What was, and what is, and what will be?

It was quite the weekend.

Full of so many things that aren't quite right for public consumption. But I can give you the higlights (or lowlights) and you can ask for details over a shared cup of tea sometime if you like.

Last week was rough. And Friday, leading into the weekend, topped the charts on rough in many ways.

I spent Friday night after work crashed on the couch, catching up on favorite television shows online. I sort of refused to do anything "spiritual". So I laid there, and ate, and rested, and let my mind wander. I even engaged a little bit in my new favorite "decadent" past time. Since I haven't been reading novels in this last season, and it's hard to read non-fiction (which I need to read with a pen in hand if I'm going to concentrate and retain what I'm reading) in the bath-tub, I've been having a bit harder time figuring out how to really enjoy those long baths that I love. I don't find it all that relaxing to just lay there in the quiet, I just kinda find it boring. Reading a novel was the perfect way in the past to combat that... a nice escape into another world for an hour or so. So, thanks to the beauty of wireless internet, my new favorite decadent bath-time pastime is to put a nice clay mask on my face, prop my laptop on the toilet, and watch a TV show or movie while I'm laying in a bubble bath!

Saturday morning was one of those days when the impact of the week came crashing in. The harder things were deeply present, and I was immediately restless on waking. When my roommate emerged from the shower, I greeted her, and we decided to go out for breakfast. We'd already been planning to go grocery shopping, so we just tagged breakfast on the front end, and several other errands on the back end of the grocery shopping. We also decided as we were getting ready to head out for breakfast that we would spend Sunday in the mountains.

When we got home from several hours of breakfasting and shopping, we both settled in on the couch. I needed to sew some buttons on a jacket I'd just purchased, and there was a movie I'd felt prompted all last week to rent that I needed to start watching. Those of you who know me well know how sensitive I am to movies, how much the images can imprint themselves on my mind and heart, and how that can affect my already messed up sleep and dream life. This movie was one I knew would be difficult, and it hasn't failed. I made it through probably the first hour and a bit, and there are images seared on my heart. Things that make me aske the question, "how can we let humans do these things to other humans? how did we as a human race let this happen?" I'll go back over the course of the evenings this week and finish watching.

Saturday night was taken up with church. My brother and his girlfriend attend a local bible school, that is supported by the largest church in our city. Each year, for one weekend, the school takes over the services at the church. The president of the college preaches, the school's touring worship band leads, and the choir sings. I'd attended this weekend last year, and the Lord used it deeply in my heart in the midst of a difficult season, and I was more than willing to attend again this year. T. and L. (his girlfriend) are both part of the worship band and the choir and I would have attended if for no other reason than to support them. By special request of T. (who is not a big fan of the mega-church thing and has trouble enjoying leading worship there) I sat a few rows from the front (I'm usually a near the back of the church kind of girl!) so that he would see me and smile! (Choir etc. has been a bit of a challenge for he and L. this year because of a new director, and the teasing we've shared about that always shows on my face when I attend one of their concerts, and this makes him smile. Plus, when he's concentrating on the music, he sometimes forgets the smile, so having someone who he knows well smiling back at him can help a bit.)

I should have known, when my heart began to melt into tears in that "oh my, Jesus is close to me right now" way as the president of the college took the stage to give the message that I was in for it. But it's been a while since I've felt that in a church setting, and the first few minutes of his message, while interesting, weren't anything that caught at me. I'd stuffed the emotions back into place within me, when he began to read his text for the evening. My sharp intake of breath, and the shock on my face had my roommate, sitting next to me, and used to the fact that church can "mess me up," turning to check if I was okay. The text was one that had been playing incessantly in my head for the whole week, in the midst of a number of really challenging things. It was one that had been shared at a concert I attended, and had grabbed at me. I'm not yet ready to share what it was, or the things it is doing in my heart, but it was quite a shock to attend a large church on a Sunday night and hear that same text preached.

As for yesterday, I think I'll save that for another post. This one is getting lengthy, and I need to turn my attention to other things for a while. Suffice it to say that the day away in the mountains was lovely, but that re-entry to the city and the realities of my life right now was extraordinarily rough. I have some lovely pictures from the time in the mountains, and some thoughts on both the time away and on re-entry to share a bit later.