Am I Depressed?

There have been lots of moments lately where I’ve had to pause and evaluate the state of my emotions. I’ve stopped a lot to ask myself the question, “Am I depressed?” If you’ve known me long, you know that this is a loaded question. You see, for nearly five years of my life I suffered from severe depression, though I worked to conceal it from most people. Then, just over a year ago, I had an intense encounter with the healing love of Jesus. I haven’t been depressed since.

But, it has been a year of loaded emotions, with some very high highs, and some very low lows. These last few months have been quite low. The last month in particular.

So, I’ve found myself stopping to ask, “Am I depressed?”

The answer, right now, is no.

The thing is, there’s been lots of hard things in my life the last while, lots of changes, lots of new things, lots of stressors. And it is very easy for me to see only the negative things. I quite literally have to stop and remind myself to look for the beautiful things.

So, here’s a list of some of the things that have made me smile lately:
• Neon pink crocs – maybe the most comfy (if incredibly ugly!) footwear I’ve ever had. A Christmas gift from my brothers.
• Two completed scrapbook pages in the last week. One titled “Me” and one titled “Twins?”
• Compliments on the Christmas cards I made this year.
• A laptop computer that lets me watch movies in bed, and write while curled up on the couch.
• Being in the midst of one favorite series of novels, while knowing that a second favorite series is sitting on my bedroom floor, just waiting for the first series to be finished.
• Passion tea every morning.
• A baby shower this afternoon.
• Hugs from lots of friends today.
• The chance to simply sit and chat with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
• An email from Megs telling me about Christmas in Pakistan, and all the babies they delivered on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
• A candle lit on my dresser, flickering and adding atmosphere.
• Rewatching “Elizabethtown” while curled up in a favorite chair.

I think there are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I’m thankful for the things that are beautiful in life, amidst the things that are painful.

Things to say

I had so much to tell all of you. I was collecting the thoughts that were overflowing all day, and I was going to write a nice long post about a whole selection of things I've been thinking about lately.

But they all seem paled at the moment.

My heart aches a bit, and I am concerned.

My grandma was admitted to hospital tonight. She is suffering from an irregular heartbeat and fluid on the lungs, and they want to do tests to find out why. They're using the phrase "congestive heart failure." This is a scary phrase to me. It's what killed my grandpa when I was in the eleventh grade. We're waiting to see what comes next.

If you pray, please lift my grandma, and our family before Jesus these next days.

Maybe I'll be able to write all the other things tomorrow.

Quiet Day...

Today was the kind of quiet day I dearly love.

Slept in a bit. Did some baking. Did a lot of reading, relaxing. Did some cleaning and organizing. Exercised some creativity - made a really fun scrapbook page. Got an email from my best friend, and read another inspiring post on her blog about her Christmas in Pakistan (babies... lots of babies!).

Hung out with the extended family for a while tonight over a chili dinner at my grandma's.

And tomorrow I go back to work. Which is kind of an icky thought, really. It's been a bit tense there lately, and there's likely quite a pile of stuff on my desk waiting for me to return, which could make for a bit of an interesting day...

Things to "look forward" to this month...

• paying my first ever traffic ticket (a remnant from the accident)
• A visit to Marty and Kari for a weekend.
  
• scrapbooking - feeling inspired again lately. I may even go out and shoot some photos that aren't of people.
• Reconnecting with an MK that I've known for years who is moving to Calgary to work for six months or so.
• Sorting out finances for the future.
• Continuing the attempt at learning to drive standard.
• using my new laptop bag to pack up my computer and find cozy coffee shops to curl up in and hopefully get some writing done.
• Starting a bible study for the high school girls.
• Dreaming and planning the future (and more particularly the next year or so of my life!)

meh

So, the trip's off. Sketchy roads, only one driver. Neither one of us was completely comfortable with it, so we called it off. Gross. She's going to fly there and back a couple of times. These are the things you can do when you work for an airline - it's actually affordable!

And work is kind of sucking right now. We've got some people problems because of a messy situation in which a girl quit last week. A girl who was a friend, and widely liked and good at her job. So people are overworked, some problems we had before she left are magnified because she was filling a gap, and the job is generally frustration inducing.

Finances are tight, and I'm trying to figure out how to put money away for the future (car purchase, travel, internship) while still paying a student loan, rent, computer payment, etc.

And I'm lonely again. That's what really bites about calling off the trip. I was going to get to spend five days with a close friend. Now I'm going to spend possibly a couple hours with her. Gross.

I miss the soul connections with the people who are far away. I miss my best friend, and I'm even a little jealous of her - off having adventures in Pakistan while I'm here with work problems, and car problems and money problems and no friends in town.

I have to say, too, that I really hate New Year's. It is officially my least favorite holiday. I think I've spent it alone or with my parents every year for the last five. Usually while a wide variety of people I know and love are off having adventures and truly awesome good times.

Okay, with all that out of my system, I'm off to sit in a bathtub I think. See you tomorrow!

(p.s. at least I have a day off tomorrow - since I took it off for the trip I'm going to hang on to it.)

Last Minute

Anyone want to make a superfast road trip to Vancouver this weekend. Leaving Friday, probably back Tuesday, maybe Monday?

I'm helping Rae move out there, and we never found another driver, so I'm doing all the driving. But if any of you are up for a quick trip, give me a call or pop me an email. I'd love you forever!