Daily 5 - Day 128

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friday!
2. Wearing jeans and my comfy knock-off "ugg" boots at work all day
3. Watching episodes of "The Amazing Race" online - if I'm going to watch reality television, this is definitely the show I find the most interesting
4. Freshly washed sheets, towel and pajamas
5. Bought the "Julie & Julia" dvd tonight - and planning to watch it tomorrow while I do some Christmas gift prep. Really looking forward to that.
6. Vietnamese take out for dinner
   
7. Fun delivering a few baking gifts to coworkers today
8. Got to love doing payroll when you get to process your own raise and some back pay - thankful for that coming through on my end of the month cheque
9. counting down the days until I have 10 days off of work. 4.5 days to go.
10. Quiet evening at home, doing little things that needed to be done.
    

Thankful it's Friday

I yawned as I wrote the title of this post.

This has been an exhausting week.

I'm very drained - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

And incredibly thankful that it's Friday.

I'm wearing jeans.

I haven't melted down into a puddle of tears (though I've felt like it.)

I phoned the government student loan offices this morning to confirm that a change to my banking information I'd requested be made had gone through.

For the first time in history the government did something right, and quickly to boot.

I'm thankful for that, too, because it means that this weekend I can wrap up this state of being between two different banks, and go back to only having one bank. I like it when projects like that are going to come off my list, and finally be finished. The longer term projects with dozens of little steps. It's always a good feeling to know that one of them is finished.

On Fridays I have lunch with a coworker. I think we're having Wendy's today. I'm looking forward to that grilled chicken sandwich and fries.

I'm listening to Kathy Mattea's "Good News" Christmas Album. Beautiful songs, some original, some not, a lovely progression of songs. It's one of the few Christmas music selections I can stomach for more than about ten minutes.

Did I mention that I'm wearing jeans? And my comfy knock-off "Ugg" boots. Fridays are good for that.

I'm exhausted, and close to tears, but I'm choosing to be thankful right now. Or trying anyway. Because all of those things I've listed, and, I'm sure, a myriad of other things are very positive moments in my life right now.

Daily 5 - Day 127

To be honest, I really don't feel like making a list of 5 or more things that I am thankful for, or that make me smile today. I want to cry, or at least whine a little. I have a few thoughts on the idea of community and belonging to share, but I think I'll let those percolate for a night or so, and re-approach tomorrow or sometime future. And I'll come up with a Daily 5 list, because that was the whole point anyway - to come up with things that help me change my perspective to a more positive, joyful, and life-giving one.

So, here it is, today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful that the annual review is over for another year, that it was mostly positive, and that in a time when money is tight it does come with a bit of a raise.
2. I'm thankful that I attended the christmas party for the house group I'm becoming involved in tonight. It was very challenging to be there after the day I had, and the week I've had, but I'm glad for the few laughs and the brief moments of conversation.
3. I'm thankful that work was far less explosive today than it could have been.
4. I'm thankful for leftover ravioli lasagna in the fridge tonight for a quick, easy, and tasty supper in between work and house group
5. I'm thankful for all the other bloggers who've been writing challenging and inspiring or simply just funny stuff this week while I've been so bogged down in the stuff of life.
   

Challenging Day

This has been a very challenging day.

Besides the thought processes I discussed this morning, the deeply personal wrestles, it is a day that on a practical level has had immense potential for explosion.

An annual performance review this morning had me feeling very uncertain. Thanks to some particularly challenging inter-office dynamics, my last one was less than stellar and had me looking for new work. The office dynamics changed about 8 months ago, and my new position has been much better, but I was still very uncertain about the review. Thankfully it was mostly positive, and I'm excited about some of the potential for growth and training in my position that will come in the new year.

Other office dynamics have become explosive again this week, and the tension around the office has been increasing all day, and explosions are threatening or still seemingly imminent.

So it's been a mixed and very challenging day.

Thankfully my mood has been relatively peaceful, but I'm feeling the drain of the tensions, and am quite exhausted at the moment.

I'm going to a Christmas party with a group of new friends tonight. I'm not certain I'm anywhere near the Christmas spirit, but I'm sure going to try to just relax and enjoy myself.

And I'm incredibly grateful that tomorrow is the last day of work for the week.

A weekend will be a blessing after the week I've had.

John 17 Goodness

The words of Jesus are so hard. The cost is high, and, when I was talking about that with my roommate this morning, her simple question was, "but is it worth it?"

I had to admit that sometimes I just don't know.

I'm thinking about unity this morning. Unity in a body of believers, unity among a small community of Jesus loving friends. It's a topic I've given a lot of thought to over the last few challenging years, and it is one that is once again rearing it's head.

I'll come out and say it. I'm not sure sometimes that I long for unity anymore. I mean, I long for it in the "it should have been" kind of way. But not in any kind of way that still wants to invest time and energy, and pay the cost of seeing it formed or restored.

The words of Jesus haunt me. John 17, his great prayer for unity. "I pray that they will all be one...may they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me, and that you love them as much as you love me."

In the summer of 2008, in the midst of an extremely challenging day, a moment where I was deeply broken, and weeping, a poem formed on the page that was in front of me. One of the lines from my own writing, from that poem has stayed with me ever since. "...No John 17 goodness left in me..."

I'm feeling like that this morning. I don't really want unity, I want to walk forward, to be free, to move on from the things that have weighed so heavy. No John 17 goodness left in me.

And yet...

I feel the hard deep pull of obedience (to loosely quote Walter Bruggemann).

The strength of Jesus' words.

Because if he prayed this, than he truly desired it.

And if he desired it, then I need to align my heart with his.

And that is harder still.

In fact, I think, the more I follow, the harder it is at times to align my heart to that call for obedience, to align my heart to his.

Because the longer I follow, the more I realize that this will cost me everything. That it will hurt more than anything I've ever known. (Though even as I write that, my heart reminds me that in following Jesus there have also been the moments of deepest joy that I have ever known.)

I'll drink this cup too, if he asks, this dying again to my own desires, to self. And I drink it knowing there is a cost. And sometimes, sometimes I hate that cost (though I suppose that too is sin to be confessed and surrendered...)

Jesus, let my heart align with yours. Guide my steps this day. There's no John 17 goodness left in me, would you fill my heart with yours?