If it be your will...

I was listening to Jann Arden tonight, as I sat at my computer to reflect on the CBC documentary I mentioned in my previous post a few minutes ago. As I listened, I was caught by the words of this song... It's an old Leonard Cohen song, but as I listened, I couldn't help but be caught by the intensity of the lyrics, particularly from after the first verse to the end. (Not that I don't love the first verse...) This prayer, this song, this prophetic cry grabbed my heart. I have spent so much of the last year learning about the beauty in brokenness, and I can 't help but cry out with the song, " If it be your will/That a voice be true/From this broken hill/I will sing to you/From this broken hill/All your praises they shall ring." I'm standing here Jesus, singing your praises in the midst of the brokenness, "let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell."


If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell

If it be your will
to make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light

In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will

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Kingdom Justice

I just saw this stat on CBC's "The Nature of Things" which was profiling Stephen Lewis.

The US spends $8 Billion a Month on Iraq.
It spent $8.3 Billion on Aids last year.

A challenging and painful thought coming on the heels of reading Shane Claiborne's book, and listening to a couple of messages by Claiborne that I downloaded from the internet.

I've got to be honest and tell you that when the US first went into Iraq, I was strongly in favor of the idea. To be honest, I wrestle still with the issues. Do I think it's probably a good thing that a dictator like Hussein has been removed? Yes. Do I still think that the American intervention is a completely good idea? No. Do I think the US should just drop everything and withdraw? I'm not sure.

And Saddam being sentenced to death... that's a conflicted thought for me too. Does part of me feel that this person who inflicted suffering on so many deserves to die? Yes. Does another part of me wonder if we are really valuing human life if we take another life as the price for those he killed? Yes.

My thinking has been changed this last while. I've been reading and talking, listening and thinking. I'm being ruined. I don't fit so well in some of the conservative circles my family and the church I grew up in inhabit. And yet they are also so much a part of me. I am asking questions about what justice looks like.

I watched this special on Stephen Lewis, and wanted to weep. I watched these beautiful African grandmothers weeping as they describe watching their children die from aids, and then describing what it is like to now be caring for their HIV positive grandchildren.

My heart broke and I was left asking - Jesus, who will care for these orphans, these widows, these broken human beings. I feel powerless and yet empowered. I live in a wealthy country. I have a bit of money to spare. I want to make a difference.

I am asking what the justice of God's kingdom looks like. I am looking to discuss, to debate, to understand this issue. I am being broken for the poor, for the women, for the orphans and widows and homeless, for the aliens. I am after God's heart, and I think my life is being forever changed.

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Inspired by My Baby Brother

My youngest brother challenges and inspires me to deeper things.

He's gone through a lot lately - had to give up music for a season (which is his passion and what he's studying in school) in order to physically heal from an injury to his wrist, and some other things. And through it all he's sought to find God, fought for peace and patience.

Then, the last couple of days he's gone through some personal and relational stuff. Nothing I can write details about, but he's been quite hurt by someone. If it were me, I'd probably hate the person, and encourage everyone I know to be equally hateful and mean. Instead, he's opted to ease out of the relationship for a season, but has asked my other brother and I to continue to build relationships, to care for and mentor this person who has hurt him so badly.

I was thinking about that on the train this morning. He asked me last night to continue to build relationship with this person, and I take the train with him on Tuesdays for the first half of our respective commutes. We chatted a bit about it and about some other things, and after I left him and continued on my way to work I was thinking about his response. We both care deeply about people, but when push comes to shove, my brother manages to model for me a far less judgemental and loving attitude in the face of tension than I have managed.

And so, today I've been challenged to be accepting in how I see and treat people that have hurt me. Do I write them off, or do I continue to wish the best for them, to want to see them continue to develop as people and as followers of Christ?

Backwards

Loving this song by Kendall Payne today... Particularly the chorus.

Backwards
You can’t go backwards you must go forward
You have not been what you could be
When you are the only one who enslaves you
Then you’re the only one who can set you free

Don’t run away, question the answers
Live your life like it’s on fire
You’re one mistake is to think that you’ve made one
Don’t run away

You can’t have mountains without the valleys
You can’t go high if you won’t go deep
You can’t do over what you’ve done already
Expecting something new to see
I will not be bought, will not be caged
Won’t stay behind my walls where it is safe
No I’m tired of trying to compensate for you
For you…

First Post from the New Computer

I'm sitting at my desk, typing on a wireless keyboard, and the words are quite magically appearing on my laptop screen, set on a stand so that the screen is at eye level, thus avoiding a crick in my neck from constantly looking down. The switch from PC to Mac went quite smoothly, and I haven't yet regretted my purchase!

To be honest with you, tonight I'm tired and a bit discouraged. Driving standard is not going well at all. I went out to do an errand tonight, and almost didn't make it home. I never stall when there's no traffic around and loads of time, only when I'm at important intersections and there are people waiting. I've become intimately aquainted with the hazard lights on my vehicle.

I had a great afternoon yesterday. Rachel came over, brought her pictures of China, and helped my decorate our Christmas tree. We decided that it looks very much like a showroom or store tree. At any rate, it's beautiful. I do love the Christmas season. It's a break in the middle of winter (which I hate) that is filled with lights and joy and anticipation, family and friends, and lots of communing over great food. We should have seasons like this more often throughout the year. Rae brought me a beautiful journal from China, and a pair of chopsticks (because she says that everyone should have chopsticks direct from China!) I'm going to miss her when she moves at the end of the month. When that happens, I will be officially without close confidante type friends in Calgary. Sad. But, on the upside, I may make a whirlwind roadtrip to Vancouver at the end of the month in a rental mini-van to help Rae move. So that will be fun!

Church was nice this morning. Very reflective. To be honest (sorry Eric!) I didn't hear much of the sermon, because I was inspired to write. So, I wrote a bit for my book. Have I mentioned that I'm writing a book? Should be easier to find inspiring places to write now that I have a laptop. I've been having a hard time with being in Calgary the last while. In fact, I know that I need to get out, but the timing hasn't worked thus far. It's been hard to write here (evidenced by the fact that more than half of what I've written for my book thus far has been written on weekend trips out of town!). But, at least with the laptop I can pack myself up and go curl up in a coffee shop somewhere and write for a couple of hours. Maybe a change in scenery will help!

And with that, I'm off to do some reading and probably crawl into bed. Monday morning comes early (especially since I'm still taking the train) and I want to feel like I at least made the attempt to rest before tackling work for a new week!