Still Being Spoken

I've talked here before, and quoted from Robert Benson's "The Echo Within".  It's the book on calling that I picked up in Michigan, on the way home from Ontario, after I'd lost my job.  It's the book that shaped, to some extent, the process of discernment that led me to choosing this journey towards nursing.  And it's the book that inspired my thoughts on being "duckless."

I was flipping through this marvelous little book again the other morning, and came across the following two bits.

"We are, said Bob Mulholland, 'an incarnate word, spoken by God, still being spoken by God.'  And because we are still being spoken, the questions we have about calling, are, in part, questions about listening for the incarnate word whispered into us.  They are questions about learning to open up to and becoming the word that was whispered into us.  And is still being whispered into us." (pg. 13)

"Somewhere deep inside of me, perhaps in the truest and most holy part of me - the part of me that is the most me there is or ever will be - there is an echo of the Voice that spoke me into being and is still speaking the incarnate word who is Robert.  If I can learn to recognize that Voice, I may also learn to trust it." (pg. 14)

These two bits struck deeply as I pondered the last week or two.  It's been a swirl of reminders to trust, and a swirl of moments where trusting felt like clinging for dear life, with white knuckles and gritted teeth.

One of those moments involved finances, and working. 

I turned down a job offer the other day.  Not because I thought I'd dislike the job (I was pretty sure I wouldn't).  Not because the pay was poor (though it was.)  But because deep inside me, as I'd been pondering the whole "part-time work while in school this summer" situation, as I'd been praying, I'd reached the conviction that this summer needed to be about focusing on my studies and about rest.  That it was to be a time of recovery from the stresses of some major life challenges and of the toxic environment in which I worked for the last three years.  That it was time to rest, to heal, to be restored, to find health again.

Sounds good, right?

And practically, I'm financially okay to do this.  I'm even financially okay to not work a bit longer than that if nothing pops up immediately in September.

My head and heart sort of agree on this.  It's a good decision, one that I believe is God's leading.

But as soon as I made it, I descended into panicky sobs.

Because, you see, fear plays a role, too.

And in turning down a job I opened a deep fear - that there wouldn't be something else.  That being dismissed from my last job was actually a statement of my worth.  That clearly I didn't have value as an employee, and that was why I'd been fired.

It didn't really matter in that moment that I knew that none of those things were true.  In that moment I could list other examples for you.  Examples like losing a job during the depression years, basically because I wasn't "perky" enough. 

It didn't even matter in that moment that my heart could also recognize this as a wound that God was offering to heal if I would choose to trust again in his timing, his leading, his provision.

All I could really acknowledge was the fear, and the latent grief over the way my job came so suddenly to an end.  And I cried for a long time.  Then I forced myself to sit with a journal, and acknowledge "out loud" all of the things I was feeling.

And then I started reminding myself of all the reasons and confirmations along the journey, as I started this summer path of studying and resting.  As I started walking this new direction towards nursing.

And I thought of these lines from Benson, about trusting the voice that is speaking.  And about a word that is still being spoken.  My life is still being spoken, and it's being spoken by One whom I am increasingly able to trust.  One who's loving care and direction is something I see increasingly, and increasingly find rest in.

"Somewhere deep inside of me, perhaps in the truest and most holy part of me - the part of me that is the most me there is or ever will be - there is an echo of the Voice that spoke me into being and is still speaking the incarnate word who is Lisa.  If I can learn to recognize that Voice, I may also learn to trust it" (Benson, with a change of name to personalize for me.)

I am still being spoken.  And that, my friends, is one of the most comforting thoughts that I've encountered in quite some time.

Daily 5 - Day 338

Today's Daily 5:

1. actually managed to sleep in... (probably because I stayed at mom and dad's last night)
2. novel reading
3. going to a movie (How to Train a Dragon - so good) with mom and dad
4. laughter
5. turkey burgers

From Richard Rohr

Today's meditation from Richard Rohr was stunning, and I wanted to share it in it's entirety here:

Question of the Day:
What struggles have given me a deeper insight
into the workings of the Holy Spirit?

The best thing that I can possibly do as a teacher/preacher is to help people to recognize and trust their own deeper spiritual intuitions.  I am convinced this is what we would call the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit.  We are not alone; guidance is always being offered. 

My great disappointment in so much of institutional religion is that I don’t think it helps people to trust their deeper spiritual intuitions.  So often it appears to be doing a non-stop flight over all of that.  Often we give people answers to questions they have not yet struggled with or suffered for.  So the answers that they finally have are not deeply understood or deeply felt.  They are not their own answers, and are forgotten easily.

(Richard Rohr, "The Authority of Those Who Have Suffered")

~~~

It feels odd to post a critique of institutional religion. I'm probably the biggest proponent of the organized church that I know.  And I don't particularly care what form it takes, either.  I've met Jesus powerfully at mass, and in a crazy charismatic church, and in a home church, and sitting in the dark in a car with a friend.  I feel strongly that each one of those moments, and everything in between encompasses the body of Christ.

That said, Rohr's words hit me strongly.  Because I've had people offer me answers to questions I didn't know I had, and they weren't my answers.  I needed to go through a lot of painful experiences to have answers to those questions.  I wrote, in one way or another, about some of those experiences here, here, and here over the last week.  I'm grateful for those experiences, and for the answers that came in the midst of suffering.

They've changed the way I pray.  Though I prefer to be left alone at times to simply live out my own "mysteries of faith", my nature is to fix it.  Quick answers.  "Easy" solutions.  Box that problem up into manageable sizes.  I've learned to really value the friends who ask me to listen for my own spiritual intuition (as Rohr puts it).  And I'm learning to emulate them as I walk with others through hard parts of their journeys.

Daily 5 - Day 337

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing over a text message exchange with a friend from my house church who was going sky-diving today
2. Actually managing to sleep in a little
3. A mellow day, some studying and reviewing for midterms next week, and a bunch of housework, but also resting.  Thankful for that - a day where the important stuff got finished, but rest was also involved.
4. Reading a novel I've read in the past and always enjoyed, and knowing it's only the second in a series of about seven, all of which are great reads.
5. coming across the "Value Tales" books on the shelves at mom and dad's.  thinking I'm going to have to spend some revisiting all of those wonderful, short biographies of incredible people, written to instill specific values and character traits in kids.  Seriously, these are some of the most wonderful kids books around if you can get your hands on them.

Before You're 30

In less than a month I'll be hitting my 27th birthday.

Last week I came across this article by Jason Boyett at Relevant Magazine's website.  9 Things To Know Before You're 30.

I read through the list and had to smile.  Some of those lessons I wish I'd learned in my early twenties.  For one or two I'm still paying the price-tag of the lesson.  And some, to me, seem to just be slowly coming naturally as I'm open to God working in my life and as I'm growing and changing as a person as well.

My question is this - what lessons do you wish you had learned earlier?  is it one on the list, or something totally different?  what's the best lesson you've learned?