Today has been another "recovery" day. The previous couple of days were rather filled with people, intense conversations, and things of that nature. They were both good and bad, stressful and encouraging. But I was pretty tired again.
There are things that I could write about, but I think they're perpetuating some negative thought patterns that I want to beat. I gave them voice on the phone to a friend who lets me call him just to rant last night, and now, for the moment at least, I think I'll leave them be.
So, I spent the day watching episodes of M*A*S*H*. Because I love the show. One of my favorite lines from recent episodes? Frank Burns has just done something that delights Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, and she comments, "Oh, Frank, you're so above average!" I can't help it - I love it. Witty writing is one of my weaknesses.
I also read a novel for a while in the bathtub. One of my other favorite methods of relaxation. I think I need to find a new novel, though, this one is a bit of an adventure/mystery/thriller and it's a little too much drama for the kind of relaxation I'm looking for. When I called my friend last night to rant, one of the things I said to him was, "I'm tired of all the drama!" So, I'll be stopping at the library sometime in the next day or so to pick up something a little bit lighter to read!
And now, I'm off to work. For some unknown reason I have the truly ridiculous 6-9 shift tonight. Three hours - it's hardly worth my while to leave the comforts of my house. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I'm heading out in the cold to make $27.30 before taxes. It's so not worth my while when I think about it that way! I still like the job itself, but I'm very tired of the politics and a number of my coworkers at the moment. I can't wait to get back from Mexico and start looking for a nice 9-5 or 8-4 office type job!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Mental Health
A good friend who knew I was in need of a laugh this morning sent me this link. Make sure the sound on your computer is turned on. And enjoy!
It's Going to Be Alright....
I have a number of things on my mind. I could cram them all into one colossally long post, but I think I'll just start with this shorter post, and possibly add other shorter posts through the course of the day.
This has been an interesting week. Hard. Long. I was flipping through some song lyrics late last night, and came across a song by Sara Groves with the title that I used for this entry. It's not so much a prayer as a statement of faith. I'm not doing so well at clinging to that faith some days, but in my best moments, and in the deep recesses of my heart, the lyrics state so simply what I long for and believe about so many of the people in my life right now - there are so many who are hurting - but I want to cling to the fact that God is working even in the midst of the crap, of the pain that just never quite seems to end. That something beautiful will emerge from the messiness of life.
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story can be told
It will mirror the strength and courage of your soul
Oh, oh I believe, I believe
I believe
I believe
I did not come here to offer you cliches
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright.
(Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy)
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
This has been an interesting week. Hard. Long. I was flipping through some song lyrics late last night, and came across a song by Sara Groves with the title that I used for this entry. It's not so much a prayer as a statement of faith. I'm not doing so well at clinging to that faith some days, but in my best moments, and in the deep recesses of my heart, the lyrics state so simply what I long for and believe about so many of the people in my life right now - there are so many who are hurting - but I want to cling to the fact that God is working even in the midst of the crap, of the pain that just never quite seems to end. That something beautiful will emerge from the messiness of life.
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story can be told
It will mirror the strength and courage of your soul
Oh, oh I believe, I believe
I believe
I believe
I did not come here to offer you cliches
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright.
(Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy)
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Doing Lots of Nothing and Loving It
Nothing stuff. That's what I'm about today. Nothing that requires thought. Nothing that requires mega amounts of physical energy. And it's fantastic.
I flipped through magazines and watched the gold medal olympic curling match this morning. I read a quite funny post about curling on a blog somewhere yesterday but I've lost the blog or I'd link to it for you. It was written by someone who very obviously lived somewhere in the southern US. They were rather baffled by the curling phenomena. I thought about writing to tell them that the Brier is the biggest rated television event in Canada every year, above the Grey Cup and the Superbowl, but realized I'd have to explain not only what the Brier was, but also the Grey Cup and decided I didn't want to spend the time. Anyway, the post talked about being horrified but strangely fascinated by this sport where people throw large rocks down a strip of ice, yell enthusiastically, and sweep. In a complete ignorance of curling terms, she very amusingly decided to call the person throwing the rock a "stoner." Anyway - Canada won GOLD! YES! And really, I find curling quite relaxing to watch - no major stress, fairly easy to understand, and I can stretch out on my couch and fall asleep during the boring parts.
I'm cleaning at the moment. Well, not precisely at this moment, since I'm writing a blog post for your enjoyment, but cleaning nonetheless. When I'm finished my desk will be clear, my clothes will be in my closet, and there will be space to sit in my chair and curl up with a novel, or to sit at my desk and do a collage or scrapbooking project as I desire.
I think I might watch a movie this afternoon too. I rented "The Motorcycle Diaries" again. I loved that movie. Plus, Spanish is such a beautiful language, and the movie is full of fantastic scenery, so it should fit my "nothing" day quite nicely.
My mom just came in to remind me that I need to clean our bathroom before tomorrow night when company is coming. I'll add it to my list.
I'm also going to lay in the bathtub with a favorite novel and bubble bath.
I was supposed to go out to a movie with a friend this afternoon, but she called at nine this morning to tell me she got called into work. She works with severely handicapped people, and one of her clients got out of hand this morning and attacked another worker, sending the worker to the hospital. So they called my friend because she can control the client fairly well. Our plans for a matinee movie and an early dinner out got cancelled, and my nothing day was officially kicked off!
Maybe I'll call some friends tonight to see if they want to hang out, or maybe I'll be so busy doing "nothing" that I'll just keep right on with that!
I flipped through magazines and watched the gold medal olympic curling match this morning. I read a quite funny post about curling on a blog somewhere yesterday but I've lost the blog or I'd link to it for you. It was written by someone who very obviously lived somewhere in the southern US. They were rather baffled by the curling phenomena. I thought about writing to tell them that the Brier is the biggest rated television event in Canada every year, above the Grey Cup and the Superbowl, but realized I'd have to explain not only what the Brier was, but also the Grey Cup and decided I didn't want to spend the time. Anyway, the post talked about being horrified but strangely fascinated by this sport where people throw large rocks down a strip of ice, yell enthusiastically, and sweep. In a complete ignorance of curling terms, she very amusingly decided to call the person throwing the rock a "stoner." Anyway - Canada won GOLD! YES! And really, I find curling quite relaxing to watch - no major stress, fairly easy to understand, and I can stretch out on my couch and fall asleep during the boring parts.
I'm cleaning at the moment. Well, not precisely at this moment, since I'm writing a blog post for your enjoyment, but cleaning nonetheless. When I'm finished my desk will be clear, my clothes will be in my closet, and there will be space to sit in my chair and curl up with a novel, or to sit at my desk and do a collage or scrapbooking project as I desire.
I think I might watch a movie this afternoon too. I rented "The Motorcycle Diaries" again. I loved that movie. Plus, Spanish is such a beautiful language, and the movie is full of fantastic scenery, so it should fit my "nothing" day quite nicely.
My mom just came in to remind me that I need to clean our bathroom before tomorrow night when company is coming. I'll add it to my list.
I'm also going to lay in the bathtub with a favorite novel and bubble bath.
I was supposed to go out to a movie with a friend this afternoon, but she called at nine this morning to tell me she got called into work. She works with severely handicapped people, and one of her clients got out of hand this morning and attacked another worker, sending the worker to the hospital. So they called my friend because she can control the client fairly well. Our plans for a matinee movie and an early dinner out got cancelled, and my nothing day was officially kicked off!
Maybe I'll call some friends tonight to see if they want to hang out, or maybe I'll be so busy doing "nothing" that I'll just keep right on with that!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
No title to wrap it into a neat little bow
This is bound to be one of those slightly more random entries that I'm famous for.
I want to start with an anonymous quote I found on Cameron Conant's blog today. I thought it was particularly interesting: "Why do we hide our poor and kill our prophets?" This, I think, is a really good question, though I admit that it touches raw nerves in my mind - things opened and unresolved from a variety of conversations over the past weeks.
This has been an odd week thus far, filled with things that cannot be said in this public forum, because it will not protect those that I am caring for. I am learning about all kinds of unique crises, and have spent at least some time researching on the internet or reading psychology textbooks for insights into my next steps.
I am frustrated this week with how very little it seems to matter that I am pouring so much of my life and energy into some of these women. Two steps forward and seventeen steps back. And I wonder where precisely God sees this as useful, healthy or good. But he hasn't given me permission to step back. So I'm still here.
I'm wrestling with a sense of betrayal and deception this week, as things have come to light. Things that I was deliberately deceived about. I'm wondering where to draw the lines of friendship, because I desperately want to treat this woman as a friend, but am ever aware of the fact that she does not respond in kind - her response is grasping and laden with drama. I'm tired of the drama, but cannot allow this friend to slip from a category of friend to a category of "ministry." If our relationship becomes nothing but "ministry" then I will begin to resent the weight it places upon me, and I will begin to resent God for placing that weight on my shoulders. It is acceptable to pour the time and energy that I have given into a friendship, and for my own sanity I must continue to class this as friendship.
I'm leaving soon on a mission trip to Mexico with my church and YWAM here in the city - we leave in about a month. It will be the first "mission" trip that I've made. For those of you who have been reading here for a while, you know that I struggle with fears. The reality that I'm actually making this trip came home to roost yesterday, and I can feel the onslaught of fear attached to that. I particularly struggle with fear of the unfamiliar - my already disturbed sleeping patterns get far worse when I'm not in my own bed - I lose sleep even over spending the night at a good friend's home, or at a hotel for a vacation or retreat. I fear new situations with people, and meeting new people - and there will be a lot of both. I feel increasingly inadequate as a human being - like I have very little to offer. I'm nervous about travelling across the continent for 10 days or so with a group of people that I've mostly never met before (although I'm thankful that some very good friends are going). I'm also concerned that I will be able to afford the trip, as my hours have been cut at work for the next month. I guess I mention it because it very suddenly became real yesterday - I am actually doing this. The fear can get out of control quickly - anxiety attacks, particularly at night are not uncommon. I have fairly successfully fought this battle at times, but it has intensified of late as I've walked into a greater number of new and uncomfortable situations both personally and in the lives of the people I'm caring for. Pray for me as I battle these fears over the next while. They are not new, and I would love to see breakthrough in this area.
Last night was somewhat sleepless. But then, that hasn't been all that unusual lately.
And with all that said, I'm off to dress for work and head out. It will take longer to get there today because an awful lot of snow fell overnight.
I want to start with an anonymous quote I found on Cameron Conant's blog today. I thought it was particularly interesting: "Why do we hide our poor and kill our prophets?" This, I think, is a really good question, though I admit that it touches raw nerves in my mind - things opened and unresolved from a variety of conversations over the past weeks.
This has been an odd week thus far, filled with things that cannot be said in this public forum, because it will not protect those that I am caring for. I am learning about all kinds of unique crises, and have spent at least some time researching on the internet or reading psychology textbooks for insights into my next steps.
I am frustrated this week with how very little it seems to matter that I am pouring so much of my life and energy into some of these women. Two steps forward and seventeen steps back. And I wonder where precisely God sees this as useful, healthy or good. But he hasn't given me permission to step back. So I'm still here.
I'm wrestling with a sense of betrayal and deception this week, as things have come to light. Things that I was deliberately deceived about. I'm wondering where to draw the lines of friendship, because I desperately want to treat this woman as a friend, but am ever aware of the fact that she does not respond in kind - her response is grasping and laden with drama. I'm tired of the drama, but cannot allow this friend to slip from a category of friend to a category of "ministry." If our relationship becomes nothing but "ministry" then I will begin to resent the weight it places upon me, and I will begin to resent God for placing that weight on my shoulders. It is acceptable to pour the time and energy that I have given into a friendship, and for my own sanity I must continue to class this as friendship.
I'm leaving soon on a mission trip to Mexico with my church and YWAM here in the city - we leave in about a month. It will be the first "mission" trip that I've made. For those of you who have been reading here for a while, you know that I struggle with fears. The reality that I'm actually making this trip came home to roost yesterday, and I can feel the onslaught of fear attached to that. I particularly struggle with fear of the unfamiliar - my already disturbed sleeping patterns get far worse when I'm not in my own bed - I lose sleep even over spending the night at a good friend's home, or at a hotel for a vacation or retreat. I fear new situations with people, and meeting new people - and there will be a lot of both. I feel increasingly inadequate as a human being - like I have very little to offer. I'm nervous about travelling across the continent for 10 days or so with a group of people that I've mostly never met before (although I'm thankful that some very good friends are going). I'm also concerned that I will be able to afford the trip, as my hours have been cut at work for the next month. I guess I mention it because it very suddenly became real yesterday - I am actually doing this. The fear can get out of control quickly - anxiety attacks, particularly at night are not uncommon. I have fairly successfully fought this battle at times, but it has intensified of late as I've walked into a greater number of new and uncomfortable situations both personally and in the lives of the people I'm caring for. Pray for me as I battle these fears over the next while. They are not new, and I would love to see breakthrough in this area.
Last night was somewhat sleepless. But then, that hasn't been all that unusual lately.
And with all that said, I'm off to dress for work and head out. It will take longer to get there today because an awful lot of snow fell overnight.
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