Daily 5 - Day 52

Image by .tess via Flickr

Today's daily 5 (and this lovely autumn photo I came across, just because it was lovely and reflective and felt "right" for today's list):

1. Sitting curled up in bed for much of the evening, with candles lit around my bedroom, thinking and resting, writing and praying
2. The first "decadent self-care" night in a long while - watching "America's Next Top Model" on the internet while laying in a hot bath with a clay mask on my face. I haven't had a decadent self-care Friday night since probably May.
3. A coworker today who took time to really listen, and then stopped, when I mentioned that I was questioning myself, my right to feel strongly about this, looked at me and used my name (always arresting somehow) and told me very firmly that if I felt passionately about the issue it was okay. It was okay to have an opinion, even if no one agreed, because it was my opinion. It was oddly empowering to have someone say out loud the things I was mentally telling myself.
4. Lunch out with another coworker - where we didn't talk about the tensions of the office, or all the glaring inconsistencies that have become clear again this week. We talked about life and cooking and family and vacations. (And I had enough left-overs to cover supper as well!)
5. Realizing that there are still things (however confusing) that raise incredibly passionate responses within my spirit. There have been moments when I wasn't sure that that would ever happen again, after feeling dead for so much of the last couple years. As confusing as this day was, and continues to be, I'm grateful for passion stirring within me.
   

Thankful it's Friday

Can you excuse me while I whine for just a second?
I'm cold, and I haven't slept in a week, and I still feel sick. I was wide awake for most of the night, seeing and hearing. And when I wasn't wide awake, I was having oddly themed, restless dreams. And I'm at work, which has been SO much fun this week.

Okay. I'm done. For the moment anyway.

I'm incredibly thankful it's Friday. I'm wearing jeans at the office. I'm going out for lunch with a coworker, where we'll likely NOT discuss work too much. And then I have the entire weekend to vegetate.

It's supposed to be a high of 4 C tomorrow anyway, with the likelihood of snow. (It is a bit early for snow... but whatever). So, it's a good weekend for staying in bed :). And, this weekend I'm all stocked up on vitamins, and I have breakfast food purchased in advance. So there will be none of the sudden realization that I have to leave the warm cocoon of bed on Saturday morning that happened last week.

I told someone today that I plan to spend most of the weekend in bed. I'm going to go home tonight, put on my pj's, eat dinner in bed, do emails in bed, read in bed, watch last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy on the internet in bed, paint my finger and toenails in bed, and then, if I'm really fortunate, I'll sleep in that same bed!

In any case, I really can't express just how thankful I am that it's Friday and only about 7 hours (and 1 of those is my lunch break!) stand between me and a weekend curled up at home.

Who knows, I may actually go to the zoo, or Heritage Park for a bit, but if it's cold, I'll probably just curl up with a movie or a book, or some combination thereof and catch up on rest and processing of the crazy week I've had.

Daily 5 - Day 51

I'm still feeling quite unwell. Probably just the cumulative effect of a very hard week, along with a lot of restless and even sleepless nights.

So, I'm going to list today's daily 5 for you, and head for a nice early bedtime.

1. Wearing new clothes to work today, and feeling like I looked pretty even though healthwise I was feeling lousy (even if I was so cold most of the day that my jacket was over top of them, and they mostly didn't get seen!)
2. Kim Walker's song "Can I have more of you?" playing over and over in my head as a refrain
3. A hug from my mom
4. A quiet evening at home alone, catching up on some emails, reading, researching for our trip, and resting
5. Learning that even in the midst of a lousy week, joy can be present and resilient. Finding it in a moment of humility and apology (though somewhat unnecessary) directed at me from a family member. And a hug. And securing a ride to the airport next week, and the promise of good things to come. And in managing to eat and keep down three meals and vitamins, despite the health challenges.
   

Testing the lesson from Stan (Can I have more of you?)

This has been a trying week.

I'm feeling stressed on a number of fronts, but mostly the work front.

It's been a week of out of control tensions, whispered conversations, frustrated moments, reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts", and generally just barely making it through to the end of each day.

I'm needing to remind myself that there are other factors playing into this week. That I normally rest well on the weekends, giving me energy to get through another week, and that last weekend I didn't sleep nearly at all, and had very strenuous days as well. That I've been feeling unwell all week, and that that never helps my mood or energy level or ability to cope.

It's been a week of testing my commitment to the lesson I learned via Stan in August. The lesson about not postponing joy. And, I'll readily admit that a lot of that testing has been a failure. That I've spent most of the week longing for the end of the work day to arrive, so that I could head home, and not much of the week looking for the moments of joy in the midst of the challenging work days I've faced.

And yet, my heart is different than it used to be.

The song lyrics that stick in my head are often very telling of my heartspace. In this case, instead of the total overwhelming feeling that is engulfing most of my days this week, in the brief moment this morning when I managed to get quiet and still, I was surprised to discover that the refrain playing through my head was from a Kim Walker song, a simple cry "Can I have more of you?"

That, is a change.

Because generally I would blame a crazy week like this, the combination of the wild emotional and spiritual atmosphere at my office, the sleepless nights, and the resulting exhaustion firmly on God, and be in more of a "Stay away from me" headspace, than an headspace inviting more of Jesus.

And yet, that shift excites me. Because it speaks of changing attitudes. Of positive results from the sometimes exhausting commitment to change long ingrained patterns of thought and action into something that is more focused on joy.

You can hear the entire song that's playing in my head here.

In the meantime, let me leave you with these lyrics, and the challenge to not postpone joy until later, no matter how trying the circumstances.

Because you are good, beyond measure
And my heart longs to give you pleasure
You fulfill all my longings
And all my life I will sing:

God I love you and all you do
your joy lives inside and does me good
Can I have more of you?

Happy October!

It's a new month again.

These days I wonder how that happens so quickly. It seems like just a few days ago that my roommate and I booked our plane tickets for our October holiday, and then set aside the trip planning because we had over a month. Now we're frantically trying to nail down the details like car rentals, getting from place to place, and one night of accomodation that won't be with friends, because we leave in eight days!

I am however always glad for a new month.

Even on days like today when my body is protesting my very existence, I'm feeling very ill, and wondering why I'm sitting at a desk in my office instead of laying in bed asleep. (Especially since I was up most of the night again.)

I'm having one of those more challenging days. (I guess I've been having them all week, but today, with the illness on top, is definitely feeling like the hardest yet.) The sort where I don't want to pray. And I don't want to choose differently. And joy doesn't seem like the best option. Where I really want to feel sorry for myself.

Today's saint of the day is Saint Terese of Lisieux. "The Little Flower." When I got to work this morning, the quote on my calendar for the day was, of course, from Saint Terese. It reads, "When I am incapable of praying, I want to keep telling Jesus that I love him. It's not difficult, and it keeps the fire going."

A rather challenging thought this morning. But simple, too. Just keep telling Jesus I love him, even when I can't quite manage a prayer. It keeps the warmth in me alive. A needed reminder on a week when I've physically experienced cold in new ways.

And with that, I'm off to tackle the things that must be done this morning, so that if I don't start feeling better, I can head home a bit later, and go back to bed.