Confession (And a Smile List)

Will you all still read my blog if I make a confession here? A sordid admission of personal failings?

Here it is.

I have not been very Christ-like lately.

My work situation is slowly driving me crazy, sapping my energy, and destroying my ability to focus on the positive.

I find myself descending into the ranks of petty anger, rude (if unspoken) comments, and taking great delight in doing things that I know will frustrate (though they shouldn’t) the person with whom I am struggling to work.

This morning, within two minutes of the official beginning of the work day, my patience was shot, and my mental voice was getting nastier by the second.

It didn’t help that on the way to work this morning, as I was talking to Jesus about this mess, He quietly reminded me of the passage that goes, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” I could have taken this as gentle correction, and begun to try for a change of heart. Instead, I began arguing. “The Psalms are full of King David praying for those who persecuted him. Things like ‘if only you would slay the wicked, O God.’” Jesus is a rather infuriating argument partner. He just keeps repeating himself, over top of my mental objections. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

I’m trying. It’s not easy. I’ve probably had to redirect my thoughts a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes. I want to respond to stupid questions like, “So, what do you do all day besides answering the phone?” with biting responses along the lines of, “Oh, nothing. I just sit here picking my nose all day.” I want to point out that the phone only rings 20-40 times over the course of an 8 hour work day, and yet, I somehow manage to be busy for 7 of those 8 hours (the 8th hour being when I take my lunch break). Instead, I’m working at redirecting my thoughts. At praying. It’s not easy.

And so, I’m in desperate need of a reminder list. A things I’m thankful for list. A change of attitude list. A list of the things that are making me smile today. Things like:

Dried apples.
Toppables crackers.
Passion tea.
A new t-shirt I bought on the weekend, with an image of a girl beautifully intertwined with waves and flowers.
A project list for work that is finally beginning to look manageable again.
Keeping plants alive at work, but not having to worry about that at home.
A weather forecast that promises a break from the frigid temperatures and snow we’ve been having as we move towards the weekend.
Encouragement from friends.
Gifts from a friend that arrived yesterday.
A pending massage appointment tomorrow night.
A work week that is now nearly half-over
Finding the “perfect journal” – the one I’ve looked all over Calgary and the internet for – at Chapters in Dalhousie on Monday night because of a random comment Rae made.
Buying two of the “perfect journal” so that I can rest easy for a while.
Daily pauses to write while I take the train in the morning.
That Jesus speaks even when it’s hard, and I argue, because I don’t want to hear what He’s saying.
Friends who let me vent as necessary.
That contrary to the weather, the calendar promises me that spring really IS coming.
Parents who introduced me to Jesus early on. (This past Sunday I celebrated 20 years since kneeling with my Mom and inviting Christ into my life.)
A mom who occasionally calls with an unexpected invitation to dinner – especially when she’s serving beef dip.
Daily emails from the Henri Nouwen society
Various photos that are serving to remind me of moments that were deep and beautiful, and full of peace and the presence of Jesus, while I walk through the midst of spaces where it is a stretch to find that peace and comforting presence.