Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 48

Today's Daily 5:

1. a night that mostly involved sleep
2. walking through crunchy, fallen leaves.  that crunching noise is indescribable, and definitely one of my favorite parts of fall.
3. Eating a Rice Krispy Square for breakfast
4. the smell of cookies baking
5. filing a government report online that I'd expected to be a hassle requiring a phone call to the government office, and having it go smoothly, without a phone call being needed.
6. wearing a t-shirt that had some painful connotations and realizing that I could just love the shirt, and it didn't need to be about the things it was connected to at one point
7. Venti Iced Passion Tea Lemonade
8. Noticing that the abbreviation for my favorite drink from Starbucks is PTL.  This made me giggle, given my very churchy upbringing, and my current quest to be more joyful and thankful.
9. spending a whole bunch of time working on a project that will likely become a new hobby for a while
10. enjoying a Coco Brooks BBQ chicken pizza for supper

Mid-Day Weekend Thoughts

I'm not sure why I qualify in the title that these are weekend thoughts.  My days all sort of blend together right now, without much to distinguish a weekend from the rest of the week.

I slept a bit late this morning, which was helpful, since I was up rather late last night, thinking through some things after having been out for a good chunk of the day with a friend.  It wasn't the most restful sleep, but any actual sleep (even the kind with odd dreams) is helpful.

I sat at the bus stop and made a list for the day.  A list that it seemed wouldn't be even kind of accomplished once I arrived at mom and dad's and discovered that their internet connection was down.  Thankfully, they managed to get it fixed quickly, and in the meantime, I did the non-internet sorts of things from my list.  Things like cleaning and baking cookies.

I'm hoping this will be one of those rare days where most things on the list for the day are actually accomplished.  It looks like that might actually happen, even with the addition of several items, extra chores to help mom out, but that she's willing to have me do to pay off a bit of money I owe her for some items she picked up for me at a store or two recently.  A few things that I thought would be time consuming or a pain in the butt to accomplish went smoothly and surprised me.  I love when that happens.

I figure it's a pretty good deal, this doing a few chores at mom and dad's in exchange for free food, and the occasional place to crash for a night, and usage of a table or desk most days as I putter around on the internet.  I have to remind myself, sometimes, how good a deal it is, when mom interrupts for the fourth time that hour with some two minute task that must be done.

And with that, I'm going back to my lists of tasks.  I needed to clear my head a little, by writing about the day, and now that that's done, I'm going back to work!

What about rain?

This quiz made me chuckle.  Some of it is true of me, some of it isn't.  I don't handle grey rainy days really well, but I do enjoy the quiet of them.

Rain Makes You Happy

You tend to move slowly, but you still get a lot done. You are steady. You tend to have your head in the clouds. You are a bit absent minded, and you're often lost in your thoughts. You are naturally content and happy. You can adapt to your environment easily. You prefer to be around people who are familiar and trusted. Your best friends are your oldest friends. You find peace when you are able to slow down. When you can just be, your life clarifies itself.

The Rainy Day Test

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 47

Today's Daily 5:

1. Google Reader - it really has revolutionized my blog reading, and I'm still loving it
2. finding a Henri Nouwen devotional type book I'd never seen before on the clearance rack at the bookstore
3. hanging out with my friend J - one of my longest standing friends - we've known each other since tenth grade
4. watching the movie "The Social Network" - fascinating movie, and very well done
5. giggling over some really horrible dresses in a very high end designer store.  Nothing like a polyester dress in a fabric that resembles one of those wind-breaker jackets from the eighties that costs $1500.
6. great dinner and conversation

Not Mine to Own

"Not 'if' you get in, but when.  We're going to say when.  I have a good feeling about this."

Her words were well-meaning, and I was trying to smile graciously, and look like I was thankful for her attempt at encouragement, but inside I was cringing.

In my head, she wasn't encouraging, she was just adding another layer of pressure.  Another standard to meet.

She was referring to the question of whether or not I'll be admitted to the nursing program that I've applied for.  It's a question that remains very much up in the air, and one that rather haunts my days right now.  A lot rides on that question, and it's answer.  A lot of my life remains very much up in the air until an answer comes - likely towards the end of October, but maybe even longer.

I have this performance mentality that is deeply ingrained within me.  This need to meet expectations, and the well meaning words I quoted just didn't help things.

She was trying to offer hope, a positive outlook, encouragement.

What I heard was, "It'll be such a disappointment if you don't get accepted.  Acceptance is the standard by which your worth is measured."

I was thinking about those words last night as I sat on a bus on my way to house church.

About that mentality that wants to minimize expectations, and thus minimize the sense of failure, and of disappointing others.  The mentality that is almost afraid to hope, afraid of what happens if that hope is dashed.

And as I sat on the bus pondering this insane need to meet invisible standards, a whisper echoed through my thoughts.

"That isn't yours to own."

huh.

God is doing a lot of crazy things in my life right now.

Changing mindsets and thought patterns.

Showing me things that are unhealthy.

And showing me a perspective that's different.

It's not mine to own.  My well meaning relative didn't know she was adding a layer of pressure to my already smothered in performance expectations, needing to please self.  But even if she'd known, her perspective, her perceptions, her expectations are not mine to own.

I'm responsible for me, and for God.

I'm reminding myself that I put the best effort I had into the courses I took, and that right now I have a choice.

I can wait in fear, or I can wait in hope.

I can fear rejection, or I can hope for admittance.

And I can choose to acknowledge that if I am not accepted, I will be disappointed.  I will ache, and likely cry.  I will probably fight the long standing battle of feeling like a failure.  And then, then I will pick up the pieces and pray some more, and apply for the next session.  And I can remember that the only person whose expectations I'm responsible for are mine.  And that I'm ultimately accountable to Jesus.

And all that other stuff?

The thoughts and expectations of other people - real or perceived?

It's not mine to own.

I might have to be reminded of that over and over and over again.

But it's not mine to own.