Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 46

Today's Daily 5:

1. a bright blue horseshoe shaped neck pillow that I picked up while engaging in retail therapy at the dollar store late last week.  seriously, this thing is really helpful when you spend as much time propped in bed working on the computer as I do - it's really helping, especially since I continue to have neck problems from the car accidents and stress.
2. starting my day by spending nearly 2 hours on the phone with my former roommate, L, currently located in the UK, working.
3. giggling for a good portion of those two hours as we talked about all sorts of things both important and truly ridiculous
4. being reintroduced to all the "kiwi" terms I lived with for years.  words like "jandals" which just totally made me smile
5. a perfect, sunny fall day
6. taking back some ground
7. wearing a special Tibetan top that I probably hadn't worn in two years
8. marking some necessary but long procrastinated chores off of my to do list
9. getting a package of free product samples (including some stuff I'll totally use and had wanted to try) in the mail
10. actually buckling down and applying for some jobs
11. making progress catching up on emails
12. pausing and hearing God speak in the oddest of moments

Odd Sort of Day

I'm sitting at my parent's house, thinking I should probably eat some supper, and then head out the door.  It's Thursday and that means it's house church night.  It also means I need to make sure I leave mom and dad's by 6:00 for the train station, to take a train one stop north.  If I don't leave here by 6:00, I might miss my bus connection at the next station north.  Since the bus only runs a few times an hour, missing it would rather complicate my evening plans.

House church is being led tonight by "that person".  The one that every group seems to have.  The one that no one is quite sure what to do with.  It should be an interesting experience and likely provide either humorous venting, or just straight-up giggles on the ride home later tonight.

My day started well, with a phone call from my former roommate and very dear friend, L.  We talked for close to two hours, catching up on three weeks or so of life, and a myriad of details.  It was the kind of conversation I'm learning to look for and love.  One that covers all the really important stuff of each of our lives, but still leaves room for lots of giggles, chatting, and just generally joyful and interested conversation.  We cover the important things, but without the intensity that can sometimes be so painfully present.  Or maybe just without the side effects of that intensity.  Whatever it is, I'm trying to have more of those kinds of important conversations, and less of the ones that leave me exhausted, teary, and unable to think straight.  It seems healthier some how, to find ways to talk about the important things without them taking over the entirety of my being.  Without getting sick and being unable to eat.  With laughter interspersed with tears.

And then, eventually, reality hit.  It always does.  The "I don't quite know what to do, but should probably look for work, but don't know what kind of work to look for, because I don't know if I'm going to school in January, and don't know for sure when I'll know if I'm going to school in January" reality that is currently the defining factor in my days.  One of my goals for today was to send out some resumes - to at least make an effort at productivity and finding a source of income.  The only question was what sort of work to apply for given the current reality.  I applied for a number of part-time gigs that I'm at least interested in, if not excessively passionate about.  And I applied for one, a contract position, that would fit some assumed needs just perfectly (except that it would likely preclude an escape I'd hoped to make.)  This one is one I could excel at, and feel passionate about.

I have the middle of the day doldrums a lot these days.  That sense of wandering, lack of purpose that I don't quite know what to do with.  The sense of stagnancy and sometimes worry that comes with waiting on many, many fronts.   The doldrums come and they hang out, and they make me panic as I feel my mood swing.  And so I push them away, filling time and space.  And waiting, always waiting.

It's been an odd sort of day.  One with extremes, and things that were completely lacking in extremes.  One where the doldrums hit hard and I worried at things in my head the way a small dog "worries" a toy until it comes free.  Not my most stellar of days, though one with lots of little things checked off of lists, and a number of things to add to a daily 5 list at the end of the day.

Tomorrow is a chance to do this again.  To be busy, and productive.  To work on diet and supplements and all the little physical things that also help with the doldrums.  To fill my time.  To talk with Jesus.  To wait patiently, without the worrying.  I'll try again tomorrow, and celebrate the little victories of today.

Medieval Help Desk

This one has been floating around youtube for quite a while now, but it still makes me chuckle, and I had to share.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 45

Today's Daily 5:

1. Perusing the library and finding one of the books I added to my list yesterday
2. a new vocabulary word (inchoate: only partly in existence)
3. sitting and reading in the sun
4. New York Fries
5. people watching
6. coffee/lunch with a new friend
7. a hug from a long time friend
8. the fun of seeing a newly pregnant friend
9. sharing honestly
10. sitting and laughing and catching up in the sun at Olympic Plaza

A Really Good Response

I've been living in a hole, and avoiding news lately, so I haven't heard yet about whatever the latest church scandal that spurred this post at Stuff Christians Like, but I really appreciated the perspective it offered.

I had a conversation just the other day about how frustrated I get by Christians who can only see the bad in the church (or in the sphere of church that happens to exist outside their particular theological worldview.)  It almost physically pains me to hear that (though I've certainly been guilty of that and a certain cynicism as well.  In any case, I really appreciated the gracious challenge to the tendency to gossip about another high profile church scandal that Jon Acuff presented, and I wanted to make sure to link to it here so that you all could see it too!

Monopoly Pieces and Conversation (California Part 6)

I think the best part of my recent escape to California was simply the hours and hours of conversation.  It was seeing where Lisa lives and works, meeting her family and friends, and then hours and hours, through everything that we did, of sharing stories.  The stories we'd already shared by email and in blog posts took on new life now that they had a personality and voice attached to them.  And we talked and talked.

I'll be honest in saying that I was a bit apprehensive.  I'm not exactly known for taking risks, or handling new things very well, and, while two years of emailing had me convinced that I wasn't walking into some sketchy situation, I still wondered a little what it would be like to spend an entire week with someone I'd never met - how I'd handle that.  I was pretty sure I didn't need to worry too much, but I did still wonder.

I didn't need to worry.  I walked off the plane in San Diego and into a hug.  A hug that was repeated over and over through the week.  A hug that I'm definitely missing now that we're back in our separate CA's.

Because a huge part of my day to day reality is that the people with whom I share history - the people who are closest to my heart - all tend to live far away, time in person with someone like that is precious to me.  And, while Lisa and I admittedly didn't have in person history, two years of emails gave us a great base to work with.

And we talked for hours and hours.  In fact, one of the days that I smile the most at as the memory returns is the Sunday afternoon.  She had a giant bucket of the little metal monopoly markers (the dog, car, hat, etc.) that needed to be sorted for the Sunday School Talent store at her church.  After we got home from church that day, and ate lunch, we settled in to sort the thousands of pieces in the bucket.  A few of those tokens even made the trip home with me, and are sitting in a spot where I can see them easily, and be reminded of the fun, and serve as prayer reminders as well.  We passed a book (pictured below) back and forth that we'd been using as a jumping off point for conversations, each of us taking a turn picking a question that we'd both answer.  And we spent hours sorting monopoly tokens and sharing life and stories and laughter. 

And tears.  My life is admittedly raw right now, and tears have been frustratingly close to the surface for months.  Per usual, and initially to my embarrassment, they made themselves known rather frequently.  But there was such a blessing in sitting across from a friend whose eyes I could meet through the tears.  A friend who repeatedly gathered me into a hug when the tears flowed as I finished whatever story it was that had triggered them.  A friend who saw all the messy stuff and still saw me and welcomed me into her home and her life.  That was a gift of a value that I cannot even describe.  To simply be loved on, to be challenged to continue to seek healing, in a time where my heart was so longing to simply be seen and loved, to not be judged for being broken, but to be seen as valuable, and encouraged to continue to fight to heal.

I thought of that gift that Lisa gave to me when I read this quote from Richard Rohr last weekend after getting home:

I hope you’ve met at least one Kingdom person in your life. They are surrendered and trustful people. You sense that their life is okay at the core. They have given control to Another and are at peace, which paradoxically allows them to calmly be in control. A Kingdom person lives for what matters, for life in its deepest and lasting sense. There’s a kind of gentle absolutism about their life-style, an inner freedom. Kingdom people feel like grounded yet spacious people at the same time, the best of conservative and the best of progressive at the same time.

Kingdom people are anchored by their awareness of God’s love deep within them and deep within everyone else too. They happily live on a level playing field, where even God has come to “pitch his tent” (the literal translation of John 1:14).  (Richard Rohr)

I'm thankful for the gift of time with a friend who offered me a place to exist that felt "grounded yet spacious" for a week.  And that gift, as well as the promise that I will be welcomed again, the next time I need to escape, was truly a treasure that I'll hold onto in the coming weeks and months as I walk through some challenging new things.

I'll close with some pictures of our monopoly sorting adventure, and the book that fueled lots of great conversation throughout the week.

 see the size of the pieces in perspective against the bucket?

 part way through the sort

 see?  a whole coffee table full of monopoly pieces!

The book that fed our conversation.  Not all of the questions are ones I'd ever use, but the ones we did use were great conversation starters and I'm already pondering what sort of book of that nature I can pick up to spur further conversations the next time we're together in person!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 44

Today's Daily 5:

1. the sights and smells of my favorite tea shop in Kensington.  the smell of incense mixed with tea and other aromas, and lots of hippies.  totally tells me I'm in Kensington.
2. browsing for a few minutes in a bookshop that carries unique stuff, and adding several titles to check for at the library or on Amazon to my list
3. laughing over tea with a friend
4. going to my favorite bakery in Chinatown (Jing Jing Bakery on Centre Street if you're wondering)
5. getting home just in time to miss the surprise rain storm that came out of nowhere
6. walking through downtown on a relatively warm Indian summer day
7. spotting a "palm tree" growing outside downtown
8. getting a big hug from mom after surprising her with a coconut tart from the Chinese bakery
9. the little bit of happiness in my mouth after that first bite of the pork bun I detoured to the Chinatown bakery especially to purchase
10. the smell of a bakery
11. macdonalds comfort food for supper
12. skype and conversation and laughter with a friend tonight

Your Type Not Wanted

I loved this cartoon when it appeared on ASBO Jesus recently.

I'm a pastor's kid and I spent years as one of those question marks.  I also spent years working to conceal that I was one of those question marks.  I'll never forget some of the faces as I shared my testimony when I was baptised (by my dad) just weeks before my eighteenth birthday.  For the first time (and maybe the only time in that church), I talked about the fact that for the past six years I'd been asking major questions about my faith.  That I'd spent a lot of years pretty convinced that I didn't even want anything to do with this Christian thing.   That a church split that happened when I was ten had left me pretty convinced that most Christians were hypocrites and not people I wanted to know.  That I hated being a pastor's kid. And (though I'm not sure I actually said this in my testimony) that the only reason my butt was in a seat week after week for a lot of those years was that the rule in our house was that as long as we were under legal age (which is 18 here in Alberta) and living in mom and dad's house, on Sunday morning we would be in church.  There were a few pretty shocked faces as I shared.

Looking back I wonder if they would have been gracious about the questions.  But at the time, all I knew to do was hide them.  I hid them other places too, but mostly in church.  And these days, I meet people all the time who know what it's like to be "that type".  And I count it a privilege to stand up and tell them "me too" and I still love Jesus, and I know He loves me and welcomes me - questions and all.

Disneyland (California Part 5)

For nearly as long as I've known Lisa, I've known that she escapes to Disneyland in the same way that I escape to the Calgary Zoo to sit and visit with the gorillas.  She's also been telling me as long as we've been talking that Disneyland would be a must if I ever came to visit, and, once I actually booked plane tickets, I got a few emails telling me which specific day we would spend at Disneyland, based on her perusal of the Disney website and which rides would be open when.

I knew I'd absolutely enjoy spending a day at Lisa's favorite escape, but I'll admit here (and I admitted to her) that I was skeptical that a place known for people and crowds could actually be an escape for a more introverted, need time away from people, kind of person.  I just couldn't figure out how that would be an escape! 

It was!  It was a fantastic day, made all the more fun by Lisa's vast collection of knowledge about the park and how the "magic" actually happens.  I couldn't believe how time slid by, tried things I would have never tried if I wasn't with a friend I trusted, and generally had a great time.  I'll admit that when I closed my eyes that night, my dreams were spinning a little - as a first time experience it was perhaps almost overstimulating, but I'm eager to visit again and work past that feeling of overstimulation!

 The two of us together at the other Lisa's favorite escape.

 Hidden Mickey!

 Because the weather was - and the weather at home in Calgary that day involved snow!

 I was assured that one could not come to Disneyland for the first time and not meet Mickey.

 Because this cracked me up, and the sign somehow felt apropos for the state of my life lately!

 Mini Palm Tree, next to the miniature Agraba - Alladin's city.

This cracked me up, too.  This is a bird, in miniature London.  It gives a great sense of scale, no?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 43

Today's Daily 5:

1. thankful for a friend who was praying through some harder moments
2. honest conversation
3. a pear for breakfast at home
4. arriving at mom and dad's in time to get a fruit smoothie and a plate of their nicely cooked late Monday morning (their day off) breakfast to eat for my lunch
5. watching the season premiere of "The Amazing Race"  (I don't think I'd ever go on the show, but I love watching it, and that's saying something for someone who generally avoids reality television)
6. finding some unexpected things to giggle about
7. retail therapy at the dollar store.  a $15 spending spree that included purchases such as a neck pillow for traveling, a couple chocolate bars, and a kids art project.
8. getting lots of exercise walking to and from a few planned (and one unexpected) errands
9. an unexpected phone call that brought a smile
10. a friendly and helpful sales man at London Drugs tonight when my laptop power adapter gave up the ghost unexpectedly, rendering my laptop useless until it was replaced.  this gentleman made a couple of calls to confirm that though they didn't have the exact item I badly needed, an item they did have in stock was interchangeable.  he also helped me with the extended warranty - a good deal since it will cover the adapter for three years, and this is already the third adapter I've had in the life of this particular laptop.  clearly the power adapter construction is the one flaw in the Mac design.

San Diego de Alacala Mission (California Part 4)

One of my favorite stops was the first Franciscan mission established in Southern California.  I'm a sucker for history, and for places that have been dedicated to prayer for years and years.  There is a peace in those sorts of places that is striking to me and always moves me deeply.  That this particular mission was Franciscan and had images of Claire and Francis of Assisi, both saints that are a dear part of my heart, made it a particularly lovely place to walk through.  If I ever move south, as Lisa is campaigning for me to do, (and as I'm considering anyway!), this would definitely be a place that I'd be going to to pray.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 42

Today's Daily 5:

1. Nectarine for breakfast.  in bed.
2. actually kind of sleeping a good portion of the night
3. encouraging notes from friends, promising to pray
4. a few brief minutes at the farmers market
5. sunshine
6. wearing a top I purchased at the tibetan shop a few years ago
7. a long walk on an Indian summer day
8. taking photos of the fall colors in my favorite park
9. making a whole pot of passion tea for drinking through the evening
10. text messages that referenced palm trees and made me giggle
11. chocolate
    

Sun, Sites, Water (California Part 3)

 

One more zoo photo, just because I really happen to like this photo.

The Museum of Man

 

At the beach at Coronado

Hotel del Coronado

Lisa pointed out this sign to me, and it cracked me up!

Seals at La Jolla

Needing to get my feet wet

At the Presidio

Lisa introduced me to many of her friends (who I promptly informed her that I was going to borrow/adopt) and one of them was hosting a Moroccan Tea.  That was a totally fun experience!  Also, this particular friend's driveway, on a sunny, somewhat humid morning, smelled like the butterfly garden at the Calgary zoo - an indoor smell, outdoors.  My commenting upon this fact, like my love affair with palm trees, was, I think, a source of great amusement for my friend who is used to a somewhat more tropical climate year round!

And, I don't have any pictures, but the day we spent in the LA Garment District was full of adventure, too.  That was a day that I'd been promised would be a truly cross-cultural experience, possibly complete with a marriage proposal or two extended to Lisa.  I don't think there were any marriage proposals, but I had great fun trailing Lisa and her Mom around to the various fabric merchants, and, since the weather here at home is colder, have made use of the scarf I purchased there at Santee Alley on several occasions.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 41

Today's Daily 5:
(for an introduction to the Daily 5 Lists, click here)

1. A sense of clarity that came waking from dreams this morning, as a scripture came back.  Ironically, it's a scripture I've rather hated, one that's been tossed at me as a sort of weapon through the years.  But this morning, as I woke from hard dreams, it brought clarity, and just a little bit of hope, and for that I was thankful.
2. Crepes for breakfast at a local cafe/bakery
3. An honest conversation with a friend.  Not one that was easy, but the response was encouraging, and there was lots of laughter, and some girl talk fit in around the big stuff in our lives that also needed discussing.
4. Looking forward to ways the house church I'm a part of is developing and will develop in the coming weeks and months
5. A really productive afternoon blog-wise, getting a bunch of posts written and scheduled for the future
6. a treatment from mom that helped ease some muscles that were aching badly after waking so tensely and suddenly this morning
7. knowing that my supplements are starting to kick back in and I'm going to start feeling better
8. A steak dinner out with my parents, both siblings, my sister-in-law, my brother's girlfriend, and my aunt.  Time out like that with my family is not always super enjoyable, but tonight, at that restaurant, I enjoyed being with them, and being treated to a really nice meal.

"You're Just Going to Stay" (California Part 2)

For nearly as long as we've been corresponding, Lisa has been trying to convince me that the "other CA - the state, not the country" is the place to be.  And, I'll admit, the lack of snow is definitely a selling feature.

Upon arrival, she immediately set out to convert me, with a complete lack of subtlety that was absolutely hilarious.  She basically told me I wasn't going home, I'd just have to move there, and how could I possibly be in San Diego and not fall in love with the place?  That said, her zeal for conversion (and how well she'd gotten to know me via all those years of blog posts and emails and facebook) made her an excellent tour guide!

Food was the one highlight I didn't take any photos of, but lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory made me a convert to Mizithra cheese (turns out that this is a CA delicacy that I can repeat simply by going to downtown Calgary!)  Steak dinner at the Boathouse, and Godiva chocolate cheesecake that we shared over the course of several evenings were all highlights.  And, genuine Mexican food in Old Town.  So good.  I love Mexican food!

On Wednesday we spent the day at the zoo.  Thanks to a friend of Lisa's who works there and got us in free, I've now toured the famous San Diego Zoo, and not actually seen the entrance!  I love zoos anyway, but this one was great fun - pandas, koalas, polar bears, giraffes and otters were some of my favorites of the day.  (I was also quite astonished by the size of the Galapagos tortises, though their sheer size doesn't really show in photos.)

And then, of course, there is the great love of palm trees that I discovered!  I actually don't think, in the course of my travels, that I've ever been to a place where palm trees just grow outside.  In the wintery world in which I live, palm trees are in the indoor botanical gardens at the zoo or downtown - not outside.  They're the thing you put in the photo of some tropical location on your computer desktop background to get you through the winter - the pipe dream of someplace fabulous that you'll maybe go someday.  Quite honestly, palm trees might be the biggest selling factor for a move to California one day!  They definitely became the standing joke for the week, as one or the other of us pointed them out, including the "miniature palm trees" on one of the rides at Disneyland!

In the posts to come, various sites, the best parts of the trip, and of course, Disneyland!

Waking from Dreams

I forget, sometimes, that often when there is some sort of forward momentum in one part of my life, there is a tendency for backlash in others.

I remembered that reality rather harshly this morning, waking from a couple of dreams.

Often I know that a dream isn't reality, even while I'm having it.  That I'm experiencing something that is symbolic or spiritual or just bad pizza. 

This morning's wasn't like that.  It took me a minute or two after waking to remember that what I'd seen and experienced was a dream.

It's a dream that reflected a fear that's embarrassing to me in a way.

I haven't talked much about the fall out from the last car accident I had in January.

The fact that on the rare occasions these days that I get behind the wheel of a car, panic comes.  That part didn't surprise me, really.  It happened after the previous accidents too.  And in each case, it's usually dissipated simply by time.  By getting behind the wheel over and over again, and praying, and driving carefully, and doing it through the panic. 

And I don't and can't have a car for a while because of the insurance issues, so I didn't expect it to dissipate quickly.

I haven't told many people that even being a passenger in a car similar to mine is hard.  That riding in the front seat of a smaller, low to the ground vehicle is also nerve wracking.

There are a couple of people who drive, and I'm able to relax.  But not many.  If they happen to drive larger vehicles - SUVs or trucks, that helps a little.

This morning I relived my last accident (by far the worst one.)  I relived it in my dreams, twice, though the details were wrong.  The crash, the airbag, the panic over what to do next, who to call.  The sinking sense of dread that now the insurance will be a problem forever, because I'd had even more accidents.

It wasn't the fear that I'd expected to surface.  It wasn't even like I was expecting fear to surface, per say, though, upon reflection, given other things in my life, it didn't surprise me.

It felt like, maybe even was, attack.

And it wasn't an easy way to start the day.

Nearly two hours later, I'm approaching okay.  In half an hour a friend will pick me up, and we're going for breakfast, and I'll ride in her car, and pray a little, and push away the fear for the reality of enjoying time with my friend.

But if you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers right now.  As I walk through some stuff that aches and it stirs all the other fears, I'd appreciate your prayers.  For courage, and for protection, because there was a very real element of oppression, a sense upon waking that this was attack - against the progress I'm aiming for, against the freedom and healing I'm fighting for these days.  I'd appreciate your prayers as I shake off the remains of the dreams, or of whatever else comes.  Because pushing for healing is important, and I'm pretty sure I can't do it alone.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 40

Today's Daily 5:

1. spending the entire morning (including eating breakfast!) in bed
2. watching lots and lots of Grey's Anatomy on dvd
3. an afternoon of quiet and alone time
4. taking a bath and revisiting my favorite former Friday evening pasttime (on a Friday afternoon) by watching Grey's while relaxing in the tub
5. after six months of living half-way in and out of being settled in grandma's house because of various uncertainties, I decided tonight to set up a table and chairs in my space.  I decided I needed a place to sit and work and pray and think, and started the process of doing that by moving my table and chairs into a space that will work for them.  I don't have a couch anymore, or I'd have moved my coffee table and that in instead, but the table and chairs will work for now, and it's something - a place to settle and think and pray.  A place to sit that is not my bed (though I think that will always remain my preferred spot!)
6. I also used my dvd player for the first time tonight, and settled for the first time into the chair and sitting spot I set up when I moved in six months ago.  To be fair, I did this partly because the dvd player in my laptop is slowly dieing and is scratching my dvds in the process, but sitting in a spot to watch a dvd on a normal screen feels good.  Like a little bit of sanity in my very bizarre life at grandma's, don't even have a bedroom door world.
7. I lit candles everywhere to combat the smell of musty basement (and other odd house smells that have been happening here at grandma's lately) and to warm up my cold space
8. wearing a twirly skirt, and a scarf, even though it was a cooler day and that wouldn't be my normal impulse on cooler days
9. finding out that the process of getting an American passport is going to take way less legwork than I thought, thanks to some work my parents did to get each of us a document certifying our American citizenship when we were born
10. The simple process of applying myself to a task was helpful tonight in refocusing myself after a very hard day.  So I cleaned, and I unpacked my suitcase from my trip and put things away, and I created a new space to sit and think.

Today

Today:

• I'm feeling lonely.  I always feel lonely after trips where I get to spend time with the people who know me best.
• I'm having a hard time shaking off the morning oppression and fear and general sense of disconcertion that so often comes.
• I'm talking to myself.  A lot.
• And working on paying attention to stopping the really negative self-talk.
• And remembering how funny it was last week when I was in California and either my friend or I would talk out loud to ourselves, and then realize that calling oneself by name when there is a friend with the same name sitting across the room creates a general sense of hilarity and confusion.
• I'm reminding myself that part of the reason I'm struggling today is medicinal.  In the crazyness of a transition home, I realized late yesterday that it had been three full days since I'd taken any of the natural supplements I normally take at least three times a day.  Including the one that I know makes a difference with anxiety.  Ooops.
• Because of my supplement misstep, I'm also reminding myself that I can't expect to feel 100% today.
• I'm praying for a few different friends who are going through some really challenging things.
• I'm obsessing, and thus failing to enjoy a rare opportunity for solitude in a place where I actually feel comfortable
• I'm pondering a bunch of thoughts that will eventually become blog posts
• I'm watching lots and lots of Grey's Anatomy, working on finishing up last season on DVD so that I can watch last night's season premiere on the internet later
• I'm doing some of the little items on my "to do" list
• I'm pondering ways to make certain parts of my life more "liveable"
• I'm needing to stop, and be really honest with myself.
• I'm procrastinating about some other items on my "to do"list
• I'm listening for God whispers, and hearing them oddly, partly in the last four words of the statement "love others as you love yourself"
• I'm thinking about honesty and vulnerability, and how I'm usually glad for the moments I make it to that point, but how long I avoid them and obsess over them, and fear them, leading up to them
• I'm wearing a skirt, just because I needed to wear a twirly skirt.  I have three quarter length tights under it, and am wearing a scarf and hoodie over my t-shirt, but I'm wearing a bright green twirly skirt, just because it reminds me of freedom and joy.

At the Airport

Here's the piece of information only a very few people knew about my trip last week.  I'd never met the person on the other end that I was planning to spend a week with.  We'd never talked by phone or skype.  We'd never seen each other's faces in anything other than pictures.

A little over two years ago I posted this on my blog, and came home later that night to find an email waiting for me from a woman who shared my first name and last initial, telling me that she'd been reading my blog for quite some time, and that it seemed we shared oddly parallel lives and that the post on Papua New Guinea tipped the scales and pushed her into writing.  She closed her note by saying she'd thought it was finally time to introduce herself, and that she'd been praying for me, even though she didn't even "know" me.

I remember feeling pleasantly surprised, and slightly wary - it is the internet after all, who knows who it was that was writing me?  But I replied, and we slowly started to trade regular emails, every few weeks, then weekly, then, by the time I was needing to find an escape after finishing my crazy summer of school and other things, nearly daily.

We'd been talking for quite some time about getting together in person, and since neither of us is particularly shy about hopping on airplanes and going, we knew it would eventually happen, we just didn't know when.  Her coming to me is limited by the fact that she is Californian and doesn't "do" winter - an admittedly complicating factor since I live in a place that really does seem to have winter or threaten the coming of winter at least nine months a year!  And me going there?  Well, it always sort of seemed like a pipe dream in my head, one of those "that's a fun dream for a long way down the road" sorts of things.

And then I had this crazy summer.  The summer that came after months and months of everything in my life deconstructing itself.  And some complicating factors in the month of September that left me knowing that I was in desperate need of a temporary relocation and break, preferably with a friend that had become dear.

After two years of trading emails, blog posts and comment, and facebook comments, I was comfortable that I probably wasn't flying into some sort of crazy abduction situation and sent her a message "so, do you want a visitor?" and got an enthusiastic "are you serious? yes!" in response.  I booked tickets using rewards points, and hopped on a plane to meet in person the person that knew all kinds of things about me that even my family doesn't know.

I'd have normally probably tried to at least talk by phone or skype before getting on a plane to meet a total stranger, but we both have lives that tend to get crazy, and neither of our lives disappointed in the two weeks between when I booked tickets and when I got on the plane early one Tuesday morning.  I really was going to meet and hear her voice for the first time upon landing (a fact, which, by the way, was causing a bit of consternation for a few of those who knew what I'd planned!)

We debated back and forth by email about what story we'd use to explain how we'd met, knowing that since I was from out of country (as it seems that so many of both of our friends are!), we'd be asked where we'd met.  After throwing around some perfectly ridiculous options (I think her favorite was "we met when our fathers were both in the CIA") and knowing that neither one of us would make it through them with a straight face, we settled on the truth, "we met at the airport on Tuesday", and I began anxiously anticipating the startled and confused looks we'd get while explaining this to her friends.

They didn't disappoint.  We used our story within hours of my arrival and the confusion was fabulous.  "Wait, you only met this morning?"  As the week went on, we began to naturally take turns with the line, and then the explanation, "well, I have this blog, and she was reading it, and then she emailed me, and we've been emailing regularly for several years, but we really did meet for the first time at the airport on Tuesday."

When I walked off a plane last week in San Diego and into a hug, all I knew was that I was looking forward to a week of putting a face and personality to the emails and stories we'd shared for years.  And, it was fabulous.  I'll share more in the coming days, but thought I'd close this post with a picture of my new but totally not new dear friend.  This is us, affectionately known as LP/CA and the other LP/CA (the way we've signed emails for ages, a reference to our shared name, and the shared initials of our locations of residence).

And since I'm praying...

Posting last night about baby Ewan made me stop for a moment and think about some of the others I'm praying for right now...

• a friend who just lost her father to a very short, very unexpected seven week battle with cancer
• a friend overseas, "catching" babies (she's a midwife)
• a missionary friend in Costa Rica who shared on facebook last night that she narrowly avoided a mugging yesterday
• a pair of friends (siblings) and the multiple people surrounding their family who are watching as their mother fights what seems to be a losing battle with cancer
• a few different dear friends scattered across two countries who are facing big challenges in their health right now
• another friend who is part of a team that is traveling to do some training for church leaders in an area of the world that tends to be volatile (and for his wife and baby at home)

and those are just a few of the ones that come more urgently to mind.  it's a funny season, lately, with the people I care about.  so many facing challenging or just "big" things in their lives.  and, it's a privilege to support them, even in the moments where it seems like praying is not much, but is all that I can offer.

Pray for Ewan

Would you pray with me for Kirsten and her husband James, and their infant son Ewan?

Kirsten is a connection I made via the blogging world some time back.  A number of months into their pregnancy, their son was diagnosed with a serious heart condition and James and Kirsten's world changed.  She's blogged about the journey through her pregnancy on this blog.

Tonight Kirsten posted the following to facebook, asking people to pray, and I'm asking you to join with me (and so many others) in praying for this special family and their lovely little boy, born on September 18th:

PRAYER WARRIORS: Now is the time!! We were just informed that Ewam requires emergency surgery. We were quoted some fairly grim numbers and this is his only chance. Please pray hard, and spread the word!!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 39

Today's Daily 5:

1. getting a link by email from a friend, full of info I'll need to pursue getting some citizenship paperwork taken care of
2. Almond Joy bars (why do I live in a country where this little bit of heaven is not easily available?  it's always so good to have them again after a trip to the states where I can stock up a bit!)
3. laughing with friends at house church
4. nacho cheese and corn chips
5. Harvey's burger
6. reading funny greeting cards at the card shop
7. pausing to consider that I have friends near and far praying for me
8. taking the morning really, really slow
9. feeling relatively content and peaceful, despite some really challenging realities
10. a friend reminding me that "I'm worth it."

Today

I'm needing to make a list, just for my own clarity.

These are some of the things I need to accomplish (or begin working on) today:

• buy a sympathy card for a friend who lost a parent in the last few days
• stop at an office supply shop
• check if a particular tea shop is hiring
• start unpacking my suitcase
• write a blog post (complete with pictures) about my trip
• figure out a schedule that will force some things I really need to be paying attention to to actually happen
• catch up on some emails
• catch up on some pre-scheduled blog posts
• read an email about US passport requirements, and begin the process of applying for mine, to make cross border travel even easier; carrying two passports seems like a good plan if I'm going to spend a bit more time in the US in the future
• see if I can figure out a way to go to Ikea... looking for a few cheap ways to make a hard living space a bit more liveable
• figure out a way to incorporate a bit of creating back into my life
• sit with a journal

Things I've accomplished without yet getting out of bed:

• made a phone call determining that as long as I don't send more than 250 texts a month, texting is a new viable way to keep in touch with a friend far away
• written down a dream that shook, and processed another shaking moment that came upon waking, and managed to fight off the incessant weight of it again, to be able to laugh a little at the realities that bring those moments that cause shaking
• watched several episodes of Grey's anatomy on dvd
• allowed myself to simply rest

Realistically, many of the things on that first list won't be done today, but if even some of them get started, that's something.  I'm needing to celebrate and acknowledge the "somethings" right now, and not be overwhelmed by the stuff that just doesn't happen.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 38

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping in - not forced, but actually kind of sleeping
2. buying the latest season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD
3. wrapped in a soft, cozy new scarf all day to combat the cold - a scarf I bought on holidays last week in the LA garment district
4. the part of the day when my brain finally kicked in and I was able to figure out what stuff needs to be accomplished in the next week or so
5. applying for a job - how's that for first day back???  at least I dropped a resume off somewhere (wasn't planned, but it happened)
6. attending a very interesting lecture on the intersection of music and Christian theology tonight

Home

I arrived back in Calgary late last night, and I'm currently holed up in the bedroom at my parent's house that I slept in (affectionately known as the "fishing room" based on it's use as the office for dad's fishing business when someone doesn't need the futon).  I'm waiting to see how long I can stay holed up before someone either checks to make sure I'm not ill, or suspects that I'm hiding and comes to find me.

I'll blog about the trip with some pictures and details in the next day or two.

This morning, though, I'm thankful for the time away I had (even if I'm wishing I'd extended it a bit longer...) I'm thankful for hours of conversation and laughter and hugs.  Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to hold onto those pretty tightly in the coming days.

So, in a few minutes I'll crawl out of bed.  I'll move into the day, and organize myself.  I'll miss the world where I could wear skirts without pants or tights underneath.

I'll be back daily with the daily 5, but even as the season of the year officially changes today to fall, I feel that shifting in my life again, too, and an urge to perhaps be quieter for a while, here.  (That said, it seems like every time I give myself the freedom not to write, I suddenly actually feel like I have things to share.  So, who knows!)

I'm grateful for escapes, and praying for a growing reality that will be less and less necessary to escape.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 37

Today's Daily 5:

1. sending an important email
2. clearing airport security smoothly 3 times today (for a total of 5 uneventful passages this trip - very unusual since for a long time I always seemed to get flagged or selected for "random" searches)
3. clearly customs smoothly both times this trip as well
4. hugs from a friend who sees through the tears and the mess and really loves me
5. looking forward to season premieres of favorite shows on tv later this week
6. looking forward to seeing the house church people again
7. free wi-fi in airports
8. rocking chairs in the airport waiting area
9. a row to myself, or an empty seat next to me on all four flights this trip
10. window seats - so good!
11. mint gum (mint should, by the way, only be in gum and toothpaste - with the possible exception of the Moroccan mint tea I was introduced to this trip)
12. memories to hold onto in harder days to come that bring instant smiles
13. watching (and or dozing) through Chariots of Fire on one of my flights today.  "When I run I feel God's pleasure".  Something to ponder again in the coming days
14. laughing and realizing you're in a multi-ethnic city when customer service on your airplane is available in French, English, Swahili, and Hindi
15. viewing the moon from the plane window on my final flight
16. being met at the airport curb by a smiling face
17. the laughter that will ensue every time I hear or think the phrase "palm trees"
18. randomly connecting with a friend from home who also had a long layover in the same airport I did, and spending the afternoon with her
19. bottled water (a godsend after spending all day in dry planes and airports)
20. eating a yummy croissant
21. laughing as I pause to consider that this is the first list I've written in a week without my "peanut gallery" sitting across the room from me, lingering on the laughter as we composed lists and the peanut gallery then added her two cents, and wondering what sorts of comments will come in the future!

What sort of tree?

This one made me chuckle when I did it late last week.  The friend I was visiting insisted that my results (for reasons she found immesurably funny) really should have been a palm tree,  but the results I got did make me smile.  In this case, though I don't think all of the things are true of me, those that aren't true are certainly characteristics I find desireable, and ones I seek to have.

You Are an Autumn Tree

You are contemplative and deep. You enjoy observing the world around you. You know that change is inevitable, and you try to roll with whatever life brings. You can see the extraordinary in the ordinary. You are easily inspired. You try to remain balanced and steady in the face of upheaval.

What Season Tree Are You?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 36

Today's Daily 5:

1. First time at Disneyland
2. sharing a friend's favorite escape
3. palm trees, miniature palm trees, silhouetted palm trees (and on it goes)
4. giggles at ridiculous moments
5. trying things I'd likely have never done because of being with a trusted friend
6. "two examples of why many animals eat their young"
7. monte cristo sandwich
8. long hours of laughter and conversation
9. reveling in one final day of escape before the return to reality that's coming
10. knowing that this will definitely only be the first of many trips to come

It's Broken

I've posted quite a few TED talks here, and this one from Seth Godin was also great.


Seth Godin at Gel 2006 from Gel Conference on Vimeo.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 35

Today's Daily 5:

1. The irony of going to a church service after a weird start to the morning and discovering that the sermon text was from the precise chapter I'd been heavily thinking about in the early morning hours
2. a truly amusingly ironic bulletin cover
3. hugs from a few different people, some particularly good hugs
4. putting more faces to names
5. several hours of laughter and conversation while sorting literally thousands of monopoly pieces
6. story telling, laughter and a friend with a great listening ear

Early

I read this quote on a facebook status for an organization I support a little while ago, and it kind of made me angry.  It read, "At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and what you want." (Lao Tzu)

If the center of my being has the answers, it sure isn't sharing them with me!

Mostly, it's a reaction stemming from early morning angst.  Early mornings, before conversations begin, and the day starts in earnest, are hard.  Those hours of willing my unwilling body back to sleep, of laying for hours in that place somewhere between waking and dreaming.  Those are the moments when peace is most elusive, when oppression can feel the strongest, and when fear talks loudly.

Lately even the usual "tricks" to hang on to peace and rest aren't working so well.

And so I read a quote like this and it ticks me off.  It makes me mad.  Because if I'm supposed to have the answers, I'm in big trouble. 

Trust has never been my gift, though it's one that God is teaching me.  But at least if I trust I don't have to have the answers within me - that there is something so much larger than me that can be in charge of having answers - then I can ward off the fear, the anxiety, the weirdness of life just a little.  Even in these early morning hours.

Daily 5 - Year 2 Day 35

Today's Daily 5:

1. 2 years and 35 days of making these lists
2. filling in the gaps from years of blog stories and emails
3. putting faces to names
4. early morning prayer and processing with my friend Karla's lovely music in the background
5. "after I feel the sun on my face, my soul it will sprout again"
6. Moroccan mint tea
7. seeing beautiful artwork
8. laughing over our complete inability to use a corkscrew and open the icewine we'd planned to share last night
9. surviving "game night" with L's grandma
10. seeing California's version of mountains

Past the mid-way point

I'm laying in bed in the home of my friend in California and pondering.

For the last hour, my friend Karla's "Chair and Microphone" album has been playing softly through my headphones.  Her music is the stuff I often turn to first in the moments when I need to think and pray and process life a bit.  My heart hears Jesus when she sings.

Sometime last night, or in the wee hours of this morning, drifting in and out of semi-restless sleep and dreams, I hit the realization that comes for me with every trip - the realization of being past the half-way point of this escape.  That the days remaining are growing fewer.  The realization that a return to the harder realities of day to day existence are coming, and soon.  That what comes next - the healing to come, the things to deal with, the waiting on school acceptance, the looking for a job, seem exhausting and overwhelming and sometimes even terrifying.

And really, I want to cocoon forever in the escape place (wherever it is, whichever vacation it is), full of laughter and hugs and friends who know all the messy stuff and want to hug on me and love me anyhow.  I think about the community around me at home and long for that place of openness to come.  I grow impatient with the reminder that there isn't history there yet, and that day to day life doesn't tend to hold room for the hours and hours of intense conversation that escapes have.

And so, I pause to consider the coming day, with Karla singing quietly in the background.  To ready my heart for the things it holds, but also to bask in it, to draw sweet memories and moments to hold to when the end of the escape comes and reality returns.  To have things to remind me of hope in the harder moments that are bound to come.  Because that was the point of escaping anyway - to get away from reality for a few days and rest and prepare for the coming of new realities.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 34

Today's Daily 5:

1. Discussing "if" questions from a book until late hours last night
2. driving up the california coastline
3. cheesecake and icewine 
4. bought a pretty new scarf in the LA garment district
5. getting an inside view of my friend's crazy world
6. laughter
7. laughing over differences in accents (how do you pronounce the words "process" and "against"?)

Gospel Sound

Will you forgive me if I admit that every once in a while I enjoy the Gaithers?  That I kind of like the feeling of down home southern gospel music?  A friend of mine posted this video to facebook early in the week, and it made me smile, so I decided to share.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 33

Today's Daily 5:

1. Palm trees
2. "This smells like a church bathroom!"
3. visiting San Diego de Alcala mission
4. authentic Mexican food
5. sharing meals and in person conversations with a dear friend

Green

This one made me chuckle.  Partly because green is one of the colors I love best.

You Are Green

You are laid back and quite patient. You are naturally very calm. You are an understanding person, and you believe in forgiving easily. You prefer to keep the peace. You get annoyed by pushy or aggressive people. You don't like anyone trying to dominate you. You always have time for someone genuine and friendly. You see out similarly mild mannered folks.

What Color Is Your Personality?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 32

Today's Daily 5:

1. San Diego zoo
2. sunshine
3. a great steak dinner
4. vacation time with a friend
5. laughter and conversations

From my musical library

 I saw this at Dana's blog and thought it looked fun, so I gave it a shot.  Play along if you like, and leave a link in the comments for me to see your lists.

Type these words into your iTunes library and name the first song that appears:

Happy: Our Happy Home (David Crowder Band)

Love: O Love That Will Not Let Me Go (Rocky Mountain College Choir)

Hate: I Hate Everything (But You) Derek Webb

Light: Light of Your Face (Chris Quilala and Kim Walker)

Dark: Dark Night of the Soul (Steve Bell)

Good: What a Good Boy (Barenaked Ladies)

Bad: Bad (U2)

Smile: Smile (Uncle Kracker)

Cry: Soul Cry (Kathryn Marquis)

Girl: Hey Girl (Ray Charles)

Boy: The Only Living Boy in New York (Simon & Garfunkel)

Sad: ...

Lost:Lost in this Moment (Big & Rich)

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 31

Today's Daily 5:

1. Two safe flights
2. clearing airport security and US customs without any of the customary adventures I tend to collect while doing those things
3. vacation
4. hugging a friend in person for the first time
5. being someplace with warm weather (and not the snow predicted for home this week!)

Vacation

Early this morning, probably before this post ever goes live, I left for vacation.

I'm spending the next week in California, visiting with a dear friend who became a friend thanks to this blog.

And I can't wait to finally "meet" at the airport.  We decided (though we know things about each other that some family members probably don't know, and have been corresponding at least several times a week for a couple of years now) that the most fun thing when people ask how we met would be to use some version of "we met at the airport, yesterday..."

I'm looking forward to all the conversations that will be so much better over tea, held face to face, than they would ever be by email or an online chat.  And I'm looking forward to checking out her favorite places to escape, too!

The blog will be quieter this week while I'm enjoying my chance to get away.  I'll see you on the other end!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 30

Today's Daily 5:

1. A relatively peaceful day
2. rain - the day was dreary and cold, but the rain reminded me of fresh things coming
3. eating three full meals the day before traveling - most of my last trips have been so stressfully anticipated that I haven't eaten at all, so three meals is a huge thing!
4. time with just my mom
5. a treatment to get me all set to go
6. a very long and good phone conversation with a dear friend
7. leaving (bright and early! like 4:30 am early) for California to spend a week with another good friend

Food Rules

I've talked before about my love of Jamie Oliver and cooking.  About the healthy changes in eating, cooking, and supplement taking I've been making over the last few years.  However, if you had told me two years ago that I would be the kind of person who would read an entire book (even if it was a smallish book) on the topic of simple ways to have a healthier diet, I'd have laughed at you.  Long and hard.  And then I was converted to healthier ways because of necessity when my own health failed me, and last week I actually read a whole book on the topic of healthier eating.  I read Michael Pollan's "Food Rules: An Eater's Manual"

I borrowed this one from the public library, but it's one I'll be ordering and adding to my own library.  I'm also, having whet my appetite on one of his shorter works, planning to read at least one more of Pollan's books on the topic of food - where our food comes from, and how to eat in a way that will make us healthier.  Pollan sums up his healthy eating philosophy in seven words.  "Eat food.  Not too much. Mostly Plants."  You can't get much simpler than that.  More than that, though, this particular book was funny in preventing it's wisdom.  It was broken into three sections of rules, 64 total, one for each sentence in Pollan's seven word philosophy of eating.  I'm including some of my favorite rules from each section below:

Eat Food:

• Don't eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food
• Avoid food products containing ingredients that a third-grader cannot pronounce
• Shop the peripheries of the supermarket and stay out of the middle
• Eat only foods that will eventually rot
• If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't.
• It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car.
• It's not food if it's called by the same name in every language.  (Think Big Mac, Cheetos, or Pringles.)

Mostly Plants:

• Eat your colors
• Eat animals that have themselves eaten well
• Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk
• "The whiter the bread, the sooner you'll be dead."
• Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.

Not too much:

• ...Eat less
• Eat when you are hungry, not when you are bored.
• Spend as much time enjoying the meal as it took to prepare it
• Don't get your fuel from the same place you car does.
• Treat treats as treats
• Cook
• Break the rules once in a while

Realistically, this was one of the most practical, doable, and basic books I've ever read on this topic.  (Well, it's the only book I've ever read on the topic, but I've read a whole lot of magazine articles and this is still the most basic compilation I've come across.)  More than that, though, what I appreciated was Pollan's sense of moderation.  He doesn't suggest that you make all 64 rules hard and fast - his advice is to pick some from each section and make those changes.  The explanations that go with each of the rules were simple, yet convincing, filling in the gaps of some of the less obvious things, and I actually felt like I walked away from this book with some new ideas for healthy eating, and knowing things about food that I didn't realize before.  Like I said at the beginning, though I initially borrowed this one from the public library, I'll be purchasing a copy ASAP for my own library.

My question is this - which of these rules do you like the best, or what "rules" of your own do you live by for healthy eating?

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 29

Sometimes making these lists feels like a lame exercise.  Especially when it's been the kind of week where I feel like every evening I sit down and list the same things over and over.  That said, lately the same things have offered glimmers of hope and encouragement over and over amidst some long, tough days.  And so I list them.  Over and over.

Today was a pretty rough day in a lot of ways.  And some of those same things helped.  And now, I'm staring at a screen, feeling like it lacks originality to list them again.  And yet, they helped.  They were bright spots in a painful day.  So I'm listing some of the same things, and a few newer ones too.

Today's Daily 5:

1. lighting candles
2. curling up in my own bed
3. fuzzy slippers
4. chocolate
5. packing for my holiday (2 days!)
6. twirling skirts and scarves
7. trading emails with a few dear friends
8. cathartic tears
9. watching church online from California
10. clean water

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 28

Today's Daily 5:

1. A long phone call this morning with a dear friend
2. plugging in my headphones and resting this afternoon while I played a game
3. eating the curry chicken my cousin cooked the other night and left for me
4. M*A*S*H* episodes
5. getting a ride home tonight when I'd planned to walk

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 27

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping a bit late this morning after a rough night
2. old episodes of M*A*S*H* on DVD
3. Vietnamese food
4. seeing an exterior wall decorated with teapots
5. pondering the beginnings of packing for my trip next week

The Silence of God

Hope posted this song on her blog recently, and I had to share.  I wasn't familiar with the artist, Andrew Peterson, but I've definitely decided I need to become familiar with his music.  This video is hauntingly beautiful.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 26

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thai peanut noodles
2. a long phone conversation this morning with L. in England
3. laughing with L, who knows me so well, and laughing with her in return
4. house church tonight - planning for the coming couple of months
5. watching episodes of M*A*S*H* on DVD

New Year

Today is the first day of the Jewish new year - of Rosh Hashana, which actually began last night at sundown.

A dear friend of mine marks this date each year as it comes, and from her I've learned to mark a new beginning each autumn as well.

Last night I ate the traditional apples and honey, and lit a candle I'd picked up from a Jewish shop in the spring.

And I prayed for the coming year - for the things that are imminent, and the things that still seem distant.

I prayed for the deep heart desires of friends and family.

I prayed with thankfulness for my upcoming vacation next week.

I prayed for some I love who are facing the imminent or recent death of ones that they hold dear.

I prayed for a friend with whom I spent four hours yesterday, talking about God, and for the new work he is doing in her life.

I prayed and looked forward to a new year.

Shana Tova.  Happy New Year. 

ראש השנה

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 25

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 25 days of making these lists
2. a coffee meeting with a friend that turned into a four hour conversation that I can't wait to continue further
3. those moments when Jesus lets you see, just for a second, the blessings of moments in the past when you've been obedient
4. apple cider this morning
5. apples and honey at supper
6. baking muffins this afternoon
7. lighting candles for Erev Rosh Hashana tonight
8. a longer than usual, rather luxurious shower
9. catching up on a number of tasks that needed to be accomplished
10. counting down (6 days!) until my vacation
11. waking up without an alarm
12. buying a great groupon deal for a manicure and pedicure
13. the smell of the air just after the rainstorm ended

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 24

Today's Daily 5:

1. A nearly full day (and an overnight) of solitude at mom and dad's.  I haven't had more than a couple hours in a row of real alone time since I moved into grandma's house at the end of February, and that made today a really lovely blessing.
2. a slow day, marking tasks off a list, but also doing restful things that I enjoy
3. pumpkin cookies
4. buying a few travel necessities for my upcoming trip
5. a natural health treatment tonight that went well
6. pausing to consider "breaking the silence" on some things... in a way that seems feasible, if not exactly "safe"

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

When Anne Jackson posted the question, “What is one thing you feel you can’t say in church” on her blog, the results were surprising.  “Permission to Speak Freely” is the result.  An interwoven product of Anne’s own story, and the answers that were submitted to the question she’d posted on her blog, “Permission to Speak Freely” is a beautiful book (both in word, and layout and formatting), honest and bold in it’s call to confession and declaration that the sharing of secrets really can bring safety and freedom.

I’ve struggled for a number of days with what to say in a review of this book.  “Permission to Speak Freely” hit me in ways that I find hard to describe.  Anne Jackson talks about the “gift of going second” and in so many ways this book offered me that chance.  Reading this book was an experience that reminded me of reading Renee Altson’s “Stumbling Toward Faith” a number of years ago.  Both books assured me that I am not alone.  That others, other Christians in fact, struggle with mental illness and addiction and recovering from horrific things supposedly done in the name of Christ.  As a pastor’s kid who has struggled with mental illness, addiction, and wondering whether or not I even wanted to be a part of this thing called “the body of Christ”, I found much to relate to in Jackson’s words.  “Permission to Speak Freely” reminded me that speaking out about the ways Jesus is bringing healing, but also about the very real wrestles of life is a way to offer freedom and healing, not only to others, but to oneself.  I would highly recommend this book, and I'm sure I'll be talking about it further in the days to come.