Still Thinking About Judgement

Last week I wrote here about the fact that I'm a judgemental person.

I was thinking about that again this morning.

I received an email from a list that I've been on for a while now, and it contained an article about a topic I've thought a lot about, discussed often, and feel quite strongly about.

I started to read the article. Twice.

And then I realized something. I wasn't reading the article because it covered a topic I've thought about and discussed and care deeply about. I was reading it because I was hunting for ammunition. Because I wanted to be right.

Because in the imaginary conversations that play out in my head, I wanted to be able to detail my point. To throw scriptures at my imaginary conversational partner. To win.

I want that imaginary conversation to end with my dialogue partner on their knees, begging my forgiveness for how poorly they've lived some things out.

I was reading because it let me judge. It was the wrong motivation.

And as I stared at the article without seeing, I felt that little mirror pop up in my heart. That voice that reflects yourself back at you and reminds you that you are engaging in the very thing for which you want to judge another.

Not a major or profound moment.

But a quiet reminder.

I closed the article. And the email it came in. And deleted the email.

Hopefully one little step towards letting go. Towards forgiveness and release instead of hatred and judgement. At least I pray so.

Year 5. Day 2. Celebrating Life.

Last night wasn't the greatest one for sleeping. It wasn't the worst one either. I wonder if my sleep schedule is possibly so sensitive to caffeine that the tiny cup of tea that I had at the Korean restaurant last night could have thrown things off? Or maybe I need to adjust the amount of melatonin I'm taking to sleep again... Guess I'll have to watch and wait on that one.

Thinking about the fact that I have U2 tickets is still bringing a smile to my face.

It's year 5, day 2. I feel like celebrating that these days. I think it's hard to explain unless you've been through the kind of depression I experienced for seven years, followed by that remarkable moment of healing, a few very good years, and then two very challenging years. It's probably hard to explain unless you've had the experience of being two days shy of the 4th anniversary of your healing, and for the first time in four years, as you ran through the mental "am I depressed" checklist, you realized that the honest answer was "I don't think so, but I don't know." "I don't know" is a pretty hard thing to hear when you've been clinging to healing. All of that comes together to have me in a place of wanting to celebrate each day that I am able to get out of bed. Each day that I wake with a commitment to find joy somewhere in the day. Each day that is maybe even just a tiny bit less "low" than some of the other days.

I did a bunch of health research on the weekend. I'll probably talk about some of it when I've had the time to process a bit further. I'm in a place of re-evaluating a number of things to do with my health and daily life. Budgeting. Making some lifestyle and diet changes. Just generally trying to do everything possible to recover from the place I've been for the last few years. To choose life. To be deeply joyful.

For the last day or so, the beginning of my favorite Psalm has been playing through my head and reminding my heart of healing and hope. It was a Psalm that I encountered in the days when I was first realizing that that evening of conversation and prayer with my friend on November 1, 2005 was far more potent than I realized. I knew I felt better, but it was a slow process after so many years of depression for me to be able to acknowledge and say with deep confidence and an incredibly grateful heart that I'd been healed. It was in that time period that I came across Psalm 116, which still holds incredible (and maybe even deeper) meaning for me now.

The verses that have been repeating in my head read:

I love the Lord for he heard my voice.
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I have breath.

Amen and amen. This is a day to celebrate that my cry for mercy was heard, and is heard. And I will call on him as long as I have breath.

Daily 5 - Day 82

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting tickets to a U2 concert next summer
2. Korean food (first time ever!) with a friend - surprisingly tasty, and fun to catch up.
   
3. A relatively smooth, if quite tiring, day at work
4. Laughing because my world now contains conversations about things like amino acids and neuro transmitters, and natural ways to promote brain health (If you haven't known me long, I was always a "just give me the drugs already" kind of girl, but these days I'm as surprised as anyone to find myself driven to check out natural alternatives wherever possible, and that totally makes me laugh!)
5. Laughing at the huge chocolate supply for our office that one of my coworkers picked up at great post-halloween sale prices. (seriously, the staff gets really upset if the chocolate bowl isn't kept full) There's a huge tub of candy hidden away at reception, just waiting to keep that bowl stocked for several months to come.
   

A few that I appreciated

These were my results to the "what stereotype are you" quiz on blogthings. Apparently I'm a hippie! (No big surprise there, actually.)

This post hit me deeply. I've enjoyed following Angie's story on her blog, and I've spent a lot of time in the last few years pondering that question of Jesus that she wrote about, "Do you want to be well?"

And this t-shirt that Matthew Paul Turner linked to made me chuckle. The emergent Christian t-shirt indeed!

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Blogging...

Just had to stop in and squeal just a little (or a lot!) in pleasure.

I have tickets to see U2 live!

The concert isn't until next June, but I have tickets. I'll be going with my brother and his girlfriend. We bought the cheapest tickets available, and I don't even care. I'm just incredibly thrilled that I will get to see them live - fulfilling a "bucket list" item for me. It was sort of one of those things that I've dreamed about and wasn't really sure if it would ever happen, but it's going to happen, and that makes me just a little bit giddy!

~~~

We now return you to regularly scheduled blogging. I should be back sometime this afternoon.