Sunday Morning Thoughts

I've missed church this last while. Every time I say that, I duck and wait for the onslaught of comments from my peers about breaking out of religion and so forth. About empty structures and lack of true faith. And then, if I add this next statement, I feel fairly certain that I'm about to become a social pariah, the most unpopular person I know. I actually like church and structure. In fact, the older I become and the more I come to know Jesus deeply, the more drawn I am to the most highly structured ancient liturgical forms.

I've not been regularly part of a church since June of last year. And I'll be the first to admit that I needed at least some of that time away. To detox from the crazy year I've had. To figure out what things matter to me. To be hungry again for community and corporate worship and prayer and study of the scripture.

I've been accused of being religious. I've been accused of only liking church because I'm a pastor's kid and I'm addicted to it in an unhealthy way. I've been told that I need to blow off all the shackles that religious structure brings, and just meet God. I suppose all of those things have been true at moments, but I sometimes wonder if the people who say them to me aren't simply trying to justify their own decision to not be part of a formal church structure. At times these words have been extraordinarily hurtful, like being told to cut off from yourself a limb. I'm not a big fan of amputating things just because someone else thinks they look bad.

In the last few months I've become desperately hungry for a church again. But I want it to be the right place for my heart. I've tried a few. Asked around with some friends about a few others. But mostly I've asked Jesus to lead me on Sunday mornings, to make it clear if I need to be in church somewhere, or show me where to go. I've reminded him that this year has been exhausting, and I don't have a lot of emotional reserves for the process of church shopping, and I've been asking him to supernaturally direct me to a church, to point one out as I'm driving, or make clear that a suggestion from a friend is a place I need to start.

When the new year started, I felt that Jesus was challenging me to learn to ask him to provide my own needs, to pray for myself, and not just the needs of others. As I listened to him, I made what I call my "Be relentless" list. As in "be relentless in asking for these things". There are four items on that list, and one of them is the provision of a church community.

So far, not much has really come of that, and most Sunday mornings, as I've prayed about attending somewhere, I've ended up visiting the zoo and hanging out with the gorillas. (For those of you who don't know, the gorilla enclosure is the one place other than wrapped in the arms of a dear friend who lives far away, that I feel truly peaceful, almost 100% of the time.)

I'm thinking about all this this morning because when I woke up, I again wanted to go to church. It's Sunday morning, and it's the Lenten season, one which is always deep for me, and I'd like to spend time in corporate worship somewhere. But I'm also not into striving to make something that doesn't quite fit, fit. I really do believe Jesus will make a church clear in the appropriate timing, and as I grow increasingly lonely for community, I pray that that timing will be soon.

I sent a text message to a friend this morning, asking if he's going to church today. Like me, he hasn't been part of a community for quite some time, but has recently found a community he enjoys. If he texts me back and is attending a service, I'll likely join him this morning. But if I haven't heard from him in the next hour or so, I'm going to the zoo. To hang out with the gorillas, and pray through my "Be Relentless" list again. I'll talk with Jesus while I drive there and back. I'll probably see if I can see the new baby monkey, and I'll track down the new exhibit with koala bears. I'll probably pick up tea from starbucks (which is really just another form of prayer for me), and maybe go for a drive and see what Jesus would like to show me.

And then I'll come home, and move on with my day.

Meal planning and grocery shopping.

Sorting out a phone bill that has been a problem all week.

Writing a piece that has been bugging me for over a week, but that I've been avoiding exploring.

Reading.

Resting.