has books to return) and to the bank, and to some sort of store (any store really) to pick up a roll or two of packing tape. Oh, and after we take a load of boxes and stuff over to the new place, I'll also be spending a bit of time progressing on the packing in our old place.

I'm not actually stressed about the process of moving. At the moment I'm feeling like we have that well in hand. I think I'm simply reacting to the stress of transition. I think I've told this story here before, but I had an adventure-loving friend once ask me, "Don't you ever just feel like you have to get out of your comfort zone?" My answer? A resounding, "NO!" Usually, many months after the transition, I begin to be grateful for it. But mostly, I'm not a fan. I like a pretty staid, boring, routine life. It makes me happy. And so, last night, I was awake much of the night, with the thoughts of transition running through my head.

Like I said, these days I'm thankful that I can recognize the fears and lies. That I can identify them. And I'm praying for the day when they simply won't be there anymore.