Perpetual Winter (will spring come?)

Sometimes I feel like the season my heart has been existing in this last while is the season that Lucy found when she stumbled through the wardrobe into Narnia. Always winter, but never Christmas. Just the frozen deadness, without the celebration of new life.

The climate in Calgary and the Lenten season aren't helping with that. March is a teasing sort of month here, where we can easily have snow storms well into May. But in March, the temperature will begin to rise. We'll have a few days above zero, and then we'll be plunged back into the depths of the frozen climate that comes with our somewhat Northern location on the planet. It was -25 below zero this morning when my roommate and I left our house, without the windchill factored in. (I was so not made to live in this climate!) And Lent is a season that moves steadily towards suffering and death. A season that culminates in Easter, but must first traverse the pathway to the cross. A season that the early Christians marked as a way of preparation for baptism, a death of a more symbolic sort I suppose.

And so I find myself existing in a sort of perpetual season of winter, and I alternate between moments of calm acceptance and waiting for the restoration of spring and life, and moments of railing against it. Kicking and screaming as if my own discontent could somehow speed the healing work of God and match it and the changing of the seasons to my own preferred timetable.

I heard someone say the other night that "fasting teaches us that if we don't immediately get what we want, the world won't end." How's that for a challenge in a culture where instant gratification is king? And how much does my instant gratification need for "stuff" also extend to a demand that Jesus work and gratify on my instantaneous timetable as well?

I have watched these last few weeks as it has seemed that spring has begun to arrive in the lives of a few different dear friends. People who I know have walked long paths of winter and suffering. And I'm truly happy for them. But struggling at moments, too, with jealousy of them and anger at God. Wondering when my own spring will arrive.

On the other hand, as I mentioned to my roommate last night, I feel like these last few weeks, though it may not show on the outside of my life yet, I'm beginning to find my footing again. To find myself walking with Jesus, in the midst of the storm.

So maybe, just maybe, there is a hint of spring, far off in the distance. And that is just enough of a tiny hope to rest in.