Trapped

Of all the things that stand out, as I look back over this crazy last week or so, here's the one thing that stands out the most.

My credit card was canceled this week.

Someone got my credit card number somehow, tried to charge some items that were over my limit, and mastercard security called me and canceled my card. I'll get a new card, sometime in the next week or so, but in the meantime, it's the temporary loss of the credit card that stands out to me.

Because I feel a bit trapped without it.

That little bit of space until my credit limit? That was my escape plan.

That was my "if things get really bad I'll just buy an airline ticket and run" plan.

Not that I would have run.

I tried the running from the things that weigh you down thing multiple times during the depression years. It never worked. You usually just end up alone, and scared, and without the support system that was making life somewhat liveable before you ran.

But not having an escape plan? That is making me feel trapped. Housebound. Stir-crazy.

It's making me feel like this space in life will never come to an end. It's terrifying me in some ways.

I feel trapped.

The rational part of my brain reminds me that credit is money that doesn't exist anyway. And that there is (a little) money in my bank account if I really needed to escape. And that really, in a few more days, I'll have a new credit card.

But in the meantime, I feel trapped in this spot. And wishing for an escape. (Even the non-running sort.)

Spring???

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I was feeling like my heart was caught in the sort of "Narnian" situation that Lucy first encountered when she stumbled through the wardrobe. "Always winter, but never Christmas." Lots of cold and ice and never the anticipation of celebration and spring and new life.

The first day of spring came and went on Friday, and for a rare change, the weather here seemed to cooperate. It offered out a teasing hope that perhaps, even in my cold and tired heart, spring might come.

Turns out the weather is a bit of a tease. Most of the snow was melted yesterday, and there was dry brown grass, waiting for sunshine to perk it up and turn it into the green of spring.

This is the view that greeted me when I looked out the front door this morning:


That, my friends, is about a foot of snow, which fell sometime between midnight or so last night and 8:30 this morning when I looked outside. Or at least 8 inches anyway. And it's still falling. It was over the top of my boots. It took me half an hour to brush George off, and I'd only driven about 10 minutes when I hit an icy patch, slid into a guard rail, mashed up the front driver's side of my bumper (though thankfully without damaging anything essential) and decided to turn around and come home.

So. Always winter...

And I am praying and waiting again for spring. I am clinging to the fact that even in the deep, still falling snow the sparrows and chickadees were singing, trying to announce a change of season to the heavens. I'm finding the tiniest bit of hope in that.

And now, I'm off to lay in a bath. I haven't quite recovered from the new onslaught of winter. And I haven't quite recovered from the onslaught of adrenaline from another car accident of sorts this morning. I'm cold, and feeling shaky again. So, I'm going to try and treat myself a bit gently, and just relax for a while.

More thoughts to come... there are blog posts brewing...

Saturday...

It's been a full day.

sort of.

I haven't had much energy these days, so being out for several hours feels like a full day to me!

My roommate L. and I went to the farmer's market this morning, and then to a local mall. We followed that up with a quick trip to a craft shop, and a stop at two grocery stores. We're not good at doing errands quickly. We get distracted because we window shop for the same things. What should have been a couple of hours of errands took close to five!

But we did have fun.

Then we came home, and had lunch at 3:00 or so.

Following which I went back to bed. A couple hours of napping, and I was ready for dinner.

We'd picked up a roasted chicken earlier, and L. was generous enough to make roasted potatoes, yam and carrots, and we settled in for dinner.

A bit later we're going out to see a dance performance that a friend of mine is part of at the university tonight.

I need to write a proper post later. There are things I'm thinking about. But for the moment, I'm tired, and I need to get dressed nicely to watch a dance show!

I Am Yours - Misty Edwards

Misty Edwards' music has been with me fairly constantly, speaking to and encouraging and challenging my heart through this year.

The lyrics, seen below, of this song, speak deeply to my heart right now.

They reflect the prayer of my heart:

And when you feel so far away, still I'm hear to say I am yours. I'm weary, and hungry, and longing and waiting, but I'm yours. No turning around. You called my name, and I'm yours. I vowed myself to You and I can't go back. So I'm waiting here again, for you to come, to bring freedom and healing.

I Am Yours (Misty Edwards)

Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
My heart it yearns

Though You're far away, still I'm here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours
And when You feel so far away, still I am here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours

And I've made my vows, no turning around
I burn the bridges that can't be found

For when I heard Your voice
And You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned
For You.

Spring

It's the first official day of spring today, and just for a change, the weather here has decided to give us a temporary reprieve and reflect that a bit.

I'm praying still for the coming of spring in my life, and in the lives of so many I care about.