okay, so... church this morning was.... interesting...
feeling confused at the moment, frustrated, uncertain...
they thanked our family for the example we've been over the years... I hope everyone had their eyes closed during that moment of prayer... I'm pretty sure my face would have betrayed me at that moment... lots of pastor's kid frustration buried in that word "example"....
working to receive the other things they prayed, beautiful, sincere, thankful things... feeling like they're getting lost in the conflicted stuff having to do with my feelings having to do with being a pastor's kid, with resentment over being made an example for so many years...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
thinking about church again
So here's a realization I woke up with this morning, one that kind of unnerves me given that I've spent the week putting posts from Henri Nouwen on my blog, telling me why I need to love the church.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
park
Late last night I sat in front of a computer screen with two questions on it:
What worked this week?
What didn't work this week?
I spent probably 40 minutes, thinking and praying carefully through my last week, and evaluating what had been life-giving, and what had been life-taking, and as I thought and prayed, I wrote it down.
I've known since early in the week that it would be good to find the time to head for the park I often go to to think and pray. I've known I needed that time away from distractions, but I haven't been able to find it.
I love Saturday mornings. I sleep in a bit (usually 8-8:30ish - an hour and a half or two hours longer than I sleep the rest of the week) and then I generally get up and spend time with Jesus in my living room, quietly, before my roommate (who sleeps in quite a bit longer) gets up. I knew, though, that I needed the park time this week, so I checked with my roommate last night to make sure it was okay, and arranged to use her car (to save me walking to the bus, waiting for the bus, taking the bus, then reversing the process at the other end) for this time before she wakes up, and I'm headed for the park now.
I have a busy weekend ahead, and need this hour or so alone with Jesus.
See you later!
What worked this week?
What didn't work this week?
I spent probably 40 minutes, thinking and praying carefully through my last week, and evaluating what had been life-giving, and what had been life-taking, and as I thought and prayed, I wrote it down.
I've known since early in the week that it would be good to find the time to head for the park I often go to to think and pray. I've known I needed that time away from distractions, but I haven't been able to find it.
I love Saturday mornings. I sleep in a bit (usually 8-8:30ish - an hour and a half or two hours longer than I sleep the rest of the week) and then I generally get up and spend time with Jesus in my living room, quietly, before my roommate (who sleeps in quite a bit longer) gets up. I knew, though, that I needed the park time this week, so I checked with my roommate last night to make sure it was okay, and arranged to use her car (to save me walking to the bus, waiting for the bus, taking the bus, then reversing the process at the other end) for this time before she wakes up, and I'm headed for the park now.
I have a busy weekend ahead, and need this hour or so alone with Jesus.
See you later!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday night...
A friend paid my home the highest compliment I could ever ask for the other night. A friend with a great deal of spiritual discernment. She said, "I like your house. It's peaceful. I feel the Lord's presence here." That's been my prayer for this place since we moved in... That Jesus would be present in my home to all those who enter it.
I hadn't really thought about that comment until I walked into my front door tonight.
There's something about atmosphere that either adds clarity or confusion. I've been really sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere in various places lately - it's a new thing for me, and is taking some getting used to. I've also been picking up the emotions of other people - beginning to feel them. I sort of tend to forget that these things have been affecting me because it's so new...
I walked in my front door tonight, and my whole mood changed.
I realized quite suddenly that some of the things that made my day feel completely miserable, were not actually mine... some of the hopeless and despair, the anger and frustration that had descended belonged to some of the people I work with, and to the atmosphere. So I spent a large portion of my day, exhausted, frustrated, angry, fighting off things that weren't even mine.
Let's just say that I'm really, really glad to be home for the evening.
I rented several episodes of "Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip". I love Aaron Sorkin's writing. I love his idealistic characters. I love the fast and witty dialogue.
I have books nearby - approximately the same titles I listed in my post last night. I've lit candles, I'm going to make tea pretty soon. I'm going to eat a mandarin, and I'm going to rest for an evening.
I hadn't really thought about that comment until I walked into my front door tonight.
There's something about atmosphere that either adds clarity or confusion. I've been really sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere in various places lately - it's a new thing for me, and is taking some getting used to. I've also been picking up the emotions of other people - beginning to feel them. I sort of tend to forget that these things have been affecting me because it's so new...
I walked in my front door tonight, and my whole mood changed.
I realized quite suddenly that some of the things that made my day feel completely miserable, were not actually mine... some of the hopeless and despair, the anger and frustration that had descended belonged to some of the people I work with, and to the atmosphere. So I spent a large portion of my day, exhausted, frustrated, angry, fighting off things that weren't even mine.
Let's just say that I'm really, really glad to be home for the evening.
I rented several episodes of "Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip". I love Aaron Sorkin's writing. I love his idealistic characters. I love the fast and witty dialogue.
I have books nearby - approximately the same titles I listed in my post last night. I've lit candles, I'm going to make tea pretty soon. I'm going to eat a mandarin, and I'm going to rest for an evening.
Lisa is...
I love the "status" function on facebook... it's become a game to me to come up with some sort of either blunt or cryptic sentence describing my state of being at the moment I'm writing it.
Here are some possibilities for right now (you'll have to look me up on facebook to see what I choose!)
Lisa is needing a night of sleep without dreams.
Lisa is getting paid to kill trees (death by photocopying) this week.
Lisa is experiencing a great deal of sudden onset work stress. (Because just at this moment I am!)
Lisa is extraordinarly glad that it is already half-way through the Friday work day.
Lisa is suddenly completely spent - mentally, emotionally physically, spiritually.
Lisa is feeling like crying.
Here are some possibilities for right now (you'll have to look me up on facebook to see what I choose!)
Lisa is needing a night of sleep without dreams.
Lisa is getting paid to kill trees (death by photocopying) this week.
Lisa is experiencing a great deal of sudden onset work stress. (Because just at this moment I am!)
Lisa is extraordinarly glad that it is already half-way through the Friday work day.
Lisa is suddenly completely spent - mentally, emotionally physically, spiritually.
Lisa is feeling like crying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
