God at Work?

It's funny how we can talk about not confining where God will work, but we don't really ever expect Him to show up in certain arenas of our lives. My work place is like that. While I have enjoyed being a "gift registry consultant" for the last year, I'm tired of the job, and ready to move into something full time that won't require me to work evenings and weekends all the time anymore. My coworkers are a big part of the reason I'm ready to move on - and one in particular. I had a nasty (on her part not mine - I think I managed to hold my tongue quite admirably since I was ready to quit on the spot!) encounter with her on Wednesday evening during my shift, and wasn't looking forward at all to going into work yesterday because I knew I would be with her for six of the eight hours I was working.

In fact, as I headed into work, I was angry, I was dreading being there, I was tempted to be sick and stay home - anything to avoid having to spend time with this one woman. But I'm kind of responsible that way, so sick was out.

I arrived at work and immediately began working on a task that I complete on my own. While I was working I decided to work on my attitude, and began humming or whistling some worship songs. I really wasn't looking for any kind of God encounter, I mostly wanted to focus on the lyrics playing through my head, and was hoping that thinking about something "happy" or "good" like God would improve my mood.

So I'm humming away, stuffing packages for brides, and answering the occasional question from my coworkers or from clients, and suddenly God starts talking. Nothing super profound. The coworker I was struggling with came into the room I was working in to make a phone call and God tells me to pray. Nothing specific, just pray, so I pray a few sentences and go back to the song. This happened a couple different times - God directing me to pray, or pointing out certain lyrics in the songs I was humming.

What caught me as I thought about it after I got home last night was that God honored my desire for a changed attitude, and showed up. It's hard to pray, even a few sentences for someone in your head, when you're totally angry at them. I'm not saying I've fallen in love with this woman - in fact, I'm glad that today at work will be relatively stress free because she has the day off, but my attitude changed and the shift went smoothly. I focused on God, and He showed up, and that surprised me more than anything.

And, as I think about it, my job does provide an awful lot of opportunities to pray. Because every couple we meet with is about to embark on marriage in a society that tells them that it's an outdated institution, or one that is not necessarily permanent. Or there's the lesbian couple we got the email from yesterday who were upset because the cards in which we write messages from the wedding guests to the couple have a man and a woman on the front, and they'd like them to be gender neutral. There's the single mom (about my age) with a five year old son who's a coworker. There's the coworker who lives with her long-time, expects to marry him someday, boyfriend, who's been having problems and fighting with him lately. And so many more. Maybe if I approach my workplace as a place that God might actually want to hang out at it'll make the time I have left until I find a new position more bearable?

Receiving and Giving

I wrote this last night, during house church.

Luke 6:38 (NLT) - Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and pouring into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.

There has been a shift in my life in the last month or so. Not necessarily a good shift. I have begun to resent God's call on my life to give - especially to such broken people. He has given me such a heart for the broken, but in the last while I have lost a bit of that. The heart is there, but I have begun to resent what it represents, what it calls me to. I have begun to ask God why I'm not receiving in return - when I will get my payback for what I have poured out, rather than simply being willing to obey and give. "Why aren't you seeing MY brokenness God? How come you're sending me to pour out my life for others and you're not sending someone to pour out their life for me?"

It's a very selfish sort of obedience. A grumpy following rather than a following with joy. A sense of "when am I going to get my just rewards?"

Father, I confess my selfish heart. I just want You. Soften my heart again. Restore within me Your heart. Let me see those to whom You ask me to give with Your eyes and not my own. Give me Your heart for the brokenness in their lives, Your desire for their healing. Forgive my selfish desires. Abba, I belong to You. I'm Yours. Wherever you want, wherever you say, that's where I want to be. I love You.

Day Off

Today was my day off. I worked the last six straight days, and today was my one day off. I'm off again on Saturday, because I took the day off to attend a good friend's wedding.

I love lazy days off with no particular agenda. I did a couple errands by myself this morning, and a couple more with my mom. I spent a half hour or so reading in my back yard, soaking up the sun. I would have spent longer, but I have this ridiculously pale skin that is slightly pink after only thirty minutes and would be painfully red after any greater length of time. I did some reading in the bathtub, and some cleaning in my bedroom. I helped chop vegetables to be grilled with our supper. This is the best kind of day in my opinion.

Lots of time to just be, and lots of time to simply think.

Here's what I've been thinking about today. It seems that the new things God is doing in my life would require a completely different personality than my own. I keep asking Him if He meant to pick someone different for the things He's asking of me.

I got an email today that challenged me. A new friend was responding to some questions and concerns I'd sent to him last week. He suggested once again that I speak of my concerns in a corporate setting, that I speak clearly about the things on my heart and see what God does. I really think that God meant for someone else to do this. Yes, I've been stepping out in a lot of new ways this last while. But I've got to be honest - I don't like tension or confrontation all that much. In fact, I'd much rather avoid them completely. And I definitely don't like anything that draws attention to myself. I feel inadequate - uncertain that the things that I am experiencing as concerns, the things I feel that God has revealed to me are things that I am qualified to speak to. Or even things that are acceptable to be feeling. Maybe they aren't God?

The Holy Spirit confuses me. I don't understand at all the things He seems to be doing in my life. I don't understand this place I find myself in. I'm not necessarily all that upset about a lack of understanding - more that there seems to be so little clarity - so many shades of gray. I find myself begging for Him to release me from certain situations - to give me the freedom to move on to new things alongside some friends, and yet, He hasn't released me. And so I continue to live in this place of tension. I'm not so good at discerning His voice. It confuses me that my dream life is open to both the Spirit of God, and to attack from the enemy. It confuses me that this following God thing seems so easy for some, and so conflict ridden for me. I wonder how to scripturally defend the new things I have experienced with God over the last months. More importantly, I'm wondering how or if I even should explain them to my parents and brothers. I feel at times very alone. I don't know who to ask these questions about the Spirit of God, who to wrestle through my struggles with my church with. I need to process verbally - I am very auditory, and yet I don't know who would be safe to sit and have these sorts of conversations with.

But, despite what would seem to be very angst ridden thoughts, this has been a relaxing day off. Tonight is house church, and that always increases the angst for a while, but I fully intend to go, to look to receive from Christ, and then to come home, to sleep, and to start the rest of my week off tomorrow.

A Strong Heritage

It hasn't been the most brilliant day. A situation has come up with a close friend that I will probably have to deal with tomorrow. At the very least I need to say some things to her that she may not want to hear, and ask her to stop leaving drunken voicemails on my cell phone in the middle of the night. It's time to figure out how to stop enabling self-destructive behavior.

But that's not what I've been thinking about for the last hour. Some of you know that one of my aunts is a Roman Catholic nun. I was browsing through her community's website for the last half hour and came upon something that made me grateful once again for at least a semi-godly heritage. Yes, there are a great number of failings in both sides of my extended family, but I have been blessed with parents who genuinely seek the heart of God, as well as a scattered few aunts and uncles who do the same. I was reading the statement of mission for my aunt's community, and loved it and thought I'd share it here.

We, the Sisters of St. Agnes, participate in the mission of Christ by joyful service in the Church, always aware that we, too, are among the needy and are enriched by those we serve.
Inspired by our founders--by the missionary zeal of Father Caspar Rehrl, the courageous initiatives of Mother Agnes Hazotte and the spiritual influence of Father Francis Haas--we continue to respond in our own times to those whose faith life or human dignity is threatened.
Rooted in Christ through prayer and worship we serve in both rural and urban settings throughout the United States and in Latin America.
We strive to minister with simplicity and hospitality in the fields of education, health care, pastoral ministry and social service.
We are committed to transformation of the world, the Church and ourselves through promoting
- systemic change for the quality of life
- justice for the economically poor
- furtherance of the role of women in church and society
- mutuality, inclusivity and collaboration.
Love binds us together, and by sharing our lives and our faith in community, we support one another to live with singleness of purpose: that among us and in our world the Risen Christ be discovered and revealed.

I'm so grateful for a heritage that pushes me to seek more of God, even if the method in which I'm choosing to seek Him is not always the method that my family members would have chosen. (You can find out more about my aunt's community here.)

A Sticky Situation

I continue to find myself involved in a rather tense situation, involving a great number of close friends, and our church. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to write a pages long rant, detailing the situation and naming names, it would be both unfair to the people involved, and less than fruitful at this moment.

Every time I think the situation is beginning to smooth or resolve, it gets stirred yet again.

This afternoon I sat with a very close friend, someone who I would have never expected to say the things she did about this situation. In fact, a couple of months ago when I said similar things to her, she to some extent dismissed my concerns. But, they've come home and begun to affect her personally, and she has made a very difficult decision. After more than three years, she's moving on - not completely out of our church, but out of a community within the church that we've both been part of for those three years. If this shift doesn't go well for her, if it turns out that what she's been experiencing is endemic to the whole church and not just one community, then she will leave entirely.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've expressed my concerns to someone in leadership, only to have them glossed over, assumed that they were someone else's concerns, or not responded to at all. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I've told myself to be patient, that change doesn't happen immediately. I've even taken what feels like some big risks in sharing very personal parts of my journey. I still don't feel completely released to follow my friend and switch communities. And yet, I feel at times that I am slowly strangling in the place where I am at present. I'm watching close friends - heart friends - get hurt, or make painful decisions, or simply walk away from a church community that has in the past brought great healing to all of us.

How do you make a decision about this kind of thing? I don't even know anymore how to pray... God, help.