Crisis of Self-doubt

I am just at this moment, having a massive crisis of self-doubt.

I have known for quite some time, and talked openly about my need to move out from under my parent’s roof. This fact has been underscored greatly these past few months, and there is a huge part of me desperately excited for the possibilities of coming freedom.

I picked up a complete stranger – someone whom I’d only met by email connections of my parents – at the airport on Sunday morning. We’d corresponded about the possibility of living together. She’s a year older than me, come to Canada from New Zealand to work for a year, and we both liked the easier financial drain of sharing a home rather than renting individually. Within 24 hours we were looking at our first basement suite. (which, by the way, we’re not taking – ask me about the lovely land-lady who’d be living upstairs sometime!)

We have an appointment to see another place tonight, and plans to hopefully see some more places tomorrow as I have taken the day off work.

But this morning, I find myself battling a resurgence of all sorts of fears. I am no stranger to fear, it has long been the biggest obstacle to walking in freedom in my life, and today those fears are running rampant.

I find myself wondering if it’s completely insane to have decided to live with a girl who I’ve known for a little more than 48 hours. I mean, I like her, she’s very sweet, but I know very little about her. I tell myself that it’s only for a year, and if it turns out terribly, it’s not that long, but I don’t know if I want to make a decision based on that? I find myself wondering if I should settle for an apartment I don’t like very much in order to get out of my parent’s house more quickly. I’m trying to decide what parts of the city I would feel comfortable living in, and whether I should push to find something in my favored neighborhoods, or if I should just simply pick something for the convenience of availability. I’m wishing my parents weren’t on a different continent so that I could run some of these thoughts past someone with experience in these sorts of things. I’m tired, and a little peopled out, with no particular end to that in sight. I’m wishing I could curl up in my bedroom and simply hide for several hours, but instead I’ve got dozens of plans for the next few days… things that must be accomplished. I’m wondering if I’m suddenly terrified because of spiritual attack, or if it’s actually a more cautioning voice of God, telling me not to move too quickly… augh… I’m going to have to phone a friend long-distance or something, find someone to chat some of this out with.

With that, I’m off to coffee break…

Empowered to Call God "Abba"

More from Henri Nouwen:

Empowered to Call God "Abba"

Calling God "Abba, Father" is different from giving God a familiar name. Calling God "Abba" is entering into the same intimate, fearless, trusting, and empowering relationship with God that Jesus had. That relationship is called Spirit, and that Spirit is given to us by Jesus and enables us to cry out with him, "Abba, Father.

"Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love.

Sunday mish mash

Sorry for the odd weekend combination of thoughts, but here are a few more!

My fortune cookie on facebook right now says "You only think it's a crisis." This made me laugh, in that oddly too close to home sort of way... Feels like my life has been lived a bit in crisis mode in some areas this last while, and upon pausing and further reflection, I may only think they're crises!

On other fronts....

Everyone in the world wants to meet Bono. Except Stephen Harper. Yes, our illustrious prime minister, and my own personal member of parliament (since I'm "lucky" enough to live in his riding) is not interested in meeting the world's most famous rockstar and humanitarian. Go figure! You can read all about it here.

And with that, I'm off. Grocery shopping to do. Things to accomplish before the next week begins!

Weekend Mish Mash

Well, it's Saturday evening, and I am just presently curled up in a reclined chair in the living room, watching television in the background. I'm comfy, warm, and really should get up off my butt and go back to the things left to be accomplished on my to do list for the week.

I just finished eating a couple of kiwi fruits. This is only important information because someone told me once that kiwi is one of the healthiest fruits you can eat. Also, I had a conversation this week with someone who told me that you can eat the skin of the kiwi fruit. This is kind of disgusting to me. I am texture girl when it comes to food, and eating something generally furry in nature is anathema!

M. and I went to see "Knocked Up" last night. I really don't know how to describe it to you. I'm afraid if I say nice things about it you'll think I'm endorsing it, and then you'll get mad when you see it and don't like it! Here's the deal - this is a movie that will offend tons of people, it has too much swearing, too much sex, too much crude humor. That being said, I liked the movie. It had a generally endearing set of characters, tons of laughs, and an enjoyable story line. So, see it, don't see it - but don't blame your choice on me!

I woke up this morning and was all ready to jump into the mile long list of things I needed to accomplish today. As I was laying in bed, prompting myself to get up, I felt God reminding me of the last couple Saturdays when I started my weekend by walking and praying in Fish Creek Park. It seemed He was prompting me to take time out and start this weekend that way too.

Some weeks I do better than others at integrating my relationship with Jesus into the stuff of my daily life - at seeing the spiritual in the mundane. This was not one of those weeks. As I walked, I couldn't help but be grateful for a God who loves me enough to pull me out of bed and strongly suggest that I might want to spend a bit of time hanging out with him before I dove into the routine of the day. It was so helpful to take that bit of time and space - that bit of quiet and reorient some stuff before I jumped into my list.

I worked an extra four hours this week - I'm doing admin stuff for the church while Mom and Dad are overseas.

I bought the greatest pair of jeans ever last night. I don't have to shorten them. This is what qualifies them as the greatest pair of jeans ever. At five foot two inches, every pair of pants I purchase requires time consuming alterations in order to be wearable. And where did I buy these marvelous jeans you ask? American Eagle Outfitters, that's where. Just to give you an idea of how short I really am, I bought jeans clearly labelled in a "short" length and, though they fit well, they could still be a bit shorter to really fit perfectly.

Okay... I think that's all I have for tonight. I pick up my potential roommate at the airport tomorrow morning after I drop the bulletins and other stuff at church.

I still have some cleaning and stuff to do to be ready for her to arrive, so I'm off to do that! See ya later!

Empowered to Speak

Just popping in here quickly with a bit from Henri Nouwen. The work day (and week!) is almost over, and I have girls' night plans with M. tonight, that should hopefully not be compromised at the last minute with the presence of the guy she's interested in! Planning to go for dinner and see a chick flick... See you late tonight, or sometime on the weekend, and enjoy these thoughts from Henri!

Empowered to Speak

The Spirit that Jesus gives us empowers us to speak. Often when we are expected to speak in front of people who intimidate us, we are nervous and self-conscious. But if we live in the Spirit, we don't have to worry about what to say. We will find ourselves ready to speak when the need is there. "When they take you before ... authorities, do not worry about how to defend yourselves or what to say, because when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will teach you what you should say" (Luke 12:11-12).

We waste much of our time in anxious preparation. Let's claim the truth that the Spirit that Jesus gave us will speak in us and speak convincingly.