An obvious confession

Some bloggers I know are really good at only talking about God stuff - theology, what God has recently been doing in their life, things God is speaking to them and others, challenges, stuff they're reading in Scripture. I have a confession to make. It's a fairly obvious one if you've hung around my blog at all. I am not one of those bloggers.

I do like to talk about God stuff. In fact, my life is so shaped at the moment by the God stuff that I can hardly help but talk about it. The thing is, every once in a while I need a break from the headier stuff, and need to just talk about my day.

So, here it is. Yesterday was a good day. It was a nothing sort of day. I've had a lot of those this week since I haven't had any hours at work. But yesterday was a particularly good example of one. (A friend emailed me a month or so ago and spoke very strongly to me that I needed to find ways to relax and destress other than writing. Incidentally, I've had very few work hours since then and have had lots of chances to practice what she was telling me!) I was tired, and unsettled, because of the sleep issues I mentioned when I posted yesterday, but that didn't really affect my day too drastically because I didn't need physical energy for anything in particular. (On a side note, I slept very poorly again last night, and I do need energy today, but that's a whole different thing.)

I got up in the morning, realized there was no particular reason for me to be up, and crawled back into bed with a novel. I read for a while, and then my mom came home and handed me an envelope from my nana. Nana is my adopted grandmother - a fun British lady who has attended my dad's church for years, and lives across the back alley from our house. She had sent me a note, and a cheque for my Mexico trip, but had forgotten to sign the cheque. So, I got out of bed and got dressed, phoned her and popped over to her house. We had a great visit. I love hanging out with her. She may be the coolest elderly lady I know!

I came home, decided to go back to my novel - only in the bathtub this time. So, I ran a hot bath, and read my novel for another hour or so in the tub. This is also one of my favorite ways to pass an hour or so. I'm a sucker for anything warm - you will rarely find me curled up to read without a blanket wrapped around me, or a hot bath in which to immerse myself, or without being curled up in my bed.

After reading I decided I'd better fulfill a promise I made to my mom to bake something this week. So, I made chocolate chip cookies. Fantastic.

While I was baking a friend called and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her. She was going to a Christian bookstore and wondered if I'd like to meet her there. I'd been thinking that a trip to the bookstore was in order to buy something to read on the bus to Mexico, and quickly agreed. We passed a solid hour and a bit in the bookstore, with the love that only two readers and writers can have for that kind of pastime. We handed books back and forth, were slightly catty as we discussed the overabundance of titles on topics that seemed to be straightforward, laughed at some truly bad merchandise (The Praise Workout DVD - The Christian Alternative to Yoga - I'm not kidding, that's what it said on the case!), and then decided that coffee was in order. But, it was Friday night, and the coffee houses were busy, so we went to the lounge of a local restaurant, had dinner, and talked about how God had showed up in unique ways in both of our lives lately. We share a mutual healing of depression that continues to amaze both of us.

I came home, did a little blogging, a little more reading, finished my novel, started a new one, ate some cookies, and headed for bed.

This is my kind of day - warm, inviting, filled with good pastimes and good friends. And really, when I think about it, it was a God kind of day. I spent a lot of time with Him - asking some questions that my novel raised. I worshipped Him along with a CD while I did my baking. And then I shared the things He's doing in my life, and listened to the things he's doing in my friend's life over dinner. It was good.

Now if only I could figure out how to start sleeping restfully...

Provision and sleeplessness

I am a pastor's kid. My dad does not pastor a mega-church, and he's not a best-selling author or radio preacher. That means that I grew up in a home where finances were always tight.

But the thing is, I learned early on about Jehovah Jireh - God the provider. My parents were always clear when unexpected money showed up at just the right time, or when an unexpected gift allowed us to do something special that it was God's way of taking care of us, of treating us, of making sure we were provided for.

I have seen it dozens of times, and I always forget it. It didn't even occur to me in all my blustery financial stress last week that God would provide above and beyond my expectations for this trip to Mexico. But He did. First, my glasses were repairable - for only $100. My frame is three years old, but by some miracle they hadn't been discontinued, and I was able to replace only the broken piece.

Then, a variety of people I never expected to offer their financial support gave me money or let me know that they would be giving me money. Some of them were people I hadn't even thought or intended to ask to pray, never mind contribute financially. And God has provided above and beyond what I could have asked or expected. And I was amazed, because I had forgotten yet again that the God I serve, the God who asked me to travel to Mexico, would also provide the means for me to obey.

Which brings me to the sleeplessness. I haven't slept well at all the last couple nights. If you read this blog at all, you know that really isn't that unusual. The thing is, I'm battling anxiety attacks -unexplained fears. That is not normal in my own bed. I had anticipated that this would be a challenge when I travelled - it always is, and I was taking steps to be prepared to ward off the fear while we were travelling. But it has arrived early. Today was very unsettled because of the uncomfortable and undefined fear from which I awoke this morning. Please pray for my sleep over the remaining week until I depart. Pray too for my sleep while we're gone. The thing is, I believe God has called me to this trip, and I'm working to trust him with my whole self - and with my rest. So, I'm asking you to pray for and with me in this.

One week from tonight I will be on a church floor somewhere in Billings, Montana, attempting to sleep. I am excited to make this trip, but very apprehensive as well. Your prayers are coveted.

Looking for wisdom

I’m looking for someone who has walked this way before. Someone with age and the wisdom borne of long years of experience – of trying and failing, of getting back up and trying again.

I’m young and inexperienced. Five months ago some things in my life shifted in a major way, and I’m trying to negotiate this new journey with God. I am desperate to know Him in a deeper way. To learn to recognize His voice and presence. To understand what it means that I’ve encountered the Living Spirit of God and that my life has been totally altered by the encounter.

I am looking to be taught, to be pulled along this journey by someone with experience. And I haven’t found that person. I’m looking for someone radically in love with God. I’m looking for wisdom and encouragement. For someone who will tell me that I haven’t gone crazy.

I want someone to explain this thing to me. To tell me in the moments when I’m completely exhausted from caring so deeply for those God has laid on my heart that I’m not insane for allowing my emotions to become involved.

I’m after someone who can explain spiritual warfare to me. Who can tell me how to recognize attack, and how to fight against it. Who can help me as I wade through the realities of the decidedly evil decisions made by some of those I am caring for. Who can answer questions about nightmares and sleeping difficulties. Who can teach me to combat with God’s help the instinctive fear that seems to control so very much of my life.

I would love for someone to walk through my own wounds with me. To help me identify areas of strength and areas of weakness. To teach me what it means to be emotionally and spiritually healthy.

I am looking for this. And I am afraid of it. I am afraid of my life being exposed. The idea that I am vulnerable to spiritual attack is new, and I struggle with fear already. I am very nearly afraid of beginning to wade into the realities of this new life I find myself living. It terrifies me. It pulls me beyond my much loved comfort zone. But I’m looking for it. Because life the way I used to live – life of hopelessness and depression is no way to live.

Airport Security

I just read this rather funny post on the Dilbert creator's blog... Made me laugh a little bit anyway.

I wish you could see...

I spent most of the afternoon working on an art/scrapbook/collage project that materialized in my head yesterday. It is a visual representation of the idea of beauty in the ashes that I have been so caught by this week. And there is a phoenix rising out of the flames. I'm really pleased with how it turned out. Especially since writing is usually my medium, and I rarely branch out into artistic stuff. I wish you could all see it. But, it's multi-dimensional and 12x12 so it won't really scan very well.

So, if you live in town, call me, or email me, or just come over and see it. (Or maybe I'll bring it with me to church on Sunday night.) If you're out of town, you're out of luck, unless you want to come visit me?