Thirsty, and Taking it Back?

Have you ever prayed one of those prayers that, only days later, you find yourself mentally taking back, as you’re right in the middle of the answer to it? One of those dangerous prayers, that you don’t quite understand the ramifications of as you’re speaking it out to the Lord?

I find myself in the middle of a day filled with that today. Two days ago I wrote that I was asking the Lord to make me a person who “sees” – both literally and otherwise. I don’t think I meant it!

This is how my day has gone (starting from last night, because that’s where my story seems to begin).

I went swimming with my roommate and one of her coworkers last night. I haven’t been swimming for exercise in years, and it’s been at least six months since I was last in a swimming pool of any sort. I love the water. I love everything about swimming pools – even the chlorine smell. That’s what years of being part of and coaching for a synchronized swimming club does to your brain. It was a spur of the moment decision to join them, but I’m so very glad that I did.

I came home, returned a few emails, and fell asleep on the couch, trying to watch a television program I enjoy. And not the normal, half-asleep kind of thing either – I was out cold, and snapped awake as the show ended. I groggily stumbled towards bed, forgoing the usual pre-bedtime routine, and crashed hard. For two hours, or maybe three.

The rest of the night is kind of blurry. I’m not sure if I was awake, or dreaming. For hours I lay there, aware of an intense thirst, but too groggy to do much about it. The water bottle I keep in my bed was nearly empty, so I drained it, but was still so thirsty. I know I must have been awake at some point, because I must have climbed out of bed to grab another bottle of water – there was one in bed with me this morning.

I think I probably only slept about 4 hours, as I lay there, so thirsty, and praying.

I was talking to Jesus on the train this morning – today is the day I’m finalizing a major life decision, and I’m committed to spend a chunk of time today in a final period of seeking direction and guidance before finalizing the decision into something more permanent. And as I was talking with him, all I could think about again was how thirsty I’d been. And how I feel that same thirst for growing encounters with Christ and his redemption.

I got to work as usual, and found a slightly strange email awaiting me from a young woman who has a messy home situation, and with whom I’ve been walking out life this last while. I sent her a quick clarifying email and went on with my day.

Within an hour I found myself in a conversation that required me to be willing to really “see” and “hear” the person I was talking to. An awkward, pain-filled conversation. But good.

Another hour, and I received a very concerning response by email from my young friend. In this case, I’m needing to “see” in a much more metaphorical sense, as I talk to Jesus about her. She’s leaving town, stepping back into the midst of the messy situation she moved to Calgary to escape. (If you’re the praying sort, I’d love it if you’d pray for her)

After lunch with a good friend (very restorative, I might add!), I returned to the office.

Again – seeing, in the metaphorical sense. There are some things that live under the surface in our office and every so often come up for air. They’re airing themselves today, and the atmosphere shifted as they did.

I have to tell you that people who are raised as pacifists don’t seem to make for well-adjusted adults. I’ve never met a group of people more desperate to avoid conflict, and more unable to appropriately handle conflict when it does arrive.

I’ve been so tempted, as I’ve spent my day seeing and hearing to rescind that prayer from Sunday morning. “Lord, I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t.”

But I won’t. I’ll keep seeing, and hearing, and learning to see and hear more deeply. And I’ll keep talking with Jesus about the things I’m seeing and hearing. I’m thirsty, so thirsty, for more.