Trapped

Of all the things that stand out, as I look back over this crazy last week or so, here's the one thing that stands out the most.

My credit card was canceled this week.

Someone got my credit card number somehow, tried to charge some items that were over my limit, and mastercard security called me and canceled my card. I'll get a new card, sometime in the next week or so, but in the meantime, it's the temporary loss of the credit card that stands out to me.

Because I feel a bit trapped without it.

That little bit of space until my credit limit? That was my escape plan.

That was my "if things get really bad I'll just buy an airline ticket and run" plan.

Not that I would have run.

I tried the running from the things that weigh you down thing multiple times during the depression years. It never worked. You usually just end up alone, and scared, and without the support system that was making life somewhat liveable before you ran.

But not having an escape plan? That is making me feel trapped. Housebound. Stir-crazy.

It's making me feel like this space in life will never come to an end. It's terrifying me in some ways.

I feel trapped.

The rational part of my brain reminds me that credit is money that doesn't exist anyway. And that there is (a little) money in my bank account if I really needed to escape. And that really, in a few more days, I'll have a new credit card.

But in the meantime, I feel trapped in this spot. And wishing for an escape. (Even the non-running sort.)