The blog will be quiet for the next couple of days.
Right after work tomorrow I'm heading out for a fast 24 hour trip to Montana. One of my roommates needs to cross an international border to activate the extension on her work visa, and my dad and I are driving with her.
I'm both totally ecstatic that my dad decided to join us, and nervous as well. Our relationship hasn't always been the best (though I know with certainty that he loves me), and extended time together is always a bit of a challenge for my heart. On the other hand, I love that he's coming because I don't love driving, and ten hours of driving within the span of 24 hours would be a bit much. He loves to drive. And we're taking his vehicle, which is definitely more up to a long trip than George.
So, I'll be home sometime Saturday, depending on things like road conditions and length of time at the various border crossings. But I probably won't be back to blogging until Sunday or Monday. The hotel we're staying at has free wireless, but I've decided to leave my computer at home. I'll catch up with all of you on the other side!
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Everything has influence
I’m struck this morning by how inter-connected life is. How likes and dislikes are influenced by those around you, and shift, based on time and relationships. How something can take on a totally different set of connotations depending on time and space and those around you.
Take for example (because this is what made me start thinking about this) the new U2 album. I downloaded it from itunes the other night and have been listening to it off and on ever since. I was thinking about how I was first introduced to the music of U2 in high school, while attending a young life event, when a speaker used the song “Peace on Earth” to illustrate his point. I was captured by the lyrics, and went out and bought the album the song appeared on, and I’ve been hooked on U2’s music ever since. (That, for those of you who are counting, gives me about a 10 year or so history of loving the music they put out.)
I’ve felt weird about listening to the newest album the last while though. Partly because some people who I know have also been listening, and stuff that they engage in has not always been the healthiest thing for me. Partly because some of the people who I know are listening are people with whom there is relational strain, and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to identify with them in any way.
And so I find myself having this ridiculous self-conversation to justify enjoying a new music purchase. Defending myself to myself. Saying things like, “I’ve liked U2 since long before I even knew so and so.” Berating myself for feeling at times so petty that I will turn away from something that could be beautiful simply because someone with whom I’ve struggled also thinks it could be beautiful.
It’s funny how it spreads, the connotations that things have. I’ve been accused off and on of using specific phrases in my day to day speech that are associated with various people I know (and again, people with whom there are tensions). And I’m quick to jump to my own defense, to deny association. “No, I was saying that long before I met so and so. I picked it up from my brothers.”
And I wonder at the way we’re interconnected. How we borrow words from each other, and how those we’re close to shape our language. And, when there is tension with someone, how quick we are to deny the shaping influence of that person, though if we’re honest, the tension, too, is shaping us.
So, I’m going to listen to the new U2 album. And I’m going to let my heart wrestle a bit with the memories and thoughts it raises. The reminders of relationships in which I long for restoration. The tensions it raises within my heart about these things. I’m going to let it expose the pettiness, and I’m going to work to have a heart that is less that way. And I’m going to refuse to let those tensions (which have stolen much from me this year in many ways) steal my enjoyment of one more thing I’ve loved.
Take for example (because this is what made me start thinking about this) the new U2 album. I downloaded it from itunes the other night and have been listening to it off and on ever since. I was thinking about how I was first introduced to the music of U2 in high school, while attending a young life event, when a speaker used the song “Peace on Earth” to illustrate his point. I was captured by the lyrics, and went out and bought the album the song appeared on, and I’ve been hooked on U2’s music ever since. (That, for those of you who are counting, gives me about a 10 year or so history of loving the music they put out.)
I’ve felt weird about listening to the newest album the last while though. Partly because some people who I know have also been listening, and stuff that they engage in has not always been the healthiest thing for me. Partly because some of the people who I know are listening are people with whom there is relational strain, and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to identify with them in any way.
And so I find myself having this ridiculous self-conversation to justify enjoying a new music purchase. Defending myself to myself. Saying things like, “I’ve liked U2 since long before I even knew so and so.” Berating myself for feeling at times so petty that I will turn away from something that could be beautiful simply because someone with whom I’ve struggled also thinks it could be beautiful.
It’s funny how it spreads, the connotations that things have. I’ve been accused off and on of using specific phrases in my day to day speech that are associated with various people I know (and again, people with whom there are tensions). And I’m quick to jump to my own defense, to deny association. “No, I was saying that long before I met so and so. I picked it up from my brothers.”
And I wonder at the way we’re interconnected. How we borrow words from each other, and how those we’re close to shape our language. And, when there is tension with someone, how quick we are to deny the shaping influence of that person, though if we’re honest, the tension, too, is shaping us.
So, I’m going to listen to the new U2 album. And I’m going to let my heart wrestle a bit with the memories and thoughts it raises. The reminders of relationships in which I long for restoration. The tensions it raises within my heart about these things. I’m going to let it expose the pettiness, and I’m going to work to have a heart that is less that way. And I’m going to refuse to let those tensions (which have stolen much from me this year in many ways) steal my enjoyment of one more thing I’ve loved.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
More on the car crash
there was another article on the car crash I mentioned here yesterday in today's newspaper. I am connected to the victims and families and their community via my place of work, and my heart goes out to this community
Crash Haunts Victim's Mother
Crash Haunts Victim's Mother
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
(yes, that is a shameless U2 reference in the title. I've loved their music for a long time, and downloaded the new album from Itunes last night. I forgot to update my ipod however, so now I'm looking forward to going home tonight and letting it play while I cook dinner.)
The world crashed in a little last night. You already know that if you read my previous post. I was angry and grieving. There have been some difficult things this week - anniversaries of sorts - that have underscored some deep losses of relationship, and the tenuous nature of others.
I was lonely and very, very angry. With God, and with a number of people. I think for the most part, it was a healthy sort of grief and anger. Better for it to find a bit of expression and release through writing and tears, than for that to remain within me, eating me from the inside out.
Some little things helped. An email from a new friend who saw the blog (I'll respond to you later today I hope). A conversation with my roommate. Reminding myself that it is okay to feel things (it still feels wrong at moments, to experience emotion, after all those years of depression so void of emotion. the negative emotions, in particular scare me, and I tend to bottle them instead of letting them exist, in fear of a return of the onslaught of depression.)
I can't make it on my own. And things animate and inanimate are helping this morning.
The world crashed in a little last night. You already know that if you read my previous post. I was angry and grieving. There have been some difficult things this week - anniversaries of sorts - that have underscored some deep losses of relationship, and the tenuous nature of others.
I was lonely and very, very angry. With God, and with a number of people. I think for the most part, it was a healthy sort of grief and anger. Better for it to find a bit of expression and release through writing and tears, than for that to remain within me, eating me from the inside out.
Some little things helped. An email from a new friend who saw the blog (I'll respond to you later today I hope). A conversation with my roommate. Reminding myself that it is okay to feel things (it still feels wrong at moments, to experience emotion, after all those years of depression so void of emotion. the negative emotions, in particular scare me, and I tend to bottle them instead of letting them exist, in fear of a return of the onslaught of depression.)
I can't make it on my own. And things animate and inanimate are helping this morning.
- the aforementioned email
- a genuine inquiry from my roommate (who has now seen me in some of the worst moments) as to my well-being tonight, and the offer of a listening ear as I drove her to the train
- a clarifying conversation with a dear friend
- a cup of tea
- smoked gouda cheese for breakfast (I know - that sounds weird, but I'm trying to eat protein in the mornings because it seems to helping with the mid-afternoon sugar crash and headache I often experience. Plus, I really like smoked gouda!)
- a beautiful, colorful fresh fruit salad that speaks of the promise of spring returning
- Amber Body Butter from the body shop
- Hemp lip protector also from the body shop. (And this one - I could rave about the brilliance of it. I get badly chapped lips - partly a side effect of our cold, dry climate at this time of year. I've only been using it for a couple days, but it works fantastically!)
- the promise of a nice dinner and a new U2 album to listen to tonight.
- a new top, purchased on the weekend, covered in an abstract design of black and purple roses against a white background.
- warm magic bags helping me with my seeming inability to regulate my own body heat.
Sometimes I can't make it on my own. And I'm thankful for the things that help me smile in the midst of that.
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