Coming Into Herself

It's no secret that Grey's Anatomy has played a huge role in my life and journey for the last seven years.

God has spoken to me over and over and over again through the years in the various episodes.

And, in a lot of ways, I feel like my journey has very much paralleled that of the characters, particularly of Meredith.  That sort of coming of age, and growing into oneself, and healing and overcoming the "dark and twisty" pasts.

I was thinking about that journey again on Saturday night as I watched last week's episode of Grey's, transcribing the monologue for the blog I maintain with the various monologues from each episode on it.

It wasn't so much the monologue that caught me in that episode, as the decision Meredith had to make.

She had her choice of two clinical trials to participate in.  One was seeking a cure for the Alzheimers, the disease that her mom died of.  The other, being pushed at her by the chief of surgery, was working to cure diabetes, and was being promoted as her "birthright" - her legacy.  It was based on research left behind in her mother's journals, and she was being told that it was really very much hers to carry on her mother's work.

And so I watched as she wrestled with the decision.  With the pressure coming from the chief, and, to a great extent, the pressure of her terrible relationship with her deceased mother, and all the years of wounding and healing that that had led to.

And I watched, as, at the end of the episode, she walked back into the chief's office, finds him poring over her mother's old journals, listens to his pitch one more time, and then calmly handed back to him the folder of information on his proposed trial.  "You knew the woman who wrote them.  That's why I gave them to you.  I was happy to read them and to understand her better, but the woman I knew was different.  But I am starting to realize how scared she must have been.  That had to be why she was writing everything down.  She must have been so scared.  So please, go ahead, I think it's right that you continue her work, but I really, just, want to cure her disease.  Good night, Chief."

I'm having trouble finding words for it, but watching that scene was a moment of clarity for me.  In a way that her character hasn't before, she was able to say, "No.  Despite all these other things, present and past, this is who I am, and I don't want to carry on her legacy, I just want to prevent the thing that killed her from killing others."

She stepped into herself, and in watching that I felt Jesus reminding me that I am learning to do this to.  That on the same night I watched that episode, I'd had a realization of an area in which I needed to step into myself again.  That that night I was able to see a decision that needed to be made, and make it.

It's an interesting thing, this coming into oneself.  This thing where it becomes about me and God, not me and all the people I try at times to please.  Not me and all the fears and guilt and pressures.  But me and God, and He offers me the chance to step into myself.  To heal a little tiny bit more (because that is my one word for the year).  And if I turn Him down, it's disobedience, and sin.

And so I'm choosing to step into myself in this moment.  To make that choice, to be obedient.  And I'm looking forward to seeing the results.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 181

Today's Daily 5:

1. Spending a large portion of the day in my pajamas
2. Sunday morning watching Top Chef on the Food Network - rapidly becoming a favorite part of my week
3. a LONG bubble bath reading a novel this afternoon
4. thankful that though my knee is quite sore from where I hurt it yesterday, it's not bruised, and seems to be responding to ice and a natural health treatment.  The pain is decreasing already, which is fabulous, since I have to do a bunch of walking tomorrow.
5. studying in bed for a midterm.  if you have to study, bed is a good place to do it!

Crazy Love

For the last number of months (five or so, I think), my house church has been reading and studying Francis Chan's book, "Crazy Love," together.  Just this last week, we finished it.  It's been (in my opinion) a really good thing for our house church to read and study like this together, and Crazy Love has been an ideal fit for us, since there is also a very affordable DVD curriculum available, with one 8-10 minute video for each chapter, and included discussion starters.

To be honest, I'm more excited about what studying together has done for our little house church, than I am about the actual content of the book.  Reading and studying together has stirred discussion, has brought out opinions from some of the quieter people, has inspired people to step up and agree to lead discussion, or to read and get involved.

The content of the book itself, didn't feel new to me.  That said, I read fairly widely, and have read several titles that challenge the reader to take the call of the gospels to follow Christ seriously.

There were two chapters I found particularly striking, however.

The first was chapter 4 - Profile of the Lukewarm.  It wasn't so much that the information was new, just that it was presented in a way that was a hard to ignore - a way that caused me to stop again and consider how I'm living, to stop and pray and ask the Lord what I need to be aware of.  Using the parable of the seeds and the sower, Chan cautions readers, "Do not assume you are good soil."  (pg. 67)  He goes on to list a number of characteristics of the lukewarm.  Characteristics like:

Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church...as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living.  If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so.  After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right? (pg. 69)

Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.  They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them.  Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.  (pg. 70)

Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.  Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with.  There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, whose kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable.  Their love is highly conditional and very selective and comes with strings attached.  (pg. 73)

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God. (pg. 77)

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to.  They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don't need God to help them - they have their retirement plan in place.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. (pg. 78)

Challenging, huh?

The other chapter (Chapter 8 - Profile of the Obsessed) that caught me did so for much the same reasons.  Instead of profiling the lukewarm, it profiles the one who is obsessed with Christ, and includes statements like these:

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else.  Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress. (pg. 133)

People who are obsessed with Jesus live lives that connect them with the poor in some way or another.  Obsessed people believe that Jesus talked about money and the poor so often because it was really important to Him (1 John 2:4-6; Matt. 16:24-26). (pg. 135)

Obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. (pg. 136)

People who are obsessed are raw with God; they do not attempt to mask the ugliness of their sins or their failures.  Obsessed people don't put it on for God; He is their safe place, where they can be at peace. (pg. 144)

A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort.  Obsessed people know that true joy doesn't depend on circumstances or environment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God (James 1:2-4). (pg. 146)

I read this second chapter the same week I was challenged by some stories of people in real life who really were learning what it meant to live obsessed - to not be certain of safety or comforts, to live in obedience.  The combination of Chan's words and these stories I'd encountered was powerful and convicting.

All in all, I'd say Crazy Love is very much worth the read.  Yes, it didn't have a lot that was brand new material, but Chan's heart is sincere, his words are challenging, and for me, anyway, God used this book to challenge how I think about my life and faith and how that gets lived out.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 180

Today's Daily 5:

1. sleeping in a bit this morning
2. peanut butter on toast
3. a GREAT yoga class.  it was really fabulous today.
4. getting some necessary errands done
5. finding a collection of reasons to laugh
6. leftover Chinese food.  Have I mentioned that Asian food is really my favorite?  Particularly Chinese and Vietnamese.
7. Finishing a long, undone project
8. Coming to an important realization about fear and power
9. homemade popcorn
10. reading a novel for a little while

Comfort Zone

Do you watch The Big Bang Theory?  The nerd humor cracks me upon a regular basis!

In any case, in a recent episode, this exchange appeared:

Penny: "Okay, but let's try to get you out of your comfort zone."

Sheldon:  "Why would we want to do that?  It's called a comfort zone for a reason!"

I laughed pretty hard.  These are my feelings on a comfort zone.  Why leave it?  It's called a comfort zone for a reason.

That said, I've spent a lot of time outside of mine lately, and I will concede that there is much to be learned outside of it as well.