Frustrations

I'm asking the big questions again these days. Some of the same old, same old ones. The ones where each time I find some sort of answer, I'm convinced it will be enough, and I won't have to revisit the question. I always revisit the question.

I'm angry. I'll spare you the details. No one else should have to drown in some of the toxicity that I sometimes think is slowly killing me. I'm spending a lot of time lately pondering that line of scripture that talks about "in your anger, do not sin." I'm also spending a lot of time pondering where exactly the line is between anger that is sinful, and anger that is righteous, and if you can have some combination of both all tangled up inside of you.

I'm reaching the end of my patience with my health. Those of you who have walked out life closely with me this year will know that I have been sick a lot this last year and a bit. That I'm struggling to keep weight on, because it seems like every time I manage to start eating regularly again, I become ill for several days and am unable to eat hardly at all. (That, in combination with a year where Jesus has often asked me to fast, has not made for healthy weight management. I'm probably going to be the only woman you'll ever meet who is complaining that she's dropped three pant sizes in a year, but it's getting expensive to keep buying new clothes, and I don't think it can be all that healthy for my body either.)

You've already heard me say that this last week a bad cold has settled in for the first time in several years. Yesterday was perhaps the lowest energy day that I've had all year. I quite literally had the desire to be up and around, but no actual physical ability to do so. I'd get out of bed for a few minutes here and there (to get food, to chat with my roommate etc.) and then I'd immediately need to go and lay back down.

What's most frustrating about the current health struggles is that I've really been making an effort since the new year to get my health under control. To take vitamins consistently. To be taking a supplement to help me sleep. To eat healthfully and regularly. Last week I even made appointments to see my doctor and eye doctor to get checkups and chat with them about a few minor nagging concerns.

And here I am, sick again. In the midst of my busiest week of work of the year. The week where I will also have to work the forthcoming weekend.

So, I'm tired and frustrated and angry. And I'm wondering when some of those things descend into sin.