Reflecting on where I'm at...

I would like to be able to approach everything in life at 100%.

The reality right now is that I can't.

Today, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I'm feeling a bit like my energy is coming back.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of work stress.

I'm wishing I could approach every ministry commitment, every coffee date with a friend, every family commitment, every prayer I pray with 100% energy and strength, but I'm learning to be okay when I can't.

I talked a few days ago here about the fact that my soul feels quiet right now - and that that unsettles me, but seems to be a good thing.

I go home at night right now and collapse on the couch for the evening, too tired to attack the dozens of things around my house that need doing.

My bedroom, normally my place of rest and refuge, a place I generally keep tidy and peaceful, looks like a warzone, the debris of clothing and paperwork and weekend trips from the last few weeks strewn everywhere. It bothers me, but I haven't had the energy to fix it.

I haven't been eating much lately either. My stomach doesn't handle stress and exhaustion well. I've been managing to keep down maybe one full meal a day, and a few snacks here and there. Today I'm trying to only eat when I'm really hungry, and see if I can con my stomach into accepting a bit more food.

I've been collapsing into bed at night - falling asleep in the middle of pages of my novel or whatever I happen to be reading.

Last night, as I flipped open my bible to do my nightly reading before sleep, I felt Jesus prompting me to read something more challenging for a change. I've been reading the Psalms for months now. It's all I've felt up to reading - and the Lord has been speaking deeply to my heart as I read them. But last night I felt the prompting to move my reading outside of the Psalms and begin to challenge myself a little more deeply again. So I started reading the book of Daniel. And I think I'll probably go back to reading some of the Gospels again - saturating myself in the words and actions of Jesus.

I'm sharing unexpectedly about my trip to Malta in a staff meeting this afternoon. I work for a Christian company, and circulated my prayer letter to our staff by email, but this morning my boss asked me if I would talk a little about the trip in our meeting. This isn't that unusual for our company, but was unexpected today. I'm asking Jesus for just the right words to communicate my excitement and my heart for the trip.

The quietness of my soul is beginning to permeate my life. Today, for the first time in a week, my body doesn't completely ache with stiff muscles. I slept better (and longer) last night than I have in a while. I'm carrying deep in my heart prayers for friends who are struggling. I'm feeling slightly restored today - like I can face the remainder of the week, and the ones that come after it. Like I can face the holidays, and the time demands of preparing to leave for Malta just after the new year.

I'm taking the bus home tonight. I'm going to read the chapters of Velvet Elvis that I'm teaching a Bible study on tomorrow night. I'm going to cook myself dinner tonight - fresh baby potatoes and asparagus. Maybe salad and some chicken or pork. I'm going to treat myself to an evening in front of the television, but I'm going to multi-task and do laundry and catch up on some administrative stuff like my budget at the same time. And I may invite a friend over to watch television with me. I'm going to take a long shower, and style my hair so that I can wear it down tomorrow morning. I may even start cleaning my bedroom.

I'm feeling quiet, but I feel my strength coming back in a way it hasn't been for a few months. My heart is at rest within me for the moment, and I feel a sense of peace. I'm feeling like this is a crazy, stretching, but really good space to be occupying.

More from Henri Nouwen

I got a few more good thoughts from the Henri Nouwen society the last couple of days, and thought that I'd pass them along to you.

The Peaceable Kingdom

All of creation belongs together in the arms of its Creator. The final vision is that not only will all men and women recognise that they are brothers and sisters called to live in unity but all members of God's creation will come together in complete harmony. Jesus the Christ came to realise that vision. Long before he was born, the prophet Isaiah saw it:

The wolf will live with the lamb, the panther lie down with the kid, calf, lion and fat-stock beast together, with a little boy to lead them. The cow and the bear will graze, their young will lie down together. The lion will eat hay like the ox. The infant will play over the den of the adder; the baby will put his hand into the viper's lair. No hurt, no harm will be done on all my holy mountain, for the country will be full of knowledge of Yahweh as the waters cover the sea. (Isaiah 11:6-9)

We must keep this vision alive.

Energizing Visions

Are the great visions of the ultimate peace among all people and the ultimate harmony of all creation just utopian fairy tales? No, they are not! They correspond to the deepest longings of the human heart and point to the truth waiting to be revealed beyond all lies and deceptions. These visions nurture our souls and strengthen our hearts. They offer us hope when we are close to despair, courage when we are tempted to give up on life, and trust when suspicion seems the more logical attitude. Without these visions our deepest aspirations, which give us the energy to overcome great obstacles and painful setbacks, will be dulled and our lives will become flat, boring, and finally destructive. Our visions enable us to live the full life.

Quiet again

I feel like a lot of parts of my life are quiet right now. In a weirdly intense kind of way.

Like there just aren't a lot of words to go around the things that are going on in me.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I kind of want the control of being able to name exactly what I'm experiencing.

On the other hand, I know that the things I'm going through are deep and beautiful, and worth experiencing, even if they can't be named or controlled.

So, I'm quiet again.

Tired...

Have you ever had those times when you're so chronically behind on sleep that even when you've had a decent night's rest, you still feel fuzzy and completely exhausted? I'm there right now, though I've only had about 2 proper nights of sleep in the past couple of weeks.

Work remains crazy. I told someone this morning, "I'm really good at multi-tasking, but right now, if anyone asks me for one more thing, my brain may implode." I am a methodical, linear thinker by nature. I like to do one thing, from start to finish, or at least to a good stopping point, before I start the next thing. This is an impossibility at the moment, and it's taxing my limited mental reserves.

I'm wondering where I'm going to find the energy to read and write a Bible study about chapters 5 and 6 of Velvet Elvis before Thursday night when I have to lead a Bible study about said chapters. I tried to read a novel that I've read several times previously just for a few minutes last night, and fully fell asleep making the attempt. Not sure how I'm going to manage to stay awake and think coherently enought to create discussion questions around 2 full chapters of a book.

The stress and exhaustion are affecting my appetite again. I'm subsisting on mandarin oranges and crackers, and even those aren't sitting all that well. I'm also eating chocolate, because it's appealing, my body doesn't seem to be rejecting it, and it gives me the little sugar rushes I've been needing. (I know - SO not healthy, but I'm working on it!) I'm drinking water by the gallon as well.

I need a nap - or to stay home from work for a day and do nothing but sleep. I can't do either. I don't have time.

One month from today I'll be on a plane to Malta - how crazy is that?

Until later!

Perspective

Someone asked me this morning why, if I hate my job so much, I don't just quit.

Here's the answer. I don't hate my job in general. I hate my job right now. I hate the stress. I hate the time crunch, and being the last person in line to receive the items, but the one who has to do the most to them to get them out the door. I hate being blamed for things I can't control, and being the punching bag for other people's stress. I hate my boss' current pushing of an attitude of "I will try my hardest to get that done" instead of "It won't be done today." I'm a realist - I will always try my hardest, but if I tell you it won't be done today, it probably won't be done today.

I have perspective. I know that in a week or two it will calm down around here again. I know that a month from tomorrow I will be getting on a plane to go to Malta for a month. I know that I will train a temp to do my job while I'm in Malta, and that I'll miss the busiest time of year for my job (with the exception of the next couple weeks). I know that, sometime in the spring or summer, when I make the next overseas trip, I won't have this job to come back to. That means this season is coming to an end, and I can stick it out (even when I really hate it) for the next while until the season really does end.