Ash Wednesday

And so Lent begins again.

It's a season I love and hate sort of equally.

For me it tends to be one of the deepest seasons of the liturgical year.  The most significant. 

It also tends to be one of the most painful.

It feels odd to wake this morning and not be fasting.

I've always fasted from something during Lent.

This year is different, though.

303 days ago I rather forcefully came face to face with the fact that the immense stresses and challenges of my life had essentially led to the development of an eating disorder.  I'd lost around 25 pounds, rarely ate more than one meal and a few snacks a day, and it wasn't unusual for the nausea I was experiencing to get out of control, and for me to go several days without eating at all.

So, I started counting, and tracking.  For 303 days I've been faithful in taking a large number of supplements to restore the things I'd depleted in my body.  And for 303 days, I've eaten three consistent meals a day.

I would normally do a juice fast at least once a week during Lent.

That's not an option this year.

I need to eat three times a day to make it possible to take the supplements that manage my energy levels and anxiety issues.

I thought about giving up chocolate, and I may yet do something along those lines.  But this year as I prayed through that thought, the feeling that came was that I would be "fasting" simply for the sake of doing something, rather than because I'd been led to it.

I talked earlier this week about the in-between.  I'm trying conciously not to rush that process.  Not to jump to the next thing, even when it is clearly in sight, but to be patient in the waiting.

It's not easy.

And so Lent begins, and I am waiting, listening, praying.

Daily 5 - Day 188

Today's Daily 5:

1. Passed the 300 day mark a couple days back for some food and health related goals.  300 days straight of eating three meals a day.  That's pretty significant considering it had almost never happened in the previous two years, and that many of those days, I was so ill from stress that one meal was a big accomplishment.
2. Mom and Dad took J., my aunt from Wisconsin who's in town right now, my roommate L, and I out for Mexican food tonight.  I really like Mexican food.  So much so that I ate 5 of the 6 little tacos on my plate.  And then I brought the leftovers home for lunch tomorrow.  Is it weird that I really enjoy refried beans?  We grew up eating homemade Mexican, and I've always enjoyed it, so it's a treat when we get to go to this particularly good, relatively authentic local Mexican restaurant and really enjoy a meal.
3. Laughing with J and L as J drove us home.   Though J and I are about as opposite as siblings could be, I'm growing to really appreciate a lot of things about him over the last while, and I consider that a blessing.
4. Mom and Dad brought me a bunch of flyers and newspaper that I can use for packing all the breakable stuff around my bedroom.  Grateful for family that helps with stuff like that.
5. In bed by a decent time.  Going to watch a little bit of olympic curling online, and then head for sleep.  (I may hate hockey, but I really enjoy watching curling - that must qualify me as truly Canadian, right???)

Disconcerting

On the list of things I'm finding disconcerting lately:

Dreaming about someone with whom I have a relatively distant relationship, and very little contact with, and then having them pop randomly up in my facebook newsfeed later that same day.

It's happened twice recently.  So very odd.

Great Stuff from Henri

A few more quality tid-bits from Henri Nouwen have collected in my inbox again, and I thought I'd take the chance to share them with you today.

Returning to God's Ever-Present Love


We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.

God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love.

Celebrating Being Alive


Birthdays are so important. On our birthdays we celebrate being alive. On our birthdays people can say to us, "Thank you for being!" Birthday presents are signs of our families' and friends' joy that we are part of their lives. Little children often look forward to their birthdays for months. Their birthdays are their big days, when they are the center of attention and all their friends come to celebrate.

We should never forget our birthdays or the birthdays of those who are close to us. Birthdays keep us childlike. They remind us that what is important is not what we do or accomplish, not what we have or who we know, but that we are, here and now. On birthdays let us be grateful for the gift of life.

Seeing the Beauty and Goodness in Front of Us


We don't have to go far to find the treasure we are seeking. There is beauty and goodness right where we are. And only when we can see the beauty and goodness that are close by can we recognize beauty and goodness on our travels far and wide. There are trees and flowers to enjoy, paintings and sculptures to admire; most of all there are people who smile, play, and show kindness and gentleness. They are all around us, to be recognized as free gifts to receive in gratitude.

Our temptation is to collect all the beauty and goodness surrounding us as helpful information we can use for our projects. But then we cannot enjoy it, and we soon find that we need a vacation to restore ourselves. Let's try to see the beauty and goodness in front of us before we go elsewhere to look for it.

The Meal That Makes Us Family and Friends


We all need to eat and drink to stay alive. But having a meal is more than eating and drinking. It is celebrating the gifts of life we share. A meal together is one of the most intimate and sacred human events. Around the table we become vulnerable, filling one another's plates and cups and encouraging one another to eat and drink. Much more happens at a meal than satisfying hunger and quenching thirst. Around the table we become family, friends, community, yes, a body.

That is why it is so important to "set" the table. Flowers, candles, colorful napkins all help us to say to one another, "This is a very special time for us, let's enjoy it!"

The Intimacy of the Table


The table is one of the most intimate places in our lives. It is there that we give ourselves to one another. When we say, "Take some more, let me serve you another plate, let me pour you another glass, don't be shy, enjoy it," we say a lot more than our words express. We invite our friends to become part of our lives. We want them to be nurtured by the same food and drink that nurture us. We desire communion. That is why a refusal to eat and drink what a host offers is so offensive. It feels like a rejection of an invitation to intimacy.

Strange as it may sound, the table is the place where we want to become food for one another. Every breakfast, lunch, or dinner can become a time of growing communion with one another.

Worth Reading

A number of blog posts worth checking out today:

Donald Miller's latest post "Following God and Farming" is here.

Today's cartoon at the Naked Pastor hit close to home.  I've definitely felt like that at times.

Anne Jackson's last post from Haiti is here.