Wrapping Up "Heal"

My one word for 2011 was "heal".

It wasn't the word I'd initially thought I would choose, but it was the one my heart landed on on December 31, 2010, as I walked and prayed on my way to and from the passport office.

I was in a good place that day, and heal didn't seem intimidating.  It seemed perfect, really.

I was expecting to hear, either within days, or within months, that I was accepted into a nursing program.  What better word for the first year of nursing studies, I thought, than heal?

I was in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - riding the high of some changes and progress I'd made, heal seemed like the natural continuation of that high, of the victory I was experiencing after many months and years of a tiring fight.

The year didn't turn out quite like I thought it would.

Heal, it turns out, is not all victory and highs.  A lot of it is hard slogging.  A lot of it is tears, and work, surrender and sacrifices.

Nursing didn't work out like I expected.  I didn't start school in January, or September, as I thought I would.  It was a full year of waiting for that part of my journey of healing to happen.  I will start school and that much desired nursing program in 2012, a year whose word has yet to be determined.  The first rejection from the program hurt.  It was a shattering of dreams and expectations.  The second one hurt less so, perhaps from experience, perhaps because of the practical reality of knowing that very few people were accepted in that second application period.

And victory?  Well, changing relationships and tears and struggling are all more apt descriptors of the year.  Uncovering, digging, surrendering.  Yoga.  Chocolate.  Loving friends. Transitions. Knowing Jesus in new ways.  Hard choices.  Hard work.

And yet, as I stop today and recall the past year, I can tell you that it has been a year of healing.

I am healthier - physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I have made choices I never thought I would make and they have changed me, they have helped me heal.  I feel emotionally and spiritually stable in ways that I haven't in more than a decade.  I have friends who I have leaned on in some pretty challenging situations, and who I know I can trust with the messy parts of myself as readily as the tidy and together bits.  I know Jesus in new ways - in ways that convince me that He loves me more than I ever could have believed.  And more than that, I am growing to understand that I, myself, am worthy.  I'm learning that caring for myself, loving who Jesus has made me, is perhaps one of the most beautiful and profound gifts of healing that this year has offered.

The year of heal didn't turn out at all like I expected, but it has been a year that has moved me, and a year that has lived up to it's name.  I can't wait to see what word reveals itself for 2012, and the journey that that word will take me on.