You have broken me.

Not sure at this point that I'm even entirely ready to cry out to God. There's still a lot of things leaving a foul taste in my mouth. It's been a really rough few days. But if I was going to cry out, I'd start here, with a verse I read in the Psalms last night.

Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me -
now let me rejoice.
(Psalm 51:8)

Because I Should Have Done it Hours Ago

This has been a particularly rough day, and I ignored the warning signs and bottomed out physically, emotionally and spiritually again tonight.

I ignored the prompting all day to shift my thought patterns, to do the things that can usually shift the mood a bit. I ignored the internal prompting to make a smile list - a list of things I'm thankful for. So much for self-care.

I should have done this hours ago, but I didn't, and now, because of the low I'm at, it's a harder thing to do. But it needs to be done. And then, then, I hope I'll sleep. We'll try this "i have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly" thing again tomorrow.

Without further ado... my current smile list (the list of things that make me smile - things I'm thankful for):

• that tomorrow is another day that, to quote Anne of Green Gables "has no mistakes in it yet"
• that it's a long weekend and I have three days away from the mess that is currently my job
  
• a tiny silver Saint Clare medal that I've been wearing around my neck all week
• a friend who loves me even in the moments when I'm completely unable to fully believe it, or to love myself
• music from Karla Adolphe and Jacob and Lily
• music from Misty Edwards
• TLC (the television station - I needed the mindless background while I was in the midst of a rather intense conversation tonight)
• tickets to go to the symphony at the beginning of October with my roommates and my brother
• 2 dozen red roses in a vase on my dressing table
• comfy sweat pants to wear to bed
• Nelly (a favorite teddy bear - a friend since birth - she still lives on my bed, and she gives great hugs when you cry)
• a photo beside my bed from a really special moment in my favorite meadow on top of a mountain earlier this summer
• that I get to see my best friend one last time before she leaves
• gmail chat - lets me keep in touch with a dear friend across the country, and will hopefully aid in staying close to my best friend when she's on the other side of the planet
• Psalm 51
• LUSH bath and shower products
• freezies
• kit-kat bars
• tea lights
• clean hair
• long hot showers
  

Struggling, waiting, praying

This has been an oddly full week. And not necessarily full in the best sense of that word.

I'm in the midst of saying some goodbyes. Literal and otherwise.

I'm tired.

My facebook status for the last few days has generally read something like "Lisa is waiting, praying and remembering to breathe."

It's all I can manage right now. Just waiting. And talking with Jesus. Sometimes in a very angry tone. Sometimes in quiet desperation. Sometimes just waiting and hoping he'll simply hold me. And remembering to breathe. That's it's okay to go slowly. To cut myself some slack. To stick to those thoughts I shared a week or so ago about self-care.

So it might be quieter around here for a few days again. I'm processing away from this public space. With good friends. Alone. and with Jesus.

Celebrity or Saint?

I liked this post at ysmarko today.

you can find it here.

Come

I read this prayer from St. Augustine in a little book called "Devotions to the Holy Spirit" while I was on the bus this morning.

It spoke of the places my heart has occupied lately, and to the things I'm praying for today.

Come,
You who best console the lonely heart,
Refuge in danger, Protector in distress.
Come,
You who cleanse the soul of every stain,
and heal all its wounds.
Come,
Strength of the weak,
Support of those on the verge of falling.
Come,
Teacher of those who are humble of heart,
who humbles the proud-hearted.
Come,
Father of the fatherless, Hope of the poor,
Treasure of those in need.
Come,
guiding Star of every pilgrim,
Harbor for those in danger of shipwreck.
Come,
Strength of the living,
Salvation of those about to die.
Come,
Holy Spirit,
and have mercy on me.