Nightfall

It's getting late (in my grandma like world of weird sleeping patterns!), and I must be off to bed soon, but thought I'd do a little writing, a few snapshots of the day before I headed to bed.

I went shopping at the dollar store this afternoon. I bought something like 20 items, mostly things that I will need for establishing my own home, for around twenty-two dollars. That made me VERY happy.

I can now access wireless internet with my laptop anywhere in the house. Hello blogging in bed! Also blogging in the living room, emails in the easy chair, and facebook in the basement (to name a few).

I hung out with Megs tonight. We watched "Freedom Writers" and ate "sex in a pan." She drank coffee, and I had tea, and we buried ourselves under blankets (my basement is COLD) and had a great time. I really liked the movie. We were, however, both disappointed in Patrick Dempsey's character. So completely un "mcdreamy"!

Megs left a few minutes ago to work the night shift, and I'm heading off to do a little bit of reading before crashing for the night. Short work week this week. So good.

I'm thinking a lot about the tattoo that I'm hoping to get lately. I'll describe it here sometime. It's a picture God gave me a few months back, from some words that various friends spoke out over me. It's also becoming very symbolic of the place in life that I'm in. Rae is designing it, and we'll probably get tattoos (different ones) done together sometime over the course of the summer. (I'm totally wimpy, and have always sworn that there would never be anything that I'd want permanently etched on my body, but I really want this.)

On the whole tattoo note - can I just say that I think my generation is going to be the ugliest generation of old people ever? I keep picturing all of us with tattoos, and piercings, and those awful stretched out earlobes when we're eighty and everything is sagging all over the place. Hideously funny, I think!

Anyway, I'm off to bed. I wish the noise of the rain was there, like last night. It was so peaceful to fall asleep to...

Shut down

I feel somewhat shut down emotionally right now, and at the same time intensely aware. Does that make any sense at all?

The emotional stuff that I don't quite know how to handle is taking it's usual toll on my body. The muscles along my spine have tightened into painful knots, and my neck is perpetually stiff and sore. Add a bad bout of spring allergies to the mix and you've got all the makings of a good week.

I need to find some people to talk some of this out with sometime soon... The church stuff, the family stuff again. Trouble is that at the moment almost all of the people I would immediately pinpoint as people who could listen actively - that is, help me hear the parts of God and myself that I really need to hear in the midst of all of this - all of those people are on other continents or in other cities just presently! So I'll either be having some longish phone conversations in the coming days, writing epic length emails, or finding some new friends!

I came across a piece of writing I did on Christmas Eve last year this morning. I posted it on my blog then, and it rings so very true now. The time of transition has arrived, and like any great transition, I have absolutely no idea how it's going to play out.

I really am okay. I have this trust in Jesus right now that shocks me. I have this understanding of the deep level of healing he has brought in the past, and the hope that it too will come again soon.

Doing lots of praying these days. Lots of talking, and lots of listening too. Lots of waiting. (I'm not very good at waiting.) But I trust, and while that surprises me every time I pause and think about it, I think that it's a very good thing.

hmm...

I picked T. up from work tonight. We were supposed to meet a mutual friend who's headed out of the country this weekend. She didn't show. We waited for over half an hour, and nothing.

But we had a great conversation instead. T. and I are pretty close, and he's been gone for the last two and a half weeks on a tour with the choir from his school. It was great to catch up, to talk about life, about the spiritual stuff, about forthcoming changes. T. is the one member of my family that it feels safe to be completely honest about the things I'm thinking, the things I believe, who I really am. I'll miss conversations with him when I move out, but will simply have to be more intentional about hooking up with him to catch up.

Silent

The voice inside my head that translates thoughts into writing has been strangely silent the last few days. Almost like I dumped enough stuff out that it doesn't feel like my head will explode if I don't write down just that one more thing. (In case you're wondering, this is a VERY good thing! It means I'm feeling more at peace and less overwhelmed than I have in a while.)

I started reading a great book on youth ministry this week. It's explaining to me in a very clear way why I've been so unhappy and ill at ease in the church I attend and do youth ministry at. It's challenging me for the future (though I don't know if much youth ministry is actually in my future I know there will be counseling in my future, and I have a heart for young women, so I figure it applies). It's shaping my thoughts about life and faith.

I'll tell you all about it and give you some great quotes once I finish reading it.

In the meantime, I'm off to pick up my brother and hang out with a mutual friend who heads back overseas for a month this weekend.

See you soon.

Today's Headline

Anyone who knows me will know that I am quite fascinated by mental health issues. As such, the headline that caught my eye today should be no surprise. It deals with the mental health issues that have arisen in New Orleans, post Hurrican Katrina, and the lack of available facilities to treat them. You can find it here.