A Challenging Mission

I've been reading parts of Matthew in Eugene Peterson's "The Message" paraphrase the last few days, and I find myself challenged by these thoughts and words, from and about Jesus. (The copy I'm reading from is an old one, without verse numbers, so I'm not going to include the references for you, but just some of the bits and pieces that are catching at me.) They present an interesting sort of mission statement - for Jesus, but also for those of us who have chosen to follow him.

"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God flavors of this earth."

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."

"Be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

"When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, fro then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves."

"In a word, what I'm saying is, GROW UP. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives towards you."

"Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."

"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!"

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

"Don't be flip with the sacred."

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need."

"First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."

"He taught in their meeting places, reported kingdom news, and healed their diseased bodies, healed their bruised and hurt lives."

"Don't begin by traveling to some faroff place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously."

Feeling Better

I'm doing a bit better.

It's amazing to me sometimes what a really simple sense of having accomplished something can do for my mood.

I came home from work and made a list. All the things that need to get done that I've let slide because of the exhaustion and illness that have consumed so much of the last week.

I cooked dinner for myself and my roommates.

I worked through 2/3 of my list, and have the rest sorted into a couple of errands that need to be run tomorrow after work.

I've chatted with a friend.

I made the decision that's been bugging me for the last week or two. (the dreams I had last night, unsettling though they were, gave me an odd sense of peace about making this particular decision.) It feels good to have it off my chest.

And now? I'm eating a slice of blackforest cake (one of my favorites) left over from a weekend splurge, and then I'm headed for the shower.

After a nice hot shower, my plan is to curl up in bed with my bible, journal, and the book I'm currently reading and read for a while. Then I'm going to finish watching an episode of The West Wing and head for what will hopefully be an early bedtime.

Tomorrow is Friday. I like Friday's more than other days, not only because they proceed the weekend, but because I can wear jeans to work.

And George is saving me nearly an hour a day in commuting time this week, so that's fantastic too.

The Feeling's Mutual

Oh my. I may not be a pastor, but boy do I relate to this particular cartoon at the Naked Pastor today. Have I ever been dealing with that whole ball of self-love wax lately (and all the lies that have gone with it for years in my life.)

I'm glad that Jesus listens, and then reminds me that he not only loves me, he likes me, and desires my company.

Wow.

Not always something I can fully believe, but oh, am I working to keep believing it.

Especially on days like yesterday and today.

Tired, and Waiting

I feel a little bit like I've put parts of my life on hold this last week or so, while I've tried to make a decision.

I still haven't made it.

I'm lonely.

And exhausted.

Some people have bad Mondays. It seems lately that my Wednesdays and Thursdays are really rough. By Wednesday night I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and it becomes a far bigger battle to fight off the fears, the lies, the things I know are unhealthy. They get bigger and more overwhelming, and I descend more easily into confusion and darkness.

I had odd dreams again last night. Things that seem significant, though I can't for the life of me imagine why.

I feel a bit defeated.

And quite ill again.

A friend sent me an email this morning - one line stood out - something she'd written about her own life, but equally true to mine. "something has to change"

Not sure what that change will be.

For now though, I keep repeating to myself:

I choose life.

This is the day that the Lord has made I will (somehow) rejoice and be glad in it.

Long Day

This was a very long day.

I wondered at times, again, if there is something about me that compels certain people to treat me like a particularly stupid and incompetent child. And then I wondered if I was just bumping into people particularly unskilled in the realm of dealing with people, or maybe just the "old boys club" mentality.

I had a particularly difficult conversation with someone today. A frank, honest, but difficult conversation, about a range of topics. The person shared some things with me that surprised me. The people who choose to confide things of a particularly personal nature in me always surprise me. And the things I talked about with this person were difficult too. Less personal and more professional in nature, but still difficult.

After work I came home briefly to change clothes, and then headed to my parents house for dinner. It was my middle brother's 23rd birthday today. Joel just moved out of our parent's home at the beginning of September, and my parents invited our immediate family, Joel's girlfriend, and his three roommates (all long-time good friends of his) for dinner. They are a boisterous crowd - full of humor and joy. We laughed a lot.

And now I'm home, already in my pajamas and in bed, at 9:30 p.m.

I've been around people all day - more at work than usual, and then an evening filled with my extroverted brother and his friends.

I felt lonely in the midst of a crowd.

I am missing dear friends scattered around the country and the globe. I miss the people who really "see" me. Those people with whom it is safe to be fully myself. There aren't many left in Calgary - maybe none at all right now.

I'm lonely, and tired and emotional.

I think my body is still recovering from being ill for most of the week. Today is the first day in a week that I've eaten two full meals, plus some snacks.

A little bit of scripture (I'm still fasting from novels, or I'd lose myself in one for a while). And then bed. Early to bed I hope.

Goodnight.