I'm completely spent again, and I can't really explain why. There's no particular reason, no particular thing that happened, I'm just spent, and I think tears are coming before the end of the night.
My judgement feels cloudy, my perspective warped. I'm tired, and nervous and over-emotional and over-thinking.
The fears are coming in hard and fast.
Funny how these sorts of nights happen.
I think I'm going to bed. Bed, a novel, maybe some tea. Then hopefully I'll sleep - the whole way through a night, preferably without dreaming.
I'm spent. And my judgement is clouded. I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Crazyness!
Just stopping in for a minute on my lunch break. Life is looking a little crazy from now until the moment right up until I leave.
People to see. Errands to run. Dozens of things to accomplish at the office. My temporary replacement to start training tomorrow. All sorts of things that have sat by the wayside for the last few weeks of busyness to catch up on. Cleaning to do.
Feeling slightly frazzled, and like I'm moving in 17 directions at once. Not loving the feeling, but knowing that it's really short term!
Later!
People to see. Errands to run. Dozens of things to accomplish at the office. My temporary replacement to start training tomorrow. All sorts of things that have sat by the wayside for the last few weeks of busyness to catch up on. Cleaning to do.
Feeling slightly frazzled, and like I'm moving in 17 directions at once. Not loving the feeling, but knowing that it's really short term!
Later!
Some Henri Nouwen Thoughts
I fell behind on sharing some thoughts from Henri Nouwen with you over the holidays, so here are several at once for you to chew on!
A Ministry that Never Ends
Reconciliation is much more than a one-time event by which a conflict is resolved and peace established. A ministry of reconciliation goes far beyond problem solving, mediation, and peace agreements. There is not a moment in our lives without the need for reconciliation. When we dare to look at the myriad hostile feelings and thoughts in our hearts and minds, we will immediately recognize the many little and big wars in which we take part. Our enemy can be a parent, a child, a "friendly" neighbor, people with different lifestyles, people who do not think as we think, speak as we speak, or act as we act. They all can become "them." Right there is where reconciliation is needed.
Reconciliation touches the most hidden parts of our souls. God gave reconciliation to us as a ministry that never ends.
Letting Go of Old Hurts
One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts. We often say, or at least think: "What you did to me and my family, my ancestors, or my friends I cannot forget or forgive. ... One day you will have to pay for it." Sometimes our memories are decades, even centuries, old and keep asking for revenge.
Holding people's faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to Paul: "For anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God's work" (2 Corinthians 5:17-18). Indeed, we cannot let go of old hurts, but God can. Paul says: "God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not holding anyone's fault against them" (2 Corinthians 5:19). It is God's work, but we are God's ministers, because the God who reconciled the world to God entrusted to us "the message of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:19). This message calls us to let go of old hurts in the Name of God. It is the message our world most needs to hear.
God's Imagination
So much of our energy, time, and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.
Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness, or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say, "I can't imagine." But God says, "That's what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image."
Expecting a Surprise
Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity.
Our Spiritual Parents
Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.
A Ministry that Never Ends
Reconciliation is much more than a one-time event by which a conflict is resolved and peace established. A ministry of reconciliation goes far beyond problem solving, mediation, and peace agreements. There is not a moment in our lives without the need for reconciliation. When we dare to look at the myriad hostile feelings and thoughts in our hearts and minds, we will immediately recognize the many little and big wars in which we take part. Our enemy can be a parent, a child, a "friendly" neighbor, people with different lifestyles, people who do not think as we think, speak as we speak, or act as we act. They all can become "them." Right there is where reconciliation is needed.
Reconciliation touches the most hidden parts of our souls. God gave reconciliation to us as a ministry that never ends.
Letting Go of Old Hurts
One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts. We often say, or at least think: "What you did to me and my family, my ancestors, or my friends I cannot forget or forgive. ... One day you will have to pay for it." Sometimes our memories are decades, even centuries, old and keep asking for revenge.
Holding people's faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to Paul: "For anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God's work" (2 Corinthians 5:17-18). Indeed, we cannot let go of old hurts, but God can. Paul says: "God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not holding anyone's fault against them" (2 Corinthians 5:19). It is God's work, but we are God's ministers, because the God who reconciled the world to God entrusted to us "the message of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:19). This message calls us to let go of old hurts in the Name of God. It is the message our world most needs to hear.
God's Imagination
So much of our energy, time, and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.
Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness, or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say, "I can't imagine." But God says, "That's what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image."
Expecting a Surprise
Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity.
Our Spiritual Parents
Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
January 1, 2008
I went to the park today. The park where I often go to think and pray. A sort of pilgrimage site for me. I couldn't stay very long - it was too cold to spend more than 15 or 20 minutes outside at a stretch this morning. It was short, but so needed. Hardly anyone else was in the park, so when I'd stop moving, there was a perfect silence. So peaceful and deep and filled with the presence of God.
I built a tiny altar near the river one day early this fall. A monument to some time spent praying and listening. Today I added these three stones - symbolizing nothing and so many things. Three stones as I let my heart wander and talked with Jesus.After the park I ended up driving around the city. A weird pilgrimage of sorts. To a number of places I've gone over the years to pray. Along routes that were some of the first places where I began to hear the voice of the Father, where it became more than a one-sided conversation. Places I drove and screamed at God while I was depressed. Places I drove and prayed in wonderment those first few months after I was healed. Places where I drove with desperately broken people in my passenger seat, talking and praying. Places and routes full of memories and nostalgia. And as I drove, I let the memories float back, and I prayed for the future. It was such a special time, a great way to start a new year!
This is a picture of my baby brother, T. and I. We had a movie date tonight. (We saw quite possibly the worst movie on the planet, "Enchanted" on the recommendation of one of T's friends. Instead of mutually enjoying a movie, we ended up bonding over rolled eyes, glances at our watches and groans of almost physical pain at the ridiculously bad nature of the movie.) We're hoping to have dinner together on Monday night, but if we can't, well, then tonight was the last time we'll see each other until I get back from Malta.There is joy in T's smile again these last few days that has been missing for quite a while. I'm still praying that his wrist will be healed - whether supernaturally or with another surgery. I'd love it if you would pray with me for that. That he'll fully get his music back one day. But it made me happy to see the joy in his eyes again.
I asked him to pray for me before we separated for the evening. My church is commissioning me for my trip to Malta on Sunday, but T. will be out of town. I really wanted to hear him pray for me, as the sibling and family member who is most able to hear and accept my heart, and my differences from the family and religious structure I grew up in. He agreed and prayed blessing and other beautiful things over my life, my trip, my relationships. Such a special moment, sitting there in the car, parked in front of my parent's house in the dark, and hearing my baby brother talk to Jesus about me.
This was a good way to start a new year.
Headlines to start the new year
I'll write something of my own later. I'm still mulling, waiting for the words to begin to form and spill out of my head and onto paper or a screen.
For the moment, though, I've been spending the last half-hour or so reading international news headlines from the various regions of the world that have begun to be on my radar as my heart is broadened to the world. It would seem that it hasn't been a particularly peaceful start to the new year. Here are some of the headlines that caught my eye and my heart today:
Kenyans Burned to Death in Church
US Diplomat Dies in Sudan Attack
Pakistan Early Poll 'Impossible'
Leading Sri Lanka Tamil MP Killed
Praying for the world tonight before heading out for a while with my baby brother...
For the moment, though, I've been spending the last half-hour or so reading international news headlines from the various regions of the world that have begun to be on my radar as my heart is broadened to the world. It would seem that it hasn't been a particularly peaceful start to the new year. Here are some of the headlines that caught my eye and my heart today:
Kenyans Burned to Death in Church
US Diplomat Dies in Sudan Attack
Pakistan Early Poll 'Impossible'
Leading Sri Lanka Tamil MP Killed
Praying for the world tonight before heading out for a while with my baby brother...
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