I've been working for a couple weeks now to pretend like life is smooth. And in some ways it has been.
Like the surface of the sea has calmed for a while, but underneath, underneath is a roiling mess.
I managed to keep it mostly underneath. Until tonight.
Now it's all over the place, and I'm sitting here sobbing. My heart hurts. And there is quite literally no human that I'm aware of to whom I can turn.
The cost in relationships this last year has been high. And the few deep friends I have left are far away. At the moment even some of those relationships feel a bit tenuous in the midst of the spiritual storm that I seem to have been unceasingly caught in over this last year. (And that tenuous nature makes me scared, and increasingly, angry at the things causing it.)
My thoughts last night about blessing looking different than expected are ones I've pondered often.
I'll come right out and say that I'm asking a lot of questions of God about blessing. I've been taught (and believe scripture teaches) that obedience brings blessing. I was involved with some things last year that I believed then, and still believe, that God very specifically called me to. But the cost of those has been high, and has played out in every realm of my life, and still seems to be increasing. And I've found myself wondering where the blessing that was promised in the midst of obedience is. And if it will ever come.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
What we failed to be taught was that our callings come with persecution, and a whole lot of other things. But that doesn't mean you aren't blessed and God isn't with you. Cling to the community of love that knows you're doing God's will and support you.
Love you mucho, Lisa!
Post a Comment