Disturbing Questions on War and Peace

I’ve been listening and reading and thinking a lot about the whole topic of peace lately. My heart has been undeniably pulled and shifted in this area over the last while, and as I listened to an activist, a Christian, a monastic tell stories and proclaim peace on my ipod on my way to work this morning, I found myself very near tears, with a growing dis-ease in my soul.

My heart is pulled to peace, but I am not sure I see a logical support for the case.

I keep hearing these arguments about Jesus as peacemaker. Was Jesus not also the one who violently cleared the temple? And yes, I know that ultimately, Jesus’ message was one of peace, even non-violence, but how can those who espouse Jesus as peacemaker also quote the Old Testament prophets, while choosing to ignore the God of the Old Testament – the God who directed his people to wipe out many nations, who aided his people in winning bloody battles through miraculous means? I would expect that the argument would have something to do with the new covenant offered in Christ, but I have difficulty with that, for God himself tells us that his character is unchanging – by this very argument the God represented by Christ is the same God of the Old Testament quest for justice.

This whole issue seems convoluted. Take Iraq for example. I don’t think I support a war there. But, I think it’s probably ultimately going to be a good thing that Hussein is gone. Take the death of Hussein – I don’t particularly think it was necessary, but at the same time see the historical precedent for eliminating a leader who has the potential to be freed from custody and regain his tyrannical power (Napoleon anyone?)? And the death penalty in general – I couldn’t do it, so is it right to support (and I don’t think I do) this thing and force someone else to make a career out of taking a life? Does it make it better if we kill someone humanely? Rather than hang them or shoot them we put them to sleep, and then inject drugs that simply stop the functions of life in their body?

What about the fact that violence seems by and large to affect the underprivileged? How do other issues of poverty and injustice play into this debate? What about Shane Claiborne’s argument that it is difficult to teach the children in the poor neighborhood in which he lives not to hit each other or use violence as a solution, when the government is sanctioning violence as a method of solving it’s problems internationally?

These are subjects that deeply disturb me. They disturb my confidence in knowledge. They upset my stomach and my heart. If you’re a friend – watch out – I may be coming your way to have conversations around this subject in the near future – it’s time to begin to verbally process some of these ideas.

I invite you to dialogue here with me, too. Leave a comment. Email me, or give me a call. I suspect this is a subject that requires the wisdom of many.

Walking into a hurricane...

Ever had one of those moments where you feel like you’ve suddenly walked into a hurricane? I did when I came back from lunch today. My boss and I used our lunch hour to go shopping for some things we needed for the office. We were a little longer than planned in getting back, and as we were headed into the building, someone from our office came flying out, shouting at me that an emergency had come up and she was leaving, and someone else was covering the phones but didn’t know what she was doing. Then we entered the building to discover that while we were away some people had been stuck in our elevator. After climbing the stairs to our floor, hauling our rather heavy purchases with us, my desk had items from a number of different sources demanding my immediate attention, the phones needed to be transferred back to me and commenced ringing somewhat incessantly. My boss was off for the day and needed to leave, but also to give me instructions for the afternoon. There was unfinished work from the morning waiting, a courier to urgently schedule, and my lunch to heat up and eat.

So, that was my afternoon. It’s now slowed down, and I have my last 20 minutes or so to sit quietly. I’ve accomplished everything urgent on my list, and am ready to head home and begin work on another important project – a birthday gift for a friend. I’ve also got plans to go out with my youngest brother and one of the girls from my youth Bible study for a while this evening. Then work tomorrow, picking up my best friend at the airport tomorrow night. Work Thursday, meeting for church that night. Work Friday, and a birthday party Friday night. Hair appointment Saturday morning, birthday of another friend, and a youth event Saturday night. This week is shaping up to be busier than I thought!

And all this after a relatively quiet morning at work that I spent doing a demo for a craft project we're doing with some children at a conference later this month - I painted a picture frame! Very fun. Moments like that make me love my job for a little while!

Great Article

Check out this article at Relevantmagazine.com. I love and to some extent greatly understand what the author had to say, and the place in life from which she's writing.

Just Thinking About... (Take 2)

Startled Awake
I had a rather odd moment this morning. I’m not sure what it means.

At around 5:00 I startled awake quite suddenly. My instinctual response as I woke was to quote the child Samuel, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.” And then I lay there for a moment or two before drifting back to sleep.

Nothing spectacular followed in the hour and a bit of light sleep that came before waking more permanently to prepare for the day. I didn’t have any kind of divine revelation, nothing spoken that I’m aware of. Just this moment of waking and having my instinctual response be a prayer that created a posture of listening and invitation.

Interesting way to start the third Monday I’ve fasted.

Voices
In this current season of seeking direction and intense awareness of the spiritual realm, two voices in what I’m reading and listening to have stood out in the last while – the first is Jason Upton (both his music and some recordings of talks he gave at a conference in November) and the second is Rob Bell (particularly the chapter of Velvet Elvis titled “Tassels”.) I love this line from Rob Bell (paraphrased as I don’t have the book in front of me), “Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has called you to be, and anything else is sin.”

Fasting
I’m not good at fasting intentionally. It felt easy that first Monday, the one right after I nearly died driving home from Marty and Kari’s. Such a strong sense of divine calling that day (and the queasy stomach from the leftover nerves helped too!). Last week was okay, and I ended up breaking the fast early to join my family and some guests in a meal, but this morning I keep having to remind myself that I’m not eating today. The chocolate bowl on my desk for our staff is mocking me. We (or should I say they) had cake to celebrate a co-worker's birthday, while I watched.

I’ve discovered that I eat out of habit – it is a way to fill time, to take up space that feels empty. When there's nothing else to do, when there's a pause in the action, I eat - some quick snack, often something fairly healthy, but I eat simply to fill space. I’m not sure that this is a particularly healthy method of eating, and it is probably good to discover these things about my appetites. This fasting has created a regular, forced reminder in my day that I am supposed to be focusing on God to fill me.

Good Day

I've had one of those days where you hit the evening and mostly feel satisfied.

I like those days - the ones where the sense of accomplishment is strong.

I did laundry, swept my floor, caught up on a number of little things.

I wrote and taught a Bible study that seemed to go okay.

I've watched Joan of Arcadia and done a little bit of shopping.

I drove Megs to the airport, and managed to pull her car into our driveway for the next few days without major incident.

I took a long, hot bath.

I've read a book.

I slept in (kind of - sleep remains a somewhat elusive thing).

I drank water and ate some comfort foods.

I did a piece of writing that's been bothering me all week.

I sent a few emails.

I hung out with one of my youth girls for a little while.

I like the days when all the little things come together and create happiness.

Thanks, Jesus, for the little days.

Just thinking about...

Processing
I process fairly slowly for a long period, and then in sudden bursts of understanding. I need lots of time and space to sit and think things out, and then I need the opportunity to have a conversation with a friend and verbalize the things in my head. I often find that as I have those conversations, I am speaking out random thoughts, and suddenly realize that God is speaking to me through my own words.

Being Relational
In one of those verbal processing moments last night with a friend, I realized an important truth about the direction I’m seeking in life just presently. I don’t really care too much about the ultimate location, as long as I’m living within a community of friends with whom I share a common heart, and who offer a reciprocal challenge to live more fully the things God has planted within each of us. Does the fact that I place such a high premium on being relational make me postmodern? Community is such a buzzword, and I don’t care about the hype, I just care about the people. I also believe that wholeness and healing happens primarily in the context of relationship with others and with Christ, and that that wholeness and healing are more fully attained within the context of a caring community living as the body of Christ on earth.

Location
Like I said before, I’m not so concerned about location as I am about the people, but there are certain things and areas of the world that pull at my heart like nothing else. I dream of sitting in the Incan ruins at Machu Pichuu in Peru and listening for the voice of God. I can’t explain that one – who travels halfway across the world to sit in some ruins and pray? I dream of visiting the many locations I studied about in school – the places where this faith in Christ, the definition of what it means to be Christian was shaped, formed and reformed. The places where movements were birthed, where the deep things have been spoken for centuries. I also dream of warmer climates, of skirts year round without frostbite concerns! I do feel that Calgary will not be home for too much longer.

Vulnerability/Humility
These are words that have been spoken and implied quite a lot lately in regards to my journey. They are the deep cry of my heart, and conversely, completely opposite to my human nature. It is hard to choose humility – I have to overcome this thing that I have engaged with for years that says that my worth is in being noticed, being respected, having power and position, being known for something, being successful. I’m starting to wonder if success isn’t really about having great relationships, being joyful in life, caring about others first, and being obedient to the leading of Christ. But I’m also having to fight in huge ways to remember that.

I am also learning how very difficult it really is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability and honesty are things I have long believed in, and ways I have chosen and felt called to live out life. Here’s the thing – it makes other people uncomfortable, and it tends to set you up to get hurt. I’m working to negotiate what it means to live out this part of my life in a church setting that doesn’t exactly welcome the sort of experience of God that has so defined my journey and my identity these past few years. I know I’ve inadvertently offended some lovely people by simply being honest about who I am and my place in life. I keep thinking about the life of Hannah, who was so completely vulnerable in her emotions that she poured herself out to God and was mistakenly thought to be drunk. I have known for some time that a call on my life is to break silence – the silence that so often perpetuates evil – that has perpetuated evil through generations of my family, and in the lives of a lot of people I know.

Growth and Mentoring
I continue to be hungry for mentoring as I seek to walk out life with God. I long to learn by experience and by sitting under the teaching of Godly men and women who have walked this journey longer than I and have wisdom to offer. I have been blessed with some good friends who I am also privileged to call teachers, but am hungry to see this lived out more consistently in my life. I suppose it comes back to the relational aspects I talked about earlier – I see myself flourishing when I am in relationship with people who challenge me in my faith and in my thinking.

Another Morning

Well, I still haven’t slept properly. In fact, the dreaming time was extended this morning. Back and forth, over and over from probably 3:00 a.m. on. Dreamt about books and writing, the same thing over and over and over. Of course, I don’t remember what specifically, but it was something to do with books and writing, and it was repeated continually, a hammering home of the point.

However, I feel less exhausted. Go figure. Less exhausted, more sick. I’m popping these little echinacea cough drops every hour or two to keep my throat somewhat lubricated.

My awareness remains heightened in some areas and dulled in others. This is a paradox that puzzles me, but makes me wonder if God has chosen physical exhaustion to create a greater dependence on himself, and a greater awareness of his voice.

There’s not much on my to do list for work today. That could be a problem, because it needs to last me through today and tomorrow. So I’m working at things slowly, pausing here and there to circumspectly surf the internet or check my email.

I designed a temporary tattoo as a promotional item for our company last week. Today I’m going to place that order, as well as ordering a number of other promotional items for upcoming events.

I’ve also got a lunch date with a friend, and a date to hang out with my best friend after work this evening.

Good Evening

I have had an absolutely good evening. I just thought I'd share that.

Little things, that all together made for lots of satisfaction.

I made pancakes for supper - shrove Tuesday and all that. Not actually really a breakfast eater - can't remember the last time I had pancakes (probably when Kari still lived in Calgary and we met for breakfast, or maybe that random evening after church last spring at Deb's house with Chad and Janna, Jenn, and Stu...?). Anyway, I made them all by myself, which I was quite proud of, and they tasted quite lovely.

I also returned all of the novels I'd previously borrowed from the library, and picked up some reading material.

Watched a bit of Joan of Arcadia that Kari sent home with me the last time I visited.

Cleaned my bedroom up a bit so I can now once again sit in my chair to read.

Browsed through Christian publications and found a few deals, and a few books that weren't really deals, but will hopefully be worth the purchase.

Had a small victory when I drove through the intersection where I had my accident in December for the first time. (Not that I've been avoiding it, but I have thought about it now and then - it just happens to be somewhere where I don't normally drive on a regular basis).

Came home, accomplished several things on a to do list that have needed doing for a while now.

Also created a list of book options for reading in place of novels during Lent. My book purchasing seems to have gotten out of hand. When I make up lists of this sort, I categorize by, "books I own," "books I've borrowed" and "books from the library." Last time I made up this sort of reading list, I had less than half a page of books I owned that I hadn't read, or had started but never finished. Seems that list has now grown to a full page and a bit. And then there were still the other two categories of books. However, the list does make me excited. Can't wait to dive in and challenge my brain and feed my soul in this manner.

And with that, I'm off to read in bed. (Hopefully without falling asleep TOO quickly tonight!)

On the agenda for tomorrow? Lunch with a friend, hanging out with Megs and catching up (three months apart is a REALLY long time), prepping for girl's Bible study this weekend, and possibly learning about the wonder that is "Skype".

And the night after that? RASCAL FLATTS with Tim!

Dulled and heightened

I’m fuzzy this morning.

Seems exhaustion has heightened some senses and dulled others. I am finely attuned to the spiritual at the moment. I hear and sense things that I do not normally. I feel deeply the presence of Christ, and also the ongoing attacks of the enemy. The dreams are relentless, though I’m retaining fewer of them lately. I wake each morning several hours before my alarm from a deep sleep, and then sleep again, but I dream, toss and turn, and am generally restless.

At the same time, I feel physically and mentally dull and listless. That sense where concentration seems just beyond your grasp, your head feels cloudy, and all you really want to do is crawl back into bed.

I think I’m getting sick, too. I’ve been fighting a bit of a head cold, and it seems to be getting a bit worse just presently. Other indications include a complete inability to warm my extremities – my fingers and toes are constantly cold, and even my core feels chilled.

The longings of my heart are being pulled incessantly lower. To community. To justice. To the broken, the vulnerable, the humble. I am learning what a large risk it is to live in a truly vulnerable way. The cry of my heart is for ever increasing freedom.

Schtuff...

I taught Sunday school for the first time yesterday. We talked about fasting, about Lent and preparing our hearts to celebrate the deliverance of Christ. I don't know what they heard, of if they heard anything I said. I hope so.

Hung out with Andy and some of the other UM people last night, and had some great food and conversation. May have to make something of this sort a more regular occurrence in my life.

I fasted today, though I broke the fast earlier than planned to eat dinner with my family and some guests. I don't want to be religious about this, and I felt that it was the right thing to join them in eating. I just want to work to be conscious of my diet, conscious of setting aside significant portions of time in this season of life to seek the heart of the Father.

Since the call to see justice at work has been growing in my heart, I am focusing some of my lenten reading on this topic. Reading stuff by Romero, Buechner, Dorothy Day, Tony Campolo, Mother Teresa, Che Guevara and others.


I still find myself quite exhausted. Sleep remains quite elusive and disturbed. Dreams, and lots of times of wakefulness. Still wondering how to weed the God things from the other in my disturbances of sleep.

I've begun to ask God once again for rest to come. Hopefully that comes in the form of sleep, but I would like it to also come in a sense of peace and quietness within the deep places. I would like to have the energy and focus that comes from that sort of restoration.

The words vulnerability and humility have been brought up quite regularly in my life lately, by a whole wide variety of friends and voices. I'm asking God for the strength to live these out.

And with that, I think I'm going to read in bed. (Which you should read as, "I'm completely exhausted, and I'm going to read until I start falling asleep - which should take about ten minutes!" If only the sleep would last!)

Back to work tomorrow. I'm glad for a short week.

Tired

I'm tired tonight. You know it's been a stretch of not sleeping well when you startle yourself awake at 7:00 am on a Saturday and think "Thank God it's 7:00," with a great deal of sincerity in that muttered prayer. What I mean is, "Thank God I slept until 7:00 before startling awake, as it's been 2, 3, or 4 am for most of the last week or two."

There are some emotional things weighing a bit on me.

I'm wondering if the Sunday school lesson I spent a good chunk of today preparing will connect with the youth I'm teaching it to tomorrow morning.

I'm tired of this season of my life. It's been hard, and to some extent I'm tired of the fight. I'm feeling whiny, and possibly a little bit sorry for myself.

I'm also still waiting to see what God is doing next. (Though I found a very interesting option for this coming summer for improving both writing, faith, and entering some post-graduate studies via a series of web links tonight. Working to get a bit more information before I become less cryptic.)

Abba, I belong to You. Remind me of that in these moments of exhaustion when it would be so easy to just quit fighting. I belong to You. Show me where you're working and how I can join you.

Morning Musings

I woke early this morning, and didn’t sleep that well last night, though that is nothing unusual lately.

I got out of bed just long enough to grab my laptop and start my morning with a bit of writing, a piece that’s been bothering me all week, and will probably (after a quick edit and read through) end up on this blog.

My best friend gets home this afternoon after three months overseas. I can’t wait to see her. I’m leaving work at noon, heading downtown to the police station to get a police check done for my involvement with the youth group, and then heading home from there to pick up a car and drive to the airport to meet her. So excited!

And I made the mistake of wearing knee high, high-heeled boots to work this morning. I only thought the process half-way through. “I’ll wear boots so my feet don’t get wet in all the muck from the melting snow this morning.” I forgot this part, “Slightly frozen muck and muck three plus inches deep is a pain to navigate in sneakers, never mind spindly two inch heels.” Whoops. Made it safe and sound, though I nearly fell several times. I think we’ll retire the boots for a less slippery day when I get home at lunch!

Another dream... driving again

I woke up about an hour before my alarm this morning, so I popped something into my stereo, rolled over and went back to sleep, whence I very promptly had yet another disturbing dream.

This time, I dreamt I was driving in Southern Alberta, and stopped to get food at a Subway. A storm came up quickly, and I was stranded with a whole bunch of people at the Subway. We stood by the glass windows, watching the sky, and all of these tornadoes are trying to form, but not quite forming. Over and over again they would start, and then dissipate.

Finally, everyone in the restaurant leaves as a group. We’re driving, and then suddenly hiking quite desperately through this brush up a hill.

Anyway, the main image was again of driving as unsafe, of driving in the midst of this storm.

Apparently driving is the vulnerable area in my life that the enemy is choosing to attack these days.

Makes it hard for someone who has never liked driving in the first place to keep fighting off the fear and getting behind the wheel.

Clinging still, to God my shield. To the protection he provides.

Lenten Waiting

Stay low.

Come deeper.

For the last few days I have sensed the Spirit close to me. Burning inside me, pulling and tugging at things I don’t recognize or understand.

I keep hearing the phrases I opened this entry with, and other things very similar.

I have no idea where this is headed, but sense it’s important.

I had a powerful picture yesterday as I was on the train going home. It pulled together some things spoken and prayed over me in the last while. I saw myself laid out before God, in that sort of prayer position you see in pictures of Muslims praying. Kneeling, but with my face on the ground and my arms outstretched in front of me, palms up, open and waiting to be filled. And over me, shielding me, was the hand of God, curved, as if to cover and protect me from any harm.

My heart strings seem irretrievably tied to the calendar of the church. God has often chosen to work in me during periods typically set aside by the church calendar as times of waiting, anticipation, and preparation. I’ve written here before about the sense of pregnant expectation attached to these times in my life. Maybe it’s the history major in me, or maybe the church really had some divine guidance when they established the calendar of the liturgy all those years ago.

Lent seems to be a time of this sort of waiting and expectation for me again this year.

I’m praying that the voice of God will capture me with it’s clarity and direction. That I will be pulled ever deeper, ever lower, into the heart of the Father.

I’m anticipating the times of closeness gleaned from fasting, from watching the “diet” of things I take into myself.

I’m excited to see what He is doing. I feel something new being birthed once again.

Abba, I belong to You.

Show me where You’re working and how I can join You.

Dieting for Jesus...

Okay, I admit that the title is glib, and that all of you are now completely disgusted.

Actually, here's the thing, I've been in the middle of this real wild season of life. The middle of crazy spiritual attack - things I would have never wanted or desired. (Not that anyone particularly wants to suddenly find themselves in the middle of intense spiritual warfare.) I've been waiting on God for direction for next steps. I've been slowly building relationships with a number of girls in the youth group God has placed me in a role of leadership in for this season. I've been fighting fear in many shapes and forms - a resurgence of things I thought long gone from my life. I haven't been doing much sleeping, between the God dreams, the nightmares, and the nights where sleep simply won't come and stay, so I wake every hour or two, fully awake, and with difficulty falling back to sleep.

I was at Marty and Kari's place over the weekend, and we talked and prayed about direction. I felt peace, quietness, rest, begin to seep in and fill the places that were so achingly uncertain. I left their home with those things somewhat restored in my heart.

Then I nearly had the accident on the way home.

It made for an interesting experience.

So, you're all wondering what my title is really referring to.

I woke up this morning and somehow knew that I needed to fast today. Now, what you need to understand is that fasting is a discipline I've deliberately gone out of my way to avoid participating in. I wouldn't do it to raise money (30 hour famine or the like) and I wouldn't do it for anything else either. But I got up this morning and knew that today I was going to fast.

So I did, nothing but liquids (and one lifesaver because I forgot that I was fasting, so unusual an occurrence is it!) all day.

And tonight, as I lay in the bathtub, I started thinking again about this whole idea of fasting. God has been working to get my attention in this area for quite a while, and I've been ignoring him equally deliberately. So I'm laying in the bath, having put down the book of sermons I'm reading just presently, and God starts to speak.

"I want you to think about your diet."
"What do you mean, my diet? I eat okay."
"All of the things you take into yourself - not just food."
"oh, well I do love to eat. About the only thing I like less than giving up food was that time I gave up novels and gossip magazines for Lent. Though that was a good experience in the long run."
"There are things in your diet, things you take into yourself that you use to hide from me, and from the things I want to do in your life."
"..."

Lent begins next week. Historically, it was a time of preparation for new converts to the Christian faith. A time of intense study, fasting and prayer, leading up to their baptism on Easter Sunday. It is a time of waiting, of moving towards death, of dying to self as we remember the crucifixion on Good Friday, of laying in the shrouds of death on the Saturday, and rising to a new and glorious life with the celebration of the resurrection on Easter Sunday.

Before I left Marty and Kari's they prayed for me. Many things, but among them that direction would come for this season of life.

I strongly believe that God has called me to submit my "diet" to Him for this season of lent. I sense him asking me to fast, in two specific ways, to give up two things I use to hide from the more painful or scary realities of life. So, I'm not going to eat on Mondays from now until Easter. I'm also not going to read any novels or gossip magazines during the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Beyond that, I sense God asking me to choose carefully those things that I take into myself. To make careful and conscious choices about the things I watch, listen to, read, and partake of.

Pray for me.

To be honest, it's a terrifying concept to commit to these things. Particularly on the heels of this season of intensity so strong I've often felt the need for the escape provided in food or in fictional pursuits.

But I want God, ever more deeply, and am willing to give this a shot if that's what it takes.

I covet your prayers in this season. Pray that I will find myself clinging to God my shield. That I will clearly hear the voice of the father speaking to me.

As I was meditating and praying tonight, I was listening to Jason Upton, and the following lyrics grabbed me as strongly appropriate given this season of life.

In the Silence
Tired of telling you you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your
way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

© 2002 Jason Upton & Key of David Ministries. All rights reserved

Happy to be alive

Pretty tense today. I nearly had a very serious accident yesterday, and driving for two hours on very sketchy highway is not my idea of a good time.

Grateful for the protection of God in this case. Lots of little things came together to mean that instead of having a very serious accident, I didn't have an accident at all.

But I'm back to being incredibly tense every time I get behind the wheel. Figures, I just noticed in the latter part of last week that I wasn't panicing every time I drove anymore (since the last accident).

Had a great weekend with Marty and Kari (excluding the drive home!). I'll post later tonight or tomorrow!

Little Things

Spending my evening taking time to accomplish a number of little things.

• I picked up a rental car to drive to Marty and Kari's tomorrow.
• I'm packing so I can leave tomorrow.
• I read the preview first chapter of a book with the title "Imaginative Prayer for Youth Ministry." Sounds like something I may pick up, as I would love to figure out ways to engage the youth I'm working with in prayer in new and different ways, to make it more active, and hopefully more meaningful.
• Created a wish list on chapters/indigo website. Not really planning to advertise it all that much. More of a list for me to know which books and dvd's I'm interested in, or waiting to buy, so that when I have an extra 50 bucks, I can easily order something I know I'm going to want.
• Going to clean my desk up a bit.
• Going to spend some time studying the book of Mark in preparation for the next Bible study for the youth girls.
• Going to send out an email reminding the girls when the next Bible study will be held.
• Going to put away the laundry I folded earlier while I watched tv.
• Going to read a bit of the book we're working through with the youth Sunday school class - seems I'm either teaching, or helping to teach next weekend, and thought I should probably refresh myself as to the content of the book before I'm supposed to be encouraging interaction with others.
• Going to drink lots of water. My favorite beverage, and I'm quite thirsty just presently.
• Going to spend some time praying. Cause my days end better when I spend that time at night.
• Going to email someone from 24/7 or UM to find out he has any creative ideas for introducing our youth to 24/7, since we don't have a building and can't set something up ourselves.
• When all that's done, I think I might curl up in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD for a while.

This was a happy day. And I love a list like this of little things to finish up. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing something. And with that, I'm off!

See you after the weekend!

My 400th Post

One of those days?

Here are the things I’m thinking about this morning.

First, do you ever have the “pleasure” of sitting next to someone on public transportation who has no sense of etiquette for said transportation? I did this morning. He would talk to himself, random half sentences, said with trailing endings, looking for a response. He kept sort of turning to stare at me (and well, I do look hot in my toque, parka, gloves, and seventeen other layers, but still…), and then, he’d whip around, to look out the window, and crane his head and shoulders, so that he was almost in my lap. Gotta love public transit!

Secondly, I’m greatly enjoying the perfume I’m wearing this morning. As I was walking, every so often the wind was just right, and I caught a whiff of it. I kept thinking to myself, “Dang, I smell good today!”

Third, I forgot my shoes. No, I didn’t come all the way to work in my stocking feet. I wore running shoes, much more suited for the snow we currently have in abundance than the dress shoes I normally wear. However, in my getting ready this morning, I forgot to chuck the dress shoes in my bag. Good thing I wore dress socks today instead of the wooly socks I normally wear and take off to go barefoot in my dress shoes!

And finally, I got to work to find out that I left a phone message yesterday for a dead person. Someone whose funeral program has been sitting in our staff room all week, but I didn’t catch on. Thankfully his widow was quite gracious in an email returning my phone message, but I feel badly none the less.

And with that, I’m on to start the real “meat” of my day. The chocolate covered granola bar is kicking in, my legs are starting to thaw out from the trek to the c-train, and, in stocking feet, I can sit half-way cross legged much more comfortably. See you later!

Just Because I Could Use It

Things that are making me smile
(one of those happiness lists that are equivalent to low doses of anti-depressants!)

1. An email from my best friend, now in Ireland, telling me about being invited to a "formal" this weekend, and worrying about possibly having to dance.
2. The prospect of a trip to see Marty and Kari this weekend (assuming the weather doesn't get totally horrendous)
3. A poem by Leonard Cohen (see my last post.)
4. The movie "Secondhand Lions"
5. Chocolate covered almonds
6. Subway lunch today with a great coworker
7. A relatively clean bedroom
8. A whole stack of books on my desk, just waiting to be read.
9. A stable financial situation for the moment
10. Blogger working properly and a successful migration to the new blogger
11. A decent week so far at work.
12. A new friend
13. A fairly okay first ever youth girls Bible study last weekend
    
14. Knowing that loving on the youth girls is something God is enabling me to do right now
15. Passion Tea
16. Hot pink crocs (have I mentioned that I've become a crocs evangelist?)
17. My best friend coming back to Canada in just over a week.
18. Pictures of a friend's new baby
19. magic bag - can you say fantastic for those cold winter nights?
20. The beauty of the snow covering everything right now (if not the temperatures necessary for all the snow to be falling)

That's all for now folks! I have reading to do, and then sleeping!

I am one of the fakes...

Thousands
Out of the thousands
who are known
or who want to be known
as poets,
maybe one or two
are genuine
and the rest are fakes,
hanging around the sacred precincts
trying to look like the real thing.
Needless to say
I am one of the fakes,
and this is my story.

I fell in love with this poem, by Leonard Cohen (in Book of Longing) when I first read it. I think I may put it as the facing page/introduction to the first book I ever write.

How beautiful a concept, that even the fakes, the failures, the ones with pretense and the ones without, all of us have a right, and hopefully an inbred desire and ability to tell our story.

I read something on Donald Miller's website just after Christmas, where he was talking about working to tell a better story with his life this year. About living fully and intentionally.

I like that.

I am not (usually) a poet.

I am one of the fakes.
And this is my story.

Reading Material

I'm working my way through a number of books just presently, and have spent the evening reading bits and pieces of all of them, with plans to continue reading, comfortably curled up in bed as soon as I'm done posting.

1. The Motorcycle Diaries by Ernesto "Che" Guevara. Loving this one in much the same way I love the movie, though it is decidedly slower and less strikingly profound than the movie.
2. The Alphabet of Grace by Frederick Buechner. Haven't made it very far in, but am liking what I've read so far. I've liked what I've read by Buechner in the past, and some of my favorite authors quote him quite regularly, so I thought I'd check him out myself.
3. The Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen. I confess to mostly skim reading this one. Poetry is always more difficult for me to read, and this is full of rather strongly erotic poetry that I'm skipping quite liberally. However, there are a few gems in there too!

There are others waiting in the wings, partially read, some skimmed, and ready for in depth persusal. Can I just say that I love books, and that I'm grateful for close proximity to a good library. All three of the above are library books. Which is decidedly easier on my pocketbook than purchasing!

Some Changes

Since I've finally managed the switch, I also took the time to make some changes. Most significantly, I've updated my list of people and things I like. If you're still not on the list, it doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means I don't know where to find you!

Finally Switched Successfully

I have finally accomplished a successful switch from Old blogger to New Blogger. With no thanks from blogger support, I might add. I emailed them several times, and got nothing but a form letter response, telling me they were busy, providing help links, and a note that said you should reply to their form email if the help links didn't solve your problem. They don't answer you when you reply to their email either. I finally had to give up on my original google account and make a new one, which ultimately allowed me to finally switch.

So, I'll be back either later tonight, or tomorrow sometime with new blogging

Still Not Working Properly... But I'm Thinking!

I have had a really hard time writing anything of substance for quite a while now. I manage the occasional blog post, and once in a while I type a journal entry, or hand write some thoughts in a journal. But mostly, I've felt unable to write anything worth considering for more than about three seconds.



There are two possible reasons I see for this.



The first is that I have been wanting for quite some time now to be out of Calgary, and am waiting for the pieces to fall into place for that to be possible. I find Calgary hard to breathe in these days, and for me, the ability to draw deep, spiritual breaths is closely tied to the creative processes necessary to write.



The second thing niggles every once in a while at the back of my mind. "What if I can't write anymore because I was healed from depression? What if everything interesting that I had to say was a result of the depression?"



These are the things I'm thinking about.



I'm off to finish planning the girls Bible study for tomorrow afternoon - that and take a hot bath with a good novel.



If blogger ever gets fixed, and solves my problem, I'll get back to posting regularly!

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