Daily 5 - Day 218

Today's Daily 5:

1. Last day in the office for this week since I have meetings in another city tomorrow.
2. Got a sweet rental car to drive to and from Edmonton for the day
3. Really nervous about all that driving, but thrilled that I'm getting paid to listen to audio books or scripture or sermons or music for six hours tomorrow.
4. egg rolls for supper (simple pleasures)
5. made a trip to the library and picked up a whole variety of new audio books.  can't wait to listen to a few over the next weeks.

Great Quote on Anxiety

"Anxiety is nothing but repeatedly re-experiencing failure in advance.  What a waste." 

Found as the major portion of a brief post at Seth Godin's blog this morning.

Sort of an interesting thought, given the night I spent, snapping awake anxious, and then relaxing.  Sort of an interesting thought anyway, for someone who struggles deeply with anxiety. 

Dan Barber: How I fell in love with a fish

My current love for food and cooking is well documented (actually, you can expect an update sometime soonish on the progress on the new recipes goal for this year.)

I actually don't eat fish or seafood, but I loved this video from TED.


Dan Barber: How I fell in love with a fish | Video on TED.com

Shouldn't I feel better?

I slept last night.  Sort of, anyway.  None of the crazy dreams, or weird horrifically dark "encounters" of the previous couple of nights.  The things that had made me terrified to turn out the lights in my bedroom last night (I contemplated a nightlight for the first time in 15 years, and did end up leaving my laptop screen on, instead of turned off the way I normally have it.)

So shouldn't I feel better this morning?

Because I don't.  I'm still exhausted and edgy.

It seems funny, because each time I woke in the night all I felt was relief.  There was nothing stirring in my bedroom.  Sort of that deep sigh that comes from the relief of waking on edge, and then realizing you can actually breathe a little.

Though, I suppose, given the fact that I woke on edge each time, there was likely adrenaline coursing through my body even as I slept, and coursing adrenaline probably doesn't do a whole lot for actual rest.

The relief, remains this morning.  Last night I simply did not feel up to fighting the battle of the previous few nights, and I was relieved to find in those moments I woke that it didn't seem to need to be fought.

But here's the thing that's niggling - it comes down to trust for me.

I felt God's peace descend a bit as I was getting ready to turn out the lights last night.  As I sat propped in bed and quietly read Psalm 91 aloud.  And the overarching promise of my life, the one that I want to have tattooed in visual form on my back, is a verse from Genesis 15, where God speaks to Abram and says this, "Do not be afraid, Abram.  I am your shield, your very great reward."  I'm one of those people who believes that God speaks, and I believe he spoke those words over my life in the midst of a very challenging season a number of years back, "I am your shield."  I believe that, but I have a hard time trusting it.  And I failed at trusting last night.  I knew that peace, and yet couldn't accept it, rest into it, trust it.  And this morning, because I couldn't trust and rest in that, I'm paying the price for a night that held more sleep than usual for me - a night that could have been restful and restorative, but was instead filled with the surge and crash of adrenaline as I'd wake on edge and then realize I was still safe, and could rest.

I should feel better this morning, but I don't particularly.

I'm left pondering lessons in trust still to be learned.  It's been a theme for these last two and a half very hard years, and apparently it will continue to be a theme for a while.

And as I wonder what to pray, as I confess my lack of trust, I'm reminded again of the father of the demon possessed boy, and the plea he cried out to Jesus, and today I pray that with him, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."

Daily 5 - Day 217

This was sort of a harder day, mostly because of the really rough night last night.  The sort of day when I need to make even more of an effort to find happy things.  The things I'm thankful for or the things that make me smile.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful for a few valued friends who I know will pray if I email and ask.  Who I know pray anyway, but are definitely willing when there is something specific.
2. Thankful for the insulated mug, especially designed for loose tea that I used for the first time tonight.  A parting gift from L., and one I will enjoy.
3. Lemon Mango fruit infusion loose tea
4. Carrying light to dark corners
5. A lit candle flickering on my dresser
6. Made it through the day - after the rough night last night, there were points of the day where I wasn't certain I would make it, at least without loosing it, but I did.  And that was a simple blessing.
7. Listening to and enjoying an audio book the whole way home.  I'm still finding it hard to read in the traditional way for any length of time (working on gaining that attention span and concentration lost to the health struggles back)  But I'm loving the use of audio books, because listening I can do, and I have an hour or more each day, coming home via public transit, that I can devote to listening.  And I'm loving the way it's causing my brain to kick in again.  To analyze, anticipate, and engage with the stories.  To examine their effect on me and my own thoughts and beliefs.  To broaden my knowledge.
8. TED videos - I'm loving these for the same reason as audio books right now.  Mostly, I play them in the background while I'm working, but by listening, I can expose myself to a whole variety of fascinating thinkers and ideas.  It feels good to be challenged in that way again, to feel an appetite for knowledge and engagement with the world returning to me (though perhaps tempered by the experiences of the last few years.)
9. A brief phone conversation, and laughing with my mom tonight
10. Still really enamored by just having cooked well the other night - had the last of that food for dinner tonight, and it was so tasty all over again.  And, my body is thanking me for healthier food choices these last few days.
11. (Bonus!) Green grapes