The work day is half-way over.
I finished all twelve parts of the first project. The one that I'll be re-doing all twelve parts of sometime in the next couple of weeks.
I've heard all about the ridiculous comments someone made regarding someone else's performance. If only they weren't going to be official. Have I mentioned that kissing butt is a particular skill of a couple of staff members? And that they always get their way, no matter how ridiculous it is?
I'm moving on to frustrating phone calls and otherwise less than stimulating projects.
It's that kind of day.
But, it's half-way over, and I am making hamburgers for dinner tonight.
And doing some planning stuff for my upcoming trip.
And just generally not being at the office.
And all of those things are worth celebrating!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Untitled (Because I'm Lacking Creativity This Morning)
I'm still pondering the things I was pondering yesterday, though thankfully the weightiness of yesterday seems to have receeded a bit.
The quote for the day on the calendar on my desk yesterday read, "Give me a heart as big as the universe!" (Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini) Which in the space I was in yesterday made me cringe just a little. I think my exact thoughts as I read were something along the lines of, "Shoot, I just prayed that as I read it. I don't want that. Especially not today when I'm finding just the little space around me overwhelming!" I'm vascillating today between wanting to pray for an ever expanding heart, and wanting desperately to avoid that very idea.
It's definitely autumn now. The weather is dry, and chilly.
I lack the ability to heat my body thoroughly on good days, but the last few days have been brutal. As I sit here writing I have two magic bags wrapped around me and a cup of passion tea at the ready. I caved to the changing weather (and the being tired of being an ice cube all day) and wore knee socks this morning too.
The last two hours of work yesterday were brutal, and produced a long list of extremely ridiculous demands on my time for today. Nothing like completing a project for a clueless manager who sucks up well, knowing that you'll have to redo the entire project sometime within the next two weeks because the requirements for it are being modified again. And I have two or three of those little numbers sitting on my desk today. Hooray! (Can you picture my eyes rolling?)
But, with all that on my plate I'd better get at it I guess... See ya later...
The quote for the day on the calendar on my desk yesterday read, "Give me a heart as big as the universe!" (Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini) Which in the space I was in yesterday made me cringe just a little. I think my exact thoughts as I read were something along the lines of, "Shoot, I just prayed that as I read it. I don't want that. Especially not today when I'm finding just the little space around me overwhelming!" I'm vascillating today between wanting to pray for an ever expanding heart, and wanting desperately to avoid that very idea.
It's definitely autumn now. The weather is dry, and chilly.
I lack the ability to heat my body thoroughly on good days, but the last few days have been brutal. As I sit here writing I have two magic bags wrapped around me and a cup of passion tea at the ready. I caved to the changing weather (and the being tired of being an ice cube all day) and wore knee socks this morning too.
The last two hours of work yesterday were brutal, and produced a long list of extremely ridiculous demands on my time for today. Nothing like completing a project for a clueless manager who sucks up well, knowing that you'll have to redo the entire project sometime within the next two weeks because the requirements for it are being modified again. And I have two or three of those little numbers sitting on my desk today. Hooray! (Can you picture my eyes rolling?)
But, with all that on my plate I'd better get at it I guess... See ya later...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Daily 5 - Day 48
Today was not an easy day in any respect, making it more challenging to sit here tonight and come up with a daily 5, but here I am! Perhaps tomorrow I'll post a few photos from yesterday's wanderings...
Today's Daily 5:
Today's Daily 5:
- Discovering inadvertantly that someone else is taking up the daily 5 habit definitely made me smile.
- Seeing my mom for a treatment after work that helped to relax incredibly tight shoulder and neck muscles a bit
- A long hot shower, and letting the shower ease the sore muscles even further
- A quiet evening, sorting and uploading photos, while watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd
- home made chocolate chip cookies to round out the evening
Exhale...
It was an incredibly long day at the office today.
Flaring of various issues.
Controlling and manipulative people.
Passive agressivity.
Exhale.
It was good to get out of that atmosphere.
And better that I had a pre-arranged treatment at Mom's to help relax my overly tight muscles.
Exhale.
And keep breathing. And start again fresh tomorrow.
Flaring of various issues.
Controlling and manipulative people.
Passive agressivity.
Exhale.
It was good to get out of that atmosphere.
And better that I had a pre-arranged treatment at Mom's to help relax my overly tight muscles.
Exhale.
And keep breathing. And start again fresh tomorrow.
Of dreams, rebellion, surrender, and choosing differently
I am having a not so good morning, and right now, what I want to do more than anything is go home and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself. Probably not the most productive possibility, but it sure sounds good right now.
For much of the last two years, I've been existing in a space that was more dead than alive. Just under 50 days ago, I encountered Jesus (again) in a powerful way, and decided to start making some different choices. I decided I wanted my life back, that it could no longer be stolen by the powerful forces that I'd lived at the whim of for so long. I decided I was going to choose to really live. And, in the midst of that, to choose to be joyful, even in the midst of the really hard moments. To tackle the incredibly negative internal dialogue and try to see the world differently. The "Daily 5" lists that have been showing up regularly here on my blog are a part of that attempt to encounter the world differently, to be less overwhelmed by the seemingly negative, and to focus on the positive things in life.
There have been very smooth days, and very hard days in that process.
Today is a hard day.
I've not rested (though I've slept just a bit) in two nights.
I woke this morning from clear and disturbing dreams, touching deeply on themes of forgiveness, healthy boundaries, human relationships, family, friendships and hurt. Themes that lead to ongoing thoughts pondering the subjects of rebellion and surrender.
I dreamt indirectly of a particular couple that I grew up with. One of those really challenging couples if you're a pastor's kid. Very demanding, doesn't take "no" well, must know everything about your life and business. That kind of couple.
I dreamt of them (her actually) once before. About 5 or 6 years ago. In that dream my frustration was evident, as was my newly discovered ability to say "no." I distinctly remember waking from that dream, shocked, because I'd told her to f*** off. Not language I tend to use. Certainly not language that is common in my dreams. The dream unsettled me then, and the similar themes of boundaries, rebellion, and un-forgiveness of last night's dream (though minus the swearing) were just as unsettling today.
My definition of rebellion is becoming infinitely more subtle than it once was. It used to only include the overt behaviours - the "out loud" things of life. The two year old pitching a temper tantrum in the toy store because he was told he can't have his way. These days I wonder if rebellion is not a far more subtle thing. If it is not somehow rebellion each and every time I choose to harbor something because I feel it is my "right" to be hurt or indignant. If it is not rebellion that I choose at times to hold on to these things, when I know it is clearly not the way of Jesus.
Surrender is never easy. That letting go of my rights in favor of something bigger. And it doesn't seem to matter how many times I do it, it never gets much easier. It remains a challenge. Maybe it's that I have a strong sense of justice (imparted by my dad), and surrender rarely seems just. And yet, it seems somehow necessary.
Tears flowed, this morning, as I condsidered all these things, and listened to the song playing on the stereo as I drove. And even that listening was an act of surrender. Because I wasn't in the mood to surrender. I wanted to listen to the song that talked about the ooey-gooey love of Jesus for me, to feel good about myself, when I knew I was harboring some less than holy thoughts. The last song I wanted to put on was one with the rather telling title of "I Surrender." So I played the song and let the tears flow. Because my heart hurts and I really wanted to hang on to those hurts. Because I am exhausted and I never cope well with the world in those moments. Because inbetween two sleepless nights I had an eleven hour marathon of traveling and prayer and intensity yesterday, and I'm feeling spent. Because the justice I want will never be mine, and I will need to once again (to quote DC Talk!) "give up the rights to myself."
A friend reminded me in an early morning email that today is Yom Kippur - the day of Atonement. The holiest day of the year for Jews. I'd known it was coming, even commented to my roommate that the timing of my trip yesterday, the day before Yom Kippur was unique, but I'd forgotten in the crazyness of sleepless nights and a very full day.
The reminder hit hard, and is continuing to carry a certain weight with it as I pray and ponder the day. As I consider the dreams of last night, and my own broken heart, and a commitment to move forward with life. To choose joy amidst very trying circumstances. To see differently.
I have been challenged recently by the need to see differently. To take things like the dreams and thoughts and hurts to Jesus and ask "How do you see this?" or "What are you doing about this?" It's a series of thoughts that I'll perhaps write more about at a future time.
For the moment, I'm going to quietly go about my work day, let the themes of rebellion, surrender, forgiveness, atonement, and joy sit within me. And I'm going to ask Jesus "How do you see this? What are you doing about this? What are you asking me to do?" And I'm going to pray for ears that are able to hear his answers.
For much of the last two years, I've been existing in a space that was more dead than alive. Just under 50 days ago, I encountered Jesus (again) in a powerful way, and decided to start making some different choices. I decided I wanted my life back, that it could no longer be stolen by the powerful forces that I'd lived at the whim of for so long. I decided I was going to choose to really live. And, in the midst of that, to choose to be joyful, even in the midst of the really hard moments. To tackle the incredibly negative internal dialogue and try to see the world differently. The "Daily 5" lists that have been showing up regularly here on my blog are a part of that attempt to encounter the world differently, to be less overwhelmed by the seemingly negative, and to focus on the positive things in life.
There have been very smooth days, and very hard days in that process.
Today is a hard day.
I've not rested (though I've slept just a bit) in two nights.
I woke this morning from clear and disturbing dreams, touching deeply on themes of forgiveness, healthy boundaries, human relationships, family, friendships and hurt. Themes that lead to ongoing thoughts pondering the subjects of rebellion and surrender.
I dreamt indirectly of a particular couple that I grew up with. One of those really challenging couples if you're a pastor's kid. Very demanding, doesn't take "no" well, must know everything about your life and business. That kind of couple.
I dreamt of them (her actually) once before. About 5 or 6 years ago. In that dream my frustration was evident, as was my newly discovered ability to say "no." I distinctly remember waking from that dream, shocked, because I'd told her to f*** off. Not language I tend to use. Certainly not language that is common in my dreams. The dream unsettled me then, and the similar themes of boundaries, rebellion, and un-forgiveness of last night's dream (though minus the swearing) were just as unsettling today.
My definition of rebellion is becoming infinitely more subtle than it once was. It used to only include the overt behaviours - the "out loud" things of life. The two year old pitching a temper tantrum in the toy store because he was told he can't have his way. These days I wonder if rebellion is not a far more subtle thing. If it is not somehow rebellion each and every time I choose to harbor something because I feel it is my "right" to be hurt or indignant. If it is not rebellion that I choose at times to hold on to these things, when I know it is clearly not the way of Jesus.
Surrender is never easy. That letting go of my rights in favor of something bigger. And it doesn't seem to matter how many times I do it, it never gets much easier. It remains a challenge. Maybe it's that I have a strong sense of justice (imparted by my dad), and surrender rarely seems just. And yet, it seems somehow necessary.
Tears flowed, this morning, as I condsidered all these things, and listened to the song playing on the stereo as I drove. And even that listening was an act of surrender. Because I wasn't in the mood to surrender. I wanted to listen to the song that talked about the ooey-gooey love of Jesus for me, to feel good about myself, when I knew I was harboring some less than holy thoughts. The last song I wanted to put on was one with the rather telling title of "I Surrender." So I played the song and let the tears flow. Because my heart hurts and I really wanted to hang on to those hurts. Because I am exhausted and I never cope well with the world in those moments. Because inbetween two sleepless nights I had an eleven hour marathon of traveling and prayer and intensity yesterday, and I'm feeling spent. Because the justice I want will never be mine, and I will need to once again (to quote DC Talk!) "give up the rights to myself."
A friend reminded me in an early morning email that today is Yom Kippur - the day of Atonement. The holiest day of the year for Jews. I'd known it was coming, even commented to my roommate that the timing of my trip yesterday, the day before Yom Kippur was unique, but I'd forgotten in the crazyness of sleepless nights and a very full day.
The reminder hit hard, and is continuing to carry a certain weight with it as I pray and ponder the day. As I consider the dreams of last night, and my own broken heart, and a commitment to move forward with life. To choose joy amidst very trying circumstances. To see differently.
I have been challenged recently by the need to see differently. To take things like the dreams and thoughts and hurts to Jesus and ask "How do you see this?" or "What are you doing about this?" It's a series of thoughts that I'll perhaps write more about at a future time.
For the moment, I'm going to quietly go about my work day, let the themes of rebellion, surrender, forgiveness, atonement, and joy sit within me. And I'm going to ask Jesus "How do you see this? What are you doing about this? What are you asking me to do?" And I'm going to pray for ears that are able to hear his answers.
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