- Leftover Vietnamese food for lunch (absolutely my all time favorite Ethnic food)
- making homemade garlic butter for the garlic bread that went with lasagna tonight
- a day where the school work was light, and finished early
- not setting an alarm this morning
- watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd
Friday, August 06, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 357
Today's Daily 5:
Now
I talked yesterday about my brokenness and mental illness soapboxes and about walking honestly.
And then I came across this post from Anne Jackson earlier this week.
She wrote about the story of now.
I don't like my now story.
I talked about story at the beginning of the year, when I was reading Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." About wanting to write a better story with my life.
If I look at my list, I have to admit that a lot of those plans for the year died when I lost my job and unexpectedly found myself duckless and changing direction in life. Even U2 had to be indefinitely postponed (though I suspect that Bono's back surgery is not directly correlated to the ending of my employment tenure).
I started telling a different story when I enrolled in some university courses for the summer to begin to move towards a career in nursing.
And God had some story ideas too.
His involve healing and freedom.
And a process to get to those things that is anything but pretty.
Unless of course, you're using "pretty" in a sentence such as this, "It pretty much sucks, actually."
My now story involves a lot of days that are spent in tears.
In an seemingly constant and intensifying battle with fears that have controlled me for years.
Fears that are fighting hard to stay as they surface in new ways and I desire freedom and healing.
It involves stomach aches, and panic attacks, and frustration.
It involves relational tensions and discussions about boundaries and other things that involve my heart and stir insecurities.
It involves insecurities and self-image and self-worth.
And working to change long ingrained mindsets.
It involves identifying lies, and working through the (seemingly endless) process of replacing them with truth.
It involves family, and faith, and friends and sleepless nights and cloudy days.
This is my story of now.
And my gut response would be to go with the earlier statement - it pretty much sucks.
But something in me knows that this is good.
That God holds my hand and walks with me even in this.
That His hands are in these things surfacing now, when I don't have full-time employment to cope with too.
That He is offering freedom at the same time as directing me down this new path towards nursing.
It pretty much sucks. But it's good. Dichotomy and mystery. Healing through pain. Freedom after the fear really intensifies (and it encourages me, oddly, that the fear has intensified, that it is trying to hang on. it seems to only do that when there is hope that it will really and truly go.)
This is my now story.
And then I came across this post from Anne Jackson earlier this week.
She wrote about the story of now.
I don't like my now story.
I talked about story at the beginning of the year, when I was reading Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." About wanting to write a better story with my life.
If I look at my list, I have to admit that a lot of those plans for the year died when I lost my job and unexpectedly found myself duckless and changing direction in life. Even U2 had to be indefinitely postponed (though I suspect that Bono's back surgery is not directly correlated to the ending of my employment tenure).
I started telling a different story when I enrolled in some university courses for the summer to begin to move towards a career in nursing.
And God had some story ideas too.
His involve healing and freedom.
And a process to get to those things that is anything but pretty.
Unless of course, you're using "pretty" in a sentence such as this, "It pretty much sucks, actually."
My now story involves a lot of days that are spent in tears.
In an seemingly constant and intensifying battle with fears that have controlled me for years.
Fears that are fighting hard to stay as they surface in new ways and I desire freedom and healing.
It involves stomach aches, and panic attacks, and frustration.
It involves relational tensions and discussions about boundaries and other things that involve my heart and stir insecurities.
It involves insecurities and self-image and self-worth.
And working to change long ingrained mindsets.
It involves identifying lies, and working through the (seemingly endless) process of replacing them with truth.
It involves family, and faith, and friends and sleepless nights and cloudy days.
This is my story of now.
And my gut response would be to go with the earlier statement - it pretty much sucks.
But something in me knows that this is good.
That God holds my hand and walks with me even in this.
That His hands are in these things surfacing now, when I don't have full-time employment to cope with too.
That He is offering freedom at the same time as directing me down this new path towards nursing.
It pretty much sucks. But it's good. Dichotomy and mystery. Healing through pain. Freedom after the fear really intensifies (and it encourages me, oddly, that the fear has intensified, that it is trying to hang on. it seems to only do that when there is hope that it will really and truly go.)
This is my now story.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 356
Today's Daily 5:
- The relief of finishing an exam I'd dreaded
- the sound of running water from a fountain in the park next to the train station
- opening a dove chocolate before my exam and finding that the message in this one read "Life is sweeter with chocolate"
- slurpee - I haven't had a slurpee in years, but only a couple of us showed up for house church tonight, so we went for a walk to get slurpees
- Vietnamese for supper - since I'm not eating out regularly because of unemployment, I'm not eating my favorite food very often, so it was especially sweet to have Vietnamese for supper tonight with a friend.
- this post that Kirsten wrote... she said what I would have said so many times...
Walking Honestly
A good friend of mine sent me an email the other day with links to posts from Alece's blog archives and commented that the two posts she included links to had made her think of me. I've only been reading Alece's blog for a short time (I think I came across it via some other blogs I read, but I'm not even sure to be honest.) However, in the short time I've been reading, I've come to appreciate the honesty in her words.
The first post that my friend sent me was this one, that talks about wallowing versus walking. Boy do I know those feelings. Some heavy stuff has surfaced in my life over the last few months. Big, overwhelming, makes me ache and tear up at a moment's notice stuff. And honestly, wallowing does seem easier. Healing isn't exactly an easy journey, I've learned. Most of the time, as a process, it's pretty much miserable. That said, I appreciated and needed the reminder in Alece's post to cling to hope. To hold onto the one who I know is true. To put my hand in the hand of the one who I know from experience will lead me to healing, and who has promised to walk through the deep waters with me.
The second post my friend linked to was this one. This one touches on my own personal soapbox of depression in the church, and how we never want to acknowledge it. That said, it touches some raw nerves, too. While I'm not currently struggling with depression (I remain so thankful for that moment of healing that God offered to me nearly five years ago now), I'm struggling. Life is messy and ugly, and I'm not sure how to handle that. I trumpet honesty, but honestly, I'm embarrassed to be struggling. I'm tired of being the one on the soapbox, and a lot of days right now I just want to melt into the crowd of seemingly "perfect" people. And yet, I've found that I've needed to be honest with some people in my life about what's going on inside of me right now. To lean into their support and their prayers and their love as I again seek healing and restoration of the broken bits of me - knowingly and deliberately this time, not expecting a sudden miraculous and instantaneous deliverance like the moment the depression left.
I'm thankful for Alece's words, and for the friend who brought these posts I'd missed to my attention. They moved me in important ways today.
The first post that my friend sent me was this one, that talks about wallowing versus walking. Boy do I know those feelings. Some heavy stuff has surfaced in my life over the last few months. Big, overwhelming, makes me ache and tear up at a moment's notice stuff. And honestly, wallowing does seem easier. Healing isn't exactly an easy journey, I've learned. Most of the time, as a process, it's pretty much miserable. That said, I appreciated and needed the reminder in Alece's post to cling to hope. To hold onto the one who I know is true. To put my hand in the hand of the one who I know from experience will lead me to healing, and who has promised to walk through the deep waters with me.
The second post my friend linked to was this one. This one touches on my own personal soapbox of depression in the church, and how we never want to acknowledge it. That said, it touches some raw nerves, too. While I'm not currently struggling with depression (I remain so thankful for that moment of healing that God offered to me nearly five years ago now), I'm struggling. Life is messy and ugly, and I'm not sure how to handle that. I trumpet honesty, but honestly, I'm embarrassed to be struggling. I'm tired of being the one on the soapbox, and a lot of days right now I just want to melt into the crowd of seemingly "perfect" people. And yet, I've found that I've needed to be honest with some people in my life about what's going on inside of me right now. To lean into their support and their prayers and their love as I again seek healing and restoration of the broken bits of me - knowingly and deliberately this time, not expecting a sudden miraculous and instantaneous deliverance like the moment the depression left.
I'm thankful for Alece's words, and for the friend who brought these posts I'd missed to my attention. They moved me in important ways today.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 355
Today's Daily 5:
- 355 days of making these lists. (Getting so close to the one year mark!)
- I had to replace the mouse that I use with my laptop today. While spending money on that wasn't ideal, I do have a funky purple and black much more portable mouse now, and I love the color and size which actually fits my small hands quite nicely.
- leftover pad thai for supper again
- making peace with the fact that I didn't get the return phone call I was hoping for and settling in to study and review and prepare
- choosing to be thankful that though I'm not as prepared as I would be if I'd been able to postpone tomorrow's exam, I will instead meet my original goal of having what I know will be a very busy weekend free from the need to study.
- a treatment from mom
- grapes
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