We are in the midst of a heavy snowfall warning again. A few inches fell overnight, and were waiting to be brushed off of George when I left the house this morning. It continues to snow steadily, which I'm sure will make the evening commute even "more" fun than the morning one was.
I had a good time with my brother and his girlfriend last night. We sipped our various beverages of choice and chatted about everything from the choir that they both sing in, to their forthcoming busy schedules, to a project my brother is conducting at school during Lent, challenging his peers to give up something they would normally indulge in on a weekly basis (coffee, eating out, buying clothes, movies etc.), and set that money aside to be donated to projects supporting poverty initiatives on a local and international level. While I'm not certain that the project will fit with my own Lenten observance, I am hopeful that I will be able to donate to it, and I'm challenged that my brother has taken the time to challenge his peers to reconsider their consumptive lifestyle.
I'm looking forward to having dinner with Faye tonight. There's always lots of laughter, deep conversation, and fantastic stories when we manage to connect, and I'm delighted that we've somehow managed to make those connections a bit more regularly of late.
I'm still slogging my way through "The Interior Castle". Translation from Spanish of a work by a sixteenth century nun is not the easiest read ever. I think it's actually been beneficial. But I alternate between having moments where I'm fairly certain my heart is understanding what's being said, and moments where I'm absolutely certain that I have no idea what on earth she's talking about. There are many pages that I read and re-read in a desperate attempt to grasp the concepts being discussed, or at least begin to feel that my heart has absorbed some benefit, even if my head has not. I've set a (flexible) goal of one chapter a day barring engagments which fill my evening. I'm thankful that most of the chapters are ten pages or less, and am continuously amazed at just how long it can take to read those 5-10 pages each evening.
It's Shrove Tuesday, or Fat Tuesday, or Pancake Tuesday today (whichever name you prefer). I probably won't be having pancakes the way I usually do, but I am deeply conscious that Lent begins tomorrow. And that I need to find some quiet space to talk with Jesus about how I'm going to observe the Lenten season this year. I sort of fell pell-mell into it last year, arriving in Rome on Ash Wednesday, and then travelling for the entire first week. Coming home into the readjustment of life after 5 weeks away from routine, and the deep struggles that emerged amidst that. In many ways I feel like that Lenten season of fasting and preparing for death never really ended last year, and I have dreaded the coming deepening as the season officially begins again. And so, I need to find time, today or tomorrow morning, to listen and wait for direction. To seek Jesus and be willing to obey.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Bringing it to Light
I experienced the truth of this thought from Henri Nouwen about a month ago. Henri doesn't say quite how difficult it can really be to bring things to the light, but I think, in the long run, it's been worth it - that's it's brought a certain degree of freedom.
Bringing Our Secrets into the Light
We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.
One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.
Bringing Our Secrets into the Light
We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.
One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday Night
I woke at 4 am, ill and feeling prompted to pray. But also with that panicky worry that comes from knowing that waking at 4 and letting my mind engage to pray will mean that the day will be long, and I'll be quite tired.
By the time I rolled out of bed, about 3 hours later, I'd done a little bit of sleeping, a bit of praying, and a bit of worrying. I'd like the mix of those three to decrease.
I was feeling quite ill, and the feeling became worse as I drove in to the office. When I arrived at the office, I wasn't certain I'd last even an hour, never mind a whole day.
I stayed the day.
A quick walk in the falling snow at lunch to a nearby grocery store to buy bread. There was no way my crabby stomach was going to tolerate the leftover Chinese food I'd planned to eat. Time out in the light, and a little bit more praying before returning to the office.
This was a day I'd dreaded, uncertain for a number of good reasons. It went far more smoothly than expected. And I received some news that I suppose I shouldn't really celebrate (and I'm not really, since it involves a slight misfortune to another) but it will make my life a bit easier this week.
Today is the birthday of a very dear friend, and I am wishing I lived closer to her, so that I could give her a birthday hug. I'll try phoning her in a few minutes, and at the very least leave a voicemail.
I'm headed out for coffee with T. tonight. I've missed my brother. It's been a while since we've spent time together. He may or may not be bringing his girlfriend, but either way it'll be loads of fun (I love her too.).
Monday night. Coffee. Then home to do a bit more reading and writing. I need to tackle another chapter in my book by the sixteenth century nun. And I need to finish up a bit of writing I started on the weekend.
All in all, for a Monday, it was pretty good.
I'm hoping we don't get quite as much snow as they're predicting overnight. I'd like to not have to contend with that in the morning.
By the time I rolled out of bed, about 3 hours later, I'd done a little bit of sleeping, a bit of praying, and a bit of worrying. I'd like the mix of those three to decrease.
I was feeling quite ill, and the feeling became worse as I drove in to the office. When I arrived at the office, I wasn't certain I'd last even an hour, never mind a whole day.
I stayed the day.
A quick walk in the falling snow at lunch to a nearby grocery store to buy bread. There was no way my crabby stomach was going to tolerate the leftover Chinese food I'd planned to eat. Time out in the light, and a little bit more praying before returning to the office.
This was a day I'd dreaded, uncertain for a number of good reasons. It went far more smoothly than expected. And I received some news that I suppose I shouldn't really celebrate (and I'm not really, since it involves a slight misfortune to another) but it will make my life a bit easier this week.
Today is the birthday of a very dear friend, and I am wishing I lived closer to her, so that I could give her a birthday hug. I'll try phoning her in a few minutes, and at the very least leave a voicemail.
I'm headed out for coffee with T. tonight. I've missed my brother. It's been a while since we've spent time together. He may or may not be bringing his girlfriend, but either way it'll be loads of fun (I love her too.).
Monday night. Coffee. Then home to do a bit more reading and writing. I need to tackle another chapter in my book by the sixteenth century nun. And I need to finish up a bit of writing I started on the weekend.
All in all, for a Monday, it was pretty good.
I'm hoping we don't get quite as much snow as they're predicting overnight. I'd like to not have to contend with that in the morning.
3 From Henri on Relationships: Space, Distance, & the Personal
3 more great thoughts from Henri Nouwen that hit home today...
True Intimacy
Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.
It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
The Balance Between Closeness and Distance
Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.
To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, especially since the needs of the partners may be quite different at a given moment. One might desire closeness while the other wants distance. One might want to be held while the other looks for independence. A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance, worthy to behold.
What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal
We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.
Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.
True Intimacy
Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.
It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
The Balance Between Closeness and Distance
Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.
To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, especially since the needs of the partners may be quite different at a given moment. One might desire closeness while the other wants distance. One might want to be held while the other looks for independence. A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance, worthy to behold.
What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal
We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.
Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.
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