I can't go into all the details, but this week has been truly unique in the sorts of conversations I've been having with Jesus. We've done rather a lot of arguing, because some of things he's been asking have been painful, and seemingly worthless, pointless, and invoking of unnecessary trauma and tears.
I had a rough night last night. Dreams and emotions. I'm working hard today not to sob, and fighting a headache that's been present all week but has spiralled into something truly to be reckoned with this morning. The drugs seem to just be starting to touch it, and I'm praying their effect grows. I have a full day ahead of me, and the ability to concentrate on something other than the pain would be helpful.
It's been the sort of week where I've been quietly (and sometimes very loudly) asking the Lord again if all of this is really worth it?
Just now, as I finished a task I'd been praying about and struggling with, the following song from Rita Springer started playing on my ipod. It's one that has a long back-story for me, but let's just say that the timing of the lyrics this morning was particularly poignant (and funny in a way.)
I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways
Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Oh My...
I'm in an odd space this morning (more about that in a post coming shortly), and these two reflections from Henri Nouwen (but particularly the second one) hit my heart deeply.
Empowered to Be
Who are we? Are we what we do? Are we what others say about us? Are we the power we have? It often seems that way in our society. But the Spirit of Jesus given to us reveals our true spiritual identities. The Spirit reveals that we belong not to a world of success, fame, or power but to God. The world enslaves us with fear; the Spirit frees us from that slavery and restores us to the true relationship. That is what Paul means when he says: "All who are guided by the Spirit of God are sons [daughters] of God, for what you received was not the spirit of slavery to bring you back into fear; you received the spirit of adoption, enabling us to cry out, 'Abba, Father!'" (Romans 8:15).
Who are we? We are God's beloved sons and daughters!
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father."
Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Empowered to Be
Who are we? Are we what we do? Are we what others say about us? Are we the power we have? It often seems that way in our society. But the Spirit of Jesus given to us reveals our true spiritual identities. The Spirit reveals that we belong not to a world of success, fame, or power but to God. The world enslaves us with fear; the Spirit frees us from that slavery and restores us to the true relationship. That is what Paul means when he says: "All who are guided by the Spirit of God are sons [daughters] of God, for what you received was not the spirit of slavery to bring you back into fear; you received the spirit of adoption, enabling us to cry out, 'Abba, Father!'" (Romans 8:15).
Who are we? We are God's beloved sons and daughters!
Empowered to Call God "Abba"
Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father."
Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wedding Central Again
We're now officially in the last month before the roommate wedding.
And tonight our house has been taken over by bridesmaids needing their dresses fitted.
Lots of giggling, and comments about weight and shoes, and what bra is the right one to wear under the dress.
It's wedding central again, and for the moment, I'm more amused than stressed by it. Let's pray that it stays that way for the rest of the month, especially when the stress of the impeding move starts stacking up as well!
And tonight our house has been taken over by bridesmaids needing their dresses fitted.
Lots of giggling, and comments about weight and shoes, and what bra is the right one to wear under the dress.
It's wedding central again, and for the moment, I'm more amused than stressed by it. Let's pray that it stays that way for the rest of the month, especially when the stress of the impeding move starts stacking up as well!
Quoting Again...
From the calendar on my desk, which apparently has picked the month of June to deeply strike and convict my heart...
"Faith is a gift of God. It is a pure gift, and only he can bestow it. At the same time, he passionately desires to give it to us. He wants us to ask for it, because he can only give it to us when we ask for it." (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
"Faith is a gift of God. It is a pure gift, and only he can bestow it. At the same time, he passionately desires to give it to us. He wants us to ask for it, because he can only give it to us when we ask for it." (Catherine de Hueck Doherty)
Musings...
I have some thoughts in process... my drive in to work this morning was full. Sometimes I wish you could all spend a day in my head, and see the way the thoughts carry me around, see the different connections. Sometimes the connections and directions surprise even me.
There are many places I could go this morning, but I think I want to write them out somewhere other than a public space first.
I'm thinking about imperfection. About friends traveling. About transition. About discerning character.
I'm thinking about the shallower things too. Like the fact that the skirt I wore today may perhaps be a bit higher waisted than I thought, and could cause some discomfort through the day thanks to my piercing adventures on the weekend. And the fact that I dress differently for work when I'm meeting outside clients or sales reps. And the fact that I'm really bored with this "eating 3 meals a day" concept, but am sticking to it anyway. And the fact that my house is going to be invaded by the "attack of the bridesmaids who need dresses altered" again tonight, which means it'll be loud and obnoxious (and our internet still isn't working properly, preventing me from hiding in my bedroom.) And the fact that it's Wednesday, which means this could be a total gong show of a day.
More later!!
There are many places I could go this morning, but I think I want to write them out somewhere other than a public space first.
I'm thinking about imperfection. About friends traveling. About transition. About discerning character.
I'm thinking about the shallower things too. Like the fact that the skirt I wore today may perhaps be a bit higher waisted than I thought, and could cause some discomfort through the day thanks to my piercing adventures on the weekend. And the fact that I dress differently for work when I'm meeting outside clients or sales reps. And the fact that I'm really bored with this "eating 3 meals a day" concept, but am sticking to it anyway. And the fact that my house is going to be invaded by the "attack of the bridesmaids who need dresses altered" again tonight, which means it'll be loud and obnoxious (and our internet still isn't working properly, preventing me from hiding in my bedroom.) And the fact that it's Wednesday, which means this could be a total gong show of a day.
More later!!
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