I came away smiling

No really. I came away smiling and at peace. That's how I felt. It's not what I expected to feel given the location, the circumstances. But it's what I felt. I had spoken my heart, and I don't really know too much how it was received, but I had the peace of having spoken the things that God had placed there.

For probably an hour and a bit last night I walked back through my life story. I talked about being a pastor's kid and my love/hate relationship with that. I talked about the church split and the impact that had on me - how it made me cynical and distrustful of Christians and sometimes Christ. I talked about Young Life, and how it came along at just the right time - how it kept me in the church, kept me believing in Christ, believing that good people followed Christ too, and not just hypocrites. I talked a little about Dana, my YL leader, and the encouragement and mentor she's been over the years. I talked about the fact that after I graduated from high school and chose not to be a YL leader I floundered quite a bit. I wasn't really part of the YL community any more, I didn't have any friends at church (the nature of a tiny church), and I was in university, away from most of my friends who had spread across the country to go to school.

I talked about how it was this first year of university when depression really heavily settled into my life, although it would be several years before I would acknowledge its presence openly. And then I described the reality of depression - one guy commented when I was done that what I had shared was very "real". It was a bit weird to say these things in this setting. Most of these people had known me for two or three years - the worst years of the depression - and never would have known that I was asking God to let me die in my sleep for most of those years, to please take me home because there was nothing left here to live for, and the pain was so overwhelming.

And then I talked about that night in November - November 1, 2005 - where I sat in a friend's car and let him lead me before God in a way that I hadn't come in a very long time. I let him lead me to a place of honesty before God that was so very healing and peaceful. I told the "feet" story because it explained more than anything how my life shifted on that day. How in my own moment of healing God was tying my life and my story to the story of a friend, and asking me to walk into crazy places.

And then I described a bit of the ups and downs of the last months. I talked about walking into crazy situations with friends, about doing life with really messy people. I talked about the fact that God has challenged me to find him in the places of darkness. I read them the piece I posted here a while ago titled "The Kingdom isn't Breaking Through." I spoke about the fact that the church tends to seek to conceal the messiness, and that I am in a place where I can no longer do that - to conceal and hide the things in my life would be dishonest. I challenged the idea of looking for God only in the big moments, or the "breakthrough"moments.

I talked about praying "Hallelujah" and "Immanuel". I finished with that. I told them that my heart as I was thinking and praying about what to share with them was really that God would be glorified - that they would see as clearly as I do His hands guiding and shaping my life. I talked about the moments when God asked me to pray hallelujah or immanuel when it seemed least appropriate - as someone was dying, as another friend was in pain. But God keeps asking me, reminding me of these two words - Hallelujah - glory to God, and Immanuel - God with us. Glory to God. God with us. Glory to God in the midst of the messy places He has asked me to inhabit, because it is there that God is with us.

My heart is for the glory of God. I have fallen in love with Him and I'm never going back. I want to close this post with a portion of scripture I read as I finished last night. I started memorizing this Psalm as a desperate plea for God to hear sometime last spring. And now, a year later, I have come back to it, because God heard.

Psalm 116
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."
How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.
O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.

Sharing Tonight

I'm telling my story to a group of people for the first time tonight (at least as far as I know - sometimes the schedule of this thing changes and you don't find out until the last minute). I've told it to tons of individuals over the last 6 months, but not ever to a group.

I'm excited, but nervous. This has not always been the safest or most welcoming environment in which to speak of brokenness, but it's one in which I was asked to speak. It's a community I've been a part of for the last three years, and I'm honored to be able to tell them a bit about what God is doing.

If you think of it, pray for me - my most honest desire is to give God glory in this - because it is Him that has changed me so deeply over the last while.

Quick Once Again

I'm part-way through getting ready for a job interview this morning. When you haven't done hardly anything for a month, it's a lot of work to make yourself look presentable - attractive, pleasant, properly attired, make-up understated, hair done neatly. Not that I mind.

Which leads me to my second observation - high heels add confidence. Now, I've had tendonitis in both of my feet since sometime in 12th grade, so I can't wear heels on a regular basis, but I do love to wear them. There's something about that added two inches of height, combined with a cute skirt that really makes me believe that I am desirable, that I am professional, that I am the image that I am working to project. High heels are a good cure for insecurity!

One more interview this morning. Then, the waiting game to see who calls, who would like me to come in and work for them. And, hopefully, a decision game - which job will pay the best, offer the best benefits and hours, that kind of thing.

After the interview I'm going to Costco with my mom. I love that place. And, since my tax return came last week, and I actually have a little bit of money at the moment, I'm going to buy another pair of these really great yoga capri's they're selling there.

Then, hanging out with a friend for a while, and I have to pull together the things I'm going to share tomorrow night. I've been praying about that over the weekend, and have a pretty good idea of the direction I'm going, but am hoping to pull it together, to actually sit down and organize my thoughts, make some notes, that kind of thing today or tonight sometime.

And with that, I'm off! Another quick update! I swear, Wednesday or Thursday latest I'll put something of substance here!

and on it goes...

I think I'm going to be offered a job tomorrow. I think it might be a good job, though it's not exactly what I'd dreamed of when I started hunting.

The thing is, if they call to offer it to me I'm going to have to ask them if I can wait and let them know Thursday or Friday, because I've interviewed at several other places that pay somewhat better, and won't be notifying candidates until later in the week. If they won't wait, then I'll respectfully decline the job since it's not exactly the type of hours and pay I was looking for anyway.

I'm hanging out at home today. I think I'm going to stay in my pajamas a while longer. My house is empty. My mom is at a training course for her work. My dad and youngest brother are still in Ukraine. My middle brother is away on a "stag" type weekend for a friend who's getting married soon. I like the empty house. I'm going to hang out, read, maybe watch a movie. I need to make a trip to the library later today, and I'm going to meet my mom at my aunt's birthday party tonight, but mostly I'm just going to chill.

And probably do a bit of writing and praying. I have been given an opportunity to share some of my story - of the things God has done in the last several months - one evening early this week. In a place where I have been for quite some time, but have rarely felt at home. So I'm praying that God will give me the courage and the words, that all the glory of the story will be His, because it is Him who has so changed my life...

The Three Minute Update

Because that's about all the time I have before I have to leave my house for the evening.

First, the job interviews have gone fairly well. From what I can tell, 3 of the 4 jobs I've interviewed for are ones I would really enjoy, and it seems like the interviews have gone quite smoothly.

Second, God has been doing some interesting stuff this week, speaking through friends, giving me reminders. More on that when I get some time to actually sit down, reflect and write. That may not be until Sunday or Monday.

Third, my plans for the evening make me happy. Nobody in crisis, just coffee with a friend, and then we're going to join up with a bunch of other friends to "watch" the hockey game. I use "watch" instead of "watch" because I think only one person there really actually cares about seeing the game, the rest of us are just using it as an excuse to hang out.

Fourth, I have another job interview tomorrow, two actual shifts (shocking, yes, I know) at the Bay this weekend, and another interview Monday morning. So, I probably won't really be blogging until Sunday or Monday as previously mentioned.

And that, my friends is the three minute update. And now I'm off to have coffee, hang out with good friends, and "watch" hockey!