A few from Henri...

A few thoughts from Henri Nouwen on church and leadership, and wounding because of church. Rather challenging thoughts to me in the midst of this week.

Forgiving the Church

When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the Church," we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too. The challenge is to forgive the Church. This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the Church not as "over there" but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.

Our Spiritual Leaders

The Church as the body of Christ has many faces. The Church prays and worships. It speaks words of instruction and healing, cleanses us from our sins, invites us to the table of the Lord, binds us together in a covenant of love, sends us out to minister, anoints us when we are sick or dying, and accompanies us in our search for meaning and our daily need for support. All these faces might not come to us from those we look up to as our leaders. But when we live our lives with a simple trust that Jesus comes to us in our Church, we will see the Church's ministry in places and in faces where we least expect it.

If we truly love Jesus, Jesus will send us the people to give us what we most need. And they are our spiritual leaders.

Morning Again.

So, it's Wednesday. I'm over halfway through the work week since I'm only working a half day on Friday.

I'm still feeling like life is pretty tenuous and rough.

Our receptionist told me this morning that I looked peaceful and relaxed today. And then she knew enough to ask "Are you feeling that way?" The answer is no. But I'm glad I'm at least looking a little better.

Another coworker asked how I was doing. (She was one of the ones who asked a really basic question Monday morning that led to a teary meltdown, and has been checking in on me daily since then.) She wanted to know if I was better or worse. "About the same as yesterday," was my reply. And then we laughed, because, as I pointed out, yesterday was better than Monday. On Monday I was in tears three times before nine am.

This week, leading up to the anniversary I'm acknowledging (and maybe even celebrating) on Sunday, is traditionally hard. It's complicated this year by a number of other factors.

It also never helps that it is the week that leads up to Halloween. I am incredibly sensitive to the spiritual realm, and halloween is not a good thing for someone like that. On Saturday I'll likely be holed up at home, safely tucked away from all that activity.

It's morning again. I'm pondering thoughts surrounding freedom and surrender, and a parable Jesus told. I'm hoping to write some of those thoughts out later, but tonight seems already full with cooking and then the much "loved" trip to the soul-sucking mega store for our weekly grocery purchases.

I'm sipping tea, and wearing a scarf - both feeble attempts at prayer, but ones that I can manage today.

A dear friend succeeded in making me laugh last night when she told me something along the lines of, "You don't need a reason to celebrate. Celebrate every day. Jesus loves you, and he died for you. So snap out of it." (She said it with much love, and while we were chatting online and not with voices, I could "hear" the quirky tone in her voice, and couldn't help but chuckle. I let her know that I was pondering that, and that she'd made me laugh - no small feat at the moment!)

And with that, I need to focus on work for a bit.

Daily 5 - Day 76

Today's Daily 5:

1. A better day than yesterday
2. getting the time I need for my doctor's appointment on Friday off work without any trouble
3. sorting through photos from my trip
4. maybe finally having the problems with my utility company sorted out
5. simple leftovers of a hamburger for dinner
   

I Loved This...

For a wide variety of reasons, it's been almost a year since I've read a novel. Partly because I needed to fast from the escapist tendencies I was using fiction for, and partly for a number of other reasons. But, if/when Claudia Mair Burney releases a new novel, I'll likely break that fast and read it. (Her book, Wounded, was the last novel I read, late last fall, and I loved it, and was profoundly touched by it, like every other one of her novels that I've read.)

In any case, I follow her blog, Ragamuffin Diva, and I loved the most recent post there, The Canticle of the Lamb. It spoke to some of the raw and wounded bits of my heart this morning, and brought just that touch of hope that was badly needed.

Tuesday. Start Again.

I'm feeling minutely restored over yesterday.

An afternoon of sleeping, and a night where I was in bed relatively early (for me anyway) helped a bit.

Focusing on other things is helping too, I guess.

There are big things going on around me and in me, and, to be honest, I'm not quite sure that I know what to do with any of it, and I definitely haven't been coping well.

I'm seeing my doctor later this week to discuss a number of concerns, among them my sleeping issues. I'm expecting to get lectured, because, while the sleep problems have definitely become more of an issue in the last two years, I've been dealing with them for probably about 15 years, quietly, without ever mentioning them, since they were usually sporadic and relatively manageable. I'm also expecting an argument about sleeping meds, since at the moment I'm taking a natural supplement that seems to be allowing me to sleep in increasing amounts, and I'm not crazy about the addictive qualities of prescription sleeping meds.

Sleep is only one of several issues I'll be chatting with my doctor about, in the hopes that if I can deal with some of the physical health issues, I'll be better equipped and have the energy to deal with the emotional and spiritual issues.

So. It's Tuesday. And I'm starting again. Let's just call yesterday a false start to the week.

Today is going better, if for no other reason than I wasn't in tears three times before 10:30 a.m.

I had a cup of passion tea this morning.

I don't have to cook dinner tonight.

I'm considering the purchase of U2 tickets for next summer, to fulfill an item on my "things to do before I die" list.

All of these are smile list type items today.

Some of them are a little bit weak and pathetic, but hey, when joy is hard to come by, I'm going to take it even in weak and pathetic doses.

And be thankful for starting over. I needed that today.