A few headlines

It's been a while since I've posted any headlines here, but these two articles are catching my attention today:

Ottawa Area Child Dies After Running Into Burning House
(This family is in my prayers today.)

Ted Kennedy's Quiet Catholic Faith

Settled Within Myself

I'm feeling settled today.

Anticipating the things to come, but settled, at peace within myself.

I'm not really sure how to explain it.

I guess I could tell you that there have been times during this incredibly difficult last year and a half where I have been quite convinced that the character of God was something less than good, and that my life had become some sort of great conspiracy of suffering. For every moment that seemed beautiful, every decision that seemed healthy, there were always immediate set backs. The moments colored by pain. The decisions marked by a falling or stumbling backwards into the mire.

I went through a lot of anger, and, in some ways it took me a long time to admit that I was absolutely furious with this God I'd tried to serve in obedience. Where was he as my life was falling apart because of a decision I'd thought (and am still convinced) was one made in obedience to something he'd called me to? I had a certain sense of entitlement in the promises of scripture that blessing comes through obedience, and I was furious that instead of blessing I seemed to be encountering only destruction.

I've struggled often with frustration over the way I pass so many nights. Over an inability to sleep. Over the dreams that I so often have. I think something within me had always assumed that when I was healed from depression sleep would now be mine. One of the things that marked the night I was healed was that, for the first time in probably five years, I'd slept for six straight hours without waking, and without nightmares. The getting to sleep thing, and the not dreaming thing hasn't panned out for me.

But today, I feel settled within myself.

I don't quite know how to describe the little shifts in mindset, or how those little things seem enormous to me. I'm not sure that it could be understood without having lived in my skin through the last year and a half, and maybe, particularly, through the last two months or so.

There are things that are encouraging to me.

Last night I was hungry. After dinner, and grocery shopping. I'm almost never hungry. My roommate was shocked. I was craving carbs and protein. I came home from grocery shopping, cooked a chicken breast, used it to fill a pita, added some lettuce and cucumber and mayo and enjoyed a second meal for the evening. I know from past experience that I only crave carbs and protein like that when I am in the midst of some sort of major transition in life - something that is requiring far more energy than my day to day diet is supplying.

There are other little shifts.

But mostly, I feel settled.

I don't feel right now that life is a conspiracy in ways to make me suffer.

I don't feel the anger that has defined so much of my life this last while.

I'm feeling hopeful again, moving forward towards new things and desires.

There are things in my life that I'm excited about again.

I'm planning a trip.

I'm learning about forgiveness.

I'm pondering choices, and thankful for experiences that are more fully letting me understand, from a different side entirely, some of the things God occasionally asks me to walk in.

I'm feeling a certain degree of acceptance of the way my nights go past. I'm grateful for the ones that are more peaceful, I'm learning to sort out which bits of dreams and moments of prayer need to be paid attention to, and I've discovered that they're far less exhausting if I take advantage of the hours in which I seem able to sleep, before the dreams begin, and far less exhausting if I simply choose to be okay with them, and figure out ways to cope and supplement my need for rest. (In my case this has meant learning to be okay with letting some things that would normally drive me crazy, be left undone in favor of a restful evening or weekend.)

I'm feeling settled within myself. And it's a really great feeling to have.

Daily 5 - Day 16

Today's five include:

1. The sense of accomplishment that comes from some legwork and research at work, that will end up saving the company probably close to 2 grand a year on our telecommunications needs, and receiving a compliment from my boss for discovering and pursuing this.
   
2. a much needed and very satisfying snack after grocery shopping
3. finding some time to catch up on journaling
4. having the energy to get through the day without feeling beat up, even after all the disturbed and short nights of sleep this week
5. a good customer service experience with our telephone/internet/television provider - this is an anomaly at times with this company, and a good experience is always one to be greatful for.
   

Solitude or Multitude

A quote that appeared recently on the calendar that sits on my desk at work:

It is an error to isolate oneself from men...If God does not call one to solitude, one must live with God in the multitude, make him known there, and make him loved.

Raissa Maritain

Odd sort of day

It's been an odd sort of day if the first time it hits me that I haven't stopped in at the blog to say something, anything really, is after noon.

Obviously today is that sort of day.

I was awake early. Too early. So early, in fact, that when I commented on a friend's facebook status, another friend replied with, "Lisa, why are you awake this early?"

The answer?

Explosive dreams.

Literally. Demolition. Fleeing for lives. And it's recurring and building on itself for a couple of days now. The last time a dream did that, it wreaked some serious havoc in my life. Some of the things that came from that one are still big giant question marks, while others still carry a sting.

It would be nice to understand these things I experience in the night. (Four days in a row again, not that I'm counting or anything...) But, these days I'm getting more and more used to the fact that this is my reality, that the nights for me are lively. That sometimes God speaks, and sometimes I encounter other things that are far less than "of God", and sometimes my brain is just so overloaded that it uses the night to process the events of the last days and weeks, but in some sort of bizarre way that I don't quite understand.

I was reflecting the other day, that if I ever do get married (something I'm in absolutely no hurry to have happen, if ever) it would be handy if my husband had the gift of dream interpretation. He'll also need to sleep like a dead person to weather my inability to sleep, but hey, dream interpretation and a supernatural gift of sleep - I'm not looking for much!

On the other hand, I was also asked yesterday, quite seriously by someone, if I'd ever considered becoming a nun. The answer to that question is also yes.

I spent the morning at the office doing all sorts of little tasks, and running out to do some errands - to deal with an errant cell phone, and to solve the crisis of coffee with no available cream or milk. (Does it seem funny to you that this is a crisis? It's funny to me. Perhaps because I don't drink coffee.)

I have probably a dozen more little tasks to tackle over the course of the afternoon.

I'm relishing the presence of a friend and coworker in the office right now. She's been away quite a bit lately, using up some vacation time, and the office is so much more bearable when she's there to share those moments of laughter AND those moments when you really must vent to someone or risk having your head explode.

Tonight is grocery shopping night at the soul-sucking mega store. But, I don't have to cook dinner before we shop. My roommate worked the early shift today, and will be home before I am (something that almost never happens) and will be doing the cooking. I think she's making some sort of thai beef red curry dish. I'm not a huge fan of curries, but I agreed to try this one. And, I really do need a grocery store trip - I'm nearly out of peanut m&m's, nearly out of toothpaste, and nearly out of the granola bars that seem to comprise my breakfast most of the time just currently.

And, with that, I'm off... time to get back to the list. Only a day and a half left until the weekend. For that I'm also incredibly thankful.